Grow the fuck up me

I went and filled out all the paperwork for new job. It will be sporadic work so I'll have to maintain current job status as well

Hopefully it can lead to me leaving the serving industry and possible long term implications.

Talked with Ed. He keeps telling me to relax. I let him know I wasn't worried about the work, just about seeing him, and the very discouraging look he has burnt into my soul with his face and that's what I'm afraid of.

I really can't bare that look in him anymore. I think admitting that to him though he got a good chuckle out of, and it's going to be okay.

Mario asked me to go to a haunted house. I need more details. I'm not sure if it's a date because we did just do the whole sexting thing... And we do get along great.... Or just because I'm fun... I could believe it's either.

And River... Still nearly daily checking on me, and she really is adorable. Can't wait for our date, but I don't know if I can not have sex with her. She told me she's a squirter if you know what you're doing... I'm a woman... of course I know what I'm doing... And she's super artistic and creative...

In my head I wonder if I can just convince everyone to join into a giant poly situation where I'm the main squeeze, an they can see one another too, not without me, I just need to be the main focus.

This is why I wonder if I'm ready for dating yet. Giant orgies played out in head and me getting everything I want in life are what circle my brain. Melissa's secret life previous sex addiction may becoming unraveled.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I wonder too if that's my bigger fear. Hurting Ed again. I hate myself for doing it before. And I know he's single. And when we talked after 3 whole years I think we both agreed we grew up a lot. And he did say he'd like to reintroduce himself... I'm not sure what these things mean.... I'm a weirdo but I do say whatever I'm thinking, there is no room for discernment. There is no vague in my vocabulary. It is what it is. Creep or not. Does that mean he may want to date again?

Ed does really have a lot of really great qualities. Seriously, biggest heart, and funny, and loves the spotlight, tall, handsome, older, goofball. He's active and loves music and the outdoors. He's a party in a person. Although, I'd be happy if he calmed down a little. Ed's affectionate too. Huge animal lover, like equal to me, except he still eats them. My brain doesn't stop but in my defense, I've been pent up a long time. And my mind is a minefield of sexual frustration.

I haven't written for my book since I talked to him. Like I fucked up my whole mojo with this shit.

This is where rage demon sexual out of control monster who at 33 should be ready to settle down now wonders if I should fully explode and lose all control or hide deeper within the depths of my own soul not hurt anyone..

I should be ready to settle down, I really think most of the time I am, in my own way. Or at least have a healthy relationship with someone who eventually wants the same thing as me. Soup when sick. Snuggles. Books. Lots and lots and lots of books. Tea and footsie on rainy days. Midnight adventures. Cartoons. Conversations about space and time, and theoretical physics. Paint. Words. Kayaking. Caves. Parachutes. Wind in our faces. Dogs. Someone who will let me pop their bumps without complaint. Occasionally go to church (even if he doesn't agree) Marriage one day. Trust. Stories. Scotch and cigars. Communication. Sleeping in late and calling into work once in a while for sex. Deviant sex. Lots and lots of deviant sex. Someone who irritates me in the good ways. Grabs my ass when I walk by. Throwing things at me while I'm working. Someone who wants my attention as much as I want to give it to them. Someone who when I'm pissed off just grabs me, pushes me against the wall and kisses me and forces me to shut up. Someone who doesn't care I curse like a sailor. And that I'm a brat who ultimately needs someone stronger than me to put me in my place. Like a caveman. Brute. Someone who loves the smell of a bonfire and a good beer. I need someone to listen to vinyl with. Not just anything either. Classics. Sinatra, and BB king. I want someone who loves the blues. Who will sing to me when I'm mad. Who doesn't care that I have a Rick and Morty figurine collection. Who doesn't bitch when I steal all of his t-shirts or hoodies. Who likes to get out of the house but also likes to stay in. I want no phone locks, ignoring calls, I'm the most important thing at that given moment love. I want someone who wants to learn things with me. Like another language, or build stuff with. Like maybe birdhouses. I want funny faces in the car and equal amounts of obnoxious and quiet admiration. I want someone to ride a bike through Spain with. To climb to the top of Nepal and meet monks with. To meditate in Tibet with. To live.

These are the things my soul craves. These are things I'm not sure if everyone desires, or if it's only my wish list. I want to enjoy life with someone, not just survive it.

Dear God, I would really be lying if I said I wish Tom wasn't/or won't randomly fall in love with me. He's hot, and smart, and funny, those things are very attractive.. But at this point in my life, I am aware that's not the case, and very very very unlikely. But seeings how the eye only see's something like 1% of what's around us... if you could do your daughter down here a big favor and pull some invisible strings... that's what's up pops.

But if that never happens, (ehhh) then could you/ or regardless if he does actually, either way, pretty please with a cherry on top not let me hurt Ed in anyway. As his friend, if more happens, I mean frankly in general, I really think despite the fact he doesn't believe in you, that he's still an awesome human. Don't let me fuck it up.......again.. Also... in the same respect, could you please not let him turn into a blind rage jealous monster that will explode in front of my friends and family, or at work now too? That'll be great.

Also if you could just give me some cliff notes on why Ed is in my life again that would clear up a lot of my mental capacity and maybe let me get back to working on my outline. I need the brain space. I need all the brain space I can get.

On a lighter note, I think a few curators really are starting to like me, and my work. At least my submissions are getting some laughs and attention. Even though it's not my book, it's a book I can be a part of that's already been purchased by Harper Design.... I can get dollars.... And the more of my work they put into it.. the more dollars come.

My brain matter hurts. Damn.

Shut up and don't text him

Just don't do it. Why do you want to feel like an asshole? You are really good at that already. If he wanted to talk to you he would.

Labored conversation trying to hurry up and move passed something isn't going to help. It's only going to make it worse. One more day until I can get this awkward out.

