DOUBLE D DAY

Before we get to today's exciting events.. I still feel like an uber ass for texting Tom last night. Clearly a good reason to not fuck with normal people. Although for me not actually that surprising. I've done a lot of dumb shit before, especially drunk. Like 10 years ago I go out drinking with my cousin, who is my designated driver. We go to a venue my friend owns. (I've done some crazy shit here too, I used to manage doors, money, bands wants and desires, my favorite memory was hanging out with Mastodon playing hide and go seek fuuuuccckkkkeed up loaded off the cocaine..... honestly playing hide and go seek in a 4 story creepy asf venue fucking rocked, it used to be a Free Mason building) back to the story..

This guy is determined to take me home. I let my cousin know in advance do not let me get drunk and have this guy take me home. I'm an idiot when I'm drunk, I don't need my mad pimping skills getting me randos over some free drinks. And he bought plenty. She didn't let me go home with him. When it was time to leave, we go outside, and they all hit me at once. I feel sick. My cousin who is frankly just like me knows I'm about to puke. And these people were passing us as they get out of their car and being dicks for no reason. So she tells me to puke on their car. So I did. And even as an older adult, I'm a big enough asshole I still think that's funny.

So drunken Melissa antics really don't surprise me. I'm a fuck.

But I did stop in the local bar where the shitty shenanigans started last's bar fight. I walked in and gabby the bartender grabs a cup and Starts making me a drink. I had to stop her and tell her no, I just came to talk to you. She looks hella confused. I just told her I apologize for yelling an being an ass last night. Her response: You don't have to apologize, that dude was a fucking ass. I tell her I know, I've known him my whole life, he knows my family, and the guy who sexually abused me growing up, but regardless of that, I'm an adult and you had customers and I feel bad. She reassures me not to feel bad at all. I asked her to pass along my apology to Jack (favorite bartender, he makes me really good margaritas) And I thanked her and came home. Glad I'm totes allowed to be a fuck in public and it was actually justified though. Things I love hearing... I'm right.

So the rest of today....


So I did a thing today. Being the masochist I am.. I officially have a double septum piercing. Kinda really geeked about it. I went in to size my gauges and have new plugs put in, and get a new nose ring. My horseshoes have a tendency to lose balls quickly. As my hot girl lady putting my new nose ring in and tapering me tells me to lay down... (yes ma'am) we're talking and I mention I'm thinking about getting a double septum. She gets so excited so quick. Lets me know when I decide to do it, come to her she will hook me up... Of course I asked like what are we talking here? She said she'll do it for only the cost of the jewelry. She's been dying to do one and she can put it in her portfolio.

Ummm.. bitch lets do this now. When I say she's excited, I heard several times how I am now her new favorite person. How she loves me... And while she's setting up and I'm laying down, I hear, like I really want to tell you I love you right now but I do't want to make this weird. I was all.... it's cool you can. So she did, a lot. And I told her I loved her back. Apparently these are not that common, I haven't actually ever met someone with one. So she got to take pictures and send them to her other piercer friends and I was bragging rights because they hadn't done the either. I felt pretty cool for that one. Which being me, is pretty fucking rare.

She did mention she had a girlfriend, who she bought the same pair of plugs we were shoving in my ears. (the I love yous came after though) And I went in thinking my holes were way smaller. I had stretched to 5/8 before and it's been a decade of them being out. I have worn other earrings not with a stud but the hook backing kind. No one can tell I had them before unless I tell them. So I went in thinking I was going to be maybe a 10, but closer to a 12. Fuck no, we got muther fucking 2's in there. Which means it won't take me nearly as long to stretch to where I want.  I don't think I'll go super big again, I haven't decided for sure where I want them to be.

But my life choice for my birthday was Fuck It. I'm being who I want. My friend Ray is a tattoo artist there. I'm trying to talk him into letting me be an apprentice. It's going to take some work but I think I'll win. Fez (lady piercer) asked why I wanted to do the apprenticeship.. I said because I turned 33 and decided fuck dudes, I have cancer, I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy, and I don't want to slave my life away serving ranch til I die.

Fair enough.

And that was my day today folks. Not too shabby. And now you can all see how awesome it looks. But I can't wait to change the horseshoes out for just rings or something else. Healing is a bitch.

