Shut up and don't text him

Just don't do it. Why do you want to feel like an asshole? You are really good at that already. If he wanted to talk to you he would.

Labored conversation trying to hurry up and move passed something isn't going to help. It's only going to make it worse. One more day until I can get this awkward out.

In my head, and in knowing him, it could be a hug or a high five when we see each other face to face. I feel like the hug could be dangerous. Over exposing beaten down feelings.

Like  I want to ask him what's he's doing and maybe get it out of the way before work. I know he would be polite. Regardless. But I need firm established boundaries as a habitual line stepper.

I think he thinks I'm nervous about the job. Not at all, I'm sure that will be no problem and I actually am looking forward to doing something different again.

It's him that is terrifying. Seeing his face for the first time after all the hurt we both displayed. After all the laughter. All the adventures. All the shenanigans. I couldn't even bring myself to go disc golfing after too afraid I would run into him.

His looks etched into my skin and I had seen them all. So when he first looks at me, and he will try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and he is, there will be a hidden look of disappointment underneath his false smile.

I have seen that look too many times before. He has a lot of very good ones too. I'm equally afraid with measure to be caught in those. To not be who I was before when he was attracted to me. Maybe more damaged now. Not being nearly as hot. What if I get a look of disgust? What if he finds me completely repulsive and then I have to go back and wonder why the universe has him in my path again...

More philosophical debates with myself. Years of restructuring. I'm such a hot mess of a person.

The faces I make

I've had an hour of sleep. A lifetime to be a weirdo. Time to tweak out on our adderall because we can't function without it and we're on something like I dunno 4 hours of sleep in the last 72?

My pupils are dilated.

I feel like a retard for yesterday. I really do wish sometimes I could remember what it felt like to be normal.

Although in blogging yesterday I did come to a comparison about Ed/Tom. Very much both the qualities of men I enjoy.

Maybe that's why the Tom thing bothered me so much. I know what it's like to be with  an older man who relishes in life and the same things you do while still being starkly different.

The fineness. The contrast. The imagination. It's limitless. It's bold. 

I need m brain to think of other things today. I need my brain to not sit here and make funny faces at myself in my own reflection to detour from my outline. I need my brain to not make up entire conversations between my cats for them. Although, it is an intriguing part of my day. Seriously.

I have a cat that I got as a kitten, she was a single barn cat some painters found and brought into my job at the time looking for supplies for her. I took her sight unseen. Thought she was a boy and named her Neptune. Funny enough after I brought her home and then we thought she was a girl, she was feral, and not nice unless you were going to feed or hold her, so we changed her name to Melissa. But then and I'm not sure why or how we thought she was a boy again and it went back to Neptune. Didn't ever pay enough attention until two years later she was knocked up.

I have another cat named Herman. Herman was part of a whole litter I ended up with from a pregnant Momma, Now Benga's cat KitKAt. She had five babies, I was already hand feeding 5 other's from two different litters. Then her entire litter ended up with ring worm.The vet tried to convince me to put them down. Telling me shelters wouldn't take them and it's could take forever to get rid of. And it did, I had to buy special shampoo and give them bathes twice a day, and bleach everything in our house all the time. Herman was the first born from his mom and the second I looked at him he looked like a nerd named Herman. At the height of his infection even my Nana was trying to talk me into maybe putting him down. Giant bald spots hiding, rubbed in creams and meds all the time.

I couldn't do it. I eventually found an oral medicine, it cleared up and he was the last one left out of his litter. I had grown pretty attached to the fool.

So Neptune is an indoor/outdoor cat. Everyone is fixed. Herman is strictly inside. Neptune comes in the house to eat and he stalks her. Not hissing or being a jerk, but like he maybe genuinely is never going to give up trying to be her friend no matter how much she dislikes him. And she does dislike him. She hisses and wants to be left alone.

We have a 3 tier glass entertainment stand. She's behind the TV, and he just jumps up on the second shelf right below her, watching her get mad... remaining calm the whole time. I think he knows that hes antagonistic. It's hilarious. Half my day is spent yelling Herman!!! leave her alone!! stop being a jerk! She does not want to be your friend! Stop Following Her!