In my head, and in knowing him, it could be a hug or a high five when we see each other face to face. I feel like the hug could be dangerous. Over exposing beaten down feelings.

Like  I want to ask him what's he's doing and maybe get it out of the way before work. I know he would be polite. Regardless. But I need firm established boundaries as a habitual line stepper.

I think he thinks I'm nervous about the job. Not at all, I'm sure that will be no problem and I actually am looking forward to doing something different again.

It's him that is terrifying. Seeing his face for the first time after all the hurt we both displayed. After all the laughter. All the adventures. All the shenanigans. I couldn't even bring myself to go disc golfing after too afraid I would run into him.

His looks etched into my skin and I had seen them all. So when he first looks at me, and he will try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and he is, there will be a hidden look of disappointment underneath his false smile.

I have seen that look too many times before. He has a lot of very good ones too. I'm equally afraid with measure to be caught in those. To not be who I was before when he was attracted to me. Maybe more damaged now. Not being nearly as hot. What if I get a look of disgust? What if he finds me completely repulsive and then I have to go back and wonder why the universe has him in my path again...

More philosophical debates with myself. Years of restructuring. I'm such a hot mess of a person.

The faces I make

I've had an hour of sleep. A lifetime to be a weirdo. Time to tweak out on our adderall because we can't function without it and we're on something like I dunno 4 hours of sleep in the last 72?

My pupils are dilated.

I feel like a retard for yesterday. I really do wish sometimes I could remember what it felt like to be normal.

Although in blogging yesterday I did come to a comparison about Ed/Tom. Very much both the qualities of men I enjoy.

Maybe that's why the Tom thing bothered me so much. I know what it's like to be with  an older man who relishes in life and the same things you do while still being starkly different.

The fineness. The contrast. The imagination. It's limitless. It's bold. 

I need m brain to think of other things today. I need my brain to not sit here and make funny faces at myself in my own reflection to detour from my outline. I need my brain to not make up entire conversations between my cats for them. Although, it is an intriguing part of my day. Seriously.

I have a cat that I got as a kitten, she was a single barn cat some painters found and brought into my job at the time looking for supplies for her. I took her sight unseen. Thought she was a boy and named her Neptune. Funny enough after I brought her home and then we thought she was a girl, she was feral, and not nice unless you were going to feed or hold her, so we changed her name to Melissa. But then and I'm not sure why or how we thought she was a boy again and it went back to Neptune. Didn't ever pay enough attention until two years later she was knocked up.

I have another cat named Herman. Herman was part of a whole litter I ended up with from a pregnant Momma, Now Benga's cat KitKAt. She had five babies, I was already hand feeding 5 other's from two different litters. Then her entire litter ended up with ring worm.The vet tried to convince me to put them down. Telling me shelters wouldn't take them and it's could take forever to get rid of. And it did, I had to buy special shampoo and give them bathes twice a day, and bleach everything in our house all the time. Herman was the first born from his mom and the second I looked at him he looked like a nerd named Herman. At the height of his infection even my Nana was trying to talk me into maybe putting him down. Giant bald spots hiding, rubbed in creams and meds all the time.

I couldn't do it. I eventually found an oral medicine, it cleared up and he was the last one left out of his litter. I had grown pretty attached to the fool.

So Neptune is an indoor/outdoor cat. Everyone is fixed. Herman is strictly inside. Neptune comes in the house to eat and he stalks her. Not hissing or being a jerk, but like he maybe genuinely is never going to give up trying to be her friend no matter how much she dislikes him. And she does dislike him. She hisses and wants to be left alone.

We have a 3 tier glass entertainment stand. She's behind the TV, and he just jumps up on the second shelf right below her, watching her get mad... remaining calm the whole time. I think he knows that hes antagonistic. It's hilarious. Half my day is spent yelling Herman!!! leave her alone!! stop being a jerk! She does not want to be your friend! Stop Following Her!

So as I have no life now, I often narrate the interweaving lives of my cats. As I wrote that I realized I am a crazy cat lady.

This is what I've amounted too. Shit. If I don't hoard them does that take away part of the crazy aspect? I think it should. Well maintained cats. Spoiled. Shifty personalities, the dog gets along with them all.


Officially blogging about my pet life.. This is what kills my time. conversations with myself between a human and a screen and fake conversations and parodies of pets.

And we're all just floating around on a dying rock in the middle of space (not actually the middle though, just metaphorically) in an endless sea of self devotion and ego.

That's the human experience

. 

Where's my ambition? Seriously I think I lost it in the war...

No real writing done today. Still sick. Still Insomnia. I did manage 3 hours in last night so that was nice. I need to go back to the hospital. I start new job on Thursday... should probably be able to breathe to do that.

Thanks to old lover. I'm most certain he would like me to pay him the thousands of doll hairs I owe him, and rightfully so... I mean work/hard work has never scared me.

But I know how different I am now. I know that I've basically been a life hermit for years and I've been pulling my face skin down, pulling the bottoms of my eyes half way down my face, all day trying to get comfortable with the thought of seeing him. I'm such a freak of a human being now.

First of all... years to suck it up and just say I'm sorry. Clearly I have pride issues. That was all I thought it was going to entail. But then he throws out a job offer, making decent money and  not serving people ranch. Possibly get a little manual labor in? Its like getting paid to exercise which is the only way I may do it. But I need to none the less. And it does seem like a cool job anyway. I am a jack of all trades. It's been time for the switch up.

I tried to talk to him a bunch today. I feel like a super creep about it now. I mean I always feel like a fucking creep anyway, but extra more so today. My biggest life problem is I don't talk to other adults much anymore so I don't actually know when to shut the fuck up when I do. Anxiety my best friend everyone. Obsessively think about that.

