A Razors Edge

I've practiced. I can still look with anticipation at the things that are before me. A mild sense of security. No panic needed. No giant fight. No sense of time in unsensabilty. Bruce Banner ladies and gentlemen.

He turns. Like a switch when he gets used to getting what he wants. One fight every four years? Just the word no. I suffer from the same chemical imbalance in sorts. But most don't welcome The ability to self analyze. It happens every time. He gets greedy. Entitled. More selfish. We fight. I resent. We separate. Eventually come back together. And pattern repeated.

I don't have a problem going away. I'm centered. I don't have a problem taking care of business. My kids. Who have been in his life for three years off and on too. I have to be stable. And my life is not a giant party.

The same fight over and over again. And he starts off so cool. Like that guy is out of this world. But watch out when hulk gets mad. Emotionally retarded? Fuck me?

If I love something wouldn't I want it to have the best? If he can do better than me, then he's more than welcome to it? It's his happiness. Love isn't self seeking.

When you're a child you play with childish things, when you grow you put childish things away. I've grown out of these petty quarrels. 

Straight Retarded

Why are dudes crazy as fuck? We love them, cater to them, and where is the appreciation? 

Happens every time.  I'm not surprised, nor am I excited. I'm only good till I have a backbone and then I'm not shit?

I'm always wrong. But in all actuality your dick probably just needs to heal from fucking the girl who left the Bobby pins in the couch after your usual weekend disappearance. And I have no right to say anything cause I ain't your woman. But I get called names? I'm emotionally retarded?

Support your dreams. Check. Listen to you. Check. Show kindness. Check. Don't be boastful. Check. Don't be proud. Check. Be patient.  Check. Don't be jealous. Check.

But fuck me and the job I helped you get? When you're trying to see your kid. And conquer the world. But you just ignore my emotionally retarded ass.

Yes, I know. And after everything I do... you ignore me. And I've been doing this for 3 years?

Ouch. The world and all of it sacredness is balance. How will you feel when your daughter loves someone exactly like you? What you feed the world you get in return.

And never charity. Only love. But love should always be mutual, never just when you need it. You're a man, not a child. I take care of my children, if I'm taking care of a man, I should be taken care of. And that includes caring about my day, Being there emotionally even when you can't financially.

If someone doesn't have interest in those things, then there really isn't a point. I'm not saying I'm sorry because the truth left a bitter taste. If goodbye is what he's shooting for, then a ship is always safest is the harbor, but that's not what a ship was made for. Set sail.

I'm not fighting for anyone who isn't fighting for me.

I'm sure another bitch will lick your ass and take off your pants, and get you addis, and head like mine, and rides, and candy. Oh and try and support your dreams and cater to you. Go ahead, replace me.

I got sticky icky green and scotch I don't really care.

The fuck?

It's Not

It not that God lies. Its that he out smarts you. See you think he could be saying one thing but meaning another. And how can you do the daunting task of questioning what he already knows that you think you know, because only the ego tries to control.

I know you love your markers, but isn't what I gave you better? Better?? Yes. It was splendid and incredible.  But you know I love my markers. You know. So then if you created me to be me, then have to understand that I'm the kind of person who is going to fight for markers. 

Because of compromise.  I could be comprising what could be better. I know. But I want my markers. I think that would be good too.  Do good things.

But you told me I could have the desires of my heart. Why such trickery? It's such a closed door.

30: The Struggle

Using a blog to talk to myself and release the pent up life problems.

My 30th birthday. In my head something I was prepared to avoid forever.

But I secretly had been looking forward to spending a nite with friends under the stars. With my Bo. And having passionate sex in a tent.

What it turned out to be. Me running around all day appeasing everyone. Spending a shit ton of money I didn't have And falling asleep from exhaustion. Feeling unappreciated...and No cake. I'm pretty sure most everyone had an ok time but me. Although Bo complained about sleeping on the ground.

The things that plague me. Why am I surprised?  He was funny and kind. Exactly what I would of wanted. But why do I feel resentful that the day before I hand him $60 and he gets something that cost $35. Holds on to the rest. I roll one joint for myself that I still had a small piece of by the next time I see him. I never get my change that he helps himself to, and after I get him food, and cigarettes. He rolled two blunts when he felt like it during the festivities and we smoked.

And then complains about sleeping on the ground. He let me sleep. I guess that was nice. I wanted a dream night of head. Birthday girl. Big 3-0.