God oh God

I'm fucking retarded. 1... still half drunk from last night. Uuuuuggghhhhhh. In my my defense, some guy was buying free fireball shots for everyone. I was already slamming double shots of Jack honey. And drinking margaritas? Why would I do such things? I don't actually have a real answer for that. My tea kettle is on. I took a xanex, hopefully I fall back asleep. I'm retarded. Not on the spectrum but perhaps I should look into that. Because it's a real possibility I am. 

2. I drunk messaged Tom last night. The real one, I vaguely  remember... I'm sure some incoherent nonsense I'm afraid to look at. My bad dude. I think if I remember correctly I said we could of been friends. I also kinda remember telling him I wear checkered vans????? Because at 33 that's definitely what the fuck matters in life. I think I blocked him too. Also a very Melissa thing to do. Get the last word in and don't let anyone else say anything??? Because in real life I have the mentality of a 7 year old. FML

3. Bar fights. First who the fuck hits on a girl with zero cleavage out??? I seriously asked the bartender if I even look approachable? She said yes.. I asked how? I show up in my pajamas. I'm wearing a shirt, and I swear, honestly, I have zero idea where in came from in my life. It just appeared one day. It says something about bacon on it. Black long sleeves, the writing is on the back. And my favorite grey leggings. WTF? Now normally I go to the bar especially on the weekends, and hide in the corner because they're busy. Everyone leaves me alone. But it wasn't actually that busy. Not that I look to see what patrons are what... I came in, the rail was open, I rather like the bartenders. I sit down, almost immediately start getting hit on by randos. That's when I ask Jen the bartender why I look approachable. I mean seriously, some dude called me Renee, and for the first three minutes I played along. It was just another asshole moment brought to you by Melissa. 

 He kept calling me with it and I was like I'm Renee. This guy puts his arms around me and hugs me, and in that instant I knew I shouldn't of played along. No dude, you're actually touching me, stop. Please Stop. I told him my name wasn't Renee and he argued with me until I showed him my ID.  But I did go to school with the kid, and let him know he remembered me from there. He was still excited he knew me. Then more followed. 

If you know me.... I don't talk to other locals. Everyone in the I'll say 3 small towns adjoining all went to the same school and fuck everyone from the same school. Apparently I'm hot enough for them now as if I didn't remember being the really weird girl in high school. I was. I'm still okay with it. I guess they're past that. Nope, not me Still the really weird girl. Please leave me alone.

My free time includes getting drunk alone and sleeping on the beach. Writing in a blog. And now we can add drunkenly harassing Tom. Drunken embarrassing myself was always on the list. But now we're throwing celebrities in there???

So back to the fight. Dudes last name is Bumgardner. He's been around since I can remember. He could be a traveler though because he looks exactly the same as when I was a kid. We live in a 1.3 mile long beach town. Everyone knows everyone. He made some retarded joke at me. I don't think he cared for my witty comeback. No one usually does. Whatever. So he starts getting irate. Then because we live in a small town and rumors spread like wildfire, even if they're true. He starts talking about his friend, his very good guy friend who molested me for most of my childhood when he lived in my house growing up. 

Now, I can deal with a lot in life. I do mean a lot. I try to be graceful (fail miserably) and kind (I do okay there) But one thing I can't do... is stick up for pedophilia. Sorry, I work with kids, not really in my array of talents there. So as this guy is belligerently yelling across the bar on what a nice guy his friend is, (there is a large group of people between us, including 3 out of the 5 people who just hit on me) I yelled back???

And when I did, it was something a long the lines of (I'm lying this is exactly what it was) YEAH, HE WAS REALLY A GREAT GUY WHEN HE WAS SHOVING HIS DICK DOWN MY THROAT WHEN I WAS 6. FUCK YOU BUMGARDNER. 

In my own defense.. I didn't say it because I was drunk, I said it because it was true?

Which then obviously led to a screaming match where everyone heard. And the bartender Jack came and tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I was cool. I had to apologize to him. And completely look away and order another drink and ask to cash out. 

Men get so butthurt. (side note, I just actually added butthurt to the laptop dictionary) And I am not a person to deal with anyone's shit well. I used to. I used to be a fucking doormat. And I would fantasize about going out with a bang. And one day, like magically over night, I got tired of fantasizing about things. So I went out with a bang. It only started this year. Right before the rape. 

