I need to try harder to get out of this place mentally. If I can conquer it mentally the physicality of it will change too. I feel like my life has kind of always been under a sort of gravity blanket. A heaviness I wear and it's that I pretend it's not there, but I try not to let it weigh me down. An aloofness. And so much has happened recently and I have the harsh truth that when you're down and out, very few people are there for you.
Case in point: My friends.... I don't know where they are. I'm so ride or die for anyone in my life and I'm such a fixer for them, and when I need that... nothing. And maybe that's part of growing old. That or maybe it's just the otherwise seemingly awesome people in my life. My ego is a little bruised from it.
But it's also given me a truth. That if I'm already alone, what am I staying for? I've been looking into bus conversions. Like getting a shuttle bus and turning it into a tiny cute little traveling apartment for the kids, dogs and I. It will be tight but we can go hiking and see everything. Mobile hotspot for school. And we'll all be together, stuck, but they won't have the influences of others breaking them down. Just us. Magic.
I've always dreamed it would come later and it still might have to. But, I think this could be really good for us.
I think it's a step in the direction of not letting these plagues and curses eat me alive for life. And before I had them I promised them good. They need and deserve to see the world too.
I don't want them to live under this gravity blanket.
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