So in the life of Melissa, me.. there has always and forever been a wheel of I don't knows. Always spinning never knowing and going with the flow of uncertainty.
On one hand, we have Mario. Dated formerly. Always fun. Fantastic. Kind. Adventurous. Never jealous. Hardworking. A bit eccentric. But great. Wants to date again. I told him my plate is full. I told him I'm not ready as my brain never knows up or down and I'm really trying to get my shit together. He checks on me. My health, my well being. He's patient and nurturing. These are incredible qualities. Lives about 40 minutes away. Haven't really hung out in years. Never did anything to hurt me. And we have fun together. Okay with relationships. Knows what I want out of life. And had never told me there isn't a hard no in that for him. Knows I have a huge fear of intimacy and deals with it.
On the other hand. Ed. Who is a show boat, generous, kind, fun to be around, hardworking, forgiving, attractive, close, fuels this fire I have inside to have intelligent conversations and is so fucking smart. He's sarcastic, which means he understands the darkness of humor I have inside me. He always enjoys the shenanigans that occur with me. We also dated already.. twice. Ending horribly both times. But there is something about him I am inevitably attracted to. I love being around him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's focused on work. Never wants to be married again. But still has this uncontrolled way of flirting. It's a natural ability for him. I gravitate to it. We keep hanging out. Started working together, and from there "working on a working friendship" Oddly enough while we weren't together and I think about him often, I find out he does the same and even stranger, lives right down the road from where I had been working and to me it's almost like fate intertwining us waiting on us to get our shit together.
I hung out with a mutual friend of Ed and I's. I got myself dolled up first knowing there was a large possibility of seeing him as they lived close and I posted pictures of the two of us having fun on Facebook. I of course was right. Spent hours with him, drinking, laughing, making awesome eye stares. Even asking him when he hit us up if he was trying to escape his roommates kids and that's why he wanted to hang out.. he said that wasn't "his reason" but didn't tell me what the reason was. I played coy.
I have a dream about Mario last night. He was going to ask me to marry him. In my dream he's just waiting around to ask me and I'm getting dressed but I can't decide what I want to wear. I try on like 30 different things and by the time I'm ready, he has decided he didn't want to wait on me and leaves me. Then this women goes postal and starts killing everyone in this building. Like a shit ton of people.
My interpretation.. My indecisiveness will cause a disaster. That I have someone waiting who is ready and wants the same things as me and then I can't make up my mind, he gets fed up and I lose him. It's fucking prophetic. And I know it is.
So knowing this you think it would be easy for me to just stop everything I'm fucking doing and just date and be with Mario right? ... Fuck No. Not in my damn brain. Ed is impulsive and I like that. I like the excitement and the plotting to win him over. I enjoy it. I go after what I want with perseverance. I am strong willed. If you tell me no and I want it, it will make me work with a boldness no one knows. It fuels me even more to get what I want. But what's worse is I want him.. but I know with almost a certainty that it will likely end badly. He's temperamental and jealous, I'm vivacious and a flirt. Not really the best qualities to mesh. But, he understands my thought process on a almost deeply intellectual brain to soul level. We are polar opposites like ying and yang.
This is my merry go round. Fuck me.
I should also throw in that Mario went on a date with anther girl and I got jealous... the same as when Ed and I hang out and he's texting on his phone. My brain doesn't like itself today.
On one hand, we have Mario. Dated formerly. Always fun. Fantastic. Kind. Adventurous. Never jealous. Hardworking. A bit eccentric. But great. Wants to date again. I told him my plate is full. I told him I'm not ready as my brain never knows up or down and I'm really trying to get my shit together. He checks on me. My health, my well being. He's patient and nurturing. These are incredible qualities. Lives about 40 minutes away. Haven't really hung out in years. Never did anything to hurt me. And we have fun together. Okay with relationships. Knows what I want out of life. And had never told me there isn't a hard no in that for him. Knows I have a huge fear of intimacy and deals with it.
On the other hand. Ed. Who is a show boat, generous, kind, fun to be around, hardworking, forgiving, attractive, close, fuels this fire I have inside to have intelligent conversations and is so fucking smart. He's sarcastic, which means he understands the darkness of humor I have inside me. He always enjoys the shenanigans that occur with me. We also dated already.. twice. Ending horribly both times. But there is something about him I am inevitably attracted to. I love being around him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's focused on work. Never wants to be married again. But still has this uncontrolled way of flirting. It's a natural ability for him. I gravitate to it. We keep hanging out. Started working together, and from there "working on a working friendship" Oddly enough while we weren't together and I think about him often, I find out he does the same and even stranger, lives right down the road from where I had been working and to me it's almost like fate intertwining us waiting on us to get our shit together.
I hung out with a mutual friend of Ed and I's. I got myself dolled up first knowing there was a large possibility of seeing him as they lived close and I posted pictures of the two of us having fun on Facebook. I of course was right. Spent hours with him, drinking, laughing, making awesome eye stares. Even asking him when he hit us up if he was trying to escape his roommates kids and that's why he wanted to hang out.. he said that wasn't "his reason" but didn't tell me what the reason was. I played coy.
I have a dream about Mario last night. He was going to ask me to marry him. In my dream he's just waiting around to ask me and I'm getting dressed but I can't decide what I want to wear. I try on like 30 different things and by the time I'm ready, he has decided he didn't want to wait on me and leaves me. Then this women goes postal and starts killing everyone in this building. Like a shit ton of people.
My interpretation.. My indecisiveness will cause a disaster. That I have someone waiting who is ready and wants the same things as me and then I can't make up my mind, he gets fed up and I lose him. It's fucking prophetic. And I know it is.
So knowing this you think it would be easy for me to just stop everything I'm fucking doing and just date and be with Mario right? ... Fuck No. Not in my damn brain. Ed is impulsive and I like that. I like the excitement and the plotting to win him over. I enjoy it. I go after what I want with perseverance. I am strong willed. If you tell me no and I want it, it will make me work with a boldness no one knows. It fuels me even more to get what I want. But what's worse is I want him.. but I know with almost a certainty that it will likely end badly. He's temperamental and jealous, I'm vivacious and a flirt. Not really the best qualities to mesh. But, he understands my thought process on a almost deeply intellectual brain to soul level. We are polar opposites like ying and yang.
This is my merry go round. Fuck me.
I should also throw in that Mario went on a date with anther girl and I got jealous... the same as when Ed and I hang out and he's texting on his phone. My brain doesn't like itself today.
No comments:
Post a Comment