I had this super douche bag manager at Dave & Busters, which is a horrible place to work anyways, (also serving ranch is a complete waste of my time because I'm licensed to work with kids in school) and I walked out about two hours after my shift started and posted a note on the server page.

I'm really proud of that actually. 

Frank is the biggest ball sucking muther fucker I've ever met, and his cum guzzling whore of a mother should have swallowed that load. I've never had the pleasure of meeting a bigger bitch in my entire life, Eric you're cool, Josh you're cool, but Frank, FUCK YOU. And just so you servers know, there are plenty of places that will treat you with respect and you will you will make twice the money in half the time and deal with zero of the bullshit.

And that was my parting gift. And honestly, it felt fantastic. So in that moment I decided to stop being docile because it was always a stirring in my soul to go out with a bang. Bucket list shit. I hated that job. Not to say I wasn't an asshole before I just bit my tongue for the most part. This people is why I need Jesus. 

I stormed in my house drunk as fuck at 1 am. My Nana was still up. I told her the gist of what happened as I'm parading around my house grabbing blankets. I remember her saying "Oh No" and I went and slept on the beach. My happy place. 

I think I woke up around 4 am and came in the house. When I just woke up I found most of my belongings outside. That happens when you're me. At least I didn't loose them.

And that ladies and gentleman was my evening. 

And on a lighter note, the one guy who I wanted to hit on me at work, I think may have... and he was grateful for my jukebox selections and tried to talk to me. Apparently I can compile 3 word sentences when I'm nervous. The best whole sentence I got out was while he was just talking happily to anyone who would listen and was like even though this isn't NIN I'm happy about whoever played this. (he did know it was me because my friend Ashley was sitting next to him and we discussed my selection) And as I'm cleaning behind him and he says this, I just say, It's because closer isn't an option on the jukebox so I went with the Arctic Monkeys. 

He turned around and was I'm so glad someone here knows about music and has good taste.   

Melissa awkward moment *says thanks and runs away. 

Split a piece of wood and I am there

I'm going to write about something that has wrecked my heart and I hope for someone or anyone who reads this, it wrecks yours too. I'm going to tell you about me, and I hope you choose to get through this, and you will understand if you do. 

I'm a recovering sex addict. I used to self harm. I've tried to kill myself, and had to have my stomach pumped. I've actually been almost paralyzed from being in toxic and abusive relationships, I could barely walk for two years. I've lied about horrible things, learning humility is a great teacher. I was recently raped after being celibate for almost 3 years. I like wine, maybe a little too much. I've been addicted to drugs. I was sexually abused almost my entire childhood. I yell A LOT at my kids. I recently lost everything, my house, my car, the guy I loved for a long time. My son is special needs, and terrorizes me and breaks things on an almost daily basis, and I have ZERO patience. I used to be a drug dealer. I'm nowhere close to where I think I should be in life. And I feel lonely every day. And the lonely to me is the worst part. And I HATE the expression "God's perfect timing" because honestly I want what I want, and I want it now.

I'm Melissa, and I'm a Christian. I am a constant mess. I refer to myself as a Christian, but I have a very grandiose view if religion. To me everyone is right, and everyone is wrong. I think of religion like this. A room stacked ceiling high with stuff. With one person in in each corner that can't move. They can only see what is directly in front of them. Now they have zero idea what's in front of everyone else, so they think everyone else is wrong. But everyone is right, and everyone is wrong. 

I love being a Christian, because Christ was a martyr for love. And if there is something I know the world needs, it's exactly that. Unconditional Love. To paraphrase the bible, it breaks down to two main rules. Love God, love your neighbors as he loves you. That means unconditionally. Those are two really simple rules. In Christianity, we are the church. It's not a building as most people think it is. It's us. 

I've been a vagabond for most of my life. (Wanderer) Bouncing from one church to the next looking for my home. And in such, I've had the pleasure of meeting so many wonderful people that have really changed my life for the better. The same though, I've met a lot of people who scared me from going back to those churches. Pastors, members of the congregation. My heart often misses a lot of the wonderful people I've met in those places when I stopped going, but I find it so hard to be able to worship next to people who spout all these what I believe "antichrist" ideas all over their facebook pages. They support hardcore immigration laws. (forgetting in the beginning we were once immigrants and even Christ said to welcome them for we were once foreigners in the land, or that we are to love our neighbors, (to me that has always meant all of them, he never specified different)) 