So as I have no life now, I often narrate the interweaving lives of my cats. As I wrote that I realized I am a crazy cat lady.

This is what I've amounted too. Shit. If I don't hoard them does that take away part of the crazy aspect? I think it should. Well maintained cats. Spoiled. Shifty personalities, the dog gets along with them all.


Officially blogging about my pet life.. This is what kills my time. conversations with myself between a human and a screen and fake conversations and parodies of pets.

And we're all just floating around on a dying rock in the middle of space (not actually the middle though, just metaphorically) in an endless sea of self devotion and ego.

That's the human experience

. 

Where's my ambition? Seriously I think I lost it in the war...

No real writing done today. Still sick. Still Insomnia. I did manage 3 hours in last night so that was nice. I need to go back to the hospital. I start new job on Thursday... should probably be able to breathe to do that.

Thanks to old lover. I'm most certain he would like me to pay him the thousands of doll hairs I owe him, and rightfully so... I mean work/hard work has never scared me.

But I know how different I am now. I know that I've basically been a life hermit for years and I've been pulling my face skin down, pulling the bottoms of my eyes half way down my face, all day trying to get comfortable with the thought of seeing him. I'm such a freak of a human being now.

First of all... years to suck it up and just say I'm sorry. Clearly I have pride issues. That was all I thought it was going to entail. But then he throws out a job offer, making decent money and  not serving people ranch. Possibly get a little manual labor in? Its like getting paid to exercise which is the only way I may do it. But I need to none the less. And it does seem like a cool job anyway. I am a jack of all trades. It's been time for the switch up.

I tried to talk to him a bunch today. I feel like a super creep about it now. I mean I always feel like a fucking creep anyway, but extra more so today. My biggest life problem is I don't talk to other adults much anymore so I don't actually know when to shut the fuck up when I do. Anxiety my best friend everyone. Obsessively think about that.

I almost text him grim statistics. I didn't. I don't think the fact I restrained myself from doing so should be a point of pride for me either? He says it will all be fine. I assured him, after prying into his private life....( fuck me right?) .. and not even casually.. just with a hey, so I know its not any of my business, and I really don't have the right to ask... but are you seeing anyone....

Then the awkward super awkward comes out... Just trying to mentally prepare myself for any scenario... Admitting that through text. Hey glad you're totally cool with all of this, but me... I'm panicking. Seriously... on a one to ten freak out scale ten being the most freaked out... like 100.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't my brain function like regular yo?

I tried to ask if he was going in the same time as me, I was going to bring him breakfast or coffee as a thank you, I think I already spent way too much time making it super odd. I didn't tell him why I was asking and he told me he was going to bed ... bleak. 😖

I wish I had the strength to smash my own face in with a brick right now. I don't know why I cant form real people sentences and thoughts? Why have I alluded this mess for so long and now with a heightened sense of awareness and I overly accosting it?

You know Brain, just shut up. Just shut up brain. He just wants his money back. If I keep it at that than my brain won't try to over produce simulations of possible outcomes of this.

I was insecure before when we dated. His ex wife was hot, I thought I was regular back then. I'm now three years hiding in my house, giving up my cardio sex routine and living like a nerd.

My sexual exploits stay in my head now. Or at least kinda, they stay here on the blog too, but they are fake scenarios made up in my head. I'm sooooo not his type anymore. I'm going to be nervous for the next two days about this.

Telling myself not to text him. Not to keep making a bigger ass out of myself. Stop pulling on your eyelid skin Melissa.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he's this nice? Seriously? Oh you apologized t me, throw out my name and get this job setting up areas making nearly $20 an hour..

He's so damn different than anyone.... he's smart, and eccentric, and talented, and funny, and a gentleman, and kind, and he reads... I always liked that he was smart.

My brain needs to not go there. Like stop brain. Please. Stop Brain.

We are so different in so many ways too. He's politically the opposite. Which is extreme for me. Hardcore. He supports trump and his last name alone should be why he doesn't but he does. He's basically a carnivore. Which is odd because he loves nature and animals.

I hate my brain in already attempting to daydream. I wanted to ask how his sister was. I'm sure his family hates me. God it was ugly when we split.

