My Old friend Insomnia

I've been maintaining sleep pretty well for a while now, not so much maintaining writing but sleep okay.. so I figure I'm up and I do need to get back into the habit.

Yesterday didn't really go as planned, but he did say a few sentences. Which is better than complete exile. I'll take what I can get. And I guess we just start there? I've been bored and miserable without him. Broken leg sucks. I feel like a gimp when I walk around and worried pants grandma yells at me for trying to do everything. I did actually wear one of my braces and wrapped under it all day yesterday which I haven't actually done yet, but I really don't want surgery. I can't take this now... 8 months of this shit... no thank you.. 

So as long as my own stupid stubbornness doesn't get in the way, crossing my fingers only 6 more weeks. Maybe sooner... 

I did send Ed a long message detailing some of my own excruciating horrible deeds..  I was 5 beers deep.. drinking myself in sorrow.. at one point my grandma came to the garage and asked me why I was sitting in the freezing cold and dark....

I told her I'm upset about something I want to be alone and I'll be in eventually. She said ok. but really also...  Because I can't chain smoke in the house Nana??

My daughters father has called me twice this week telling me how much he loves me and how I really actually want to be with him.. I laugh hysterically at him. I needed a good laugh... He tries to convince me I do... then asks about why couldn't I be the person I am now when we were together...

For years now I tell him to let the past go... We haven't been together in 8 years.. that shit is dead and gone. I'm not that girl.. I grew the fuck up and maybe he should too. He bet me last night he could "still get the pussy" I died... H asked me why he couldn't hit it.. "Because you're toxic and I don't want anything to do with you like that, give it up, I have no interest"

I talked to him or I should say attempted to talk about Ed to him the other night, for the most part we maintain a friendship for Ny'lle. She makes fun of his ass too when he tells her how much he loves me and asks if I still love him, She tells his ass No just the same as me. So last night after he's asking about why he can't get the pussy he says it's because I went and got myself a ghramcracker...

Mind you he has a girl so when he's in my shit like this I assume she's at work and ask why she keeps letting him call me..She needs to take his phone away.

She does too.. we know he ain't paying the bill with his no job having ass....

My boss finally called me for a job the other day and I had to tell him I broke my leg, he talked to me for a minute getting the story and told me I better rest up that as soon as I'm healed I can come back to work. I can't fucking wait. I go stir crazy in the house. And I fucking hate facebook more and more every time I look at the shit because it's all I have to do. I do need to work on the book some more. My grandma got on the laptop the other day and shut down a month and a half of writing work without saving it. I still haven't looked to see how bad it was. It seriously maybe 3 different chapters all mid/almost finished and I haven't been able to bring myself to look.

So wish me sanity for the next 6 weeks, also motivation... if I apply myself I could just finish the fucking thing..

New wave

So I have decided it is our best interests if I adhere to his clear demand of space, communication or not. I am going to give him until Thursday and if I have not heard from him by then I'm setting my plan in motion.

I'm showing up at his doorstep with Jamaican food and liquor and my tail in between my legs. 

And instead of continuing to ramble on a nervous wreck in text messages, I am going to suck up my pride good or bad and talk to him face to face and tell him how I really feel. My bad habits, mannerisms, faults, and make sure he knows that I do love him, not in love, but I care ridiculously about him and I don't want him to go anywhere. Also let him know that no one can throw a lasso around the sun, and that includes me. And my heart is what radiates heat on its own. If I could wrangle it I would have done so a long time ago, but just because he is the object of my hearts affection doesn't mean anything but that, I enjoy him, I respect him, and I trust him. And I want to take my time in this lovely awfully awkward stage we're in because I like that he gets nervous, I think it's fucking adorable, I like the mystery and intrigue of it, and I think this is the best part. And this time, unlike the others, I want to really get to know him. What makes him tick, what he thinks, how he thinks, his fears, doubts, the things he loves.

I told myself I wasn't going to do this again, not with him, but not with anyone, and I made my peace with it.



But you can't throw a lasso around the Sun.   

