Namaste

I guess I've likely spent way too much time smoking weed the last couple days and not being home. I haven't written in too long. Too distracted by my own enthusiasm.

So that chapter finally has an ending. Maybe that's what I needed anyways. I'm not ready to write it, but I am ready to work on other chapters. My soul is in it today. I got my headphones on, and I know who's chapter is next.

Nicholas. I spoke to him nicely the other night at Ed's funny enough, trashed drunk even odder, I'm not usually nice to him when I've been drinking. He and I don't usually speak. I'm way too alpha at saying how it is and his own dominate nature finds me condescending. So it's been a while. But I as he told me he didn't honestly think I cared about him or supported him that made me not his friend. I had to explain I don't have to agree with you to be your friend,  I'm still me. And just because I don't agree with your choices doesn't mean that I don't love you. It just means I wouldn't choose that course of actions for myself. Not true is you're an alpha and alpha... clash of the hard heads to him.

But I think it's a good chapter to start writing again.

Also, Nicole "My Person" and I were talking and decided I really did grow up. I told her I don't like big girl pants. They are high-waisted, high waters that are two sizes too small. I want to go back to doing cocaine and fucking everyone with no self control.


Not letting my pain determine my character. Every person on Earth is walking their own path. You can't make people love you. And I can only pilot my mission. I can only be me, try to be good because that's what the world needs more of, and hope that one day, someone's path comes near my own and they wind up going the same direction where we can have some laughs, adventures, get on each other's nerves, and see the world.

Hurt causes more hurt. Healing causes more Healing. Namaste

Lessons

Maybe the life lesson here is to run before it's too late. I always stay too long, deer in headlight syndrome.

I called it how I seen it I stayed, and if I would any longer, even without him being a dick, lets be real, it would be a love square of doom, and squares are just people stuck in the same boxes.

I don't need in that box. Individually I like them all separately.

No joke. I love Ed. But I love everyone in the world. Jess has a broken kind spirit, and I want to help her, but 1. I know I will help because she needs it, and just because I'm hurt by the situation doesn't mean that it has to change who I am as a human. So breast pump, shoes for baby girl, clothes if needed. I'll do anything, and even though it hurts, she can't help hers anymore than I can.

So I can be anyone's friend from a far.

Eric hasn't been anything but kind to me. I feel sorry for him in the way I feel sorry for myself. Damaged and keeps trying. But some efforts are too little too late. I don't know what to make of it.

Lexie says all types of things about Jess, I didn't say anything I didn't already voice.. the Love triangle of doom and the fact I think they are both in love with one another. And she says it's just Ed.

Nope.. Ed has always been thing guy inserted in someone else's life in these weird "uncle Ed" ways and he has no reason to put himself out there, he has a woman at home that he doesn't much have to answer to except the subtleties of hurt. Which he did punish me for.

Ultimately I forgive those who never apologize. I'll move on... It will be weird as fuck giving the cold shoulder at work, but I think it's for the best. Not to Jess or Eric, I think Jess needs to learn to love herself. Without a man. You can't expect someone to fix you. Those are excuses. You gotta dig deep and heal that shit.

And I will forever give credit to Ed for every kind thing he has ever done for me. He was almost always a gentleman when he wasn't trying his hardest to be a jerk. But that's his defense.

And I've spent enough time alone, and learning who I am and who I am not willing to be, and I know I'm not dimming my light because it scares anyone, put some fucking sunglasses on because I'm going to shine on. Spent way too much time changing me for others to control. Ed does have control issues too. And no communication skills for an adult over 40.

I open my mouth, I say fucked up shit, my pride doesn't stop me from apologizing. But frankly I'm not punishing other people for faulty people in my pasts mistakes.

If you can't handle it, I'm still just going to be me. I can do that like a brick wall too.

\

Naked

Maybe I just like the feeling of jumping off of buildings because before I hit the ground, I can feel the wind in my face. And what's living without trying to fly?

I have high expectations. Also why I live so disappointed so often. I want to be bitter but mostly I can't be bitter and the coffee. And I suppose either way it goes, I didn't stop being me or dim my own light because someone else was afraid to see me shine.

And it hurts. It hurts every time. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't leap.

The world needs more of me. More living the unapologetic, too bright, love. Lovers of leaping.

Leapers of feelings. Leapers who haven't been in so much darkness they still spark with just a flint.

I don't blame anyone for being afraid of fire. I just need someone who has balls as big as mine. I need someone who finds what they love and like Bukowski says, lets it kill you.

And without a doubt, and it may never change, mine will be love. I love Love.

It just figures.

