God oh God

I'm fucking retarded. 1... still half drunk from last night. Uuuuuggghhhhhh. In my my defense, some guy was buying free fireball shots for everyone. I was already slamming double shots of Jack honey. And drinking margaritas? Why would I do such things? I don't actually have a real answer for that. My tea kettle is on. I took a xanex, hopefully I fall back asleep. I'm retarded. Not on the spectrum but perhaps I should look into that. Because it's a real possibility I am. 

2. I drunk messaged Tom last night. The real one, I vaguely  remember... I'm sure some incoherent nonsense I'm afraid to look at. My bad dude. I think if I remember correctly I said we could of been friends. I also kinda remember telling him I wear checkered vans????? Because at 33 that's definitely what the fuck matters in life. I think I blocked him too. Also a very Melissa thing to do. Get the last word in and don't let anyone else say anything??? Because in real life I have the mentality of a 7 year old. FML

3. Bar fights. First who the fuck hits on a girl with zero cleavage out??? I seriously asked the bartender if I even look approachable? She said yes.. I asked how? I show up in my pajamas. I'm wearing a shirt, and I swear, honestly, I have zero idea where in came from in my life. It just appeared one day. It says something about bacon on it. Black long sleeves, the writing is on the back. And my favorite grey leggings. WTF? Now normally I go to the bar especially on the weekends, and hide in the corner because they're busy. Everyone leaves me alone. But it wasn't actually that busy. Not that I look to see what patrons are what... I came in, the rail was open, I rather like the bartenders. I sit down, almost immediately start getting hit on by randos. That's when I ask Jen the bartender why I look approachable. I mean seriously, some dude called me Renee, and for the first three minutes I played along. It was just another asshole moment brought to you by Melissa. 

 He kept calling me with it and I was like I'm Renee. This guy puts his arms around me and hugs me, and in that instant I knew I shouldn't of played along. No dude, you're actually touching me, stop. Please Stop. I told him my name wasn't Renee and he argued with me until I showed him my ID.  But I did go to school with the kid, and let him know he remembered me from there. He was still excited he knew me. Then more followed. 

If you know me.... I don't talk to other locals. Everyone in the I'll say 3 small towns adjoining all went to the same school and fuck everyone from the same school. Apparently I'm hot enough for them now as if I didn't remember being the really weird girl in high school. I was. I'm still okay with it. I guess they're past that. Nope, not me Still the really weird girl. Please leave me alone.

My free time includes getting drunk alone and sleeping on the beach. Writing in a blog. And now we can add drunkenly harassing Tom. Drunken embarrassing myself was always on the list. But now we're throwing celebrities in there???

So back to the fight. Dudes last name is Bumgardner. He's been around since I can remember. He could be a traveler though because he looks exactly the same as when I was a kid. We live in a 1.3 mile long beach town. Everyone knows everyone. He made some retarded joke at me. I don't think he cared for my witty comeback. No one usually does. Whatever. So he starts getting irate. Then because we live in a small town and rumors spread like wildfire, even if they're true. He starts talking about his friend, his very good guy friend who molested me for most of my childhood when he lived in my house growing up. 

Now, I can deal with a lot in life. I do mean a lot. I try to be graceful (fail miserably) and kind (I do okay there) But one thing I can't do... is stick up for pedophilia. Sorry, I work with kids, not really in my array of talents there. So as this guy is belligerently yelling across the bar on what a nice guy his friend is, (there is a large group of people between us, including 3 out of the 5 people who just hit on me) I yelled back???

And when I did, it was something a long the lines of (I'm lying this is exactly what it was) YEAH, HE WAS REALLY A GREAT GUY WHEN HE WAS SHOVING HIS DICK DOWN MY THROAT WHEN I WAS 6. FUCK YOU BUMGARDNER. 

In my own defense.. I didn't say it because I was drunk, I said it because it was true?

Which then obviously led to a screaming match where everyone heard. And the bartender Jack came and tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I was cool. I had to apologize to him. And completely look away and order another drink and ask to cash out. 

Men get so butthurt. (side note, I just actually added butthurt to the laptop dictionary) And I am not a person to deal with anyone's shit well. I used to. I used to be a fucking doormat. And I would fantasize about going out with a bang. And one day, like magically over night, I got tired of fantasizing about things. So I went out with a bang. It only started this year. Right before the rape. 

I had this super douche bag manager at Dave & Busters, which is a horrible place to work anyways, (also serving ranch is a complete waste of my time because I'm licensed to work with kids in school) and I walked out about two hours after my shift started and posted a note on the server page.

I'm really proud of that actually. 

Frank is the biggest ball sucking muther fucker I've ever met, and his cum guzzling whore of a mother should have swallowed that load. I've never had the pleasure of meeting a bigger bitch in my entire life, Eric you're cool, Josh you're cool, but Frank, FUCK YOU. And just so you servers know, there are plenty of places that will treat you with respect and you will you will make twice the money in half the time and deal with zero of the bullshit.

And that was my parting gift. And honestly, it felt fantastic. So in that moment I decided to stop being docile because it was always a stirring in my soul to go out with a bang. Bucket list shit. I hated that job. Not to say I wasn't an asshole before I just bit my tongue for the most part. This people is why I need Jesus. 

I stormed in my house drunk as fuck at 1 am. My Nana was still up. I told her the gist of what happened as I'm parading around my house grabbing blankets. I remember her saying "Oh No" and I went and slept on the beach. My happy place. 

I think I woke up around 4 am and came in the house. When I just woke up I found most of my belongings outside. That happens when you're me. At least I didn't loose them.

And that ladies and gentleman was my evening. 

And on a lighter note, the one guy who I wanted to hit on me at work, I think may have... and he was grateful for my jukebox selections and tried to talk to me. Apparently I can compile 3 word sentences when I'm nervous. The best whole sentence I got out was while he was just talking happily to anyone who would listen and was like even though this isn't NIN I'm happy about whoever played this. (he did know it was me because my friend Ashley was sitting next to him and we discussed my selection) And as I'm cleaning behind him and he says this, I just say, It's because closer isn't an option on the jukebox so I went with the Arctic Monkeys. 

He turned around and was I'm so glad someone here knows about music and has good taste.   

Melissa awkward moment *says thanks and runs away.