Such a beautiful night tonight I think I'll kill myself

So that sounds horrible to whoever doesn't know who Jhonen Vasquez is.

He wrote the comic Johnny the homicidal maniac. Also Invader Zim. I miss my cupcake.

It's warm enough out tonight and clear enough I think I want to sleep on the beach. My happy place. Not too many more nights in this season I can do it.

I'm perplexed by my own thoughts today. Why did I go so long thinking because I was good that the world entitled me to Good? It's such a narcassist thing to think.

Even my grandiose view of love was plagued with that. I almost hate myself for it. I'm the epitome of the very thing I dislike.

Self realization sucks. I'm not entitled to anything. I can hope for good. I can hope for love. But realistically that's it. I can't expect it. And if I let that fact change me then I was never good in the first place. I was Self ritious.

I need to find a better job. I need to work more than two days a week. I need to get serious about my freelancing. I need to suck it up and find a job in my field with my license too.

I need to stop fantasizing. About love. About sex. And I should stop drinking, not because I can't, but as all people, I need to stop numbing myself for being less than what I anticipated. I may need to actually grow the fuck up.

I switched my own second septum out today. I should maybe do my own seamless to avoid hot piercer chic.

I need to stop hovering. In this doorway of life. I need to do something. But I don't want to do just anything. I hate that shit costs money.

I need tools to do my own story boards. I need cameras. I need my passport. I need to get my shit together and stop doing everything else. I also need my own parachute. And I need to go to Peru.

I may never come back if I do. I can have all the wisdom in the world but if I only use it for philosophical conversations with myself what fucking good is that.

I may need to start using drugs again. Legitimate.

I wonder what my doppelgangersare doing right now. I wonder how many of them are sitting in a hammock alone in life pondering the same shit. And how many of them apply themselves the way I need to. I wonder how many of them are in happy relationships.

Fuck you happy doppelgangers