Nearly a year ago I went to check out the church I attend now. SomaCity. At first, it seemed a little quiet, I grew up in a Pentecostal and Baptists church. If you've never attended one, we are the crazy ones that shout and scream, and feel the Holy Spirit and run up and down Isles. I love to praise. But I gave it another chance, and then another. And I kept going. (Now I still will get my loud Amen's in, as well as Preach, and Hallelujahs) After the first time I went, not only (I really think this is cool) did I go to the welcome center, get a free t shirt, (I love t shirts!!??) but I got an email because they actually reached out immediately and invited me to lunch. They do it for everyone once a month. They just wanted to introduce themselves, and buy you food, and explain how they started and who they were. I was all like.. free Mongolian BBQ?
Sure, I'm in. 

Now this church was different from the beginning. I didn't show up to a church building. I showed up to the Franklin Park Mall movie cinemas. Strange right? But not strange in a bad way, just different. And one of the first services I attended was around thanksgiving. They had a message, which is one of their core values, that GENEROSITY IS NORMAL. 

Now, most people talk about the greed of the church. I've seen it firsthand. I've been to churches where they line you up for tithes. Calling you a snake if you don't give God what's his. Passing around the collection plates, and you notice when people do and do not put money in there. There is a stigma of judgment there that I know most people have and hate. Always talking about if money is evil why do churches ask for it? In this sermon, the church showed all the things and charities where money was going. There wasn't a collection plate. We have "treasure boxes" You can put money in there if that's what you choose, but it's between you and God. And they're just boxes located a couple of places so if you choose to, it's not a public spectacle. The money in there, is allocated outside of our church as well. One of the charities they donated to was Cherry St Mission. I myself on my own spent a lot of time volunteering there, not only directly, but taking my kids to feed the homeless every thanksgiving. I don't agree with everything Cherry St. does, but they do reach a lot of people. Soma showed 3 other missions we sponsor, and the places and the work they do, things I really loved already. So I kept going. It was a core value I wholeheartedly believe a church should be doing.

One of the biggest things I had been searching for in a church was a church doing what I think the purpose of the church is. Being the hands and feet of Christ. Embracing what Christ was and loving anyone and everyone outside of the walls of the church. I always thought a church who only loved within their walls was to be frank disgusting. 

Another reason people hate sitting in church besides their fear of judgment, is how boring it is to listen to the same "tired" stories out of duty. We listen because we have to, like a job requirement on Sunday mornings. Not at SomaCity. You will not fall asleep. My pastors make fun of themselves. They are honest to a fault. They're nothing close to being self-riotous. You will laugh, a lot. In out last service we discussed the woman at the well. The Samaritan woman. Sammy, one of our pastors, named her Lindsey because she didn't have a name in the bible. Then broke it down to a way that was not only hilarious, but understandable to a generation with a short attention span. He keeps you on your toes with laughter. Like Lindsey was talking to Jesus, and said she didn't have a husband... And Jesus, was all like girl, I know you don't have a husband, I'm talking about the man you aren't married to your living with, but you have had 5 husbands and I know all your business girl... Then Lindsey went running door to door telling everyone and how it leads to a 2 day revival. Then he explained how your story doesn't have to be pretty. Lindsey was likely a hot mess, but that had no bearing on Jesus using her to reach other people. He can use us, in all of our hot mess lives to do the same. 

This is what Christ has always embodied to me. You won't walk into a sermon at my church damning homosexuals to hell. You won't listen to a white privileged man talk about immigration laws and keeping people from coming through the borders. You will never hear a message of hate inside our gatherings. Something that to this day I see leaders of other churches posting on their facebook pages. And it breaks my heart. 

What you will hear is, Generosity Is Normal. And that's not a plea to give our church money, but not to be afraid to give the homeless guy on the corner money, or help someone carry their groceries to their car. It's any and everything you can do, not even revolving around money, or church, but to show the rest of the world kindness. To be forgiving, and giving. We are our brother's keepers.

