R&R&R 🕉

I have an irking in my soul today. It usually doesn't get the better of me, but alas, today it has.

If I had to guess it's because of connected energy vibrations and I can feel him thinking about me which is weird after the way he ended things anyways. I don't go out of my way to think about him. There's a seemingly endless trail of disappointment that comes attached with having him anywhere near my life. So honestly, I just smoke a bunch of weed and let go of the shit that happened between us.

But I can't do a good job of ignoring him and his life if he's going to think about me to the depths of me feeling his thinking. I hate empathy sometimes.

And when I do come to the occasional passing of thought of our times I don't hold on to it, I try to allow and release.

I think the part that really bothers me is this, I'm overwhelming, I get it, but I put up with a lot of retarded shit, off and on for a dumb ass amount of time. And I really didn't want to be with him. Maybe some romps in the hay and fun times, have someone who was fucking fun to escape my house and actually do shit... bonus: good making out? Heavy petting??? Duh.

He was a great guy but ... I. Don't. Want. To. Settle. Down.   ... and I know I get older, and thankfully wiser. But in that itself makes me know that life is short, and I don't think I'm going to grow up ever. Not in the sense that everyone wants. I want to grow old on a commune.

So I keep coming to this place where I'm trying to ask the universe why this person has played so many roles in my life. Try to grasp the bigger picture. He's a fascinating character in my story for sure, but in general, I'm back to being bitter about ever have a feeling about him in the first place. Like even considering him a friend. I think that part actually is what bothers me the most.

When we originally started talking again I was just trying to mend old wounds. And he helped do that and some. And then i remembered how fun he was and just wanted to be his friend... And like Zorro with vengeance he came back into my life and hurt me more. And... I've never not been honest with the dude... always kept it real, always let him be him...

He couldn't ever, in any way ever, handle me.

How the fuck did our fates intertwine?

So I'm irked today.