Icebox

My heart is an icebox now that I'm cementing in a wall 100x100 deep and thick. No one is getting in here again. I'm going to cry this one out and I'm not doing this shit again. Bitter is what I believe they call it. That's my name from now on.

In the last week

I've seen Ed 3 nights in the last week. All progressively better each time. The last time we ran some errands, dropped my kids off at the dance, went to the bar down the road, had some bites and drinks, picked kids up, went back to his place.

He's more open this time. That or I'm actually listening. I hear what he's saying. It's still a lot of him talking and filling a sound void with words, but it's also him letting his guard down and actually telling me things about himself. Which is invaluable to me. It's priceless because he's being vulnerable. I appreciate it. It means the world to me actually. It's something I don't ever remember from the first two times. It's even more special I suppose because even after everything with me it means there's hope.

After he kissed me the other night I tried to throw out the fact I wanted to snuggle a couple days later and and it went over his head, and when I left the conversation with my tail in between my legs he apologized, I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I understand why he is so guarded and where he's at emotionally. I'm even okay with that. I feel like realistically with the things I know now we are very much in the same place being damaged and all. But I could love him. I didn't think I could before.

I was emotionally drained and even more fucked than I am now. Now I just want consistency. Now I don't want to trap him or tie him down or anything like that, I am very much happy with him the way things are. I like the mystery of it. I like the intrigue, and the magic of getting to actually know him.

The last night we hung out, I got snuggles. I got hot and heavy make out session. I got dry humping in his bed and rubbing his neck and it started off with me just going into his room and laying in his bed drunk, and then calling him into lay with me, he did, my legs wrapped around him, and face to face while I softly stroked his neck, and then softly started kissing the side of his face until I made my way to his mouth. And from there, hot and heavy face sucking. We talked too. I asked him if he realized how fiercely loyal I was. He started crying at one point. Burring his face in my chest apologizing. I held him. I liked holding him and telling him it was okay. I'm just not a girl who is full of betrayal. After that he did some crazy painful wrestling move on me. He was drunk and playful... I allowed it.

Then we went back and hung out with everyone else at his house. I also wanted to leave at one point and he his my keys with one of his roommates. It took me nearly an hour of begging them to get them back. Then he walked me to my car and was talking. I looked at him and told him to shut up and kiss me. Oh boy did he. God his mouth is like for real magical. I don't know if we had never made out before, I remember kissing him and not really being into it, I'm kinda mad at myself I wasted my time not doing it.

I'm a firm believer men kiss how they fuck... I did even ask at one point during the bedroom makeout session if he had a condom... he didn't. Probably for the best with my little fast ass getting turned on so much by it. MMMMMMmmmmmm. So serious.

I did admit I may have of manipulated him into hanging out with me a couple times before that. We were leaving the bar and I forgot how it got brought up but I asked him if he hit me up that night I was with his friend Lexie because he saw the picture I posted on FB. He said yes and asked why? I instantly changed my mind about and told him if I told him then he would always wonder and then I would have to overthink his overthinking and that's so much work and I honestly just want what I want and it shouldn't have to be that difficult.

He made me tell him anyways. I explained I wanted to hang out with him and I knew if I posted the picture that I was with Lex that he would see it and hit me up, and I had actually did my hair and nails before Lexie even had agreed to hang out with me because my intention the entire time was just to hangout with him and I shouldn't have to manipulate him to gt what I want I should just be able to say I want to hang out.

I think he was more impressed than anything.

I like him. It's been 7 years. I am a lot different than I was before. And even though we're hanging out all the time, we aren't dating. So I get all the good and none of the bad. And he is fucking awesome. Like funny, sexy, smart, adventurous, insightful, entertaining.

And I found out he used to live right down the street from me growing up for a little while. Like he's somehow always cosmically so close to me. I believe in fate. I believe in God and the universe and even though the chances are ridiculously small... I do believe in love. And I do believe maybe after all this time, if we keep finding our way to one another that he could be it. He doesn't like change, neither do I. He has a lot of the same values and interests even though we are polar opposites...

