No real writing done today. Still sick. Still Insomnia. I did manage 3 hours in last night so that was nice. I need to go back to the hospital. I start new job on Thursday... should probably be able to breathe to do that.
Thanks to old lover. I'm most certain he would like me to pay him the thousands of doll hairs I owe him, and rightfully so... I mean work/hard work has never scared me.
But I know how different I am now. I know that I've basically been a life hermit for years and I've been pulling my face skin down, pulling the bottoms of my eyes half way down my face, all day trying to get comfortable with the thought of seeing him. I'm such a freak of a human being now.
First of all... years to suck it up and just say I'm sorry. Clearly I have pride issues. That was all I thought it was going to entail. But then he throws out a job offer, making decent money and not serving people ranch. Possibly get a little manual labor in? Its like getting paid to exercise which is the only way I may do it. But I need to none the less. And it does seem like a cool job anyway. I am a jack of all trades. It's been time for the switch up.
I tried to talk to him a bunch today. I feel like a super creep about it now. I mean I always feel like a fucking creep anyway, but extra more so today. My biggest life problem is I don't talk to other adults much anymore so I don't actually know when to shut the fuck up when I do. Anxiety my best friend everyone. Obsessively think about that.
I almost text him grim statistics. I didn't. I don't think the fact I restrained myself from doing so should be a point of pride for me either? He says it will all be fine. I assured him, after prying into his private life....( fuck me right?) .. and not even casually.. just with a hey, so I know its not any of my business, and I really don't have the right to ask... but are you seeing anyone....
Then the awkward super awkward comes out... Just trying to mentally prepare myself for any scenario... Admitting that through text. Hey glad you're totally cool with all of this, but me... I'm panicking. Seriously... on a one to ten freak out scale ten being the most freaked out... like 100.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't my brain function like regular yo?
I tried to ask if he was going in the same time as me, I was going to bring him breakfast or coffee as a thank you, I think I already spent way too much time making it super odd. I didn't tell him why I was asking and he told me he was going to bed ... bleak. 😖
I wish I had the strength to smash my own face in with a brick right now. I don't know why I cant form real people sentences and thoughts? Why have I alluded this mess for so long and now with a heightened sense of awareness and I overly accosting it?
You know Brain, just shut up. Just shut up brain. He just wants his money back. If I keep it at that than my brain won't try to over produce simulations of possible outcomes of this.
I was insecure before when we dated. His ex wife was hot, I thought I was regular back then. I'm now three years hiding in my house, giving up my cardio sex routine and living like a nerd.
My sexual exploits stay in my head now. Or at least kinda, they stay here on the blog too, but they are fake scenarios made up in my head. I'm sooooo not his type anymore. I'm going to be nervous for the next two days about this.
Telling myself not to text him. Not to keep making a bigger ass out of myself. Stop pulling on your eyelid skin Melissa.
What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he's this nice? Seriously? Oh you apologized t me, throw out my name and get this job setting up areas making nearly $20 an hour..
He's so damn different than anyone.... he's smart, and eccentric, and talented, and funny, and a gentleman, and kind, and he reads... I always liked that he was smart.
My brain needs to not go there. Like stop brain. Please. Stop Brain.
We are so different in so many ways too. He's politically the opposite. Which is extreme for me. Hardcore. He supports trump and his last name alone should be why he doesn't but he does. He's basically a carnivore. Which is odd because he loves nature and animals.
I hate my brain in already attempting to daydream. I wanted to ask how his sister was. I'm sure his family hates me. God it was ugly when we split.
I feel like the incredibly shrinking woman thinking about all of this. So small. Like his kindness should be self serving, and even though that's what my brain wants me to believe, I know that's not who he is. I know he's both tactical and sensitive.
No day dreams. No day dreams. No more messing shit up Melissa. You said you wanted time with you. You basically left Neal and Him, moved to Flint in the middle of a water crisis, busted your ass for months to get out, to move back to Toledo, and then have Benga come along, and give so much of you this shell of a person is all you have left. You got nothing Kid. Nothing!
Melissa, you have philosophical debates with yourself. You sometimes/ most of the time don't even get out of your pajamas. The highlight of your year was going off on two different bosses because you were tired of being a doormat. You jumped out of a plane. You want to see the world. You're writing again. While financially this is a great opportunity, don't fuck it up by falling in love. You just lost everything because you fell in love. You still have to get shit back before you can lose it again. You haven't recovered those losses. Have yet to recoup.
He doesn't want to work with you because he wants to fall madly in love.
Stop thinking about kissing him now.
Stop it Melissa.
Fuck Brain come on.
You know he doesn't want the same things as you. Yes he has adventure in his heart, he doesn't ever want to be married again. Something he made very clear before. OMG stop you're that far ahead and you haven't looked at him yet. It's crazy. Stop. He's not freaking out. He's not worried. He likely thinks you're fucking mental already.