I almost text him grim statistics. I didn't. I don't think the fact I restrained myself from doing so should be a point of pride for me either? He says it will all be fine. I assured him, after prying into his private life....( fuck me right?) .. and not even casually.. just with a hey, so I know its not any of my business, and I really don't have the right to ask... but are you seeing anyone....

Then the awkward super awkward comes out... Just trying to mentally prepare myself for any scenario... Admitting that through text. Hey glad you're totally cool with all of this, but me... I'm panicking. Seriously... on a one to ten freak out scale ten being the most freaked out... like 100.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't my brain function like regular yo?

I tried to ask if he was going in the same time as me, I was going to bring him breakfast or coffee as a thank you, I think I already spent way too much time making it super odd. I didn't tell him why I was asking and he told me he was going to bed ... bleak. 😖

I wish I had the strength to smash my own face in with a brick right now. I don't know why I cant form real people sentences and thoughts? Why have I alluded this mess for so long and now with a heightened sense of awareness and I overly accosting it?

You know Brain, just shut up. Just shut up brain. He just wants his money back. If I keep it at that than my brain won't try to over produce simulations of possible outcomes of this.

I was insecure before when we dated. His ex wife was hot, I thought I was regular back then. I'm now three years hiding in my house, giving up my cardio sex routine and living like a nerd.

My sexual exploits stay in my head now. Or at least kinda, they stay here on the blog too, but they are fake scenarios made up in my head. I'm sooooo not his type anymore. I'm going to be nervous for the next two days about this.

Telling myself not to text him. Not to keep making a bigger ass out of myself. Stop pulling on your eyelid skin Melissa.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he's this nice? Seriously? Oh you apologized t me, throw out my name and get this job setting up areas making nearly $20 an hour..

He's so damn different than anyone.... he's smart, and eccentric, and talented, and funny, and a gentleman, and kind, and he reads... I always liked that he was smart.

My brain needs to not go there. Like stop brain. Please. Stop Brain.

We are so different in so many ways too. He's politically the opposite. Which is extreme for me. Hardcore. He supports trump and his last name alone should be why he doesn't but he does. He's basically a carnivore. Which is odd because he loves nature and animals.

I hate my brain in already attempting to daydream. I wanted to ask how his sister was. I'm sure his family hates me. God it was ugly when we split.

I feel like the incredibly shrinking woman thinking about all of this. So small. Like his kindness should be self serving, and even though that's what my brain wants me to believe, I know that's not who he is. I know he's both tactical and sensitive.

No day dreams. No day dreams. No more messing shit up Melissa. You said you wanted time with you. You basically left Neal and Him, moved to Flint in the middle of a water crisis, busted your ass for months to get out, to move back to Toledo, and then have Benga come along, and give so much of you this shell of a person is all you have left. You got nothing Kid. Nothing!

Melissa, you have philosophical debates with yourself. You sometimes/ most of the time don't even get out of your pajamas. The highlight of your year was going off on two different bosses because you were tired of being a doormat. You jumped out of a plane. You want to see the world. You're writing again. While financially this is a great opportunity,  don't fuck it up by falling in love. You just lost everything because you fell in love. You still have to get shit back before you can lose it again. You haven't recovered those losses. Have yet to recoup.

He doesn't want to work with you because he wants to fall madly in love.

Stop thinking about kissing him now.
Stop it Melissa.
Fuck Brain come on.

You know he doesn't want the same things as you. Yes he has adventure in his heart, he doesn't ever want to be married again. Something he made very clear before. OMG stop you're that far ahead and you haven't looked at him yet. It's crazy. Stop. He's not freaking out. He's not worried. He likely thinks you're fucking mental already.

Dated off and on for two years, and now he knows I'm crazy??.. go fucking figure. The things you can disguise in the midst of desire. I hate that I'm such a freak.

Fuck. 

My plagues

So as adults we often fuck up. For me maybe more so than most, I was doomed born into chaos.

I while writing for the book yesterday rehashed a lot of old relationships. Most I have with what I think of as a healthy mentality now.

One has continued to haunt me some. Not in a way where I think I could ever easily describe in words the emotions I feel. I did have a lot of love for him. Confused already being in another nonexclusive relationship with Fake Cancer.

This guy always treated me like a fucking princess. I had never in my life been treated the way he did. Benga provided, I say that because he worked damn hard, but our life was always confusing too. It wasn't confusing in the same way with Ed.

Ed wanted to go out with me, he showed me off, he made sure I had fun. And more than that he fucking terrified me. I'd like to think we broke up twice never have officially being together. They were still break ups.

The way we left things the last time was ugly. Human ugly. Faulted and gross. I was so angry with him for doing what he did that night. The way he treated me. And the more time went on, the more I hated myself for the way I treated him.

He laid in bed one night and looked at me and told me he could love me, if I wanted him to, he tried to, the older I get I know that. We were both messes. I was so used to not being loved, so used to just reacting and not looking to settle down waiting on fake cancer. I was having the time of my life with Ed. He made me happy. He treated my fucked up family and all my friends with extreme kindness. He had a huge heart. Always a show boater. But I kept looking passed him thinking I was waiting on Neal.

When I say we left things a mess, I mean he embarrassed me for the second time in front of my family and friends drunk and disrespected me so hard that I blocked him for years.

But all these years, I still think about him from time to time. So I muster up the courage last night to apologize, I should say before he did this for the second time, (which were never just small inconveniences but monstrosities of events unfolding) a week before I got myself in trouble and lost about $2,500 of his money after he just lent me hundreds of dollars to fix my car. And me trying to hurry up and pay him back was how I ended up with a gun pointed at my head stupidly.