We kind of go together like Ying and Yang. I don't even find myself remotely interested in seeing anyone else. I don't have the heart to do it. I find myself intrinsically ready for him. And rather than acting out when he says or does something that upsets me, I make the grownup choice of being very clear and honest with him. So far so good.

I could love him. Something in me says I already do and yet I've never been more okay with going slow with something in my entire life. I don't want him to run, I want him to feel safe, secure, and know if he ever decides to love me again, I am not only worth it, but he will have a lions love. Protective of his heart, and his mind, loyal, giving and kind, and honest. I want what I missed out on the other two times when we were both too stupid.

The best thing I could ever say... Is only time will tell.

Tonight

Secret adventure with Ed this evening. I took him with me to run an errand and then I took him for drinks. I love spending time with him.. most the time.

I may have let him drink too much. I saw him cry for the first time. So at least I know he has a soul now. He also choked on his drink at the bar and spit all over everything. Slightly funny. Also kept spilling his last drink. To the point the bartender gave him a straw for his beer.

He danced with me in his kitchen. Rubbed my shoulders... At one point wrapped his legs around me sitting on his counters and planted a big ol kiss on my cheek. And then kissed me again on my mouth after dancing with me. I tried to kiss him back and he made a big joke about how I tried to slip him the tongue. ... I was just kissing him back.


He is a handful. He did have about 20 shots. Jess the roommate's girlfriend was so sweet to me. She says she likes me and he talks about me to her... I'm not sure what that means. She told him I loved him... I looked away, when she walked away I looked at him and said she said that not me. For him to be so reserved, and then get touchy feely with me... that speaks mountains about whats going on in his head. Jess kept saying all the things he needs and I tried to tell her he's not ready. He's not. I know him very well. But I can also say he's def afraid. In the same ways I am. He has the potential to hurt me. I already have feelings. I sincerely care deeply about him already. He terrifies me.

I like him. I liked dancing, and laughing and smiling. I like when I went to leave after putting Kid Danger to bed he told me No, and told me to go to the kitchen and was affectionate. I need that in my life. I just hope regardless that he learns to trust I have no ill will. I just want to treat him well and hold him and grow with him. I'm totes cool taking our time. I think we both need that. Slow and steady is the only way we'll ever know.

It's been years and somehow the universe keeps making us find our way to one another. I think that's something worth trying, even if it hurts every time. Maybe we eventually get it right. Maybe that's why we always look at each other the same way.

My Merry Go Round of Indecisiveness

So in the life of Melissa, me.. there has always and forever been a wheel of I don't knows. Always spinning never knowing and going with the flow of uncertainty.

On one hand, we have Mario. Dated formerly. Always fun. Fantastic. Kind. Adventurous. Never jealous. Hardworking. A bit eccentric. But great. Wants to date again. I told him my plate is full. I told him I'm not ready as my brain never knows up or down and I'm really trying to get my shit together. He checks on me. My health, my well being. He's patient and nurturing. These are incredible qualities. Lives about 40 minutes away. Haven't really hung out in years. Never did anything to hurt me. And we have fun together. Okay with relationships. Knows what I want out of life. And had never told me there isn't a hard no in that for him. Knows I have a huge fear of intimacy and deals with it.

On the other hand. Ed. Who is a show boat, generous, kind, fun to be around, hardworking, forgiving, attractive, close, fuels this fire I have inside to have intelligent conversations and is so fucking smart. He's sarcastic, which means he understands the darkness of humor I have inside me. He always enjoys the shenanigans that occur with me. We also dated already.. twice. Ending horribly both times. But there is something about him I am inevitably attracted to. I love being around him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's focused on work. Never wants to be married again. But still has this uncontrolled way of flirting. It's a natural ability for him. I gravitate to it. We keep hanging out. Started working together, and from there "working on a working friendship" Oddly enough while we weren't together and I think about him often, I find out he does the same and even stranger, lives right down the road from where I had been working and to me it's almost like fate intertwining us waiting on us to get our shit together.