I just moved out of my house. Where I was completely happy with. I had a beach. A good neighborhood.  A place where I was in a good school district so my son could finally go to the school I fought to get him into for 3 years. A support system. Doctors, therapist.  What's my families problem? Bo. So I move. To not deal with me sticking up for this guy I believe has really changed.

And I want to love him. He loves me. Admittidly not a choice he would make, but the heart wants what the heart wants. But there is something holding me back.  Am I ready to be resentful? I don't necessarily care about the things I do, but there is a fine line between being kind, and being taken advantage of. He has taken advantage of me. But I asked if he was being ruined by spoils because he wanted what he wanted, and he got defensive. What he has he shares.

But if I had just gave him $60, got a joint out of it, wanted to come back to my house, he threw a temper tantrum about that. Says he doesn't have enough green for another one, wants to use the last of mine. But we go in the house and he miraculously has some?? Where did it come from? I didn't even want to smoke after that. His presence was my birthday presant? But clearly I also paid for it?? I'm kinda let down. Kinda a lot. I've played this role before. I don't like it.

I think in his dreams He takes care of me back, but right now that's what he's occupied with. I've known this, I accepted it coming back this time. But I am not signing on for the same b.s.

Expecting something for something. Fucks it all up. On both sides.

I want a partner. I want to build something with someone. I want someone to work with me. Together. Not chase their dreams while living at home and maybe one day deciding to man up. He said he wants to push everything back another year. To do it how he wants.

To break this down. I'm in a relationship that isn't a relationship.  He's not my boyfriend, my man, he has no responsibility to me. He is free to do whatever he wants. All while I hold my life up for a guy who talks to me some more? Who I think wants to be there!?

3 years. Of waiting. Of wanting. Of loving, and fighting, and being scared.

He could of baked me a cake. He could of given me birthday head. He could do a lot of things. Love don't pay the bills. And I'm not sure continuing to hold off for someone else's dreams with no guarantee to my future works. He talks about when he makes it. And I wholeheartedly believe in him. But what if he doesnt? Do I get a partner then? When does he decide I've been with him long enough to have a normal relationship?  Where two people move in and pay bills together? Make dinner together? Take turns yelling at kids to get in the bath? Have bbqs?  Take turns doing dishes and mowing the lawn?

What about what I want? Regardless we have to wait and see, but a little assurance would say something. Right now no matter how sweet he is when I'm around, or regardless of the fact I know he loves me, what about our future?

Time is the only thing we don't get back. 3 years of love is a long time.

The Truth of the Matter

I'm dating myself. I think I have been for along time now. I think now that I'm older I've sorta reconciled with it. I'm learning to love me. Enjoying my flaws, and debating them, understanding me. Searching.

I read that the dream person you desire is actually yourself. You have all the qualities you seek in someone. You understand your flaws, bad habits. You can depend on you.

The cosmic overdone classic fork in the road syndrome plagues me as always. I think it's because I analyze a situation clearly trying to grasp some sort of awareness or understanding. So there no way it can never be easy. It's chronic life events.

What if I can see two completely lives? And both of them seem great? What if the opposite attraction to both of them is the very thing possibly thing that all of creations generic desicion making boils down too?

There is something big inside of me. Its one days revolution waiting. Whatever it is, it's important. And I feel like a kid in a candy store about it? Melissa's grand adventure.

What if choose wrong? The wrong road? Why is it we know what we should do but there is a stronger magnetic force is pulling you in the other direction?

Can't I have everything?  Can't it work together? Why Is there multiple outcomes? And why can't I be ignorant and bliss? Why does intelligence and life make me so perplexed?

The mysteries of life I suppose.

Unfathomable

Patience. Not my strong suit. Its something that has always been out to me, but somehow I failed to get the consequences of not applying it. Reroute, go above, go behind, some how someway, I've escaped adulthood with nearly any. I could find a way to always get what I want.

They say with age comes wisdom. I try to work at implementing it in my life a little more now. I hate it. I don't understand it. I understand lots of outcomes can be avoided when used. But beyond that it doesn't seem fun. Waiting. That's what it all boils down to. Waiting for children to grow up, giving them exceptions to outburst and such. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for people to change, or for a better life. Waiting.