I tell him I'm sure he hates me, and I don't blame him at all, but for the part of my story he is, I'm grateful because I stopped doing dumb ass shit. And that I hope he's well, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry I was always damaged, even now always wondering if I'm too damaged to love.

I didn't think he would read it. I waited over an hour checking periodically. He did. He wrote back.

He apologized to me for the things he put me through. He was falling very much in love with me and having just gone through his divorce, it fucked him up equally. That he thinks about me from time to time too.

I'm not near as hot as I used to be. I don't even know if we could ever go there again anyways. I'm still a hot mess putting myself together, he told me he basically is too, but maintaining.

The thing that has always fucked my head up about him is this. Both times in my life, right before we started dating, I asked the universe to give me love. I was ready for it. To take me seriously. I wasn't expecting him. And after his first jealous drunk fuck up meeting my family we didn't speak for a year. And I spoke with the heavens and asked again, within a week I randomly run into him at a gas station.

I'm not saying he's my soul mate. I'm not saying we're meant to be together. I'm saying for years, I know that I did this man wrong and he and who he was in my life has helped immensely shape the person I am today. That I know he was good to me, and happiness, more so than love, scares me.

I can deal with shit. I can bitch and moan, and glide through it, but happiness, real happiness always seems so far up on the ladder that if I ever really climb that high, I'm afraid that it will be too far down that I won't be able to get up again.

I'm not afraid of love. Love is flawed and gross, and dangerous, and full of misfortune. But happiness, I don't know what that is. That's my unicorn in life.

I'm not sure if Ed is my unicorn. I'm sure he will always terrify me in that way..

But for now, I'm grateful I was able to say I'm sorry, and that after all this time, I know he's good. He deserved at the very least after everything he did for me to know that. That I admit I fucked up.

To know he did make me feel good.He always made me feel beautiful. Likely why I was frightened by him.

Productivity .... Is hard with ADHD

Even sick I finished two chapters yesterday. That is hella good. I did do a chapter today. I called off work again. I may even need to go back to the hospital. I may not even have a job anymore. I'm nearly certain that's the case.

Can't help I can't breathe. But I can sit down in front of the laptop and do some writing. My article is still being featured. Kind a huge deal considering most of the features are illustrations and art related. The fact my writing made it makes me feel capable.

I started another chapter today. A second one because I did write the chapter "The Clusterfuck of a Nymphomaniac" and then to make sense out of it it made sense to do the Neal chapter next. He was referred to ask Fake cancer so many times during my freedom of oppression vaginal rage that it made sense he was the next chapter. Explaining my damages. Explaining how after everything I was able to give it all up. Put the sex addict in me away and try to attempt to live a normal life. Why I had to after his extreme narcissistic traits.

Things I'm still healing from. Not wanting to be the monster he is to the rest of the world. I have two pages done. Not even the tip of the iceberg. And I'm emotionally drained form it. I don't think I could have the chapter missing. It is about me, my life, and for three terribly long drawn out years and escapades of me bending over backwards it happened.

As much as he would be the person I would eternal sunshine out of my mind, It's not possible and pieces of my story make zero sense without this chapter. So while I spent the day painstakingly going through a ton of other bitter romances, and at some times... arousing myself rehashing my sexual escapades, I got 13 pages of chapter 3 done.

I talked to my friend Sarah who is published through Random House, and got some advice from her. I also think since my article is a feature for a book picked up by Harper Design, I can stick to my timeline. My outline, and I can do this. I am capable. I am able. I am fucked up and I believe being honest about it other people will feel slightly better about being fucked up too.

It's the ugly truth. The real crappy things I've done and lied about. The drugs, the sex, the depths. The abuse, the wasting of myself. My hopes my dreams.

He even now, looking back at all the things I've done in my life and the sorted oddness they have came with, he is the most exhausting. I really do believe he is evil. To this day. Evil.

I think I may have to go back and finish his chapter at the end. To not suck me dry from the rest of the book.

It was ugly. More than broken just harsh. A story needed to be told for anyone else living though the same situation. So they know those chains are breakable.

Nothing to masturbate with that material.

I'm a little drunk

I's still sick. I called off work today. Hell I only work two days a week and still was sick enough to call of work and as my Nana kindly reminded me I should likely not teach Sunday school in the morning either. Not making kids sick is kinda in my job description. So I walked my ass to the bar. I haven't left my house in four days besides to go to the hospital and pick up prescriptions. So at almost midnight I ventured out.

Fuck it. I needed some air. I need some human contact. I think I may get fired tomorrow, but really my bosses hate me anyway and I only work two days a week. They didn't say anything back today when I sent them my paperwork from the hospital. I'm sure deciding to fire me. I make like less than minimum wage every week.

I like my bosses. I'm sure one of them hates me. I'm not overly concerned about it. I've lived a whole life of people hating me. Fuck.. fake ass Rebecca is there saying all types of shit. I don't care. I'm just me. Take me or leave me. Rebecca having manager numbers is is as funny as it comes. The bitch went to sell her mom's drugs one time and ripped off her mother and kept the cash. And half the drugs. Shes keeping her own husband around just to be able to get out of the welfare ass apartments she's in that she sells drugs to the woman who runs them. Rebecca is always going to be Rebecca.
On a lighter note....

I did kinda meet this hot chic. Lets hope that works out. Her name is River. I like that. Lets hope she runs like one.

Wet Wet. That's the barbarian in me. Like a caveman. or woman. I did try to apologize to Joe. Who also may be the broken link who watched my blog...

And If it is.... Dude I don't even get it.. I'm like so chill. Ridiculously chill. I'm sure people want dollars from your family and shit... that sucks... But with the story I have tmz or some other shit would of paid money. I hate money. It's the root of all evil. And... frankly if I have it i'd rather it be on my my own accord.