If you ever walk into SomaCity (I highly recommend you do regardless of religious beliefs) You will hear honesty. Last week (and this is one of my favorite things) I listened to my pastor explain that if you think you and your significant other fight, he would be able to go toe to toe with you with his wife. They go to counseling, he needs a life coach. He struggles to read the bible. You will hear a man, who is not only funny, but earnestly willing to admit he's not perfect because he stands in front of us. But more so than that, he needs to be real with us, because everyone has a story, and maybe instead of sugarcoating those stories, that in doing that scares people away. That we need to start being honest about our struggles, with faith, with life, with addiction, with immorality, because (and I've known this line for so long and it's always on the surface of my beliefs, so when he brought it up it was a big Amen from me) 

THE CHURCH IS NOT A COLLEGE YOU GO TO AND HAVE TO BE ACCEPTED, IT IS A HOSPITAL WHERE YOU GO TO BE HEALED. The world expects Christians to be "perfect" we have a view cast onto us that we are always kind, we never struggle, we love God so that must mean we all have it together, that he blesses us beyond measure. And that shadow is killing the church. It scares people away. Even more so, never ever, not once, did God use the riotous to lead the strong. He always hung out with the outcasts, the sinners, the weak, the afraid. So we as a collective need to break down our walls and start being real. Just because we love Christ does not mean we have our shit together. (I curse like a sailor and struggle every single day with absolutely any and everything you imagine) 

We throw block parties. Parties at the college campus. Not just so you know who we are, but so we can just love on our city. One of our core values is, WE LOVE OUR CITY. We don't care who you are or what you're going through, if you're Christian, or Muslim, or homeless, or rich, or gay, or a single mom living out of your car, my church wants to know you. We want to hug you. We want to listen to your story. 

I knew Soma was my home because I have a tendency to go astray. And while I attended churches for years sometimes, no one ever came looking for me. Not a phone call or a text. And that's not to say these weren't good churches, they just weren't my home. I equate it to if you don't come home at night, your family is going to notice. They are sending out search parties. They worry about you. A few months ago I did this. I was going through a lot in life and I stopped going. I got a text. Hey we miss you, haven't seen you, is everything okay? I explained what was going on, I didn't have a car anymore. She asked if she could come over later in the week, just talk and have some coffee... (I have social anxiety, and agreed to it anyway) And she did come. She brought me iced coffee, and a bouquet of flowers and gave me a hug. And she talked with me for hours. Even though she had noticed I was gone, she took the time to come find me, and on top of that made arrangements that if I needed a ride, my church, my home, would get me an Uber every Sunday back and forth home. (I live a 35 minutes away???!) 

They didn't care, they cared I was a part of their family and they were there to be just that. And I knew I was home. It was the one thing all the other churches I had loved too, hadn't done yet. It wasn't the fact the offered me a way, it was the fact they loved me enough to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and left the 99 to look for the lost from the flock. 

So, If you are unsure about church, or denominations, and you maybe find yourself searching for something you feel is missing in life. If you feel lost. If you're not perfect, and don't want to be overwhelmed with "perfect" people, or judgmental people. Or greedy people. If you just want a place to have a good laugh, and to fill your cup. Our doors are always open. We offer coffee, maybe some snacks. And a lot of hugs. We have childcare for all ages. We are ready with open hearts to genuinely be there for you, regardless of anything. We don't care what religion you are, or even if you're atheist. Heck if you just have nothing better to do and just want the free coffee.... Or if you are like me and struggle with absolutely everything in life... (you can sit next to me too if you're afraid ;) )

We meet at the Franklin Park Mall every Sunday at 9:30. And even if you aren't ready for that, I will be happy to answer any questions you have. We also have a ministry app if you want to listen to a few sermons to make sure I'm not making all this up. It's Soma City on the play store. Black box White writing. @Soma City Church or click the thingy i just tagged them in and check out our facebook page

But also, if you just need someone to talk to because you do struggle like me, and you don't want to check out my home church where we meet, I am here. I can just be here for you. And you don't ever have to check my church out. I will love whoever you are no matter the hot mess.

The Tom Catfish doesn't know when to stop

I'm angry and I don't think he has any idea on why. I don't think he understands the principles of basic emotions. Or science. For every action there is an opposite equal or greater reaction. It's simple.

At this point, and trying to avoid phone calls at 6 am from a man who thinks he's in love with me... I've made my demands very clear.

See, I was not the only person affected by his actions. The real Tom didn't ask for any of this, and while he's had limited exposure to the entire situation, it's was his name that was stolen. And sometimes in life, especially in my case, our names are all we have. It's the foundation of our being.