As I contemplate my next life choices, I'm plagued by a decision of patience. Do I wait for him? I love him. But my hope is only a sliver and I have dreams. But I feel so conquered. A lost hope. I try not to let myself fantasize about a life with him. I've worked hard at that.

I'm a math and science person. If regardless of the destination the journey is still the same, then patience is inevitable. 

You still have to wait. We can't currently speed up time as is, not that time is actually real, but the unknown? The things you can't factor?

So to me the safest route is to continue to do what I do and just to apply the perspective of patience. Whatever the outcome, it was already predestined.

And I reached completely new heights during meditation last night. Incredible.

Like a bull chasing a butterfly

Sometimes the appeal of sleep deprivation is ridiculous meditation.

Justice prevails

It's beautiful here. This moment. It seems like a scene from a movie. Crystal clear night sky. A bazillion stars. Soft waves rolling the beach like a serine alarm clock. My place to find comfort. To make me feel big. The atmosphere.  The understanding that God is everything. 

It's where I know that I know that I know that what I'm supposed to do. Its wisdom. The tragedy in life is, well come to think about it there's actually way to many to list. But not chasing your dreams.

I think it's an end to an era.

Corporal punishment

To say I'm a hot mess is the understatement of the century.  I have an idea of good and despite my faults I try my best to be that.

Fear. Fear of getting close. Its like shrapnel flying at me. My desires aren't to be held anymore I found basically I can hold myself. I'm a big girl. Outside of of the bedroom human contact is held for the elite. I hold few close.

Is it that I have found a physiological way of detouring drama outside of the bedroom by creating hostility within it? I'm a masochist. Does letting myself become a slave in moments of sexual desires ratify the control issues I have outside of it? Does becoming the person I perform to be in between the sheets center the woman I am outside of them?

And what does any of it have to do with love?

Three years. I stopped looking at the past to define me, but then what's holding me back. He's incredible.  Talented, intelligent, charming, ridiculously sexy, and I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Love. The reason to breathe. But we've done this before I wasn't nearly so calm, and he wasn't nearly so open. But now he tries. I can't not want more than exactly what we have if it's not plausible. I'm intact. Walls has been built. Lines have been drawn. My ability to feel vulnerable has taken a passenger seat to stability.

I feel like there's a new man in front of me. Someone I didn't know before. Someone I knew was there, But never had the chance to meet. And there's this life force around. Contentness. But even if the world was out to get me, I gave up. What does it all mean!?!!!

The Idea

The idea of love itself has us running in the masses searching. Wondering. Lost but hopeful.

I think I've always known I wanted to get married. The idea of it. But I'm in love with love. So by all standards if I did it, it would be till death do us part. There is no divorce, that's it. I can't imagine it would be an easy accomplishment, but worth the commitment. I've had several opportunities but never did it. I've actually only ever met one person where I couldn't want anything more.

I looked into his eyes and that was it. Stunned. It biwilders me. I can see it. Small wedding outside, in my friends back yard. The look on his face when recite our vows. Intimate. Dance floor included. Fire afterwards with music and quiet lights in the background, strung tree to tree. Mason jars with candles, up and down the isle. The moon. Smore party favors on the tables covered with white linens, and burlap table runners. Lighting and letting go lanterns into the night sky. Me saying I told you so.

To be honest it's the biggest dream I have. Love is the only dream I can think with any real meaning in it. I'm sure for other people they love their dreams too. But for me, it's looking at someone and defying the urge to jump ship after you've looked them in their eyes and seeing them for all the ugly they are. Its deciding that despite all the faults they are it in life, to have someone with you for the ride. It's a battle of it own. But the reward of happiness,  waking up to the same person everyday, to have stability, and a fortress of combined effort. It's the ultimate adventure by someone who at times probably wants you to be eaten by a bear but would never let you. Its kindness, and grace, and growth.

Because love is the only way anything grows. It's the only reason to get out of bed. It's the only thing worth fighting for. Its trust.

So why are the things we want the hardest to get? My love life is a complicated beautiful mess. I'm in constant conversation  with God. I love the grand scale version of life with my heart, but I feel like he ignores me instead. He gives me lots of grace in the subject matter, but I want my markers! Inside joke between me and God and my dreams. I believe in appealing to the higher power. Asking for revelation. It can be revolutionary. He told me in a dream once that he knew I loved what I had, but what he was giving me was better. Isn't up to him? That he knows best? To have faith and I can fly. Not literally clearly metaphorically.