I hung out with a mutual friend of Ed and I's. I got myself dolled up first knowing there was a large possibility of seeing him as they lived close and I posted pictures of the two of us having fun on Facebook. I of course was right. Spent hours with him, drinking, laughing, making awesome eye stares. Even asking him when he hit us up if he was trying to escape his roommates kids and that's why he wanted to hang out.. he said that wasn't "his reason" but didn't tell me what the reason was. I played coy.


I have a dream about Mario last night. He was going to ask me to marry him. In my dream he's just waiting around to ask me and I'm getting dressed but I can't decide what I want to wear. I try on like 30 different things and by the time I'm ready, he has decided he didn't want to wait on me and leaves me. Then this women goes postal and starts killing everyone in this building. Like a shit ton of people.

My interpretation.. My indecisiveness will cause a disaster. That I have someone waiting who is ready and wants the same things as me and then I can't make up my mind, he gets fed up and I lose him. It's fucking prophetic. And I know it is.

So knowing this you think it would be easy for me to just stop everything I'm fucking doing and just date and be with Mario right? ... Fuck No. Not in my damn brain. Ed is impulsive and I like that. I like the excitement and the plotting to win him over. I enjoy it. I go after what I want with perseverance. I am strong willed. If you tell me no and I want it, it will make me work with a boldness no one knows. It fuels me even more to get what I want. But what's worse is I want him.. but I know with almost a certainty that it will likely end badly. He's temperamental and jealous, I'm vivacious and a flirt. Not really the best qualities to mesh. But, he understands my thought process on a almost deeply intellectual brain to soul level. We are polar opposites like ying and yang.

This is my merry go round. Fuck me.


I should also throw in that Mario went on a date with anther girl and I got jealous... the same as when Ed and I hang out and he's texting on his phone. My brain doesn't like itself today.

At the hospital last night.. TMI

So I cervical cancer and have been in pain for a couple of days and end up finding a lump and go to the hospital... this is the complaint I filed with the hospital afterwards as well at the state boards..



