Dumped.

He dumped me. And I think he means it. It's the first relationship I didn't cheat or even engage. 6 months later dumped because I called him out for getting drunk and being mean. It ended with him acting like a fool shoving and pushing me out his door at 6 am telling me to get the fuck out.

Today is his birthday. He did this yesterday. Today was supposed to be our first kiss. Like real real kiss. His top set of teeth are dentures, nothing I cared about but he was always self conscious. He promised me, I waited and then he dumped me.

Today. Fucking. Sucks. Donkey. Dick.

He's supposed to be my best friend, my ride or die, my soulmate.

7.7 billion people and I know the fucking facts. And I was dumb enough to believe I could fly. I am ennammered by my own stupidity.

I'm a damn liar.

I'm fucking smitten and getting ready to soar off this ledge because he might just be it.

Bewildering

So update:

He's out of this fucking world. I feel like I get ennammered in situations of lust and lose myself quickly. But this. Holy hell I'm scared to fucking death of him and this is it.

I will never put this another way. He looks at my hundred foot tall cement blocked wall around my heart and acts like it's cotton candy. He doesn't have a care in the world and somehow manages to still care about everything.

I read once when you found someone exactly like you is when you found your soulmate. He makes me feel beautiful and nervous and like a little kid and that every hope and dream I have is equally as romantic with the universe as I believe it is. He doesn't ever put me down.

He gets this grin when he catches me staring at him. He doesn't want to share me, he said we could only be friends if I wasn't exclusively fucking him because he's not down with that shit.

I think I done flirted myself into a relationship. And the funniest part is it's like he's smart enough to know to not to a label on it because just that part scares me.

He says the best shit too. Ended talking with me last night by saying "I want you. And I'm don't think I'm even close to your level, but I'm yours"

Like I'm a sexual deviant and he's a good chilverous gentle man. He told me he thinks I'm going to chew him up and spit him out. I don't think I could. His soul radiates at the same wavelength as my own. I just get him. And so by equal measures I know we are equally terrified of each other.

And there isn't one piece of me that believes he would ever hurt me or cheat on me.

And I can't make sense of this. I'm in love with me, and now I see a male counterpart that holds so many of the qualities if not all of them that I love about myself and mostly, I panic.

There are these signs that part of me wants to dismiss but they keep getting funnier and louder. Private jokes between the universe and I, or him saying the exact random things I say.

I met him in the 6th grade. It's just kinda nuts. But he's so even keeled. Like he's not afraid of anything. He sees the beauty in love. Like he believes in it.

I keep telling him he's from another planet. I do honestly believe he's out of this world. And if we're all somehow a reflection of ourselves in other people, he inadvertently makes me like myself more at the same time. This shit is fucking crazy.

I am ennammered.

Brownie

I've been eating edibles for days. Like a mental vacation.

Been spending time with Sam. Had sex. It was good. He's a giver. I can appreciate that. And he has stamina. He's a little vanilla but I think it's because he's such a selfless lover.

It's his day off today. I get to see him later. Take him his uke I had fixed for him. Although I won't get any ass. Aunt flow came to town yesterday morning.

He woke me up texting me today. And I was going to say something and I hestatated but then told him what It was.

I said I was going to say spoon me but then I decided to not be such a chick. He was all about it. I said I'd be over later.

So far he's the exact opposite as Ed. He communicates, and talks about feelings. I like him.

Sober

At least for the most part. Smoked but not drunk and that's what counts right now. I feel like I should better explain the situation at hand. 

I like loving myself. I don't want to give up anymore pieces of me. Not in that way. I feel selfish about it. But not guilty because for as many pieces I did give away and didn't get back, I don't like those parts of myself. With each person I shed something in me that now with hindsight I can clearly say, I would want back. And while I'm not perfect, and never above learning, it took me just to this point in my life giving me away blindly that I'm only now enjoying myself.

Waiting 33 years to do that is a lot. And considering I've had sex 1 in years and instantly the urges came back too. I have to be ridiculously careful climbing that ladder anyways.

But if the universe wanted to get my attention where I'm at now it would send a fucking hippie stoner dude who is awkward and kind, even chilverous to play me dashboard and quote the one line off the entire album that resonates in my being.

And he's not afraid to speak, while I'm strange anyway I always watch people before I let the ultra guard down. And that entails a lot of me being quiet and just listening. And he does just fine with that.

And can we just talk about my fucking panic anxiety for a moment?? It's not near normal to worry so much about this shit with a guy who I'm not even sure what he's looking for and I don't have the balls to ask and part of me doesn't even want to know because I know I don't want anything and then I would just always be this constant disappointment.

We oddly enough got passed the no marriage thing already. I referred to myself as being a crazy spinster for life and he didn't know the term. So I explained a woman passed the prime of a good marrying age that everyone talks about that never settles down and keeps a man. So he asked my thoughts on marriage and I explained I think it's beautiful but I find it redundant.

He was cool. I told him I'm fine with loving someone, I'm very affectionate, it's just not realistic to me to expect 1 person to meet my every changing needs for a lifetime. I didn't throw out there that I don't want a relationship or just a fuck, and I know it's supposed to be considered a FWB thing then, but I want something slightly more than that but more casual than a relationship. I don't FWB because it gets messy.

I'm a walking conundrum. Sadly even though it's like I'm looking for a very specific vibration he seems to flowing with it nicely and that ultimately terrifies me.

I could go on forever with my Phillaphobia. Just circles in my head.

Drunk

So I'm drunk and I may regret typing this but i like to look back and see where my own mindframe was during the moment.

I don't want anyone.. that would actually be the time the universe sent me someone like me for me.

Always tries to make sure I'm comfortable. He's direct. Left brained. Hippie who is okay and in love with the idea of traveling. Sensitive and intelligent.

Without ever knowing me even though we've known each other for a while.... I went to his house and the first song he stems on his guitar is dashboard.

I bring it up yesterday while we are kicking it. Plays a bunch more, all my favorites and then sings the lyrics, I've left a note pressed between pages to find if you're so inclined.

I left a note, between bengas pages, because of that song, that says, does she ever get the guy?

Just like the lyric he sang to me. If the universe was trying to get my attention, she did loudly. And while I'm honestly bitter because every sign before was not one, is like to think that this one, knowing him, and knowing me, is the closest thing I could find to something that could comprehend me.

I already threw out the I don't want marriage bit. I want to be a crazy spinster. He's down. He knows I'm a hot mess. Living at home with no car. He knows I'm not that hot.

He still likes to spend time with me??

I can't trust signs anymore. I need more now.

Turn it around

I'm drunk so this could be dyslexic.  Hung out with Sam tonight. He's the bees knees. He played me dashboard on the guitar. He did it the other night too. He gets so excited, and he loves a good fire. He's a hippie in love with music and I think I could like him. He's not like everyone else. He's magnanimous. Could drift and music and smoke all day. He's blunt. More than me. I like that. It puts me on the spot and I revel in opportunities to think on my feet. He's laid back. No pressure. Just chill. He has his awkward moments but I like them.

I gave up.  But he has the same Zest. I love zest.

I was with Benga last night. No one can induce the same thing as me. I got an orgasm.

I know I'm falling fast due to the fact I fucked and then joined a fucking dating site. A hook up one. I already deleted it knowing the slippery slope.

A lot of my day is thinking about dick impaling me. The thickness, the way it spreads me. So recovery... I deleted it.

I'm trying to be okay. That fast it wants to swoop me though. It's a never ending battle.

The life of a recovering sex addict.