Dated off and on for two years, and now he knows I'm crazy??.. go fucking figure. The things you can disguise in the midst of desire. I hate that I'm such a freak.
Fuck.
Thanks to old lover. I'm most certain he would like me to pay him the thousands of doll hairs I owe him, and rightfully so... I mean work/hard work has never scared me.
But I know how different I am now. I know that I've basically been a life hermit for years and I've been pulling my face skin down, pulling the bottoms of my eyes half way down my face, all day trying to get comfortable with the thought of seeing him. I'm such a freak of a human being now.
First of all... years to suck it up and just say I'm sorry. Clearly I have pride issues. That was all I thought it was going to entail. But then he throws out a job offer, making decent money and not serving people ranch. Possibly get a little manual labor in? Its like getting paid to exercise which is the only way I may do it. But I need to none the less. And it does seem like a cool job anyway. I am a jack of all trades. It's been time for the switch up.
I tried to talk to him a bunch today. I feel like a super creep about it now. I mean I always feel like a fucking creep anyway, but extra more so today. My biggest life problem is I don't talk to other adults much anymore so I don't actually know when to shut the fuck up when I do. Anxiety my best friend everyone. Obsessively think about that.
I almost text him grim statistics. I didn't. I don't think the fact I restrained myself from doing so should be a point of pride for me either? He says it will all be fine. I assured him, after prying into his private life....( fuck me right?) .. and not even casually.. just with a hey, so I know its not any of my business, and I really don't have the right to ask... but are you seeing anyone....
Then the awkward super awkward comes out... Just trying to mentally prepare myself for any scenario... Admitting that through text. Hey glad you're totally cool with all of this, but me... I'm panicking. Seriously... on a one to ten freak out scale ten being the most freaked out... like 100.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't my brain function like regular yo?
I tried to ask if he was going in the same time as me, I was going to bring him breakfast or coffee as a thank you, I think I already spent way too much time making it super odd. I didn't tell him why I was asking and he told me he was going to bed ... bleak. 😖
I wish I had the strength to smash my own face in with a brick right now. I don't know why I cant form real people sentences and thoughts? Why have I alluded this mess for so long and now with a heightened sense of awareness and I overly accosting it?
You know Brain, just shut up. Just shut up brain. He just wants his money back. If I keep it at that than my brain won't try to over produce simulations of possible outcomes of this.
I was insecure before when we dated. His ex wife was hot, I thought I was regular back then. I'm now three years hiding in my house, giving up my cardio sex routine and living like a nerd.
My sexual exploits stay in my head now. Or at least kinda, they stay here on the blog too, but they are fake scenarios made up in my head. I'm sooooo not his type anymore. I'm going to be nervous for the next two days about this.
Telling myself not to text him. Not to keep making a bigger ass out of myself. Stop pulling on your eyelid skin Melissa.
What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he's this nice? Seriously? Oh you apologized t me, throw out my name and get this job setting up areas making nearly $20 an hour..
He's so damn different than anyone.... he's smart, and eccentric, and talented, and funny, and a gentleman, and kind, and he reads... I always liked that he was smart.
My brain needs to not go there. Like stop brain. Please. Stop Brain.
We are so different in so many ways too. He's politically the opposite. Which is extreme for me. Hardcore. He supports trump and his last name alone should be why he doesn't but he does. He's basically a carnivore. Which is odd because he loves nature and animals.
I hate my brain in already attempting to daydream. I wanted to ask how his sister was. I'm sure his family hates me. God it was ugly when we split.
I feel like the incredibly shrinking woman thinking about all of this. So small. Like his kindness should be self serving, and even though that's what my brain wants me to believe, I know that's not who he is. I know he's both tactical and sensitive.
No day dreams. No day dreams. No more messing shit up Melissa. You said you wanted time with you. You basically left Neal and Him, moved to Flint in the middle of a water crisis, busted your ass for months to get out, to move back to Toledo, and then have Benga come along, and give so much of you this shell of a person is all you have left. You got nothing Kid. Nothing!
Melissa, you have philosophical debates with yourself. You sometimes/ most of the time don't even get out of your pajamas. The highlight of your year was going off on two different bosses because you were tired of being a doormat. You jumped out of a plane. You want to see the world. You're writing again. While financially this is a great opportunity, don't fuck it up by falling in love. You just lost everything because you fell in love. You still have to get shit back before you can lose it again. You haven't recovered those losses. Have yet to recoup.
He doesn't want to work with you because he wants to fall madly in love.
Stop thinking about kissing him now.
Stop it Melissa.
Fuck Brain come on.
You know he doesn't want the same things as you. Yes he has adventure in his heart, he doesn't ever want to be married again. Something he made very clear before. OMG stop you're that far ahead and you haven't looked at him yet. It's crazy. Stop. He's not freaking out. He's not worried. He likely thinks you're fucking mental already.
Dated off and on for two years, and now he knows I'm crazy??.. go fucking figure. The things you can disguise in the midst of desire. I hate that I'm such a freak.
Fuck.
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