But if that's the case I feel stuck..like he has me practicing for the big game, but I never leave the cage. Or I'm standing by idlely in the stands. With a hotdog. I don't want to dream that dream with anyone else. I said this was it. That I was giving up if this didn't work. And I get that gentle nudge, love is patient. Love is kind. Love endures all things. It is not rude or self seeking. It is not proud. It does not boast, it holds no record of wrong doings.

Because rule #1 is patience and I want the whole thing.

I think that God and I have a good relationship. He's got an incredible sense of humor. I find myself in these moments of awe about it. Like there's a reason that your rear view mirror is so small and your windshield is so big. It's because you're not supposed to be looking behind you, you're supposed to be looking forward.

The lessons he teaches me are on a Ghandi or Zen like master training program. They're huge, I know I'm constantly looking. Questioning why. So I think on a very surreal deep level. Looking to define your character with God sized lessons? Do you really want to be a good person? I seek him. I find him. It's everywhere.

A part of me wants to fight for the thing he said he knew I loved, but what he had was better... I'm talking adjustment bureau. Is it wrong if God tells you he has something better for you to hold on to what you have? To fight for the dream. To crave the smell of flowers on tables and toasting with friends? I've always been lost. A gypsy mentality to explore and protest, and live off grid. A ship with no destination. But when I look at him, when I see him, in all his imperfect glory, I get weak. And timid. And adventurous. And silly. And daring. I would submit myself to him. Honerably. I look.at him and I'm found. I want to do good in the world with him. And make art. And wrestle. I want dogs with him. And walk them together.

I find it terrible that even though it possibly served an invaluable purpose, I'm supposed to give up? I don't want to try again. I don't want to be close to other human beings. I don't want to wait the world with anyone else. I'm already troubled by the chaos of it all. Its tiring nd so far relentless. And I definitely can't make anyone love me back!?!?

The perplexing idea of love.
Who makes you want to change the world?

The appeal

The universe fascinates me. The fathoming (not a word) of everything.  Love and God. Or I should say Love is God. If you look at the example of 1Cornithians13:4 it gives us a perfect explanation of what love is. And we've been told repeatedly God is love. Why is looking at things from a different so unappealing to us?

I kinda feel like everything on a molecular level and how we seem to exist is based on quantum physics. This in part being that God is the ultimate mathematician. He exists and in almost all religions we're supposed to keep our bodies sacred because it's a temple. Because God is within us. The Love that we try to create and share and have relationships, and families,  and friends. That's God. And if we all boil down to a scientific principle of what our fundamental structure is, it's  math, and numbers at basic beginings are shapes, and color, and light. It's geometry.

It's like cymantics, the study of sound. Different tones are numbers when you tear them down to frequencies. I've watched them do experiments with different tones and liquids. It moves the liquid in different harmonic intricate patterns. If you add different substances like cornstarch to the liquid, it actually begins to make the liquid rise still making patterns in what to start to look like forms.

In Christianity we're told God made us from dust. He is the potter, we are the clay. And scientifically we're made of star dust. Our bodies are made up of how much water? At the right frequency with the right substance, with the correct tone, I think that's how life started. I image there was nothing. And out of that nothing came a sound. And from that sound exploded consciousness. What was that? And then possibly the big bang theory. But God is the principle none the less. At the core of all things one consciousness that started it all. We call him many things, but it's Love.

Here's where I think it gets like super beautiful, what can you really do when you know absolutely everything?  Nothing. There is no expectation, or anticipation, there isn't any fun, or anything. I imagine it's ridiculously boring. So out of one consciousness spawned eternity. Survival. And hope. Why wouldn't you take pieces of yourself and hide them? In places where they don't know anything. And teach them love. Love makes things grow. I've seen another experiment with sound And telling jars of rice different things. But nothing grows without love. Not plants, not people, not life. I'm sure the big guy upstairs knows the outcome, he invented everything. We all have a piece of him. The light. The it. Its why from space the universe looks the same as brain mapping.

Pieces of one bigger thing. Playing hide and go seek, continuing our existence through Love. But if everything is made up of the same thing colors and shapes, then we're all perfectly stemmed from the same place. And who hates the shapes and colors of everything? No one. So in the mist of our lower brained selves we have been diluted into being racist, greedy, whores to the US government.  We separate our selves and use fear as a driving force.