I involved the real Tom's family. I went off on real Tom. Things to go along and match the already embarrassing situation I'm in. So I demand honesty. I demanded apologies. I demand the whole truth nothing but the truth so help us God. Until then, I have zero reason (actually had plenty of negative reasons not to) to continue to speak with him. So for your viewing pleasure. A list of my demands.

Dear Uterus

It feels as if though it's are trying to escape. Pressure that feels like it's either going to explode, or an alien baby is going to emerge out of it. Which if that actually does happen it may be cooler than just sitting here in pain. I might be hospital bound.

I'll pay someone willing to cut my uterus out cheaply $20. Someone come do it. I'm so serious.

Romeo and Juliet, getting drunk and eating percocets

My brain hurts most days. I just went and bought some beer form the store and it's warm. Disgusting. Can we talk about we are persecuting a victim while actually considering letting a fucking possible rapist into the supreme court? Jesus Christ man. This is the exact reason women don't report crimes.

I was raped around 5 months ago. I didn't report it. My friends and family found out after I started hyperventilating and couldn't sleep anymore. Someone asked me why I didn't report it.  

I was dating this guy for 2 months. I had just like many times before invited him over to my house. To snuggle and lay in my bed and watch some Netflix. I'm a recovering sex addict. What does it look like at 33 years old, to explain that situation? So I didn't. I internalized it. It ate me alive. But in a system where women are repeatedly told we bring rape upon ourselves, how the fuck are we supposed t be honest? I took it upon myself to take all his dick pics and post them on my facebook. Well at least all of the ones of him at his job in his uniform taking pics in the community office. Tagged his job in it. Nothing happened to him. I know because he works at Dave n Busters, and my friend Rebecca went in the other day and told me she ran into him. Called him out about raping me. He gave her a bunch of free games. Asked how I was. 

The worst part of the rape was having to drive this guy home afterwards. Listening to him apologize as he watched me cry. As if that made it all better. I waited 3 years as a recovering sex addict to even try to date someone and two months after I had this was what I dealt with. Yay. 

He did this not even a week after I found out I had cancer again. 

Again because I was first diagnosed at the ripe age of 19. It was removable. And again at 21. It was again removable. It stayed away for a while. I waited to go to the doctors this time. I knew it was back around 2 years ago. I remember one of the last pap smears I went to the doctor engaged the device into my vagina, looked down and with a look of horror on his face when he looked up at me and asked exactly how many procedures had I had done?

All together? Including biopsies? leaps? removals? I lost count. Enough that I avoided the doctor like the plague. I couldn't afford insurance anyways #thisisamerica So at first, even though familiar, the pain was minor. Now two years later being diagnosed almost 5 months ago, Everyday waking up feels like my uterus is trying to weigh itself down and force it's way out of my vagina. Fun right? An intense pressure I am now trying to drink away. I made an appointment today. It's kinda unbearable. At this point I'm breaking down and keeling over at my job. Crying hysterically. My Nana begging me to go to the hospital. I can't afford that shit. Dying would be cheaper.

Cancer fucking sucks. I know it's to the point there really isn't much left for them to cut away. While I was talking to my friend Nicole last night her response was I'm sorry I know you wanted more kids. Not really? Yes when I smell babies my uterus works with the biological clock screaming at me to implant, but realistically I have have 6 years left til I ship my daughter off to medical school, leave my son to hack the planet and I'm free. I hope at this point they realize with every lesson I've taught them that I am not a safety net. Once you are 18 you are on your own My job is not to coddle you, but prepare you for such future. There are 7.6 billion people in the world. Life is not fair. They do not owe you anything. They do not care if you fail or succeed. Everyone is out for themselves. Where as my job is to prepare them, my ultimate goal is to make sure, I am not releasing another asshole selfish fuck upon the world. I am raising humanitarians. That kind of success is not optional. We have one planet. People will come and go... The Earth is what needs to be cared for. There are enough selfish, greedy, people in the world, and I am not raising a contribution to that. 

My daughter has wanted to be a cardiac or brain surgeon for the last 4 years. Hopefully I can channel my son' strong will to eliminate national debt. Then we can be freed as people to not work our lives away to buy back the products we make for someone else to get the money.  My daughter working with doctors without borders. So I'm not that upset I can't have any more kids. I'm working my damn hardest to raise the two i have correctly and this is never easy. But I'm doing the best I can.

