I've been personally afraid of a lot of things in my own life I try not to judge others for their own.. I've grown out of the majority of them as I've grown up some. The biggest being afraid to be myself. I know who I am.
In the last 24 hours I have had my stupid bleeding heart ripped out of my chest for just that. Being me.
Edelmiro. He's incredibly sexy, and funny, and smart. His heart is so huge the man literally spends his time trying to help raise someone else's kids. Making sure they don't go without. Pretty fucking admirable quality.
7 years I've known him. Dated him twice. We both did wrong to one another.
I came to a point after Benga I begged God to take my heart from my chest, I didn't want it anymore, I didn't want the capacity to love anyone else anymore. I only wanted to care about my own circle which was only the size of a fucking period at the end of a sentence. I still try to be a good human, but I didn't want to love ever again. It hurts. Too much so much.
I hadn't spoke to Ed in 3 years. We make amends. I'm enthralled in it. Mostly I just want to get over our weird so we could really be friends. We start hanging out. We have a blast together. So much I flashback to all the wonderful things he ever did for me, even for my kids. My brain calculates a formula to just show him I'm sorry for being to retarded to know what they were before but mostly with everything in me I just wanted to give him them back. He deserves it.
There was a huge flaw in my plan. My stupid fucking heart feels. And then we were having fun and he kissed me. And two million feelings I didn't want and wasn't ready for came flooding to the surface. He makes me laugh and smile. And who wouldn't want that.
The worst of all the problems, I just spent nearly a year not sleeping anymore. Days of endless insomnia. It stopped. I could sleep again. I after spending so much time restless and angry and without him trying to do anything gave me back my sleep. Until the last week. I'm waking up in the middle of the night even after eating 12 fucking benadryl.
Before we hung out last night, it was a week and a half ago. I broke my leg. I fought with my Nana just to hang out with him. Because I love spending time with him. Because I can laugh again. He spends 5 hours in the hospital with me. He babies me. And for as many times the words I don't want anything romantic came out of his mouth, he opened up and told me he really did like me a lot. And he kissed me kissed me. There had been a couple of nice ones before that, but with that one and his words, I wasn't afraid of him. Not of letting him in. I thought that after all this time we always were in some weird cosmic closeness somehow. And I thought we both had grown up enough that we could take our time and actually appreciate each other. Had me call him when I got home and talked to me for a minute, he was happy. Sent me this gif of Jack and Sally holding each other. Like our dark and twisty was going to be okay and everything in the universe, even though I just broke my fucking leg, was alright.
For those who read this and don't know me. I would do anything for the people I care about. Ed wooed me the first two times, I didn't want him to think I was helpless or just wanted him for those reasons. I just liked him for him. Which I know is still a mess. I do. But I just want to give him back 1 oz of the kindness and woo he gave me.
Yesterday, we went out to have fun. I ended up crying over pancakes. He admitted to me repetitively how he doesn't want anymore making out, dry humping, or anything like that. And I was fine in awkward phase, where it was sweet, and strange, and like we were 5th graders with crushes, because despite what his words said, he spoke to me through his actions. And honestly I respected everything he said, but he initiated all the romance... mr I don't want romance started it.
So now I'm sitting here, loving this guy who doesn't care I love him because it's scary. Because it's easier to hurt me than it is to just accept he has feelings. So I at 33 feel stupid. Crying all day because he couldn't even apologize or admit he played a huge part in any of this. Or even the truth, he's just as much afraid of being hurt as everyone else on the face of the earth. So he safe guarded himself.
So in less than two weeks I went from happy, laughing, kissing, being excited about a human who loved spending time with me too, for him to tell me in so many words I'm not worth anything and he was a brick wall. This man backed up from me when I stepped into his space. That was excruciating. I just gave my all to hang out with a guy who recoiled at the thought of me like that. Recoiled.
And then after the fact screamed at me because his friend drove him into a ditch and I came to save him putting myself in danger to do so, and he yelled at me. Me... this girl with a broken heart, a heart he initiated contact with, and then hurt, that still came to his rescue.
And I'm intense. I'll fucking give him that all day any day. But am I really that fucking horrible of a human being because I love him? Because I have a heart?
I didn't ask for him to kiss me. I didn't ask for him to dance with me in his kitchen. I didn't ask for him to rub my shoulders and be sweet and wrap his legs and arms around me. I didn't do anything but fucking be me.
The worst part? I said something stupid in a moment of frustration and it hurt him. Not only did I not mean it but I bent over backwards to apologize. Because I care. And because it hurt him, I know he has fucking feelings. Not only did he tell me but his actions has shown me over and over again. But he didn't want them either. So the easiest thing he can do to cope with it, it push me away. To be cruel the only time I got to leave my house to have fun in two weeks. And plan a whole evening when it was just supposed to be us, fun, the way I left it when I dropped him off at home the last time. His just being honest and kissing me because he wanted to.
I didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to have feelings, for fucks sake I'm fucking terrified too. But I don't take fears out on him.
I just gave him a piece of me I've never given to anyone. And all he wants is me to shut down this heart he very much helped open. And I don't want to fucking shut it. I just wanted us to be us.
So I'm scared that I loved someone, I'm scared they pushed me out, I'm scared I know I can't take back the things I shared with only him. I'm scared these tears won't stop. I'm afraid I lost him as my friend. I'm afraid to ever want to care about someone again.
