So I haven't been here in a while.

I need to get back in the habit of writing. Clearly I need a life update.

Mentally I've been really okay with the idea of being alone for a really long time. Like I am a way happier person alone. Insanely. Don't get me wrong I like affection, but I think it's always just a chase that I love, the hunt of it, the lion in me. But I'm always way more not me, than me. I don't like me when I'm with other people. I'm bogged down by some always expectant. I'm not doing what I really want to be doing. I stop having a social life and I get resentful of this other person. Not just for no social life but for not trying to live more, for the extent of the exhausting fighting with one single person in the end. I like not answering to one person, I like not having that responsibility. I'm an endlessly loving person but I hate routine. I love doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it, and with whoever I want too.... No one holding me back.

I haven't ever had time to live out my own life desires because of raising the kids. And I'm okay with that it's a give in. I did that. But I dream about all the shit I want to do the second they're grown. And I'm not in a rush but I want adventure. I want everything I long for because I think that's what my soul needs. My journey. And how do I know who I am without living out my own dream. I've never really pictured a guy in that place though. I think this is why I've never been married. When I think about the future, I just see me. Doing what I want to do. Wandering, backpacking cross country.

Nobody has enough adventure. To leave it all behind to get lost and found. I think it may be the most beautiful thing you could do. Why wouldn't you want to?

Even when I'm older than this like say my 50s ... I see me on a farm. My little animal sanctuary. Painting. With a really old blue pick up truck. Perfectly rusted.
I'll have my cows and piggies. They'll be safe from eating...

I know what I want. I want to look back on this life and not regret not doing what I wanted to do to ultimately just end up with a sea of bad romances and compromise. Settling for less than.

Everyone has a primal instinct to settle and I think I pretend to want to sometimes because I like the appeal. I like the physicality of it. But I don't want the rest. I also don't want an endless bodies either. That's a conundrum unless I'm celibate forever and that's not going to happen... none the less...

I asked the universe for love a little while back. And it's doing a great job of showing me I love me. Learning the lessons I do in life, the wisdom I have, and always working on being a better me, I think that's what I love. My egos desire not to be great but to seek higher knowledge and better the place with humanitarianism and love. And unless there is a guy out there who wants to get some gear and become a dirty hippie with me wandering the country giving everything up when I turn 40... and then settle down on a little plot of land on a farm eventually.. growing our own food living off our land... then why in the world would I want to give that up? And I don't think I'm going to find that.

I love my dreams.. I deserve to be happy. I know what I want. I just have to be honest and really remember that. Easier said then done when I see prey.