A Razors Edge

I've practiced. I can still look with anticipation at the things that are before me. A mild sense of security. No panic needed. No giant fight. No sense of time in unsensabilty. Bruce Banner ladies and gentlemen.

He turns. Like a switch when he gets used to getting what he wants. One fight every four years? Just the word no. I suffer from the same chemical imbalance in sorts. But most don't welcome The ability to self analyze. It happens every time. He gets greedy. Entitled. More selfish. We fight. I resent. We separate. Eventually come back together. And pattern repeated.

I don't have a problem going away. I'm centered. I don't have a problem taking care of business. My kids. Who have been in his life for three years off and on too. I have to be stable. And my life is not a giant party.

The same fight over and over again. And he starts off so cool. Like that guy is out of this world. But watch out when hulk gets mad. Emotionally retarded? Fuck me?

If I love something wouldn't I want it to have the best? If he can do better than me, then he's more than welcome to it? It's his happiness. Love isn't self seeking.

When you're a child you play with childish things, when you grow you put childish things away. I've grown out of these petty quarrels. 

Straight Retarded

Why are dudes crazy as fuck? We love them, cater to them, and where is the appreciation? 

Happens every time.  I'm not surprised, nor am I excited. I'm only good till I have a backbone and then I'm not shit?

I'm always wrong. But in all actuality your dick probably just needs to heal from fucking the girl who left the Bobby pins in the couch after your usual weekend disappearance. And I have no right to say anything cause I ain't your woman. But I get called names? I'm emotionally retarded?

Support your dreams. Check. Listen to you. Check. Show kindness. Check. Don't be boastful. Check. Don't be proud. Check. Be patient.  Check. Don't be jealous. Check.

But fuck me and the job I helped you get? When you're trying to see your kid. And conquer the world. But you just ignore my emotionally retarded ass.

Yes, I know. And after everything I do... you ignore me. And I've been doing this for 3 years?

Ouch. The world and all of it sacredness is balance. How will you feel when your daughter loves someone exactly like you? What you feed the world you get in return.

And never charity. Only love. But love should always be mutual, never just when you need it. You're a man, not a child. I take care of my children, if I'm taking care of a man, I should be taken care of. And that includes caring about my day, Being there emotionally even when you can't financially.

If someone doesn't have interest in those things, then there really isn't a point. I'm not saying I'm sorry because the truth left a bitter taste. If goodbye is what he's shooting for, then a ship is always safest is the harbor, but that's not what a ship was made for. Set sail.

I'm not fighting for anyone who isn't fighting for me.

I'm sure another bitch will lick your ass and take off your pants, and get you addis, and head like mine, and rides, and candy. Oh and try and support your dreams and cater to you. Go ahead, replace me.

I got sticky icky green and scotch I don't really care.

The fuck?

It's Not

It not that God lies. Its that he out smarts you. See you think he could be saying one thing but meaning another. And how can you do the daunting task of questioning what he already knows that you think you know, because only the ego tries to control.

I know you love your markers, but isn't what I gave you better? Better?? Yes. It was splendid and incredible.  But you know I love my markers. You know. So then if you created me to be me, then have to understand that I'm the kind of person who is going to fight for markers. 

Because of compromise.  I could be comprising what could be better. I know. But I want my markers. I think that would be good too.  Do good things.

But you told me I could have the desires of my heart. Why such trickery? It's such a closed door.

30: The Struggle

Using a blog to talk to myself and release the pent up life problems.

My 30th birthday. In my head something I was prepared to avoid forever.

But I secretly had been looking forward to spending a nite with friends under the stars. With my Bo. And having passionate sex in a tent.

What it turned out to be. Me running around all day appeasing everyone. Spending a shit ton of money I didn't have And falling asleep from exhaustion. Feeling unappreciated...and No cake. I'm pretty sure most everyone had an ok time but me. Although Bo complained about sleeping on the ground.

The things that plague me. Why am I surprised?  He was funny and kind. Exactly what I would of wanted. But why do I feel resentful that the day before I hand him $60 and he gets something that cost $35. Holds on to the rest. I roll one joint for myself that I still had a small piece of by the next time I see him. I never get my change that he helps himself to, and after I get him food, and cigarettes. He rolled two blunts when he felt like it during the festivities and we smoked.

And then complains about sleeping on the ground. He let me sleep. I guess that was nice. I wanted a dream night of head. Birthday girl. Big 3-0.

I just moved out of my house. Where I was completely happy with. I had a beach. A good neighborhood.  A place where I was in a good school district so my son could finally go to the school I fought to get him into for 3 years. A support system. Doctors, therapist.  What's my families problem? Bo. So I move. To not deal with me sticking up for this guy I believe has really changed.