And he owes me an apology. I'm flawed. I don't have to treat people like shit because of it.

Fear

I've been personally afraid of a lot of things in my own life I try not to judge others for their own.. I've grown out of the majority of them as I've grown up some. The biggest being afraid to be myself. I know who I am.

In the last 24 hours I have had my stupid bleeding heart ripped out of my chest for just that. Being me.

Edelmiro. He's incredibly sexy, and funny, and smart. His heart is so huge the man literally spends his time trying to help raise someone else's kids. Making sure they don't go without. Pretty fucking admirable quality.

7 years I've known him. Dated him twice. We both did wrong to one another.

I came to a point after Benga I begged God to take my heart from my chest, I didn't want it anymore, I didn't want the capacity to love anyone else anymore. I only wanted to care about my own circle which was only the size of a fucking period at the end of a sentence. I still try to be a good human, but I didn't want to love ever again. It hurts. Too much so much.

I hadn't spoke to Ed in 3 years. We make amends. I'm enthralled in it. Mostly I just want to get over our weird so we could really be friends. We start hanging out. We have a blast together. So much I flashback to all the wonderful things he ever did for me, even for my kids. My brain calculates a formula to just show him I'm sorry for being to retarded to know what they were before but mostly with everything in me I just wanted to give him them back. He deserves it.

There was a huge flaw in my plan. My stupid fucking heart feels. And then we were having fun and he kissed me. And two million feelings I didn't want and wasn't ready for came flooding to the surface. He makes me laugh and smile. And who wouldn't want that.

The worst of all the problems, I just spent nearly a year not sleeping anymore. Days of endless insomnia. It stopped. I could sleep again. I after spending so much time restless and angry and without him trying to do anything gave me back my sleep. Until the last week. I'm waking up in the middle of the night even after eating 12 fucking benadryl.

Before we hung out last night, it was a week and a half ago. I broke my leg. I fought with my Nana just to hang out with him. Because I love spending time with him. Because I can laugh again. He spends 5 hours in the hospital with me. He babies me. And for as many times the words I don't want anything romantic came out of his mouth, he opened up and told me he really did like me a lot. And he kissed me kissed me. There had been a couple of nice ones before that, but with that one and his words, I wasn't afraid of him. Not of letting him in. I thought that after all this time we always were in some weird cosmic closeness somehow. And I thought we both had grown up enough that we could take our time and actually appreciate each other. Had me call him when I got home and talked to me for a minute, he was happy. Sent me this gif of Jack and Sally holding each other. Like our dark and twisty was going to be okay and everything in the universe, even though I just broke my fucking leg, was alright.

For those who read this and don't know me. I would do anything for the people I care about. Ed wooed me the first two times, I didn't want him to think I was helpless or just wanted him for those reasons. I just liked him for him. Which I know is still a mess. I do. But I just want to give him back 1 oz of the kindness and woo he gave me.

Yesterday, we went out to have fun. I ended up crying over pancakes. He admitted to me repetitively how he doesn't want anymore making out, dry humping, or anything like that. And I was fine in awkward phase, where it was sweet, and strange, and like we were 5th graders with crushes, because despite what his words said, he spoke to me through his actions. And honestly I respected everything he said, but he initiated all the romance... mr I don't want romance started it.

So now I'm sitting here, loving this guy who doesn't care I love him because it's scary. Because it's easier to hurt me than it is to just accept he has feelings. So I at 33 feel stupid. Crying all day because he couldn't even apologize or admit he played a huge part in any of this. Or even the truth, he's just as much afraid of being hurt as everyone else on the face of the earth. So he safe guarded himself.

So in less than two weeks I went from happy, laughing, kissing, being excited about a human who loved spending time with me too, for him to tell me in so many words I'm not worth anything and he was a brick wall. This man backed up from me when I stepped into his space. That was excruciating. I just gave my all to hang out with a guy who recoiled at the thought of me like that. Recoiled.

And then after the fact screamed at me because his friend drove him into a ditch and I came to save him putting myself in danger to do so, and he yelled at me. Me... this girl with a broken heart, a heart he initiated contact with, and then hurt, that still came to his rescue.

And I'm intense. I'll fucking give him that all day any day. But am I really that fucking horrible of a human being because I love him? Because I have a heart?

I didn't ask for him to kiss me. I didn't ask for him to dance with me in his kitchen. I didn't ask for him to rub my shoulders and be sweet and wrap his legs and arms around me. I didn't do anything but fucking be me.