So I'm sorry for including you in the drama. I did write you to say that. I'm so awkward it's weird. I promise.... Its in my DNA. I don't really know .... just a weirdo of a woman. Awkward.

You're poor family must think I'm nuts.

I want zero from you. maybe a laugh.. I'm always up for a good conversation... ehhh... I'm just a weird chic. I don't know how else to explain myself. That's all I got.

I really slightly drunk and got the sweetest compliment from a man ever... seriously. Mario... I dated him nearly 10 years ago.  Things didn't work out as he was seeing someone else but we ended on a great note. I held nothing against him. He was tons of fun. Like a lot. Midnight water balloon fights and music for days and weeks, and paint eccentric things together. He just got me. But he was seeing more than me and was given an ultimatum and I never held it against him. He chose her....


And that's okay...  It always had been but it had always been odd between us us too. We have planed trips together.... and I backed out... I didn't really back out my other decided not to watch my kids last minute because I definitely wanted to go. Spelunking with him. He's got adventure in his soul like me. I can appreciate that. He just said the sweetest words to me.

"Yeah you are a quite a loverly visage to behold and yet difficult to discern like a Dali piece"

I'll keep that forever. Reminds me of a meme that said, she never looked beautiful, she looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to be beautiful it was supposed to make you think.

This guy had just always had the kindest soul ever. And in the best way. We drove up to grand rapids one fourth of July together to go to a city wide water balloon fight. He used to drive and I remember midnight water balloon fights.

Even when he decided to stop seeing me, and it was his choice there was never any bad blood between us.

This guy had always been able to make me smile. His character is unrivaled. And he just asked when he could see my new work... He was used to me painting..I asked what work.. He asked writing and such...

He has been keeping up...

Maybe I'm just lying to myself... Maybe it is time for me to get back to the dating world...


And there was nothing wrong between us except he had his options open. And Hes hilarious, and adventurous, and open minded, and loved God, and a gentleman, and fun. Lord knows most men are not fun anymore.

Men.... and dating... and life.. God knows it's complicated. And women... and dating... God knows that's complicated.

While at the bar today a woman staring talking about cows and I gave her a vegan speech.

Well that's fucking interesting

You know I haven't talked about the whole Tom situation in a while. 1) I'm trying to move passed this. 2) Seemed in general to be an all around fucked up situation, only his brother was really nice (Thanks Joe), but again he didn't ask for any of this situation anymore than I did. 3) I don't personally want to be intrinsically stuck in this thoughts of infatuation. While he is an incredibly sexy older man, he would never be with me. He has a whole life. I get it. I have a whole life too.

Me being me though....... judge me if you want... have him blocked on instagram. I sometimes unblock him and just see what hes doing. Maybe once a week or so. I didn't say I was all the way over it, I said I'm trying to move passed it, he is nice to look at?. None the less, regardless of blocked or not when I swipe to my messages, our old ones would still pop up. No big deal just kinda used to seeing them there. And frankly I personally am glad you're able to delete things because I'm pretty sure I got to delete my drunk messages before he read them. Felt like an asshole for sending them anyways.. but thankful none the less.

I swipe to send someone a message today and they were gone. Completely. Which is really weird because I'm almost certain they were just there. Seriously..... Like yesterday or the day before...

I've come to this conclusion....

If you actually read my blog Mr. Tom, while I find you very attractive and think we have a million things in common, then if you read my blog yesterday saying I was reading the code and IP addresses of people looking at my page.... And then you got scared.... thinking I would know you were reading my blog.... 1) I already assumed you did, Because I had you blocked I assumed you were the person looking from the broken instagram link... 2) I wasn't  actually looking for you 3) I was more concerned with my crazy stalker whom started the now very odd (non)relationship between us. 4) The general vicinity of an IP address does nothing for me. And I would hope as a celebrity you would have a two part authorization code for any and everything you do.  4) Did you get me kicked off twitter for my Red Fox joke? Seriously it's a funny joke... your wife is the most expensive whore you'll ever own.

I just got on twitter... like really?

I think if I wanted anything from you I would of already tried to get it. Common sense says that alone.

Also.. hot piercer chic's girlfriend added me on instagram today. That was weird. Seriously people...


Just because I find someone attractive does not mean I have a fucking motive. People can just be attractive people. I'm just an awkward nerd of a girl. I don't have a mean bone in my body... that's a lie, I do, but you have to seriously warrant me being mean to and that takes a hell of a lot, and I would still feel bad afterwards, and say I'm sorry.

I want everyone to be happy and successful. People need more of that in life. People need happy.

I'm sick, I want some vegan chicken noodle soup. I went to the hospital today. I have bronchitis... fucking fun. And miserable....

I wonder who people really think  I am. I'm a recovering nymphomaniac with zero social life. None. My sexual fantasies, while in plenty, are the extent of my life... that and writing. And I'm ridiculously shy in real life. I am limited to 3 word vocabulary when I see attractive people. I'm like a turtle under attack. Who do you people think I am?

Mr. Green, you are odd, and eccentric, smart, sexy, you like a good drink and vinyl, you appreciate black tshirts and checkered vans, or chucks, and you like to read. You create. You look handsome  in your glasses and frankly we could of been friends in another life. You're the too cool for the cool kids guy. It's why everyone likes you.

I am the socially awkward girl. Eye contact makes me nervous as I think it's intimate. I daydream and like to paint, and write. My head stays in the clouds. I got made fun of at my bus stop everyday and even in high school, by the same guys that hit on me after I got out. I wear black thick framed glasses, and when I do I feel like I'm Clark Kent. Incognito. Small circle. Don't date. I work with kids because I'm jealous they live their lives with no fear. They dance like no one is watching.

