I have two kids. Polar opposites. My daughter, wants to be a surgeon. Honors programs. Honor roll. Responsible. Gets up every morning the moment I say her name, and gets ready for school. Gets ready, always does her chores, and homework. And at 11, and going through puberty, sometimes gets a little mouthy, but I'm going to give her 90% awesome all the time. (I told her 82% last night being funny) She helps with anything you need, she is patient, kind, and very much a social butterfly. Has never had a issue making friends. She is the dream kid. We openly talk about everything in my house. Sex, drugs, expectations, money, saving, how she has a goal and she has to work extremely hard for it because I won't be able to afford medical school. She knows it's scholarships. She knows not to be distracted by boys. If she ever comes home as a pregnant teenager it's straight to the hoover. She knows exactly what the abortion clinic is. Which I'm sure most people reading this would be like what in the actual fuck? Why would you tell her that.
She has unlimited potential. Something I refuse for her to lose track of based on the ear candy men will throw her way. She's gorgeous. And I'm not saying that because she's mine, I'm saying that because she actually is. She's tall and statuesque, and starting to fill out like damn. I've pointed out the trap boys at the corner store and told her everything they will say. And how good it will feel. But how reaching her goals will feel so much better. She wants to work with doctors without borders. She will. I am amazed not only at her beauty everyday, but the heart put inside of her. God blessed my baby with brains and beauty. I have never lied about the things I struggled with so that she knew that, I'm not raising her to be like me, I'm raising her to be way better. To be a humanitarian, and to know this: Before God ever put her in my womb, he created a man of God, who will hold the same values, that she doesn't have to go looking for, when it's time, he will be there. Until then, all she has to do is be her, work hard, and be a good human.
These are lessons I do give to both of my children. My son.... has all my brains, and all of my nonsense and distraction. He is diagnosed A.D.H.D. and, O.D.D. and P.T.S.D.. Most people know what attention deficit hyperactive disorder is. As well as post traumatic stress disorder. (I'll explain why he has it in just a moment) but most people do not know what oppositional defiant disorder is.
The easiest way to explain this is this, his will is stronger than yours. He will always be smarter than you. If you say the sky is blue, and he says it's orange, he will argue that point until you give in and agree it is in fact orange. And he's going to be pissed off he had to argue with you and prove himself right. Now, he knows the sky isn't orange, but the point being he's always right.
Now throw that in with a brain that doesn't stop. I mean A.D.H.D. is exactly that, one million thoughts being processed at the same time and cannot be focused. Trying to remember what you're supposed to be doing, and no impulse control because when what feels good verses responsibility, impulse typically wins. And then P.T.S.D. where when your brain does actually focus on one idea, it's the stresses of the trauma that occurred. So then his brain with all of this means I have a son who can concentrate only only things he cares about. He's fucking smart. But that same genius as me, gets him in trouble. It leaves him searching for things that make him feel good to distract him.
The P.T.S.D. comes from a summer I let him stay at his fathers. Let me explain his father..
His father to is a pathological liar. My 'mother" never had talks with me about about the things men will say. And seeings how I never knew love when I was out on my own, I didn't honestly know any better. My "best friend" kept pushing dude on me and I eventually caved. He was older than me but kind. And giving and open with his life. He had 2 kids, one was like 12 (he was 15 years older than me) and the other one 3. He had custody of her and we were together all the time. His son lived with his mother's mother. Something happened but as his dad, he still hung out with him and I knew who he was. Until 5 months into the relationship, and I start getting contacted by his daughters mother blowing the lid off everything he's ever told me. I'm 19, never been in a actually "relationship". My first boyfriend was when I was in the 7th grade, and we held hands on field-trips. *side note about him, I still know him he's in a band, traveling the world now and it's funny because he was just the smallest dorkiest kid ever, and now women throw themselves at him. Hi Blake lol
My son's father come to find out, was in prison for 8 years for robbing a bank, had 3 children and just never admitted the last one. Even when I found everything it was a huge denial, said baby mamma two is just trying to start shit. He was in prison but he didn't rob that bank wrong place wrong time thing, and that he swears it's not his kid. Well two months later, after many nights telling me he wants a family with me and asking me to marry him, and all the bullshit that goes with it, I find him (on gut instinct alone when I couldn't sleep, drive all over and end up finding him butt ass naked in my "best friends" bed.) Now, he's got six kids with six women, custody of none, lost the latest to CPS because he's lovely girlfriend had drugs in her system when she gave birth. And still denying one of them.