I was in the ER last night with a mass on my perineum. I was taken to the express care. I had a nurse named Mike and a NP named Shawn were in charge of my care. When Shawn came in he had his scribe, and asked if he could examine me. I agreed thinking another nurse would be present, but no. He did the examination right there, couldn't find the mass as he has my legs spread wide open in front of scribe. After he cannot find the mass to the point I have to physically show him, the area and then he still misses it and decides to prescribe me antibiotics. I felt highly uncomfortable, as I said I was in a severe amount of pain I had already rated to 7-8. After he left I paged my nurse and the NP came back in the room and asked if he could help me, I said no, I would prefer to speak to my nurse, he asked again if everything was okay, I said I was fine and I just would prefer my nurse he said okay and then sent Mike back in the room. I informed Mike I was not comfortable with this doctor, he hadn't felt the mass at all and I wanted to see an attending as I was in actual pain and wanted to know what was wrong with me. He told me that was fine and then sent the original NP back into my room alone where he harassed me for the next five minutes about why I needed an attending, letting me know they were busy with actual sick patience, and he could get one but they would ask him why, and he doesn't want me to complain today so he'd like to fix the problem. I several times let him know I was well within my rights to ask for an attending and I was not comfortable with him and I didn't want to speak to him. He did not back down, I felt alone and Isolated and scared at this point. I was in a closed room where I had asked men for help and both of them took advantage of their positions and allowed this to happen. After being badgered for the longest five minutes of my life in this room alone with Shawn I finally told him I came into the hospital in pain, you didn't feel the mass at all you felt around it, I came for a reason, I've never had anything like this before, and I don't know why I'm being refused the right to see an attending. He asked me if I wanted him to call my Gynecologist. I said NO, I want to see an attending. He asked if I wanted him to order an ultrasound. I said to start yes, I have a mass in my perineum, it's painful I'd like to know what it is. He told me he thinks that's a good idea too, and he would order that for me but I would have to get undressed again. He continually letting me know he just wants to make sure I'm not going to call and complain today. So I have transport come for me, offered to give me a wheelchair, I refused as it hurts to sit down, and he allows me to walk. Thankfully a woman administered the ultrasound, and found the mass immediately after I told her where it was. When the nurse Mike came back for me he brought me a wheelchair that I tried to refuse and he insisted I sat down. I go back to my room already appalled at the nature of these two individuals and wait for my results. When the NP Shawn comes to deliver the results he lets me know that I had a Cyst or Abscess ( just as he thought)  exactly where I told him it was and that I might have puss come out of my vagina, with a very foul odor,there was a 50/50 chance it could go away itself but I also could just have puss coming out of my vagina, and a very foul odor and needed to go to my actual gynecologist. Also another reason I needed to schedule an appointment with my gyno immediately as he doesn't feel comfortable cutting it out, but it did need to be done, if it didn't just go away on its own and he wasn't comfortable doing that procedure there in the ER. He then asked, "Are we good now?" To which I'm trying to gather my things, and I said yeah. He then kept pushing me again asking me are you sure? because I want to make sure you think you were taken care of and that we have no problems. To which I responded to him, "No, I think the level of unprofessional-ism between you and my nurse was uncalled for, that when a patient who says multiple times they are uncomfortable with you while they are in a room alone, and asking for an attending and you keep pushing, you should instead get an attending, especially because you are a male and I am a female and you were dominating over me to get what you wanted and I'm a previous victim of sexual assault." He then looked at me and only at that point asked if I wanted an attending.  As if 45 minutes before that I had to listen to an endless amount of reasons why I could not speak to one as I was backed into a corner.  This situation is beyond outrageous. I assume in whatever they do on an everyday basis telling patients asking for higher up doctors that "I guarantee I've seen more women's vaginas than them and I know what I'm doing far more than they do, this is my area of expertise" may be comforting to some people, but left me in horror. The NP Shawn and his bedside manner not only scared, intimidated, and bewildered me, the fact I asked for a non partial person Mike the nurse to get me an attending to avoid that entire situation and he followed up by sending the NP back in my room let me know that it was  a boys club and my patient rights did not matter, my human rights did not matter, and they thought because I was a woman I would just adhere, something by the way they both acted I assume they got away with before. My rights were raped from me last evening. I am beyond furious, Not only has a doctor let alone a NP never administered a half ass pelvic exam without another medical professional in the room, never have I ever had to literally point out exactly where the problem was accruing because they didn't listen, but the fact they thought it was okay to have an abrasive encounter in the room with me alone without other witnesses or a patient advocate is dumbfounding. The manner in which this doctor talked to me after the results was foul, and disgusting. The Np or ER nurse had no idea what each individual patient has ever had to deal with in their lives and cornering a previous victim of sexual assault in a room alone badgering me I'm still shocked and horrified.  This was a gross Ethics violations, this is malpractice. I am a human being and expect when you go to a place to be cared for that it's actually what happens. Not to mention, not once was my pain treated except I was offered a prescription of naproxian while I was being discharged. I am still livid any person walking into a hospital could be treated this way. 

So I voted.... kinda

I believe the system is rigged... so I did what I had to do.

Also I'm still mad he sent me a picture with old girls tits and nipple out... And I wonder how many people he sent that too that also noticed...

Not smart unless you want to be caught..

Why would that ever be an okay thing to do... also I talked to Jelly last night and told her how salty I was that he fucked her sister.. 

because her sister is not a good human being in general...

She informed me to never sleep with him again because her sister has the herp.

Hmmmm... wonder if knows that.

And not that I think that I'm better than anyone, but my baby daddy did too after we split and I don't think we are even in the same category of people. Her sister blackmail people, helped get Jellys kids taken away, holding her boyfriends kids hostage over a $5k loan and has done so much foul shit that I know of that it's unreal...

I guess pussy doesn't have to have real character...  smh...

Here is part of my vote.. and the nipple picture....