I've seen Ed 3 nights in the last week. All progressively better each time. The last time we ran some errands, dropped my kids off at the dance, went to the bar down the road, had some bites and drinks, picked kids up, went back to his place.
He's more open this time. That or I'm actually listening. I hear what he's saying. It's still a lot of him talking and filling a sound void with words, but it's also him letting his guard down and actually telling me things about himself. Which is invaluable to me. It's priceless because he's being vulnerable. I appreciate it. It means the world to me actually. It's something I don't ever remember from the first two times. It's even more special I suppose because even after everything with me it means there's hope.
After he kissed me the other night I tried to throw out the fact I wanted to snuggle a couple days later and and it went over his head, and when I left the conversation with my tail in between my legs he apologized, I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I understand why he is so guarded and where he's at emotionally. I'm even okay with that. I feel like realistically with the things I know now we are very much in the same place being damaged and all. But I could love him. I didn't think I could before.
I was emotionally drained and even more fucked than I am now. Now I just want consistency. Now I don't want to trap him or tie him down or anything like that, I am very much happy with him the way things are. I like the mystery of it. I like the intrigue, and the magic of getting to actually know him.
The last night we hung out, I got snuggles. I got hot and heavy make out session. I got dry humping in his bed and rubbing his neck and it started off with me just going into his room and laying in his bed drunk, and then calling him into lay with me, he did, my legs wrapped around him, and face to face while I softly stroked his neck, and then softly started kissing the side of his face until I made my way to his mouth. And from there, hot and heavy face sucking. We talked too. I asked him if he realized how fiercely loyal I was. He started crying at one point. Burring his face in my chest apologizing. I held him. I liked holding him and telling him it was okay. I'm just not a girl who is full of betrayal. After that he did some crazy painful wrestling move on me. He was drunk and playful... I allowed it.
Then we went back and hung out with everyone else at his house. I also wanted to leave at one point and he his my keys with one of his roommates. It took me nearly an hour of begging them to get them back. Then he walked me to my car and was talking. I looked at him and told him to shut up and kiss me. Oh boy did he. God his mouth is like for real magical. I don't know if we had never made out before, I remember kissing him and not really being into it, I'm kinda mad at myself I wasted my time not doing it.
I'm a firm believer men kiss how they fuck... I did even ask at one point during the bedroom makeout session if he had a condom... he didn't. Probably for the best with my little fast ass getting turned on so much by it. MMMMMMmmmmmm. So serious.
I did admit I may have of manipulated him into hanging out with me a couple times before that. We were leaving the bar and I forgot how it got brought up but I asked him if he hit me up that night I was with his friend Lexie because he saw the picture I posted on FB. He said yes and asked why? I instantly changed my mind about and told him if I told him then he would always wonder and then I would have to overthink his overthinking and that's so much work and I honestly just want what I want and it shouldn't have to be that difficult.
He made me tell him anyways. I explained I wanted to hang out with him and I knew if I posted the picture that I was with Lex that he would see it and hit me up, and I had actually did my hair and nails before Lexie even had agreed to hang out with me because my intention the entire time was just to hangout with him and I shouldn't have to manipulate him to gt what I want I should just be able to say I want to hang out.
I think he was more impressed than anything.
I like him. It's been 7 years. I am a lot different than I was before. And even though we're hanging out all the time, we aren't dating. So I get all the good and none of the bad. And he is fucking awesome. Like funny, sexy, smart, adventurous, insightful, entertaining.
And I found out he used to live right down the street from me growing up for a little while. Like he's somehow always cosmically so close to me. I believe in fate. I believe in God and the universe and even though the chances are ridiculously small... I do believe in love. And I do believe maybe after all this time, if we keep finding our way to one another that he could be it. He doesn't like change, neither do I. He has a lot of the same values and interests even though we are polar opposites...
We kind of go together like Ying and Yang. I don't even find myself remotely interested in seeing anyone else. I don't have the heart to do it. I find myself intrinsically ready for him. And rather than acting out when he says or does something that upsets me, I make the grownup choice of being very clear and honest with him. So far so good.
I could love him. Something in me says I already do and yet I've never been more okay with going slow with something in my entire life. I don't want him to run, I want him to feel safe, secure, and know if he ever decides to love me again, I am not only worth it, but he will have a lions love. Protective of his heart, and his mind, loyal, giving and kind, and honest. I want what I missed out on the other two times when we were both too stupid.