The worst part? I said something stupid in a moment of frustration and it hurt him. Not only did I not mean it but I bent over backwards to apologize. Because I care. And because it hurt him, I know he has fucking feelings. Not only did he tell me but his actions has shown me over and over again. But he didn't want them either. So the easiest thing he can do to cope with it, it push me away. To be cruel the only time I got to leave my house to have fun in two weeks. And plan a whole evening when it was just supposed to be us, fun, the way I left it when I dropped him off at home the last time. His just being honest and kissing me because he wanted to.

I didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to have feelings, for fucks sake I'm fucking terrified too. But I don't take fears out on him.

I just gave him a piece of me I've never given to anyone. And all he wants is me to shut down this heart he very much helped open. And I don't want to fucking shut it. I just wanted us to be us.

So I'm scared that I loved someone, I'm scared they pushed me out, I'm scared I know I can't take back the things I shared with only him. I'm scared these tears won't stop. I'm afraid I lost him as my friend. I'm afraid to ever want to care about someone again.

Mostly I'm afraid to be me again anymore. I am always dancing on my own.

My Old friend Insomnia

I've been maintaining sleep pretty well for a while now, not so much maintaining writing but sleep okay.. so I figure I'm up and I do need to get back into the habit.

Yesterday didn't really go as planned, but he did say a few sentences. Which is better than complete exile. I'll take what I can get. And I guess we just start there? I've been bored and miserable without him. Broken leg sucks. I feel like a gimp when I walk around and worried pants grandma yells at me for trying to do everything. I did actually wear one of my braces and wrapped under it all day yesterday which I haven't actually done yet, but I really don't want surgery. I can't take this now... 8 months of this shit... no thank you.. 

So as long as my own stupid stubbornness doesn't get in the way, crossing my fingers only 6 more weeks. Maybe sooner... 

I did send Ed a long message detailing some of my own excruciating horrible deeds..  I was 5 beers deep.. drinking myself in sorrow.. at one point my grandma came to the garage and asked me why I was sitting in the freezing cold and dark....

I told her I'm upset about something I want to be alone and I'll be in eventually. She said ok. but really also...  Because I can't chain smoke in the house Nana??

My daughters father has called me twice this week telling me how much he loves me and how I really actually want to be with him.. I laugh hysterically at him. I needed a good laugh... He tries to convince me I do... then asks about why couldn't I be the person I am now when we were together...

For years now I tell him to let the past go... We haven't been together in 8 years.. that shit is dead and gone. I'm not that girl.. I grew the fuck up and maybe he should too. He bet me last night he could "still get the pussy" I died... H asked me why he couldn't hit it.. "Because you're toxic and I don't want anything to do with you like that, give it up, I have no interest"

I talked to him or I should say attempted to talk about Ed to him the other night, for the most part we maintain a friendship for Ny'lle. She makes fun of his ass too when he tells her how much he loves me and asks if I still love him, She tells his ass No just the same as me. So last night after he's asking about why he can't get the pussy he says it's because I went and got myself a ghramcracker...

Mind you he has a girl so when he's in my shit like this I assume she's at work and ask why she keeps letting him call me..She needs to take his phone away.

She does too.. we know he ain't paying the bill with his no job having ass....

My boss finally called me for a job the other day and I had to tell him I broke my leg, he talked to me for a minute getting the story and told me I better rest up that as soon as I'm healed I can come back to work. I can't fucking wait. I go stir crazy in the house. And I fucking hate facebook more and more every time I look at the shit because it's all I have to do. I do need to work on the book some more. My grandma got on the laptop the other day and shut down a month and a half of writing work without saving it. I still haven't looked to see how bad it was. It seriously maybe 3 different chapters all mid/almost finished and I haven't been able to bring myself to look.

So wish me sanity for the next 6 weeks, also motivation... if I apply myself I could just finish the fucking thing..

New wave

So I have decided it is our best interests if I adhere to his clear demand of space, communication or not. I am going to give him until Thursday and if I have not heard from him by then I'm setting my plan in motion.

I'm showing up at his doorstep with Jamaican food and liquor and my tail in between my legs. 

And instead of continuing to ramble on a nervous wreck in text messages, I am going to suck up my pride good or bad and talk to him face to face and tell him how I really feel. My bad habits, mannerisms, faults, and make sure he knows that I do love him, not in love, but I care ridiculously about him and I don't want him to go anywhere. Also let him know that no one can throw a lasso around the sun, and that includes me. And my heart is what radiates heat on its own. If I could wrangle it I would have done so a long time ago, but just because he is the object of my hearts affection doesn't mean anything but that, I enjoy him, I respect him, and I trust him. And I want to take my time in this lovely awfully awkward stage we're in because I like that he gets nervous, I think it's fucking adorable, I like the mystery and intrigue of it, and I think this is the best part. And this time, unlike the others, I want to really get to know him. What makes him tick, what he thinks, how he thinks, his fears, doubts, the things he loves.