Hot piercer chic and her girlfriend, I'm glad you two are in love. I was only half serious about my throuple joke. As I wrote that sentence I wondered how much slang I have actually added to my laptop. Jess is hot. You're a very lucky lady. I live by girl code. Big girl code rule is you don't get involved in someone else's relationship. What someone will do to be with you is what they will do when they are with you. Cheaters are not my thing. Not that I think she would in the first place. She did tell me she had a girl the first time she met me. But my recovering sex addict brain doesn't listen to me, it has a mind of it's own.... all the fantasies that come out are things I can't control. I can try to shut them up but frankly it's best to let them run their course. We could all be friends. I'm not trying to steal your girl. I promise.


But just for you wondering the tracking stats for blogger.. this is for the most part what they look like. I can separate them by links clicks and so forth but tracking on the internet is common.... They have IP tracking websites. So for everyone reading this... 1) I think I gave myself malware the other day from grabify I don't suggest using that, I did switch to addthis which doesn't actually track your IP addresses but just better stats than blogger because of bot views.

I got my first FEATURE

So one of the curators of the book I was talking about in the post right below this one... MADE ME A FEATURE!!!

I'm like a geeked little kid again going to the warped tour. YAS.

So I don't know if anyone who would reads this possibly understands the depths of how cool it is in a fraction of a second to reach billions of people with your words, but I'm ecstatic. Like freaking out.

I screen shot her comment when she did it....

I'm not asking you on a date

So I asked the physics guy to hang out... It wasn't a date. I actually was mostly afraid of doing this thing by myself and I needed his brains. And it's something we discussed. So he's in. Let's hope some time next week I'm multidimensional.

While he's hot he'a kinda flaky. Not really my thing. Clearly I'm nowhere near relationship ready anyways. I made sure to specify I'm not asking you on a date...... Good ol grim Melissa... Just trying to transcend space and time and shit..

I did adult things today. Laundry, cleaning, mowing the yard. While I know I'm not near dating ready, I need to do something to kill my time. I've been looking for jobs in my field and holy fuck does the little pay make me want to blow my brains out. I need dollars and I hate dollars. Why does it not pay nearly enough to do the really important things in life? Mentoring kids. Urban youth being my specialty. I love doing it, but it doesn't pay the bills. I'm looking at jobs and McDonalds would pay more.

I seriously just want be a travel writer at this point. And fuck vacation destinations, I want to go hang gliding from Everest and write about that shit. I need to go back to school just for the credentials... Fuck me. Someone pay me to go places and do crazy shit. I still love kids, but I can write about them too. In other places. I want that life. Following photographers up snowy hills, snowboarding in Russia, Going to Indian or African Elephant sanctuaries. Trekking along side children and explaining their daily struggle to get water. I want to Jump out of planes everyday for the rest of my life. Recycle plastic and make homes in Puerto Rico, rebuild.

I want more than this. My soul is uneasy. I want to bang my face into a brick wall. I don't care I don't have a person to do this with, I'm not afraid to do these things alone. But to get money to do these things I have to settle for below slave wages and maintain responsibilities here. I can't do what I have to do and what I want. And my adult ADHD can't function thinking about spending my whole life working away to try to afford my dreams.

Money does't solve problems, but just today I feel like it would solve mine. I just need enough to do all the above. Or if someone knows someone who's looking for a travel writer with zero experience... I just need my expenses paid. I'll leave everything behind... minus the kids. Maybe sometimes I'll leave them behind too. lol

But my dog comes with. for ground adventures at least. God save the Queen. I need a new good book too. Maybe my brain needs to shut up with someone else's words.

Such a beautiful night tonight I think I'll kill myself

So that sounds horrible to whoever doesn't know who Jhonen Vasquez is.

He wrote the comic Johnny the homicidal maniac. Also Invader Zim. I miss my cupcake.

It's warm enough out tonight and clear enough I think I want to sleep on the beach. My happy place. Not too many more nights in this season I can do it.

I'm perplexed by my own thoughts today. Why did I go so long thinking because I was good that the world entitled me to Good? It's such a narcassist thing to think.

Even my grandiose view of love was plagued with that. I almost hate myself for it. I'm the epitome of the very thing I dislike.

Self realization sucks. I'm not entitled to anything. I can hope for good. I can hope for love. But realistically that's it. I can't expect it. And if I let that fact change me then I was never good in the first place. I was Self ritious.

I need to find a better job. I need to work more than two days a week. I need to get serious about my freelancing. I need to suck it up and find a job in my field with my license too.

I need to stop fantasizing. About love. About sex. And I should stop drinking, not because I can't, but as all people, I need to stop numbing myself for being less than what I anticipated. I may need to actually grow the fuck up.

I switched my own second septum out today. I should maybe do my own seamless to avoid hot piercer chic.

I need to stop hovering. In this doorway of life. I need to do something. But I don't want to do just anything. I hate that shit costs money.

I need tools to do my own story boards. I need cameras. I need my passport. I need to get my shit together and stop doing everything else. I also need my own parachute. And I need to go to Peru.

I may never come back if I do. I can have all the wisdom in the world but if I only use it for philosophical conversations with myself what fucking good is that.

I may need to start using drugs again. Legitimate.

I wonder what my doppelgangersare doing right now. I wonder how many of them are sitting in a hammock alone in life pondering the same shit. And how many of them apply themselves the way I need to. I wonder how many of them are in happy relationships.

Fuck you happy doppelgangers

The internal battle of parenting

I have two kids. Polar opposites. My daughter, wants to be a surgeon. Honors programs. Honor roll. Responsible. Gets up every morning the moment I say her name, and gets ready for school. Gets ready, always does her chores, and homework. And at 11, and going through puberty, sometimes gets a little mouthy, but I'm going to give her 90% awesome all the time. (I told her 82% last night being funny) She helps with anything you need, she is patient, kind, and very much a social butterfly. Has never had a issue making friends. She is the dream kid. We openly talk about everything in my house. Sex, drugs, expectations, money, saving, how she has a goal and she has to work extremely hard for it because I won't be able to afford medical school. She knows it's scholarships. She knows not to be distracted by boys. If she ever comes home as a pregnant teenager it's straight to the hoover. She knows exactly what the abortion clinic is. Which I'm sure most people reading this would be like what in the actual fuck? Why would you tell her that.

