Justice prevails

It's beautiful here. This moment. It seems like a scene from a movie. Crystal clear night sky. A bazillion stars. Soft waves rolling the beach like a serine alarm clock. My place to find comfort. To make me feel big. The atmosphere.  The understanding that God is everything. 

It's where I know that I know that I know that what I'm supposed to do. Its wisdom. The tragedy in life is, well come to think about it there's actually way to many to list. But not chasing your dreams.

I think it's an end to an era.

Corporal punishment

To say I'm a hot mess is the understatement of the century.  I have an idea of good and despite my faults I try my best to be that.

Fear. Fear of getting close. Its like shrapnel flying at me. My desires aren't to be held anymore I found basically I can hold myself. I'm a big girl. Outside of of the bedroom human contact is held for the elite. I hold few close.

Is it that I have found a physiological way of detouring drama outside of the bedroom by creating hostility within it? I'm a masochist. Does letting myself become a slave in moments of sexual desires ratify the control issues I have outside of it? Does becoming the person I perform to be in between the sheets center the woman I am outside of them?

And what does any of it have to do with love?

Three years. I stopped looking at the past to define me, but then what's holding me back. He's incredible.  Talented, intelligent, charming, ridiculously sexy, and I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Love. The reason to breathe. But we've done this before I wasn't nearly so calm, and he wasn't nearly so open. But now he tries. I can't not want more than exactly what we have if it's not plausible. I'm intact. Walls has been built. Lines have been drawn. My ability to feel vulnerable has taken a passenger seat to stability.

I feel like there's a new man in front of me. Someone I didn't know before. Someone I knew was there, But never had the chance to meet. And there's this life force around. Contentness. But even if the world was out to get me, I gave up. What does it all mean!?!!!

The Idea

The idea of love itself has us running in the masses searching. Wondering. Lost but hopeful.

I think I've always known I wanted to get married. The idea of it. But I'm in love with love. So by all standards if I did it, it would be till death do us part. There is no divorce, that's it. I can't imagine it would be an easy accomplishment, but worth the commitment. I've had several opportunities but never did it. I've actually only ever met one person where I couldn't want anything more.

I looked into his eyes and that was it. Stunned. It biwilders me. I can see it. Small wedding outside, in my friends back yard. The look on his face when recite our vows. Intimate. Dance floor included. Fire afterwards with music and quiet lights in the background, strung tree to tree. Mason jars with candles, up and down the isle. The moon. Smore party favors on the tables covered with white linens, and burlap table runners. Lighting and letting go lanterns into the night sky. Me saying I told you so.

To be honest it's the biggest dream I have. Love is the only dream I can think with any real meaning in it. I'm sure for other people they love their dreams too. But for me, it's looking at someone and defying the urge to jump ship after you've looked them in their eyes and seeing them for all the ugly they are. Its deciding that despite all the faults they are it in life, to have someone with you for the ride. It's a battle of it own. But the reward of happiness,  waking up to the same person everyday, to have stability, and a fortress of combined effort. It's the ultimate adventure by someone who at times probably wants you to be eaten by a bear but would never let you. Its kindness, and grace, and growth.

Because love is the only way anything grows. It's the only reason to get out of bed. It's the only thing worth fighting for. Its trust.

So why are the things we want the hardest to get? My love life is a complicated beautiful mess. I'm in constant conversation  with God. I love the grand scale version of life with my heart, but I feel like he ignores me instead. He gives me lots of grace in the subject matter, but I want my markers! Inside joke between me and God and my dreams. I believe in appealing to the higher power. Asking for revelation. It can be revolutionary. He told me in a dream once that he knew I loved what I had, but what he was giving me was better. Isn't up to him? That he knows best? To have faith and I can fly. Not literally clearly metaphorically.

But if that's the case I feel stuck..like he has me practicing for the big game, but I never leave the cage. Or I'm standing by idlely in the stands. With a hotdog. I don't want to dream that dream with anyone else. I said this was it. That I was giving up if this didn't work. And I get that gentle nudge, love is patient. Love is kind. Love endures all things. It is not rude or self seeking. It is not proud. It does not boast, it holds no record of wrong doings.

Because rule #1 is patience and I want the whole thing.

I think that God and I have a good relationship. He's got an incredible sense of humor. I find myself in these moments of awe about it. Like there's a reason that your rear view mirror is so small and your windshield is so big. It's because you're not supposed to be looking behind you, you're supposed to be looking forward.