So this is his father. But I never wanted to be a bitter person and keep my kids away from their dads. As long as I knew they were safe, they could visit. And we had decided together he wanted to really spend some time with our son so he would take him for the summer. I still called all the time. Randomly popped up with food for my son. Brought him home occasionally. Like this little dude is my heart. He's 7, getting to know his dad was a good thing I thought. In the beginning of August I got a call I needed to come pick him up. The swat team just swarmed the house, Blasted open the door, smoke bombs, guns up, everyone down on the floor, don't move, including my 7 year old. Apparently while his father was going to work everyday, he was just leaving him with his brother, who apparently was selling dope. I get him immediately, and this isn't the worse part.
About a week later, both my kids go to grandmas house for the night, their cousins are there, family fun time. My son and my nephew were in the bathroom getting washed up, my nephew is 3. My mother is on the stairs right next to the bathroom watching the kids downstairs and keeping an ear on the two boys. I get a frantic call explaining what is the horror of my heart now.
My son talking to his little cousin says this, I'm going to stick my finger in your butt now and then you do it to me, and by the time my mother jumped up my nephew had already screamed Ouch.
I jump in the car and get my son, we drive, we talk, and find out that while his father had just been abandoning him with his dope dealing brother, that he wasn't even watching him, he was letting his son take him to go do anything. Which was molesting and raping my son for nearly and entire summer. This boy was 12 years old.
So at the age of 7 years old, I feel like I already have failed him. It was my one job. The only thing I wanted to with all my being, protect him from that in the world. I knew how it felt, I grew up having it done to me. I never just let my kids go with just anyone, or hang out with anyone, still don't. They don't have slumber parties at people's houses I don't know. I introduce myself to every friends parent. I'm all over them, always have been. I thought he was safe with his dad. I thought I knew he was safe with me, what parent that wanted to spend time with their kid would ever put them into a dangerous situation???
So my son now, at the age of 12 and a half, going through puberty himself, trying to figure out who he is, questioning everything, and with emotional disabilities like his, is not always the dream kid. Don't get me wrong, I would lay my life down in a sec no hesitation, I've gone to bat for him so many times I can't count. He's been through every kind of counseling and therapy you can imagine. I let him know hes not alone. That my brain works the same way so when problems come up, I understand the way he thinks, and just because things aren't as easy to him as they are to his sister, it just means we learn in another way.
We have changed schools 6 times in 4 years. I have had countless behavioral plan meetings, wrap around services, peer to peer relationships, interventions, and advocate for my son endlessly.
His brain is constantly working, while trying not do anything to not focus on trauma, and with a condition where he is "always right"
Most of my days are spent breaking up fights, yelling, talking taking things away, listening to him scream, get violent, kick and throw things, never wanting to clean up after himself, fighting him to shower because he doesn't care about his hygiene, and trying to surrender all of this to God. He doesn't understand healthy boundaries or relationships. So he has a very hard time making friends, and he really likes computers. Gaming. He was actually kicked off the school computers indefinitely last year at the last school because instead of doing his work, he was hacking the other students laptops remotely and changing settings, and deleting other students work, renaming the system stupid things.
My son is very smart. But he's also very bored. And lonely. We even have to take these things away here. He wants to build relationships so badly with other people, he was getting on gaming chat rooms and having what I refer to as a pedophiles wet dream of conversation. Introducing himself, Hey I'm 11, I think I'm the youngest one here, anyone else into this? I'm bisexual.