She has unlimited potential. Something I refuse for her to lose track of based on the ear candy men will throw her way. She's gorgeous. And I'm not saying that because she's mine, I'm saying that because she actually is. She's tall and statuesque, and starting to fill out like damn. I've pointed out the trap boys at the corner store and told her everything they will say. And how good it will feel. But how reaching her goals will feel so much better. She wants to work with doctors without borders. She will. I am amazed not only at her beauty everyday, but the heart put inside of her. God blessed my baby with brains and beauty. I have never lied about the things I struggled with so that she knew that, I'm not raising her to be like me, I'm raising her to be way better. To be a humanitarian, and to know this: Before God ever put her in my womb, he created a man of God, who will hold the same values, that she doesn't have to go looking for, when it's time, he will be there. Until then, all she has to do is be her, work hard, and be a good human.

These are lessons I do give to both of my children. My son.... has all my brains, and all of my nonsense and distraction. He is diagnosed A.D.H.D. and, O.D.D. and P.T.S.D.. Most people know what attention deficit hyperactive disorder is. As well as post traumatic stress disorder. (I'll explain why he has it in just a moment) but most people do not know what  oppositional defiant disorder is.

The easiest way to explain this is this, his will is stronger than yours. He will always be smarter than you. If you say the sky is blue, and he says it's orange, he will argue that point until you give in and agree it is in fact orange. And he's going to be pissed off he had to argue with you and prove himself right. Now, he knows the sky isn't orange, but the point being he's always right.

Now throw that in with a brain that doesn't stop. I mean A.D.H.D. is exactly that, one million thoughts being processed at the same time and cannot be focused. Trying to remember what you're supposed to be doing, and no impulse control because when what feels good verses responsibility, impulse typically wins. And then P.T.S.D. where when your brain does actually focus on one idea, it's the stresses of the trauma that occurred. So then his brain with all of this means I have a son who can concentrate only only things he cares about. He's fucking smart. But that same genius as me, gets him in trouble. It leaves him searching for things that make him feel good to distract him.

The P.T.S.D. comes from a summer I let him stay at his fathers. Let me explain his father..

His father to is a pathological liar. My 'mother" never had talks with me about about the things men will say. And seeings how I never knew love when I was out on my own, I didn't honestly know any better. My "best friend" kept pushing dude on me and I eventually caved. He was older than me but kind. And giving and open with his life. He had 2 kids, one was like 12 (he was 15 years older than me) and the other one 3. He had custody of her and we were together all the time. His son lived with his mother's mother. Something happened but as his dad, he still hung out with him and I knew who he was. Until 5 months into the relationship, and I start getting contacted by his daughters mother blowing the lid off everything he's ever told me. I'm 19, never been in a actually "relationship". My first boyfriend was when I was in the 7th grade, and we held hands on field-trips. *side note about him, I still know him he's in a band, traveling the world now and it's funny because he was just the smallest dorkiest kid ever, and now women throw themselves at him. Hi Blake lol

My son's father come to find out, was in prison for 8 years for robbing a bank, had 3 children and just never admitted the last one. Even when I found everything it was a huge denial, said baby mamma two is just trying to start shit. He was in prison but he didn't rob that bank wrong place wrong time thing, and that he swears it's not his kid. Well two months later, after many nights telling me he wants a family with me and asking me to marry him, and all the bullshit that goes with it, I find him (on gut instinct alone when I couldn't sleep, drive all over and end up finding him butt ass naked in my "best friends" bed.) Now, he's got six kids with six women, custody of none, lost the latest to CPS because he's lovely girlfriend had drugs in her system when she gave birth. And still denying one of them.

So this is his father. But I never wanted to be a bitter person and keep my kids away from their dads. As long as I knew they were safe, they could visit. And we had decided together he wanted to really spend some time with our son so he would take him for the summer. I still called all the time. Randomly popped up with food for my son. Brought him home occasionally. Like this little dude is my heart. He's 7, getting to know his dad was a good thing I thought. In the beginning of August I got a call I needed to come pick him up. The swat team just swarmed the house, Blasted open the door, smoke bombs, guns up, everyone down on the floor, don't move, including my 7 year old. Apparently while his father was going to work everyday, he was just leaving him with his brother, who apparently was selling dope. I get him immediately, and this isn't the worse part.

About a week later, both my kids go to grandmas house for the night, their cousins are there, family fun time. My son and my nephew were in the bathroom getting washed up, my nephew is 3. My mother is on the stairs right next to the bathroom watching the kids downstairs and keeping an ear on the two boys. I get a frantic call explaining what is the horror of my heart now.

My son talking to his little cousin says this, I'm going to stick my finger in your butt now and then you do it to me, and by the time my mother jumped up my nephew had already screamed Ouch.

I jump in the car and get my son, we drive, we talk, and find out that while his father had just been abandoning him with his dope dealing brother, that he wasn't even watching him, he was letting his son take him to go do anything. Which was molesting and raping my son for nearly and entire summer. This boy was 12 years old.

So at the age of 7 years old, I feel like I already have failed him. It was my one job. The only thing I wanted to with all my being, protect him from that in the world. I knew how it felt, I grew up having it done to me. I never just let my kids go with just anyone, or hang out with anyone, still don't. They don't have slumber parties at people's houses I don't know. I introduce myself to every friends parent. I'm all over them, always have been. I thought he was safe with his dad. I thought I knew he was safe with me, what parent that wanted to spend time with their kid would ever put them into a dangerous situation???

