Douche.. capital D.

Once a Douche bag always a Douche bag. I try to be cool. I tried communication. I feel stupid as is for allowing myself to be venerable to him and opening up. But I think mostly I have a right to be bitter.

In general over the course of the entire situation. And mostly I can love people from a far. I love everyone. But I wish you the best, dueces. And I'm good. Nostalgia gets the best of me occasionally and thus this situation. But he's done shitty things to me as a human in general. I try to be a good human. A kind human. A thinking of more than myself human.

And he's almost 42 with a smaller penis. And a big dick attitude. He's a jerk. And I remembered all the fun times and I love to have fun??? This fucker not only has to get weird, and mean... in public again. I dunno. Fuck him. Just fuck him.

Reasons to stay alone: Men don't grow up they grow worse. And I like to have fun. And most are not fun at all. Most are lazy, babies without pampers, instead they have supersized fragile egos they take out on everyone.

Clearly... And I do mean abundantly clearly ... Ed is not for me. Duh.

Today my sister sent me a screenshot of him liking her fb status. A picture that says. "Don't have sex with your coworkers" .... he was the first person to like it. She died laughing.

How childish?.. I promise that was intentional so I would see it. He is that petty. And I just don't get it. I was going to say I didn't do anything to him but i did go off on him this time. I did try to make amends after the fact for work sake but he just ignored me so.. What the fuck ever.

Mostly I'm finna smoke some weed and I don't give a fuck. It was a thing, it's not,  it's cool. Whatever. But everything in me wanted to comment on it and say...

Especially if they have little dicks.

But I didn't. I can vent here way better option. Like how can you keep walking around with so much ugly?? I'm sure we will encounter one another at work. I plan on going about my business as I always have. That's it. Nothing more nothing less.

But just ggggrrrrrr today. I'm not mad he's a douche. I'm mad I gave such a fucking douche the time of day. Like why try and see passed his red flags.

And not that it's very nice but I ain't tripping cause I ain't a part of his life. Like 100% the whole scenario is fucked. He's in love with his roommates chic and vise versa. And that's crazy fucking drama. No thanks. I have fun but I'm quiet at home. That's where you go for rest. All that tension. All those uneasy unhealthy vibes. I'm good... hard no for me.

Tripping. Dudes be fucking tripping. 

Throw the whole damn internet away

Ironically titled as I use the internet to bitch about it. I'm thankful for all the things I'm able to read with such ease. I should read more actual books. Th feel the pages slide inbetween my fingertips. The smell of them. The not illuminated by light but by thought beautiful pages.

I suppose it can too go on the list of why I hate it. Not reading enough real books. No real people to be in contact with. No adventures. The swell of my imagination wasted on porn and trolling. I couldn't work for 3 months. What the hell else do you do with a broken leg? Nothing... just the fucking internet. Now I'm fucking sick of it.

No Ed at work today. I'm grateful. I'm crossing my fingers it will be the same for the next two weeks. And maybe forever. Someone did ask me about him.. a couple times. I just told them I hadn't talked to him or seen him in a month or so. So I had no clue how or where he was. Glad to be back to work in general though.

But I do hate the fucking internet. This shit is driving me mad. I'm still a little gloomy I don't have friends but there's been a couple of people lately that have surprised me. That's nice too.

I need to get out more. Car. Besides surviving ... #1.

Fucking Tequila

I've not done shit today. I drank a 5th of tequila last night and blacked out. I was at least at home and amusing for the most part. My sister has a video of me crying from laughing so hard listening to Vanilla Ice. This is after I demand she plays me The Beastie Boys.

I thankfully had got so drunk I didnt call or text anyone after the blackout kicked in. I did text Sam when I just started but he was at work.

Knowing I want to be single forever though, I am interested in finding a mostly singular sex partner. Who is cool with just being used for sex. Who can keep up with my sex drive. That'd be cool.

My boss finally called today and booked me for a 2 week job. Fucking yes. I'm hoping though Ed didnt book the same job and I don't have to work in sub degree weather with an awkward angst between the two of us. Even worse though after all that's happened this fucker still watches my fb stories sometimes and that's weird asf. And I'm not turning down dollars for nothing. Especially a guaranteed 2 week check? I need all that bread. But there's a good chance he didn't because I'm going in for carpentry. Has a rigger and if we're building for 2 weeks I imagine they aren't hanging motors everyday too.

I'm hoping not to see any of them actually. Making money, no extra anxiety... yes Lord, that would be bomb ass.

Fuck Unicorns

I need to find better things to do besides masturbate and chain smoke. My imagination is now my downfall. Eluding responsibility like a master craft. I am the sword in the stone. Stuck. So much potential greatness waiting on the right thing to be worthy enough of my illumination. But stuck none the less.

There's been no real life updates on here lately so here we go. My nana has lost her mind and the dementia is changing her. We got into an argument that lead to her physically attacking me with the help of my two kids, and she fell. We've moved. Well sorta, see she doesn't want me back and most of my belongings are there so she's been letting the kids come back once a week and grab little by little and visit our dogs. Meanwhile I'm in exile and my staying at my mother's. Imagine dirty hoarder in the hood. There are 9 of us here now.