The lessons he teaches me are on a Ghandi or Zen like master training program. They're huge, I know I'm constantly looking. Questioning why. So I think on a very surreal deep level. Looking to define your character with God sized lessons? Do you really want to be a good person? I seek him. I find him. It's everywhere.

A part of me wants to fight for the thing he said he knew I loved, but what he had was better... I'm talking adjustment bureau. Is it wrong if God tells you he has something better for you to hold on to what you have? To fight for the dream. To crave the smell of flowers on tables and toasting with friends? I've always been lost. A gypsy mentality to explore and protest, and live off grid. A ship with no destination. But when I look at him, when I see him, in all his imperfect glory, I get weak. And timid. And adventurous. And silly. And daring. I would submit myself to him. Honerably. I look.at him and I'm found. I want to do good in the world with him. And make art. And wrestle. I want dogs with him. And walk them together.

I find it terrible that even though it possibly served an invaluable purpose, I'm supposed to give up? I don't want to try again. I don't want to be close to other human beings. I don't want to wait the world with anyone else. I'm already troubled by the chaos of it all. Its tiring nd so far relentless. And I definitely can't make anyone love me back!?!?

The perplexing idea of love.
Who makes you want to change the world?

The appeal

The universe fascinates me. The fathoming (not a word) of everything.  Love and God. Or I should say Love is God. If you look at the example of 1Cornithians13:4 it gives us a perfect explanation of what love is. And we've been told repeatedly God is love. Why is looking at things from a different so unappealing to us?

I kinda feel like everything on a molecular level and how we seem to exist is based on quantum physics. This in part being that God is the ultimate mathematician. He exists and in almost all religions we're supposed to keep our bodies sacred because it's a temple. Because God is within us. The Love that we try to create and share and have relationships, and families,  and friends. That's God. And if we all boil down to a scientific principle of what our fundamental structure is, it's  math, and numbers at basic beginings are shapes, and color, and light. It's geometry.

It's like cymantics, the study of sound. Different tones are numbers when you tear them down to frequencies. I've watched them do experiments with different tones and liquids. It moves the liquid in different harmonic intricate patterns. If you add different substances like cornstarch to the liquid, it actually begins to make the liquid rise still making patterns in what to start to look like forms.

In Christianity we're told God made us from dust. He is the potter, we are the clay. And scientifically we're made of star dust. Our bodies are made up of how much water? At the right frequency with the right substance, with the correct tone, I think that's how life started. I image there was nothing. And out of that nothing came a sound. And from that sound exploded consciousness. What was that? And then possibly the big bang theory. But God is the principle none the less. At the core of all things one consciousness that started it all. We call him many things, but it's Love.

Here's where I think it gets like super beautiful, what can you really do when you know absolutely everything?  Nothing. There is no expectation, or anticipation, there isn't any fun, or anything. I imagine it's ridiculously boring. So out of one consciousness spawned eternity. Survival. And hope. Why wouldn't you take pieces of yourself and hide them? In places where they don't know anything. And teach them love. Love makes things grow. I've seen another experiment with sound And telling jars of rice different things. But nothing grows without love. Not plants, not people, not life. I'm sure the big guy upstairs knows the outcome, he invented everything. We all have a piece of him. The light. The it. Its why from space the universe looks the same as brain mapping.

Pieces of one bigger thing. Playing hide and go seek, continuing our existence through Love. But if everything is made up of the same thing colors and shapes, then we're all perfectly stemmed from the same place. And who hates the shapes and colors of everything? No one. So in the mist of our lower brained selves we have been diluted into being racist, greedy, whores to the US government.  We separate our selves and use fear as a driving force.

If we all realized we actually were the same thing, I bet it would be a lot easier to love your neighbor. To do what Buddhist to and honor the God within them. And its there in good old Christianity too. The Holy Trinity. The Father, Son, and Spirit? It's everywhere. We just see it from different perspectives. 
Clearly we would want the best for us. But to know good you have to know bad. And then we can fundamentally reproduce and grow. Harmony. Duality.  Balance. Different factors. That's why God is always there. Why you can appeal to him. He is you. He is everything. And when you think of it that way. You are everything. That's why Love and greatness show the best possible scenario for growing in consciousness to be eternal. Love grows. God grows. This is where we now find infinite. He gave Christ as a martyr, to show how to endure, because we do know duality and not the big picture.

Who doesn't want the greatest story ever told to be about love and stars? With a whole bunch of ups and downs to keep us on the the edge of your seat?