If we all realized we actually were the same thing, I bet it would be a lot easier to love your neighbor. To do what Buddhist to and honor the God within them. And its there in good old Christianity too. The Holy Trinity. The Father, Son, and Spirit? It's everywhere. We just see it from different perspectives. 
Clearly we would want the best for us. But to know good you have to know bad. And then we can fundamentally reproduce and grow. Harmony. Duality.  Balance. Different factors. That's why God is always there. Why you can appeal to him. He is you. He is everything. And when you think of it that way. You are everything. That's why Love and greatness show the best possible scenario for growing in consciousness to be eternal. Love grows. God grows. This is where we now find infinite. He gave Christ as a martyr, to show how to endure, because we do know duality and not the big picture.

Who doesn't want the greatest story ever told to be about love and stars? With a whole bunch of ups and downs to keep us on the the edge of your seat?

My First Day: Christianity is not a club.

Today is the first day in nearly a year I have not gone to church. There have been many Sundays where the thought of staying hidden beneath my blankets and not facing the outdoor elements have tried to keep me captivated. Upset with the decisions I have let God make, the thought of facing snow, and just plain sleepiness have yet to keep me from worship.

Today was an entirely different battle. I know God loves me. I have no doubt, and there is the occasion I yell to the heavens "Is this some sort of cruel joke?" but I know. I know that the big man upstairs is trying to tell me something that isn't so attractive about my character. I think most of us don't want to learn these lessons.

6-26-15 The supreme courts made a decision on homosexual marriage. Legalized in 50 states. I support this decision. Whole heartedly. I am a foreigner among Christians, and outcast-ed among society.  I don't fit any mold. I attend a Pentecostal church that blasts homosexual ways. And I believe my God is bigger. He is bigger and more loving than bigotry. That no one sin is greater than another. That sin is sin. I believe we have a marriage problem in society in general. That we have a love problem in general. That our small minds can not fathom the perfection and love of the God I adore.

Being a Christian= I fall. I fail on an almost everyday basis. I'm faced with trials and tribulations. But after I get over getting down on myself for stumbling, I have a Father, Abba, Who loves me in entirety and has an endless amount of grace because he created me for his pleasure. He created everyone for those reasons. So my God who is amazing, and awesome, and super natural, and all loving, all powerful. and knowing, and everlasting, has to love everyone the same. In spite of sin. In spite of any fault. Because if he started picking and choosing we would all be in trouble.

In our Christian handbook (the bible) We have two rules... 1) Love God above all others. 2) Love thy neighbor.

Everything is water under the bridge. Everything is permit-able but not everything is beneficial.,.. And there are guidelines, but I have totally lacked meeting anyone in  my life span that lined up with all of them. So... when in doubt go back to rules 1 &2.

And for every Christian screaming about Sodom and Gomorrah, A man demanding another man. Does nobody understand that demanding sex against anyone's will is rape? This may have had something to do with sexuality, but more so rape?

I'm in a place of disappointment with the church. At a time when we believe we are in the end of days, we preach hate. And segregation. I've listened to my pastor say he'd be happy with a drunkard in church but get upset with homosexuality? When was it up to us to pick and choose? Do we put conviction in the hearts of the divorcees that sit in our pews? Why are we blinding ourselves with hatred for our brothers and sisters? When I teach my children Christianity, it's so they know the all loving power of Christ.

Church is where you go to be healed, not accepted. And after we we pray to our Father in heaven, we are supposed to intercede. We pray for our government with conviction in our hearts, for they are also God's anointed, and so we pray. We intercede for those without prayer. And even better not just your enemies, but with whats wrong with the world before we pray for ourselves. Pray for child molesters, for rapist, for drug dealers, for gang members, for victims and for the lost, when we break our hearts for them with Love, and pray for them to be blessed, they will have HEAPS of coals on their heads. When we pray for their destruction God states he will do NOTHING.

If you ever want to know why the world isn't changing for the better, start spending as much time on your knees as you do on facebook. I was lucky enough to be taught, every time you point your finger at someone, you have three more pointing back at you.

We print In God We Trust on money, and we don't. We don't trust he is bigger than our circumstances. Bigger than our government. Bigger than our fears and hopes, and dreams. We only trust him to the extent when we need a miracle, we all suffer from the problem of giving up control.

If God doesn't love everyone, then why believe Christ died for all of us? His blood covered ALL. Washed everything away. Amen.