Grow the fuck up me

I went and filled out all the paperwork for new job. It will be sporadic work so I'll have to maintain current job status as well

Hopefully it can lead to me leaving the serving industry and possible long term implications.

Talked with Ed. He keeps telling me to relax. I let him know I wasn't worried about the work, just about seeing him, and the very discouraging look he has burnt into my soul with his face and that's what I'm afraid of.

I really can't bare that look in him anymore. I think admitting that to him though he got a good chuckle out of, and it's going to be okay.

Mario asked me to go to a haunted house. I need more details. I'm not sure if it's a date because we did just do the whole sexting thing... And we do get along great.... Or just because I'm fun... I could believe it's either.

And River... Still nearly daily checking on me, and she really is adorable. Can't wait for our date, but I don't know if I can not have sex with her. She told me she's a squirter if you know what you're doing... I'm a woman... of course I know what I'm doing... And she's super artistic and creative...

In my head I wonder if I can just convince everyone to join into a giant poly situation where I'm the main squeeze, an they can see one another too, not without me, I just need to be the main focus.

This is why I wonder if I'm ready for dating yet. Giant orgies played out in head and me getting everything I want in life are what circle my brain. Melissa's secret life previous sex addiction may becoming unraveled.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I wonder too if that's my bigger fear. Hurting Ed again. I hate myself for doing it before. And I know he's single. And when we talked after 3 whole years I think we both agreed we grew up a lot. And he did say he'd like to reintroduce himself... I'm not sure what these things mean.... I'm a weirdo but I do say whatever I'm thinking, there is no room for discernment. There is no vague in my vocabulary. It is what it is. Creep or not. Does that mean he may want to date again?

Ed does really have a lot of really great qualities. Seriously, biggest heart, and funny, and loves the spotlight, tall, handsome, older, goofball. He's active and loves music and the outdoors. He's a party in a person. Although, I'd be happy if he calmed down a little. Ed's affectionate too. Huge animal lover, like equal to me, except he still eats them. My brain doesn't stop but in my defense, I've been pent up a long time. And my mind is a minefield of sexual frustration.

I haven't written for my book since I talked to him. Like I fucked up my whole mojo with this shit.

This is where rage demon sexual out of control monster who at 33 should be ready to settle down now wonders if I should fully explode and lose all control or hide deeper within the depths of my own soul not hurt anyone..

I should be ready to settle down, I really think most of the time I am, in my own way. Or at least have a healthy relationship with someone who eventually wants the same thing as me. Soup when sick. Snuggles. Books. Lots and lots and lots of books. Tea and footsie on rainy days. Midnight adventures. Cartoons. Conversations about space and time, and theoretical physics. Paint. Words. Kayaking. Caves. Parachutes. Wind in our faces. Dogs. Someone who will let me pop their bumps without complaint. Occasionally go to church (even if he doesn't agree) Marriage one day. Trust. Stories. Scotch and cigars. Communication. Sleeping in late and calling into work once in a while for sex. Deviant sex. Lots and lots of deviant sex. Someone who irritates me in the good ways. Grabs my ass when I walk by. Throwing things at me while I'm working. Someone who wants my attention as much as I want to give it to them. Someone who when I'm pissed off just grabs me, pushes me against the wall and kisses me and forces me to shut up. Someone who doesn't care I curse like a sailor. And that I'm a brat who ultimately needs someone stronger than me to put me in my place. Like a caveman. Brute. Someone who loves the smell of a bonfire and a good beer. I need someone to listen to vinyl with. Not just anything either. Classics. Sinatra, and BB king. I want someone who loves the blues. Who will sing to me when I'm mad. Who doesn't care that I have a Rick and Morty figurine collection. Who doesn't bitch when I steal all of his t-shirts or hoodies. Who likes to get out of the house but also likes to stay in. I want no phone locks, ignoring calls, I'm the most important thing at that given moment love. I want someone who wants to learn things with me. Like another language, or build stuff with. Like maybe birdhouses. I want funny faces in the car and equal amounts of obnoxious and quiet admiration. I want someone to ride a bike through Spain with. To climb to the top of Nepal and meet monks with. To meditate in Tibet with. To live.

These are the things my soul craves. These are things I'm not sure if everyone desires, or if it's only my wish list. I want to enjoy life with someone, not just survive it.