Her, myself, my two, my sister's 4, and my sister. A crazy husky foxy knoxy. 5 cats. So much untreated mental illness it makes homeless schizophrenics look like saints, and no real running water just a slow stream, and the furnace is currently broke. So... no hot showers on the daily. Traveling for that. And not a friend in sight. Not booking any jobs at work, and no car. Bobby isn't currently allowed to talk to me over one of his chics, and Nicole has not once checked up on me. No 2 seconds to see if I'm ok. Melissa is caught in her own life, and I try not to be abrasive considering you know her whole life is falling apart too. But

This severe attitude change coming in from my nana in the first place because she didn't like Ed, who I wasn't seeing in the first place. Just hanging out having fun. And the backlash of extreme ridiculousness from that has rendered me here.

There is always someway, somehow an extreme discord that comes privy in my life when the two of us cross paths. He has this serene nature that tilts to include a raging tsunami. From him fucking hookers at my brothers bachelor party in a full blown hulk attack of jealousy and ruining my birthday,  to me getting robbed of his drugs at gunpoint and him exploding in yet another drunken jealous temper tantrum.. at my mother's in front of my friend a week later. To the current.. him in an i like you when I don't want to like someone, and I'm geeked like a fat kid with cake I have someone who will shenanigan with me and makesout and then he switches up on me randomly and completely ghosts me, wont speak to me, and if I ever book a job again where im working, I'll have to be in the company of. 

So I'm applying endlessly for new jobs. Waiting on taxes and buying a car. Contemplating the shuttle bus conversion and taking the kids on the road. I have to get my insurance switched over. I have to find a place. The sooner the better. I'm a hot mess of a female but I'm a clean one. I need daily showers and long hot ones at that. I need our lives, the back to quiet ass life. I need my dogs.

And now that I know that I know that I know that I know that I don't want to be with anyone, I'm not going to be wasting my time perpetually failing at finding a decent partner 🤣 that time can be better spent on me. My life.

As soon as I defeat my imagination.

Gravity stay the hell away from me.

I need to try harder to get out of this place mentally. If I can conquer it mentally the physicality of it will change too. I feel like my life has kind of always been under a sort of gravity blanket. A heaviness I wear and it's that I pretend it's not there, but I try not to let it weigh me down. An aloofness. And so much has happened recently and I have the harsh truth that when you're down and out, very few people are there for you.

Case in point: My friends.... I don't know where they are. I'm so ride or die for anyone in my life and I'm such a fixer for them, and when I need that... nothing. And maybe that's part of growing old. That or maybe it's just the otherwise seemingly awesome people in my life. My ego is a little bruised from it.

But it's also given me a truth. That if I'm already alone, what am I staying for? I've been looking into bus conversions. Like getting a shuttle bus and turning it into a tiny cute little traveling apartment for the kids, dogs and I. It will be tight but we can go hiking and see everything. Mobile hotspot for school. And we'll all be together, stuck, but they won't have the influences of others breaking them down. Just us. Magic.

I've always dreamed it would come later and it still might have to. But, I think this could be really good for us.

I think it's a step in the direction of not letting these plagues and curses eat me alive for life. And before I had them I promised them good. They need and deserve to see the world too.

I don't want them to live under this gravity blanket.

Rawr I'm a bored dinosaur

No weed. I think I'm getting sick. My stomach kinda hurts and I haven't done shit all day. Bobby told me his chic says he cant be my friend and I didn't sleep last night.

I'm going a little crazy. And I hope it doesn't last.

R&R&R 🕉

I have an irking in my soul today. It usually doesn't get the better of me, but alas, today it has.

If I had to guess it's because of connected energy vibrations and I can feel him thinking about me which is weird after the way he ended things anyways. I don't go out of my way to think about him. There's a seemingly endless trail of disappointment that comes attached with having him anywhere near my life. So honestly, I just smoke a bunch of weed and let go of the shit that happened between us.

But I can't do a good job of ignoring him and his life if he's going to think about me to the depths of me feeling his thinking. I hate empathy sometimes.

And when I do come to the occasional passing of thought of our times I don't hold on to it, I try to allow and release.

I think the part that really bothers me is this, I'm overwhelming, I get it, but I put up with a lot of retarded shit, off and on for a dumb ass amount of time. And I really didn't want to be with him. Maybe some romps in the hay and fun times, have someone who was fucking fun to escape my house and actually do shit... bonus: good making out? Heavy petting??? Duh.

He was a great guy but ... I. Don't. Want. To. Settle. Down.   ... and I know I get older, and thankfully wiser. But in that itself makes me know that life is short, and I don't think I'm going to grow up ever. Not in the sense that everyone wants. I want to grow old on a commune.

So I keep coming to this place where I'm trying to ask the universe why this person has played so many roles in my life. Try to grasp the bigger picture. He's a fascinating character in my story for sure, but in general, I'm back to being bitter about ever have a feeling about him in the first place. Like even considering him a friend. I think that part actually is what bothers me the most.

When we originally started talking again I was just trying to mend old wounds. And he helped do that and some. And then i remembered how fun he was and just wanted to be his friend... And like Zorro with vengeance he came back into my life and hurt me more. And... I've never not been honest with the dude... always kept it real, always let him be him...

He couldn't ever, in any way ever, handle me.

How the fuck did our fates intertwine?

So I'm irked today.