Bewildering

So update:

He's out of this fucking world. I feel like I get ennammered in situations of lust and lose myself quickly. But this. Holy hell I'm scared to fucking death of him and this is it.

I will never put this another way. He looks at my hundred foot tall cement blocked wall around my heart and acts like it's cotton candy. He doesn't have a care in the world and somehow manages to still care about everything.

I read once when you found someone exactly like you is when you found your soulmate. He makes me feel beautiful and nervous and like a little kid and that every hope and dream I have is equally as romantic with the universe as I believe it is. He doesn't ever put me down.

He gets this grin when he catches me staring at him. He doesn't want to share me, he said we could only be friends if I wasn't exclusively fucking him because he's not down with that shit.

I think I done flirted myself into a relationship. And the funniest part is it's like he's smart enough to know to not to a label on it because just that part scares me.

He says the best shit too. Ended talking with me last night by saying "I want you. And I'm don't think I'm even close to your level, but I'm yours"

Like I'm a sexual deviant and he's a good chilverous gentle man. He told me he thinks I'm going to chew him up and spit him out. I don't think I could. His soul radiates at the same wavelength as my own. I just get him. And so by equal measures I know we are equally terrified of each other.

And there isn't one piece of me that believes he would ever hurt me or cheat on me.

And I can't make sense of this. I'm in love with me, and now I see a male counterpart that holds so many of the qualities if not all of them that I love about myself and mostly, I panic.

There are these signs that part of me wants to dismiss but they keep getting funnier and louder. Private jokes between the universe and I, or him saying the exact random things I say.

I met him in the 6th grade. It's just kinda nuts. But he's so even keeled. Like he's not afraid of anything. He sees the beauty in love. Like he believes in it.

I keep telling him he's from another planet. I do honestly believe he's out of this world. And if we're all somehow a reflection of ourselves in other people, he inadvertently makes me like myself more at the same time. This shit is fucking crazy.

I am ennammered.