Dear God, I would really be lying if I said I wish Tom wasn't/or won't randomly fall in love with me. He's hot, and smart, and funny, those things are very attractive.. But at this point in my life, I am aware that's not the case, and very very very unlikely. But seeings how the eye only see's something like 1% of what's around us... if you could do your daughter down here a big favor and pull some invisible strings... that's what's up pops.

But if that never happens, (ehhh) then could you/ or regardless if he does actually, either way, pretty please with a cherry on top not let me hurt Ed in anyway. As his friend, if more happens, I mean frankly in general, I really think despite the fact he doesn't believe in you, that he's still an awesome human. Don't let me fuck it up.......again.. Also... in the same respect, could you please not let him turn into a blind rage jealous monster that will explode in front of my friends and family, or at work now too? That'll be great.

Also if you could just give me some cliff notes on why Ed is in my life again that would clear up a lot of my mental capacity and maybe let me get back to working on my outline. I need the brain space. I need all the brain space I can get.

On a lighter note, I think a few curators really are starting to like me, and my work. At least my submissions are getting some laughs and attention. Even though it's not my book, it's a book I can be a part of that's already been purchased by Harper Design.... I can get dollars.... And the more of my work they put into it.. the more dollars come.

My brain matter hurts. Damn.

Shut up and don't text him

Just don't do it. Why do you want to feel like an asshole? You are really good at that already. If he wanted to talk to you he would.

Labored conversation trying to hurry up and move passed something isn't going to help. It's only going to make it worse. One more day until I can get this awkward out.

In my head, and in knowing him, it could be a hug or a high five when we see each other face to face. I feel like the hug could be dangerous. Over exposing beaten down feelings.

Like  I want to ask him what's he's doing and maybe get it out of the way before work. I know he would be polite. Regardless. But I need firm established boundaries as a habitual line stepper.

I think he thinks I'm nervous about the job. Not at all, I'm sure that will be no problem and I actually am looking forward to doing something different again.

It's him that is terrifying. Seeing his face for the first time after all the hurt we both displayed. After all the laughter. All the adventures. All the shenanigans. I couldn't even bring myself to go disc golfing after too afraid I would run into him.

His looks etched into my skin and I had seen them all. So when he first looks at me, and he will try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and he is, there will be a hidden look of disappointment underneath his false smile.

I have seen that look too many times before. He has a lot of very good ones too. I'm equally afraid with measure to be caught in those. To not be who I was before when he was attracted to me. Maybe more damaged now. Not being nearly as hot. What if I get a look of disgust? What if he finds me completely repulsive and then I have to go back and wonder why the universe has him in my path again...

More philosophical debates with myself. Years of restructuring. I'm such a hot mess of a person.

My plagues

So as adults we often fuck up. For me maybe more so than most, I was doomed born into chaos.

I while writing for the book yesterday rehashed a lot of old relationships. Most I have with what I think of as a healthy mentality now.

One has continued to haunt me some. Not in a way where I think I could ever easily describe in words the emotions I feel. I did have a lot of love for him. Confused already being in another nonexclusive relationship with Fake Cancer.

This guy always treated me like a fucking princess. I had never in my life been treated the way he did. Benga provided, I say that because he worked damn hard, but our life was always confusing too. It wasn't confusing in the same way with Ed.

Ed wanted to go out with me, he showed me off, he made sure I had fun. And more than that he fucking terrified me. I'd like to think we broke up twice never have officially being together. They were still break ups.

The way we left things the last time was ugly. Human ugly. Faulted and gross. I was so angry with him for doing what he did that night. The way he treated me. And the more time went on, the more I hated myself for the way I treated him.

He laid in bed one night and looked at me and told me he could love me, if I wanted him to, he tried to, the older I get I know that. We were both messes. I was so used to not being loved, so used to just reacting and not looking to settle down waiting on fake cancer. I was having the time of my life with Ed. He made me happy. He treated my fucked up family and all my friends with extreme kindness. He had a huge heart. Always a show boater. But I kept looking passed him thinking I was waiting on Neal.

When I say we left things a mess, I mean he embarrassed me for the second time in front of my family and friends drunk and disrespected me so hard that I blocked him for years.

But all these years, I still think about him from time to time. So I muster up the courage last night to apologize, I should say before he did this for the second time, (which were never just small inconveniences but monstrosities of events unfolding) a week before I got myself in trouble and lost about $2,500 of his money after he just lent me hundreds of dollars to fix my car. And me trying to hurry up and pay him back was how I ended up with a gun pointed at my head stupidly.