So my son now, at the age of 12 and a half, going through puberty himself, trying to figure out who he is, questioning everything, and with emotional disabilities like his, is not always the dream kid. Don't get me wrong, I would lay my life down in a sec no hesitation, I've gone to bat for him so many times I can't count. He's been through every kind of counseling and therapy you can imagine. I let him know hes not alone. That my brain works the same way so when problems come up, I understand the way he thinks, and just because things aren't as easy to him as they are to his sister, it just means we learn in another way.

We have changed schools 6 times in 4 years. I have had countless behavioral plan meetings, wrap around services, peer to peer relationships, interventions, and advocate for my son endlessly.

His brain is constantly working, while trying not do anything to not focus on trauma, and with a condition where he is "always right"

Most of my days are spent breaking up fights, yelling, talking taking things away, listening to him scream, get violent, kick and throw things, never wanting to clean up after himself, fighting him to shower because he doesn't care about his hygiene, and trying to surrender all of this to God. He doesn't understand healthy boundaries or relationships. So he has a very hard time making friends, and he really likes computers. Gaming. He was actually kicked off the school computers indefinitely last year at the last school because instead of doing his work, he was hacking the other students laptops remotely and changing settings, and deleting other students work, renaming the system stupid things.

My son is very smart. But he's also very bored. And lonely. We even have to take these things away here. He wants to build relationships so badly with other people, he was getting on gaming chat rooms and having what I refer to as a pedophiles wet dream of conversation. Introducing himself, Hey I'm 11, I think I'm the youngest one here, anyone else into this? I'm bisexual.

For the record, I don't care if my son identifies as bisexual. Or gay, or Trans, or pan, or anything, the only wish I ever have for him is to be happy, and capable. I myself love both men and women and while I hate labels, I say I date from the human race. None the less, my son has been obsessed with girls since a young age, and I don't think he is, I think it's part of trying to understand what happened to him, and puberty. But there isn't ever an easy day. But he's told endlessly it doesn't matter who he wants to love there isn't anything that would stop me from loving you.

I don't allow him to use his emotional disabilities as scapegoats. When he is wrong, he's still wrong. And there are consequences to actions. I'm raising a man. And everything in me believes a damn good one. So last night, he stole one of my old phones, and for some reason didn't compute that when he sends pictures of himself, or screen shots something, it's still under my account and goes to the phone I'm using now. All my settings are linked.

I go through and read these messages, and it's this girl I keep taking electronics away over, because he's already admitted he's suicidal on top of having zero impulse control when it comes to appropriate conversations, and the things we can share and talk about verses information we don't put out there, and being too trusting because you really don't know who is who. Sadly even  I just got catfished and I've been having these conversations with him for years now. No one is safe. Anyone can pretend to be your age, your friend, and people are not good.

He hates me most of the time. He constantly tells me I love my daughter more. Honestly I feel horrible for both of them. I have to be so constant and careful with my son always dealing with some issue with another kid, or dumb shit he did when he was bored, the stuff he has broken and I've had to pay for, school meetings, therapy, I feel like my daughter feels like she can't mess up. While I appreciate everything God put in her, I don't ever want her to feel as if though she needs to be perfect. I love them equally and differently. But He thinks I love her more because she doesn't get in trouble nearly as much. Not even close. So she gets paid to do her chores, because she does them. She gets to go to friends houses, and live a still very monitored life, but a little less than him. And they do live very monitored lives. I at any given time will pick up an electronic device whether is be laptop, tablet, or phone and go through absolutely everything. I show up where they are by surprise to make sure they are exactly where they said they will be. And I have to meet parents, and have phone numbers of any and everywhere they are. And they still have half hour check ins. My daughter get one hour check ins... but again the difference is she's a lot more trustworthy.

My son, despite all the shit he has endured already, has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. He lashes out on me daily. But one time, for birthday, we were going to go to the water-park and his best friend lost his glasses. (this kid wasn't even very nice to him all the time at all) but my son was so worried about him getting in trouble he asked instead of going to the water-park for his birthday, could he buy his friend a new pair of glasses because he knows they are expensive and he doesn't want his friend in trouble.

This is his heart after everything life has already shitted on him. My daughter is easy, and that's great, but I keep trying to tell him, he, he is my purpose. That anyone else (morbid humor coming stop now if you don't want to be offended) would of drown him in  bathtub already, drove off a cliff, or given him up for adoption. I tell him he's lucky he has me as a mom, because even though his will is stronger than mine, and I didn't think anyone's in life could be until God gave me him, that mine is strong enough to love him past all his bullshit. I keep telling him has something giant inside him and he could lead nations. We just have to channel it. He just rolls his eyes. But I tell him I believe in him. I ask him what he needs. I ask him what can I do so he can feel loved so much he doesn't go searching for it in chat rooms where it's dangerous, where he's getting heartbroken and how to get him to wait, and understand the same things I tell his sister.

All he has to do, is be himself, work hard, and when the person who is supposed to be in your life is supposed to be there, they will be. But I make sure he knows that while he's wilding out, he's nowhere near ready to take care of and provide for a family at 12. He will have to be the head of a home. To be able to lead a woman, even when he doesn't understand her, and be everything that his own father has not been. And at 12, I'm more than happy to get you a wiped computer, and coding books, and trust you in that scenario because he should be doing what he loves and not worrying about relationships.

I really do pray he hacks the planet. Eliminating consumer debt, and college loans.

So while my kids are night and day. And I struggle. I wish I knew other parents with kids like my son. So they could have a awkward kid night and game, and we as parents could just drink some fucking wine and not feel so alone.