Just don't do it. Why do you want to feel like an asshole? You are really good at that already. If he wanted to talk to you he would.
Labored conversation trying to hurry up and move passed something isn't going to help. It's only going to make it worse. One more day until I can get this awkward out.
In my head, and in knowing him, it could be a hug or a high five when we see each other face to face. I feel like the hug could be dangerous. Over exposing beaten down feelings.
Like I want to ask him what's he's doing and maybe get it out of the way before work. I know he would be polite. Regardless. But I need firm established boundaries as a habitual line stepper.
I think he thinks I'm nervous about the job. Not at all, I'm sure that will be no problem and I actually am looking forward to doing something different again.
It's him that is terrifying. Seeing his face for the first time after all the hurt we both displayed. After all the laughter. All the adventures. All the shenanigans. I couldn't even bring myself to go disc golfing after too afraid I would run into him.
His looks etched into my skin and I had seen them all. So when he first looks at me, and he will try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and he is, there will be a hidden look of disappointment underneath his false smile.
I have seen that look too many times before. He has a lot of very good ones too. I'm equally afraid with measure to be caught in those. To not be who I was before when he was attracted to me. Maybe more damaged now. Not being nearly as hot. What if I get a look of disgust? What if he finds me completely repulsive and then I have to go back and wonder why the universe has him in my path again...
More philosophical debates with myself. Years of restructuring. I'm such a hot mess of a person.
Labored conversation trying to hurry up and move passed something isn't going to help. It's only going to make it worse. One more day until I can get this awkward out.
In my head, and in knowing him, it could be a hug or a high five when we see each other face to face. I feel like the hug could be dangerous. Over exposing beaten down feelings.
Like I want to ask him what's he's doing and maybe get it out of the way before work. I know he would be polite. Regardless. But I need firm established boundaries as a habitual line stepper.
I think he thinks I'm nervous about the job. Not at all, I'm sure that will be no problem and I actually am looking forward to doing something different again.
It's him that is terrifying. Seeing his face for the first time after all the hurt we both displayed. After all the laughter. All the adventures. All the shenanigans. I couldn't even bring myself to go disc golfing after too afraid I would run into him.
His looks etched into my skin and I had seen them all. So when he first looks at me, and he will try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and he is, there will be a hidden look of disappointment underneath his false smile.
I have seen that look too many times before. He has a lot of very good ones too. I'm equally afraid with measure to be caught in those. To not be who I was before when he was attracted to me. Maybe more damaged now. Not being nearly as hot. What if I get a look of disgust? What if he finds me completely repulsive and then I have to go back and wonder why the universe has him in my path again...
More philosophical debates with myself. Years of restructuring. I'm such a hot mess of a person.
No comments:
Post a Comment