I tell him I'm sure he hates me, and I don't blame him at all, but for the part of my story he is, I'm grateful because I stopped doing dumb ass shit. And that I hope he's well, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry I was always damaged, even now always wondering if I'm too damaged to love.

I didn't think he would read it. I waited over an hour checking periodically. He did. He wrote back.

He apologized to me for the things he put me through. He was falling very much in love with me and having just gone through his divorce, it fucked him up equally. That he thinks about me from time to time too.

I'm not near as hot as I used to be. I don't even know if we could ever go there again anyways. I'm still a hot mess putting myself together, he told me he basically is too, but maintaining.

The thing that has always fucked my head up about him is this. Both times in my life, right before we started dating, I asked the universe to give me love. I was ready for it. To take me seriously. I wasn't expecting him. And after his first jealous drunk fuck up meeting my family we didn't speak for a year. And I spoke with the heavens and asked again, within a week I randomly run into him at a gas station.

I'm not saying he's my soul mate. I'm not saying we're meant to be together. I'm saying for years, I know that I did this man wrong and he and who he was in my life has helped immensely shape the person I am today. That I know he was good to me, and happiness, more so than love, scares me.

I can deal with shit. I can bitch and moan, and glide through it, but happiness, real happiness always seems so far up on the ladder that if I ever really climb that high, I'm afraid that it will be too far down that I won't be able to get up again.

I'm not afraid of love. Love is flawed and gross, and dangerous, and full of misfortune. But happiness, I don't know what that is. That's my unicorn in life.

I'm not sure if Ed is my unicorn. I'm sure he will always terrify me in that way..

But for now, I'm grateful I was able to say I'm sorry, and that after all this time, I know he's good. He deserved at the very least after everything he did for me to know that. That I admit I fucked up.

To know he did make me feel good.He always made me feel beautiful. Likely why I was frightened by him.

Productivity .... Is hard with ADHD

Even sick I finished two chapters yesterday. That is hella good. I did do a chapter today. I called off work again. I may even need to go back to the hospital. I may not even have a job anymore. I'm nearly certain that's the case.

Can't help I can't breathe. But I can sit down in front of the laptop and do some writing. My article is still being featured. Kind a huge deal considering most of the features are illustrations and art related. The fact my writing made it makes me feel capable.

I started another chapter today. A second one because I did write the chapter "The Clusterfuck of a Nymphomaniac" and then to make sense out of it it made sense to do the Neal chapter next. He was referred to ask Fake cancer so many times during my freedom of oppression vaginal rage that it made sense he was the next chapter. Explaining my damages. Explaining how after everything I was able to give it all up. Put the sex addict in me away and try to attempt to live a normal life. Why I had to after his extreme narcissistic traits.

Things I'm still healing from. Not wanting to be the monster he is to the rest of the world. I have two pages done. Not even the tip of the iceberg. And I'm emotionally drained form it. I don't think I could have the chapter missing. It is about me, my life, and for three terribly long drawn out years and escapades of me bending over backwards it happened.

As much as he would be the person I would eternal sunshine out of my mind, It's not possible and pieces of my story make zero sense without this chapter. So while I spent the day painstakingly going through a ton of other bitter romances, and at some times... arousing myself rehashing my sexual escapades, I got 13 pages of chapter 3 done.

I talked to my friend Sarah who is published through Random House, and got some advice from her. I also think since my article is a feature for a book picked up by Harper Design, I can stick to my timeline. My outline, and I can do this. I am capable. I am able. I am fucked up and I believe being honest about it other people will feel slightly better about being fucked up too.

It's the ugly truth. The real crappy things I've done and lied about. The drugs, the sex, the depths. The abuse, the wasting of myself. My hopes my dreams.

He even now, looking back at all the things I've done in my life and the sorted oddness they have came with, he is the most exhausting. I really do believe he is evil. To this day. Evil.

I think I may have to go back and finish his chapter at the end. To not suck me dry from the rest of the book.

It was ugly. More than broken just harsh. A story needed to be told for anyone else living though the same situation. So they know those chains are breakable.

Nothing to masturbate with that material.

I got my first FEATURE

So one of the curators of the book I was talking about in the post right below this one... MADE ME A FEATURE!!!

I'm like a geeked little kid again going to the warped tour. YAS.

So I don't know if anyone who would reads this possibly understands the depths of how cool it is in a fraction of a second to reach billions of people with your words, but I'm ecstatic. Like freaking out.

