Namaste

I guess I've likely spent way too much time smoking weed the last couple days and not being home. I haven't written in too long. Too distracted by my own enthusiasm.

So that chapter finally has an ending. Maybe that's what I needed anyways. I'm not ready to write it, but I am ready to work on other chapters. My soul is in it today. I got my headphones on, and I know who's chapter is next.

Nicholas. I spoke to him nicely the other night at Ed's funny enough, trashed drunk even odder, I'm not usually nice to him when I've been drinking. He and I don't usually speak. I'm way too alpha at saying how it is and his own dominate nature finds me condescending. So it's been a while. But I as he told me he didn't honestly think I cared about him or supported him that made me not his friend. I had to explain I don't have to agree with you to be your friend,  I'm still me. And just because I don't agree with your choices doesn't mean that I don't love you. It just means I wouldn't choose that course of actions for myself. Not true is you're an alpha and alpha... clash of the hard heads to him.

But I think it's a good chapter to start writing again.

Also, Nicole "My Person" and I were talking and decided I really did grow up. I told her I don't like big girl pants. They are high-waisted, high waters that are two sizes too small. I want to go back to doing cocaine and fucking everyone with no self control.


Not letting my pain determine my character. Every person on Earth is walking their own path. You can't make people love you. And I can only pilot my mission. I can only be me, try to be good because that's what the world needs more of, and hope that one day, someone's path comes near my own and they wind up going the same direction where we can have some laughs, adventures, get on each other's nerves, and see the world.

Hurt causes more hurt. Healing causes more Healing. Namaste

Lessons

Maybe the life lesson here is to run before it's too late. I always stay too long, deer in headlight syndrome.

I called it how I seen it I stayed, and if I would any longer, even without him being a dick, lets be real, it would be a love square of doom, and squares are just people stuck in the same boxes.

I don't need in that box. Individually I like them all separately.

No joke. I love Ed. But I love everyone in the world. Jess has a broken kind spirit, and I want to help her, but 1. I know I will help because she needs it, and just because I'm hurt by the situation doesn't mean that it has to change who I am as a human. So breast pump, shoes for baby girl, clothes if needed. I'll do anything, and even though it hurts, she can't help hers anymore than I can.

So I can be anyone's friend from a far.

Eric hasn't been anything but kind to me. I feel sorry for him in the way I feel sorry for myself. Damaged and keeps trying. But some efforts are too little too late. I don't know what to make of it.

Lexie says all types of things about Jess, I didn't say anything I didn't already voice.. the Love triangle of doom and the fact I think they are both in love with one another. And she says it's just Ed.

Nope.. Ed has always been thing guy inserted in someone else's life in these weird "uncle Ed" ways and he has no reason to put himself out there, he has a woman at home that he doesn't much have to answer to except the subtleties of hurt. Which he did punish me for.

Ultimately I forgive those who never apologize. I'll move on... It will be weird as fuck giving the cold shoulder at work, but I think it's for the best. Not to Jess or Eric, I think Jess needs to learn to love herself. Without a man. You can't expect someone to fix you. Those are excuses. You gotta dig deep and heal that shit.

And I will forever give credit to Ed for every kind thing he has ever done for me. He was almost always a gentleman when he wasn't trying his hardest to be a jerk. But that's his defense.

And I've spent enough time alone, and learning who I am and who I am not willing to be, and I know I'm not dimming my light because it scares anyone, put some fucking sunglasses on because I'm going to shine on. Spent way too much time changing me for others to control. Ed does have control issues too. And no communication skills for an adult over 40.

I open my mouth, I say fucked up shit, my pride doesn't stop me from apologizing. But frankly I'm not punishing other people for faulty people in my pasts mistakes.

If you can't handle it, I'm still just going to be me. I can do that like a brick wall too.

\

Naked

Maybe I just like the feeling of jumping off of buildings because before I hit the ground, I can feel the wind in my face. And what's living without trying to fly?

I have high expectations. Also why I live so disappointed so often. I want to be bitter but mostly I can't be bitter and the coffee. And I suppose either way it goes, I didn't stop being me or dim my own light because someone else was afraid to see me shine.

And it hurts. It hurts every time. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't leap.

The world needs more of me. More living the unapologetic, too bright, love. Lovers of leaping.

Leapers of feelings. Leapers who haven't been in so much darkness they still spark with just a flint.

I don't blame anyone for being afraid of fire. I just need someone who has balls as big as mine. I need someone who finds what they love and like Bukowski says, lets it kill you.

And without a doubt, and it may never change, mine will be love. I love Love.

It just figures.

And he owes me an apology. I'm flawed. I don't have to treat people like shit because of it.

Fear

I've been personally afraid of a lot of things in my own life I try not to judge others for their own.. I've grown out of the majority of them as I've grown up some. The biggest being afraid to be myself. I know who I am.

In the last 24 hours I have had my stupid bleeding heart ripped out of my chest for just that. Being me.

Edelmiro. He's incredibly sexy, and funny, and smart. His heart is so huge the man literally spends his time trying to help raise someone else's kids. Making sure they don't go without. Pretty fucking admirable quality.

