Sober

At least for the most part. Smoked but not drunk and that's what counts right now. I feel like I should better explain the situation at hand. 

I like loving myself. I don't want to give up anymore pieces of me. Not in that way. I feel selfish about it. But not guilty because for as many pieces I did give away and didn't get back, I don't like those parts of myself. With each person I shed something in me that now with hindsight I can clearly say, I would want back. And while I'm not perfect, and never above learning, it took me just to this point in my life giving me away blindly that I'm only now enjoying myself.

Waiting 33 years to do that is a lot. And considering I've had sex 1 in years and instantly the urges came back too. I have to be ridiculously careful climbing that ladder anyways.

But if the universe wanted to get my attention where I'm at now it would send a fucking hippie stoner dude who is awkward and kind, even chilverous to play me dashboard and quote the one line off the entire album that resonates in my being.

And he's not afraid to speak, while I'm strange anyway I always watch people before I let the ultra guard down. And that entails a lot of me being quiet and just listening. And he does just fine with that.

And can we just talk about my fucking panic anxiety for a moment?? It's not near normal to worry so much about this shit with a guy who I'm not even sure what he's looking for and I don't have the balls to ask and part of me doesn't even want to know because I know I don't want anything and then I would just always be this constant disappointment.

We oddly enough got passed the no marriage thing already. I referred to myself as being a crazy spinster for life and he didn't know the term. So I explained a woman passed the prime of a good marrying age that everyone talks about that never settles down and keeps a man. So he asked my thoughts on marriage and I explained I think it's beautiful but I find it redundant.

He was cool. I told him I'm fine with loving someone, I'm very affectionate, it's just not realistic to me to expect 1 person to meet my every changing needs for a lifetime. I didn't throw out there that I don't want a relationship or just a fuck, and I know it's supposed to be considered a FWB thing then, but I want something slightly more than that but more casual than a relationship. I don't FWB because it gets messy.

I'm a walking conundrum. Sadly even though it's like I'm looking for a very specific vibration he seems to flowing with it nicely and that ultimately terrifies me.

I could go on forever with my Phillaphobia. Just circles in my head.