Mostly I'm afraid to be me again anymore. I am always dancing on my own.
In the last 24 hours I have had my stupid bleeding heart ripped out of my chest for just that. Being me.
Edelmiro. He's incredibly sexy, and funny, and smart. His heart is so huge the man literally spends his time trying to help raise someone else's kids. Making sure they don't go without. Pretty fucking admirable quality.
7 years I've known him. Dated him twice. We both did wrong to one another.
I came to a point after Benga I begged God to take my heart from my chest, I didn't want it anymore, I didn't want the capacity to love anyone else anymore. I only wanted to care about my own circle which was only the size of a fucking period at the end of a sentence. I still try to be a good human, but I didn't want to love ever again. It hurts. Too much so much.
I hadn't spoke to Ed in 3 years. We make amends. I'm enthralled in it. Mostly I just want to get over our weird so we could really be friends. We start hanging out. We have a blast together. So much I flashback to all the wonderful things he ever did for me, even for my kids. My brain calculates a formula to just show him I'm sorry for being to retarded to know what they were before but mostly with everything in me I just wanted to give him them back. He deserves it.
There was a huge flaw in my plan. My stupid fucking heart feels. And then we were having fun and he kissed me. And two million feelings I didn't want and wasn't ready for came flooding to the surface. He makes me laugh and smile. And who wouldn't want that.
The worst of all the problems, I just spent nearly a year not sleeping anymore. Days of endless insomnia. It stopped. I could sleep again. I after spending so much time restless and angry and without him trying to do anything gave me back my sleep. Until the last week. I'm waking up in the middle of the night even after eating 12 fucking benadryl.
Before we hung out last night, it was a week and a half ago. I broke my leg. I fought with my Nana just to hang out with him. Because I love spending time with him. Because I can laugh again. He spends 5 hours in the hospital with me. He babies me. And for as many times the words I don't want anything romantic came out of his mouth, he opened up and told me he really did like me a lot. And he kissed me kissed me. There had been a couple of nice ones before that, but with that one and his words, I wasn't afraid of him. Not of letting him in. I thought that after all this time we always were in some weird cosmic closeness somehow. And I thought we both had grown up enough that we could take our time and actually appreciate each other. Had me call him when I got home and talked to me for a minute, he was happy. Sent me this gif of Jack and Sally holding each other. Like our dark and twisty was going to be okay and everything in the universe, even though I just broke my fucking leg, was alright.
For those who read this and don't know me. I would do anything for the people I care about. Ed wooed me the first two times, I didn't want him to think I was helpless or just wanted him for those reasons. I just liked him for him. Which I know is still a mess. I do. But I just want to give him back 1 oz of the kindness and woo he gave me.
Yesterday, we went out to have fun. I ended up crying over pancakes. He admitted to me repetitively how he doesn't want anymore making out, dry humping, or anything like that. And I was fine in awkward phase, where it was sweet, and strange, and like we were 5th graders with crushes, because despite what his words said, he spoke to me through his actions. And honestly I respected everything he said, but he initiated all the romance... mr I don't want romance started it.
So now I'm sitting here, loving this guy who doesn't care I love him because it's scary. Because it's easier to hurt me than it is to just accept he has feelings. So I at 33 feel stupid. Crying all day because he couldn't even apologize or admit he played a huge part in any of this. Or even the truth, he's just as much afraid of being hurt as everyone else on the face of the earth. So he safe guarded himself.
So in less than two weeks I went from happy, laughing, kissing, being excited about a human who loved spending time with me too, for him to tell me in so many words I'm not worth anything and he was a brick wall. This man backed up from me when I stepped into his space. That was excruciating. I just gave my all to hang out with a guy who recoiled at the thought of me like that. Recoiled.
And then after the fact screamed at me because his friend drove him into a ditch and I came to save him putting myself in danger to do so, and he yelled at me. Me... this girl with a broken heart, a heart he initiated contact with, and then hurt, that still came to his rescue.
And I'm intense. I'll fucking give him that all day any day. But am I really that fucking horrible of a human being because I love him? Because I have a heart?
I didn't ask for him to kiss me. I didn't ask for him to dance with me in his kitchen. I didn't ask for him to rub my shoulders and be sweet and wrap his legs and arms around me. I didn't do anything but fucking be me.
The worst part? I said something stupid in a moment of frustration and it hurt him. Not only did I not mean it but I bent over backwards to apologize. Because I care. And because it hurt him, I know he has fucking feelings. Not only did he tell me but his actions has shown me over and over again. But he didn't want them either. So the easiest thing he can do to cope with it, it push me away. To be cruel the only time I got to leave my house to have fun in two weeks. And plan a whole evening when it was just supposed to be us, fun, the way I left it when I dropped him off at home the last time. His just being honest and kissing me because he wanted to.
I didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to have feelings, for fucks sake I'm fucking terrified too. But I don't take fears out on him.
I just gave him a piece of me I've never given to anyone. And all he wants is me to shut down this heart he very much helped open. And I don't want to fucking shut it. I just wanted us to be us.
So I'm scared that I loved someone, I'm scared they pushed me out, I'm scared I know I can't take back the things I shared with only him. I'm scared these tears won't stop. I'm afraid I lost him as my friend. I'm afraid to ever want to care about someone again.
Mostly I'm afraid to be me again anymore. I am always dancing on my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment