I need to find better things to do besides masturbate and chain smoke. My imagination is now my downfall. Eluding responsibility like a master craft. I am the sword in the stone. Stuck. So much potential greatness waiting on the right thing to be worthy enough of my illumination. But stuck none the less.
There's been no real life updates on here lately so here we go. My nana has lost her mind and the dementia is changing her. We got into an argument that lead to her physically attacking me with the help of my two kids, and she fell. We've moved. Well sorta, see she doesn't want me back and most of my belongings are there so she's been letting the kids come back once a week and grab little by little and visit our dogs. Meanwhile I'm in exile and my staying at my mother's. Imagine dirty hoarder in the hood. There are 9 of us here now.
Her, myself, my two, my sister's 4, and my sister. A crazy husky foxy knoxy. 5 cats. So much untreated mental illness it makes homeless schizophrenics look like saints, and no real running water just a slow stream, and the furnace is currently broke. So... no hot showers on the daily. Traveling for that. And not a friend in sight. Not booking any jobs at work, and no car. Bobby isn't currently allowed to talk to me over one of his chics, and Nicole has not once checked up on me. No 2 seconds to see if I'm ok. Melissa is caught in her own life, and I try not to be abrasive considering you know her whole life is falling apart too. But
This severe attitude change coming in from my nana in the first place because she didn't like Ed, who I wasn't seeing in the first place. Just hanging out having fun. And the backlash of extreme ridiculousness from that has rendered me here.
There is always someway, somehow an extreme discord that comes privy in my life when the two of us cross paths. He has this serene nature that tilts to include a raging tsunami. From him fucking hookers at my brothers bachelor party in a full blown hulk attack of jealousy and ruining my birthday, to me getting robbed of his drugs at gunpoint and him exploding in yet another drunken jealous temper tantrum.. at my mother's in front of my friend a week later. To the current.. him in an i like you when I don't want to like someone, and I'm geeked like a fat kid with cake I have someone who will shenanigan with me and makesout and then he switches up on me randomly and completely ghosts me, wont speak to me, and if I ever book a job again where im working, I'll have to be in the company of.
So I'm applying endlessly for new jobs. Waiting on taxes and buying a car. Contemplating the shuttle bus conversion and taking the kids on the road. I have to get my insurance switched over. I have to find a place. The sooner the better. I'm a hot mess of a female but I'm a clean one. I need daily showers and long hot ones at that. I need our lives, the back to quiet ass life. I need my dogs.
And now that I know that I know that I know that I know that I don't want to be with anyone, I'm not going to be wasting my time perpetually failing at finding a decent partner 🤣 that time can be better spent on me. My life.
As soon as I defeat my imagination.
No comments:
Post a Comment