I feel like the incredibly shrinking woman thinking about all of this. So small. Like his kindness should be self serving, and even though that's what my brain wants me to believe, I know that's not who he is. I know he's both tactical and sensitive.

No day dreams. No day dreams. No more messing shit up Melissa. You said you wanted time with you. You basically left Neal and Him, moved to Flint in the middle of a water crisis, busted your ass for months to get out, to move back to Toledo, and then have Benga come along, and give so much of you this shell of a person is all you have left. You got nothing Kid. Nothing!

Melissa, you have philosophical debates with yourself. You sometimes/ most of the time don't even get out of your pajamas. The highlight of your year was going off on two different bosses because you were tired of being a doormat. You jumped out of a plane. You want to see the world. You're writing again. While financially this is a great opportunity,  don't fuck it up by falling in love. You just lost everything because you fell in love. You still have to get shit back before you can lose it again. You haven't recovered those losses. Have yet to recoup.

He doesn't want to work with you because he wants to fall madly in love.

Stop thinking about kissing him now.
Stop it Melissa.
Fuck Brain come on.

You know he doesn't want the same things as you. Yes he has adventure in his heart, he doesn't ever want to be married again. Something he made very clear before. OMG stop you're that far ahead and you haven't looked at him yet. It's crazy. Stop. He's not freaking out. He's not worried. He likely thinks you're fucking mental already.

Dated off and on for two years, and now he knows I'm crazy??.. go fucking figure. The things you can disguise in the midst of desire. I hate that I'm such a freak.

Fuck. 

I got my first FEATURE

So one of the curators of the book I was talking about in the post right below this one... MADE ME A FEATURE!!!

I'm like a geeked little kid again going to the warped tour. YAS.

So I don't know if anyone who would reads this possibly understands the depths of how cool it is in a fraction of a second to reach billions of people with your words, but I'm ecstatic. Like freaking out.

I screen shot her comment when she did it....

I'm not asking you on a date

So I asked the physics guy to hang out... It wasn't a date. I actually was mostly afraid of doing this thing by myself and I needed his brains. And it's something we discussed. So he's in. Let's hope some time next week I'm multidimensional.

While he's hot he'a kinda flaky. Not really my thing. Clearly I'm nowhere near relationship ready anyways. I made sure to specify I'm not asking you on a date...... Good ol grim Melissa... Just trying to transcend space and time and shit..

I did adult things today. Laundry, cleaning, mowing the yard. While I know I'm not near dating ready, I need to do something to kill my time. I've been looking for jobs in my field and holy fuck does the little pay make me want to blow my brains out. I need dollars and I hate dollars. Why does it not pay nearly enough to do the really important things in life? Mentoring kids. Urban youth being my specialty. I love doing it, but it doesn't pay the bills. I'm looking at jobs and McDonalds would pay more.

I seriously just want be a travel writer at this point. And fuck vacation destinations, I want to go hang gliding from Everest and write about that shit. I need to go back to school just for the credentials... Fuck me. Someone pay me to go places and do crazy shit. I still love kids, but I can write about them too. In other places. I want that life. Following photographers up snowy hills, snowboarding in Russia, Going to Indian or African Elephant sanctuaries. Trekking along side children and explaining their daily struggle to get water. I want to Jump out of planes everyday for the rest of my life. Recycle plastic and make homes in Puerto Rico, rebuild.

I want more than this. My soul is uneasy. I want to bang my face into a brick wall. I don't care I don't have a person to do this with, I'm not afraid to do these things alone. But to get money to do these things I have to settle for below slave wages and maintain responsibilities here. I can't do what I have to do and what I want. And my adult ADHD can't function thinking about spending my whole life working away to try to afford my dreams.

Money does't solve problems, but just today I feel like it would solve mine. I just need enough to do all the above. Or if someone knows someone who's looking for a travel writer with zero experience... I just need my expenses paid. I'll leave everything behind... minus the kids. Maybe sometimes I'll leave them behind too. lol

But my dog comes with. for ground adventures at least. God save the Queen. I need a new good book too. Maybe my brain needs to shut up with someone else's words.