I fucking hate Fake Tom

This after my evening is what I decided. I fucking hate this dude. You know I am in the habit of forgiving nearly every person in my life. Except fake cancer, and now Fake Tom.

I thought I would be fine. I thought, you know I really wish I could understand the way human beings operate the way I tried to understand The Naked Truth after William Buroughs wrote it. It was a two week drunken binge.. No one can understand it. No one can understand the way people work. I keep coming to this place of screaming at God why? WHY? WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BRING ME TO THIS IDIOTIC SITUATION??????????????????????????????????

I can't yell to the heavens enough. I drove through black skies to get to my friend Nicole's after work tonight. Tornado warning. I very obviously have a death wish. I even like to take my hands off the steering wheels and close my eyes when I drive sometimes. My death wish never comes true. Like the heavens mocking me repeatedly. I saw the spiral of clouds and had zero worry. I'm not brave I'm just stupid. Stupid for believing in humanity. Stupid for wanting to understand a hard human life. Stupid I kept trying to be love and embrace it. I'm stupid.

The more I tried to understand how a human could just lie and take advantage of another human being the more he feeds into these reasons why people just fucking suck actually. And now, now I'm pissed. I'm pissed I have some fake surreal life I will never live. I'm pissed there is zero reason for the real Tom to ever know me. To ever care. I'm pissed he has a hot talented girlfriend. I'm pissed I am just another faceless human in the sea of people to both real Tom and Fake Tom. I capitalize Fake because to me it's his real name.

I want to be in love with a funny, sexy, intelligent, man who wears checkered vans. Instead I'm again the butt of God's joke. I'm mad. And it's taken months to build up to this. You know at first, I had some misplaced anger with real Tom. He could of been nicer, but lets be legit, dudes under a fucking microscope. So I don't blame him for being less human that most. I'm sure in his real life with people he trusts he's a great guy. But Isaac..... Fucking Fake Tom Nigerian Isaac....


I literally just lost everything over a man. I wrote two words in a pit of despair and that was worth fucking with my head for months. As if my insides weren't rotting from the inside out from cancer. As if I wasn't already starting my fucking life over. As if I was a shitty human being???

I volunteer, I feed the homeless, I make food boxes for junkies and needy families. I'll give my last dollar to the guy on the street, I mentor urban youth because they have no adult in their life they can trust, I am a fucking Sunday school teacher. Granted I say Fuck a lot. I do know it's a lot. I didn't say I was perfect. But in the realm of being a decent human being, I absolutely do my best especially given my circumstances. And I don't want to boast on myself... give all credit to the universe because the crappier things got for me, the more I wanted to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

But I want to scream. I want to rip all my hair out and go Brittney 2007 crazy.

WHY? WHY THE FUCK DID GOD GIVE ME THIS SHITTY HEART THAT GETS WALKED ALL OVER AND WANTS TO BE NICE AND UNDERSTAND PEOPLE AND I DON'T GET ANY FUCKING ANSWERS????????????????????????????????


I want to be sedated. Someone please for the love of God and all things holy I'm begging you... Come give me a fucking lobotomy. It's one thing to be stupid and know you're stupid and then feel bad because the only thing you never want to amount to in life is being just another shitty human. But then knowing you're fucking retarded and not doing anything about it is completely different that having someone remove a part of your brain and then not knowing you're dumb. I would prefer that.

I'm looking down the barrel of a loaded gun and I want someone to pull the fucking trigger already.

I DO NOT LIKE BEING HUMAN ANYMORE.

For fucks sake.