And I want to love him. He loves me. Admittidly not a choice he would make, but the heart wants what the heart wants. But there is something holding me back.  Am I ready to be resentful? I don't necessarily care about the things I do, but there is a fine line between being kind, and being taken advantage of. He has taken advantage of me. But I asked if he was being ruined by spoils because he wanted what he wanted, and he got defensive. What he has he shares.

But if I had just gave him $60, got a joint out of it, wanted to come back to my house, he threw a temper tantrum about that. Says he doesn't have enough green for another one, wants to use the last of mine. But we go in the house and he miraculously has some?? Where did it come from? I didn't even want to smoke after that. His presence was my birthday presant? But clearly I also paid for it?? I'm kinda let down. Kinda a lot. I've played this role before. I don't like it.

I think in his dreams He takes care of me back, but right now that's what he's occupied with. I've known this, I accepted it coming back this time. But I am not signing on for the same b.s.

Expecting something for something. Fucks it all up. On both sides.

I want a partner. I want to build something with someone. I want someone to work with me. Together. Not chase their dreams while living at home and maybe one day deciding to man up. He said he wants to push everything back another year. To do it how he wants.

To break this down. I'm in a relationship that isn't a relationship.  He's not my boyfriend, my man, he has no responsibility to me. He is free to do whatever he wants. All while I hold my life up for a guy who talks to me some more? Who I think wants to be there!?

3 years. Of waiting. Of wanting. Of loving, and fighting, and being scared.

He could of baked me a cake. He could of given me birthday head. He could do a lot of things. Love don't pay the bills. And I'm not sure continuing to hold off for someone else's dreams with no guarantee to my future works. He talks about when he makes it. And I wholeheartedly believe in him. But what if he doesnt? Do I get a partner then? When does he decide I've been with him long enough to have a normal relationship?  Where two people move in and pay bills together? Make dinner together? Take turns yelling at kids to get in the bath? Have bbqs?  Take turns doing dishes and mowing the lawn?

What about what I want? Regardless we have to wait and see, but a little assurance would say something. Right now no matter how sweet he is when I'm around, or regardless of the fact I know he loves me, what about our future?

Time is the only thing we don't get back. 3 years of love is a long time.

The Truth of the Matter

I'm dating myself. I think I have been for along time now. I think now that I'm older I've sorta reconciled with it. I'm learning to love me. Enjoying my flaws, and debating them, understanding me. Searching.

I read that the dream person you desire is actually yourself. You have all the qualities you seek in someone. You understand your flaws, bad habits. You can depend on you.

The cosmic overdone classic fork in the road syndrome plagues me as always. I think it's because I analyze a situation clearly trying to grasp some sort of awareness or understanding. So there no way it can never be easy. It's chronic life events.

What if I can see two completely lives? And both of them seem great? What if the opposite attraction to both of them is the very thing possibly thing that all of creations generic desicion making boils down too?

There is something big inside of me. Its one days revolution waiting. Whatever it is, it's important. And I feel like a kid in a candy store about it? Melissa's grand adventure.

What if choose wrong? The wrong road? Why is it we know what we should do but there is a stronger magnetic force is pulling you in the other direction?

Can't I have everything?  Can't it work together? Why Is there multiple outcomes? And why can't I be ignorant and bliss? Why does intelligence and life make me so perplexed?

The mysteries of life I suppose.

Unfathomable

Patience. Not my strong suit. Its something that has always been out to me, but somehow I failed to get the consequences of not applying it. Reroute, go above, go behind, some how someway, I've escaped adulthood with nearly any. I could find a way to always get what I want.

They say with age comes wisdom. I try to work at implementing it in my life a little more now. I hate it. I don't understand it. I understand lots of outcomes can be avoided when used. But beyond that it doesn't seem fun. Waiting. That's what it all boils down to. Waiting for children to grow up, giving them exceptions to outburst and such. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for people to change, or for a better life. Waiting.

As I contemplate my next life choices, I'm plagued by a decision of patience. Do I wait for him? I love him. But my hope is only a sliver and I have dreams. But I feel so conquered. A lost hope. I try not to let myself fantasize about a life with him. I've worked hard at that.

I'm a math and science person. If regardless of the destination the journey is still the same, then patience is inevitable. 

You still have to wait. We can't currently speed up time as is, not that time is actually real, but the unknown? The things you can't factor?

So to me the safest route is to continue to do what I do and just to apply the perspective of patience. Whatever the outcome, it was already predestined.

And I reached completely new heights during meditation last night. Incredible.

Like a bull chasing a butterfly

Sometimes the appeal of sleep deprivation is ridiculous meditation.