For the record, I don't care if my son identifies as bisexual. Or gay, or Trans, or pan, or anything, the only wish I ever have for him is to be happy, and capable. I myself love both men and women and while I hate labels, I say I date from the human race. None the less, my son has been obsessed with girls since a young age, and I don't think he is, I think it's part of trying to understand what happened to him, and puberty. But there isn't ever an easy day. But he's told endlessly it doesn't matter who he wants to love there isn't anything that would stop me from loving you.
I don't allow him to use his emotional disabilities as scapegoats. When he is wrong, he's still wrong. And there are consequences to actions. I'm raising a man. And everything in me believes a damn good one. So last night, he stole one of my old phones, and for some reason didn't compute that when he sends pictures of himself, or screen shots something, it's still under my account and goes to the phone I'm using now. All my settings are linked.
I go through and read these messages, and it's this girl I keep taking electronics away over, because he's already admitted he's suicidal on top of having zero impulse control when it comes to appropriate conversations, and the things we can share and talk about verses information we don't put out there, and being too trusting because you really don't know who is who. Sadly even I just got catfished and I've been having these conversations with him for years now. No one is safe. Anyone can pretend to be your age, your friend, and people are not good.
He hates me most of the time. He constantly tells me I love my daughter more. Honestly I feel horrible for both of them. I have to be so constant and careful with my son always dealing with some issue with another kid, or dumb shit he did when he was bored, the stuff he has broken and I've had to pay for, school meetings, therapy, I feel like my daughter feels like she can't mess up. While I appreciate everything God put in her, I don't ever want her to feel as if though she needs to be perfect. I love them equally and differently. But He thinks I love her more because she doesn't get in trouble nearly as much. Not even close. So she gets paid to do her chores, because she does them. She gets to go to friends houses, and live a still very monitored life, but a little less than him. And they do live very monitored lives. I at any given time will pick up an electronic device whether is be laptop, tablet, or phone and go through absolutely everything. I show up where they are by surprise to make sure they are exactly where they said they will be. And I have to meet parents, and have phone numbers of any and everywhere they are. And they still have half hour check ins. My daughter get one hour check ins... but again the difference is she's a lot more trustworthy.
My son, despite all the shit he has endured already, has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. He lashes out on me daily. But one time, for birthday, we were going to go to the water-park and his best friend lost his glasses. (this kid wasn't even very nice to him all the time at all) but my son was so worried about him getting in trouble he asked instead of going to the water-park for his birthday, could he buy his friend a new pair of glasses because he knows they are expensive and he doesn't want his friend in trouble.
This is his heart after everything life has already shitted on him. My daughter is easy, and that's great, but I keep trying to tell him, he, he is my purpose. That anyone else (morbid humor coming stop now if you don't want to be offended) would of drown him in bathtub already, drove off a cliff, or given him up for adoption. I tell him he's lucky he has me as a mom, because even though his will is stronger than mine, and I didn't think anyone's in life could be until God gave me him, that mine is strong enough to love him past all his bullshit. I keep telling him has something giant inside him and he could lead nations. We just have to channel it. He just rolls his eyes. But I tell him I believe in him. I ask him what he needs. I ask him what can I do so he can feel loved so much he doesn't go searching for it in chat rooms where it's dangerous, where he's getting heartbroken and how to get him to wait, and understand the same things I tell his sister.
All he has to do, is be himself, work hard, and when the person who is supposed to be in your life is supposed to be there, they will be. But I make sure he knows that while he's wilding out, he's nowhere near ready to take care of and provide for a family at 12. He will have to be the head of a home. To be able to lead a woman, even when he doesn't understand her, and be everything that his own father has not been. And at 12, I'm more than happy to get you a wiped computer, and coding books, and trust you in that scenario because he should be doing what he loves and not worrying about relationships.
I really do pray he hacks the planet. Eliminating consumer debt, and college loans.
So while my kids are night and day. And I struggle. I wish I knew other parents with kids like my son. So they could have a awkward kid night and game, and we as parents could just drink some fucking wine and not feel so alone.
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