I screen shot her comment when she did it....

I'm not asking you on a date

So I asked the physics guy to hang out... It wasn't a date. I actually was mostly afraid of doing this thing by myself and I needed his brains. And it's something we discussed. So he's in. Let's hope some time next week I'm multidimensional.

While he's hot he'a kinda flaky. Not really my thing. Clearly I'm nowhere near relationship ready anyways. I made sure to specify I'm not asking you on a date...... Good ol grim Melissa... Just trying to transcend space and time and shit..

I did adult things today. Laundry, cleaning, mowing the yard. While I know I'm not near dating ready, I need to do something to kill my time. I've been looking for jobs in my field and holy fuck does the little pay make me want to blow my brains out. I need dollars and I hate dollars. Why does it not pay nearly enough to do the really important things in life? Mentoring kids. Urban youth being my specialty. I love doing it, but it doesn't pay the bills. I'm looking at jobs and McDonalds would pay more.

I seriously just want be a travel writer at this point. And fuck vacation destinations, I want to go hang gliding from Everest and write about that shit. I need to go back to school just for the credentials... Fuck me. Someone pay me to go places and do crazy shit. I still love kids, but I can write about them too. In other places. I want that life. Following photographers up snowy hills, snowboarding in Russia, Going to Indian or African Elephant sanctuaries. Trekking along side children and explaining their daily struggle to get water. I want to Jump out of planes everyday for the rest of my life. Recycle plastic and make homes in Puerto Rico, rebuild.

I want more than this. My soul is uneasy. I want to bang my face into a brick wall. I don't care I don't have a person to do this with, I'm not afraid to do these things alone. But to get money to do these things I have to settle for below slave wages and maintain responsibilities here. I can't do what I have to do and what I want. And my adult ADHD can't function thinking about spending my whole life working away to try to afford my dreams.

Money does't solve problems, but just today I feel like it would solve mine. I just need enough to do all the above. Or if someone knows someone who's looking for a travel writer with zero experience... I just need my expenses paid. I'll leave everything behind... minus the kids. Maybe sometimes I'll leave them behind too. lol

But my dog comes with. for ground adventures at least. God save the Queen. I need a new good book too. Maybe my brain needs to shut up with someone else's words.

We Don't Care about Rules

I've been restless. A stirring of my soul. My dog has been too. I take her on an extra long walk. Where I decide to march right into the store with her and if anyone says anything I'm going with.. She's a service animal. We walk in, no one says anything until we get to the counter. The cashier goes is that your pup?

Yes. and I yell out abruptly "We don't care about rules" ... So much for the planned excuse I was going to use. So we walk the beach side home. There has always been a closed at dusk sign, and no no pet rule.... But it's me we are talking about here. So I walk up to the chain and try to get her to go under it first. She hesitated. So I cross over, unhook her leash from her harness and she follows suit. This girl is geeked. She needed to get that excess energy out. And we live nine blocks down from the main beach where we broke in so she lets loose. Even better, it's low tide. So I hike up my pants and start walking through the water. We get back to the beach in front of my house and take her harness off. Now for some reason, and I've tried many times, she has never wanted to have anything to do with the water... my Lenny Love goes ham. Starts chasing a crane, going a quarter mile down away from me. It's a pretty secluded area. Most of the residents follow the rules. I'm not one of them. So I let her gallop through the lake for about 15 minute and then have to pick my 70 pound baby girl up and help her over the breaker wall.

I don't know why in life, but I have always been a habitual line stepper as I like to call it. Everything is dull and mundane and so set in stone. Even when I sleep on the beach at night, it's against the law. I'm sure anyone who walks the walkway in front of my house and sees me at 2 am fast asleep with my pillow and blankets thinks I'm crazy anyway, but they all leave me alone.

I need a sense of danger to feel calm. It could be my A.D.D. but you know it could just be the rest of the world tends to be to fucking boring and we only live once. When I sleep on the beach though, I feel one with the entire universe. Like the cosmos are some of my only real best friends. I feel whole.
Now scientifically we really do break down to star dust. Maybe it's a call of my atoms to quiet them. No city lights, so the stars illuminate like I'm sleeping under a kaleidoscope of diamonds. The waves as my background meditation music.

I say fuck houses man... just sleep on a beach. And start breaking rules. Adventure is good for the soul. 


and not that they are great pics but here's my Lenny Love in the lake.