7 years I've known him. Dated him twice. We both did wrong to one another.

I came to a point after Benga I begged God to take my heart from my chest, I didn't want it anymore, I didn't want the capacity to love anyone else anymore. I only wanted to care about my own circle which was only the size of a fucking period at the end of a sentence. I still try to be a good human, but I didn't want to love ever again. It hurts. Too much so much.

I hadn't spoke to Ed in 3 years. We make amends. I'm enthralled in it. Mostly I just want to get over our weird so we could really be friends. We start hanging out. We have a blast together. So much I flashback to all the wonderful things he ever did for me, even for my kids. My brain calculates a formula to just show him I'm sorry for being to retarded to know what they were before but mostly with everything in me I just wanted to give him them back. He deserves it.

There was a huge flaw in my plan. My stupid fucking heart feels. And then we were having fun and he kissed me. And two million feelings I didn't want and wasn't ready for came flooding to the surface. He makes me laugh and smile. And who wouldn't want that.

The worst of all the problems, I just spent nearly a year not sleeping anymore. Days of endless insomnia. It stopped. I could sleep again. I after spending so much time restless and angry and without him trying to do anything gave me back my sleep. Until the last week. I'm waking up in the middle of the night even after eating 12 fucking benadryl.

Before we hung out last night, it was a week and a half ago. I broke my leg. I fought with my Nana just to hang out with him. Because I love spending time with him. Because I can laugh again. He spends 5 hours in the hospital with me. He babies me. And for as many times the words I don't want anything romantic came out of his mouth, he opened up and told me he really did like me a lot. And he kissed me kissed me. There had been a couple of nice ones before that, but with that one and his words, I wasn't afraid of him. Not of letting him in. I thought that after all this time we always were in some weird cosmic closeness somehow. And I thought we both had grown up enough that we could take our time and actually appreciate each other. Had me call him when I got home and talked to me for a minute, he was happy. Sent me this gif of Jack and Sally holding each other. Like our dark and twisty was going to be okay and everything in the universe, even though I just broke my fucking leg, was alright.

For those who read this and don't know me. I would do anything for the people I care about. Ed wooed me the first two times, I didn't want him to think I was helpless or just wanted him for those reasons. I just liked him for him. Which I know is still a mess. I do. But I just want to give him back 1 oz of the kindness and woo he gave me.

Yesterday, we went out to have fun. I ended up crying over pancakes. He admitted to me repetitively how he doesn't want anymore making out, dry humping, or anything like that. And I was fine in awkward phase, where it was sweet, and strange, and like we were 5th graders with crushes, because despite what his words said, he spoke to me through his actions. And honestly I respected everything he said, but he initiated all the romance... mr I don't want romance started it.

So now I'm sitting here, loving this guy who doesn't care I love him because it's scary. Because it's easier to hurt me than it is to just accept he has feelings. So I at 33 feel stupid. Crying all day because he couldn't even apologize or admit he played a huge part in any of this. Or even the truth, he's just as much afraid of being hurt as everyone else on the face of the earth. So he safe guarded himself.

So in less than two weeks I went from happy, laughing, kissing, being excited about a human who loved spending time with me too, for him to tell me in so many words I'm not worth anything and he was a brick wall. This man backed up from me when I stepped into his space. That was excruciating. I just gave my all to hang out with a guy who recoiled at the thought of me like that. Recoiled.

And then after the fact screamed at me because his friend drove him into a ditch and I came to save him putting myself in danger to do so, and he yelled at me. Me... this girl with a broken heart, a heart he initiated contact with, and then hurt, that still came to his rescue.

And I'm intense. I'll fucking give him that all day any day. But am I really that fucking horrible of a human being because I love him? Because I have a heart?

I didn't ask for him to kiss me. I didn't ask for him to dance with me in his kitchen. I didn't ask for him to rub my shoulders and be sweet and wrap his legs and arms around me. I didn't do anything but fucking be me.

The worst part? I said something stupid in a moment of frustration and it hurt him. Not only did I not mean it but I bent over backwards to apologize. Because I care. And because it hurt him, I know he has fucking feelings. Not only did he tell me but his actions has shown me over and over again. But he didn't want them either. So the easiest thing he can do to cope with it, it push me away. To be cruel the only time I got to leave my house to have fun in two weeks. And plan a whole evening when it was just supposed to be us, fun, the way I left it when I dropped him off at home the last time. His just being honest and kissing me because he wanted to.

I didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to have feelings, for fucks sake I'm fucking terrified too. But I don't take fears out on him.

I just gave him a piece of me I've never given to anyone. And all he wants is me to shut down this heart he very much helped open. And I don't want to fucking shut it. I just wanted us to be us.

So I'm scared that I loved someone, I'm scared they pushed me out, I'm scared I know I can't take back the things I shared with only him. I'm scared these tears won't stop. I'm afraid I lost him as my friend. I'm afraid to ever want to care about someone again.

Mostly I'm afraid to be me again anymore. I am always dancing on my own.