I wonder sometimes though if I care so much about being the love in the world and wanting to do so much about everything because of the lack of care I received growing up. As I stood over my son doing his homework today as he grumbled, and disrespected me, and pissed and moaned, I reminded his my own mother never cared about anything but dick and making sure the dishes were done by the time she came home from work. Funny enough, as a teacher, never not once sat with me to do my homework. Try explaining that as teachers called you out your entire life. Sorry I didn't get my homework done, I was too busy cleaning so my mother could have a male visitor over who would likely abuse me.... Sorry I didn't do that long division. I wonder if I will, or at least I should say at least I fear, standing over my children and expecting greatness leaves me to worry that I am just raising more selfish entitled people to endure the world with. I pray I am not. That maybe I am exactly who I am because of how little the world cared about me. Quiet battles are usually the hardest to go through. 

Fuck my life.

I fucking hate Fake Tom

This after my evening is what I decided. I fucking hate this dude. You know I am in the habit of forgiving nearly every person in my life. Except fake cancer, and now Fake Tom.

I thought I would be fine. I thought, you know I really wish I could understand the way human beings operate the way I tried to understand The Naked Truth after William Buroughs wrote it. It was a two week drunken binge.. No one can understand it. No one can understand the way people work. I keep coming to this place of screaming at God why? WHY? WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BRING ME TO THIS IDIOTIC SITUATION??????????????????????????????????

I can't yell to the heavens enough. I drove through black skies to get to my friend Nicole's after work tonight. Tornado warning. I very obviously have a death wish. I even like to take my hands off the steering wheels and close my eyes when I drive sometimes. My death wish never comes true. Like the heavens mocking me repeatedly. I saw the spiral of clouds and had zero worry. I'm not brave I'm just stupid. Stupid for believing in humanity. Stupid for wanting to understand a hard human life. Stupid I kept trying to be love and embrace it. I'm stupid.

The more I tried to understand how a human could just lie and take advantage of another human being the more he feeds into these reasons why people just fucking suck actually. And now, now I'm pissed. I'm pissed I have some fake surreal life I will never live. I'm pissed there is zero reason for the real Tom to ever know me. To ever care. I'm pissed he has a hot talented girlfriend. I'm pissed I am just another faceless human in the sea of people to both real Tom and Fake Tom. I capitalize Fake because to me it's his real name.

I want to be in love with a funny, sexy, intelligent, man who wears checkered vans. Instead I'm again the butt of God's joke. I'm mad. And it's taken months to build up to this. You know at first, I had some misplaced anger with real Tom. He could of been nicer, but lets be legit, dudes under a fucking microscope. So I don't blame him for being less human that most. I'm sure in his real life with people he trusts he's a great guy. But Isaac..... Fucking Fake Tom Nigerian Isaac....


I literally just lost everything over a man. I wrote two words in a pit of despair and that was worth fucking with my head for months. As if my insides weren't rotting from the inside out from cancer. As if I wasn't already starting my fucking life over. As if I was a shitty human being???

I volunteer, I feed the homeless, I make food boxes for junkies and needy families. I'll give my last dollar to the guy on the street, I mentor urban youth because they have no adult in their life they can trust, I am a fucking Sunday school teacher. Granted I say Fuck a lot. I do know it's a lot. I didn't say I was perfect. But in the realm of being a decent human being, I absolutely do my best especially given my circumstances. And I don't want to boast on myself... give all credit to the universe because the crappier things got for me, the more I wanted to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

But I want to scream. I want to rip all my hair out and go Brittney 2007 crazy.

WHY? WHY THE FUCK DID GOD GIVE ME THIS SHITTY HEART THAT GETS WALKED ALL OVER AND WANTS TO BE NICE AND UNDERSTAND PEOPLE AND I DON'T GET ANY FUCKING ANSWERS????????????????????????????????


I want to be sedated. Someone please for the love of God and all things holy I'm begging you... Come give me a fucking lobotomy. It's one thing to be stupid and know you're stupid and then feel bad because the only thing you never want to amount to in life is being just another shitty human. But then knowing you're fucking retarded and not doing anything about it is completely different that having someone remove a part of your brain and then not knowing you're dumb. I would prefer that.

I'm looking down the barrel of a loaded gun and I want someone to pull the fucking trigger already.

I DO NOT LIKE BEING HUMAN ANYMORE.

For fucks sake.