The best thing I could ever say... Is only time will tell.
He's more open this time. That or I'm actually listening. I hear what he's saying. It's still a lot of him talking and filling a sound void with words, but it's also him letting his guard down and actually telling me things about himself. Which is invaluable to me. It's priceless because he's being vulnerable. I appreciate it. It means the world to me actually. It's something I don't ever remember from the first two times. It's even more special I suppose because even after everything with me it means there's hope.
After he kissed me the other night I tried to throw out the fact I wanted to snuggle a couple days later and and it went over his head, and when I left the conversation with my tail in between my legs he apologized, I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I understand why he is so guarded and where he's at emotionally. I'm even okay with that. I feel like realistically with the things I know now we are very much in the same place being damaged and all. But I could love him. I didn't think I could before.
I was emotionally drained and even more fucked than I am now. Now I just want consistency. Now I don't want to trap him or tie him down or anything like that, I am very much happy with him the way things are. I like the mystery of it. I like the intrigue, and the magic of getting to actually know him.
The last night we hung out, I got snuggles. I got hot and heavy make out session. I got dry humping in his bed and rubbing his neck and it started off with me just going into his room and laying in his bed drunk, and then calling him into lay with me, he did, my legs wrapped around him, and face to face while I softly stroked his neck, and then softly started kissing the side of his face until I made my way to his mouth. And from there, hot and heavy face sucking. We talked too. I asked him if he realized how fiercely loyal I was. He started crying at one point. Burring his face in my chest apologizing. I held him. I liked holding him and telling him it was okay. I'm just not a girl who is full of betrayal. After that he did some crazy painful wrestling move on me. He was drunk and playful... I allowed it.
Then we went back and hung out with everyone else at his house. I also wanted to leave at one point and he his my keys with one of his roommates. It took me nearly an hour of begging them to get them back. Then he walked me to my car and was talking. I looked at him and told him to shut up and kiss me. Oh boy did he. God his mouth is like for real magical. I don't know if we had never made out before, I remember kissing him and not really being into it, I'm kinda mad at myself I wasted my time not doing it.
I'm a firm believer men kiss how they fuck... I did even ask at one point during the bedroom makeout session if he had a condom... he didn't. Probably for the best with my little fast ass getting turned on so much by it. MMMMMMmmmmmm. So serious.
I did admit I may have of manipulated him into hanging out with me a couple times before that. We were leaving the bar and I forgot how it got brought up but I asked him if he hit me up that night I was with his friend Lexie because he saw the picture I posted on FB. He said yes and asked why? I instantly changed my mind about and told him if I told him then he would always wonder and then I would have to overthink his overthinking and that's so much work and I honestly just want what I want and it shouldn't have to be that difficult.
He made me tell him anyways. I explained I wanted to hang out with him and I knew if I posted the picture that I was with Lex that he would see it and hit me up, and I had actually did my hair and nails before Lexie even had agreed to hang out with me because my intention the entire time was just to hangout with him and I shouldn't have to manipulate him to gt what I want I should just be able to say I want to hang out.
I think he was more impressed than anything.
I like him. It's been 7 years. I am a lot different than I was before. And even though we're hanging out all the time, we aren't dating. So I get all the good and none of the bad. And he is fucking awesome. Like funny, sexy, smart, adventurous, insightful, entertaining.
And I found out he used to live right down the street from me growing up for a little while. Like he's somehow always cosmically so close to me. I believe in fate. I believe in God and the universe and even though the chances are ridiculously small... I do believe in love. And I do believe maybe after all this time, if we keep finding our way to one another that he could be it. He doesn't like change, neither do I. He has a lot of the same values and interests even though we are polar opposites...
We kind of go together like Ying and Yang. I don't even find myself remotely interested in seeing anyone else. I don't have the heart to do it. I find myself intrinsically ready for him. And rather than acting out when he says or does something that upsets me, I make the grownup choice of being very clear and honest with him. So far so good.
I could love him. Something in me says I already do and yet I've never been more okay with going slow with something in my entire life. I don't want him to run, I want him to feel safe, secure, and know if he ever decides to love me again, I am not only worth it, but he will have a lions love. Protective of his heart, and his mind, loyal, giving and kind, and honest. I want what I missed out on the other two times when we were both too stupid.
The best thing I could ever say... Is only time will tell.
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