I told myself I wasn't going to do this again, not with him, but not with anyone, and I made my peace with it.



But you can't throw a lasso around the Sun.   

Icebox

My heart is an icebox now that I'm cementing in a wall 100x100 deep and thick. No one is getting in here again. I'm going to cry this one out and I'm not doing this shit again. Bitter is what I believe they call it. That's my name from now on.

In the last week

I've seen Ed 3 nights in the last week. All progressively better each time. The last time we ran some errands, dropped my kids off at the dance, went to the bar down the road, had some bites and drinks, picked kids up, went back to his place.

He's more open this time. That or I'm actually listening. I hear what he's saying. It's still a lot of him talking and filling a sound void with words, but it's also him letting his guard down and actually telling me things about himself. Which is invaluable to me. It's priceless because he's being vulnerable. I appreciate it. It means the world to me actually. It's something I don't ever remember from the first two times. It's even more special I suppose because even after everything with me it means there's hope.

After he kissed me the other night I tried to throw out the fact I wanted to snuggle a couple days later and and it went over his head, and when I left the conversation with my tail in between my legs he apologized, I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I understand why he is so guarded and where he's at emotionally. I'm even okay with that. I feel like realistically with the things I know now we are very much in the same place being damaged and all. But I could love him. I didn't think I could before.

I was emotionally drained and even more fucked than I am now. Now I just want consistency. Now I don't want to trap him or tie him down or anything like that, I am very much happy with him the way things are. I like the mystery of it. I like the intrigue, and the magic of getting to actually know him.

The last night we hung out, I got snuggles. I got hot and heavy make out session. I got dry humping in his bed and rubbing his neck and it started off with me just going into his room and laying in his bed drunk, and then calling him into lay with me, he did, my legs wrapped around him, and face to face while I softly stroked his neck, and then softly started kissing the side of his face until I made my way to his mouth. And from there, hot and heavy face sucking. We talked too. I asked him if he realized how fiercely loyal I was. He started crying at one point. Burring his face in my chest apologizing. I held him. I liked holding him and telling him it was okay. I'm just not a girl who is full of betrayal. After that he did some crazy painful wrestling move on me. He was drunk and playful... I allowed it.

Then we went back and hung out with everyone else at his house. I also wanted to leave at one point and he his my keys with one of his roommates. It took me nearly an hour of begging them to get them back. Then he walked me to my car and was talking. I looked at him and told him to shut up and kiss me. Oh boy did he. God his mouth is like for real magical. I don't know if we had never made out before, I remember kissing him and not really being into it, I'm kinda mad at myself I wasted my time not doing it.

I'm a firm believer men kiss how they fuck... I did even ask at one point during the bedroom makeout session if he had a condom... he didn't. Probably for the best with my little fast ass getting turned on so much by it. MMMMMMmmmmmm. So serious.

I did admit I may have of manipulated him into hanging out with me a couple times before that. We were leaving the bar and I forgot how it got brought up but I asked him if he hit me up that night I was with his friend Lexie because he saw the picture I posted on FB. He said yes and asked why? I instantly changed my mind about and told him if I told him then he would always wonder and then I would have to overthink his overthinking and that's so much work and I honestly just want what I want and it shouldn't have to be that difficult.

He made me tell him anyways. I explained I wanted to hang out with him and I knew if I posted the picture that I was with Lex that he would see it and hit me up, and I had actually did my hair and nails before Lexie even had agreed to hang out with me because my intention the entire time was just to hangout with him and I shouldn't have to manipulate him to gt what I want I should just be able to say I want to hang out.

I think he was more impressed than anything.

I like him. It's been 7 years. I am a lot different than I was before. And even though we're hanging out all the time, we aren't dating. So I get all the good and none of the bad. And he is fucking awesome. Like funny, sexy, smart, adventurous, insightful, entertaining.

And I found out he used to live right down the street from me growing up for a little while. Like he's somehow always cosmically so close to me. I believe in fate. I believe in God and the universe and even though the chances are ridiculously small... I do believe in love. And I do believe maybe after all this time, if we keep finding our way to one another that he could be it. He doesn't like change, neither do I. He has a lot of the same values and interests even though we are polar opposites...

We kind of go together like Ying and Yang. I don't even find myself remotely interested in seeing anyone else. I don't have the heart to do it. I find myself intrinsically ready for him. And rather than acting out when he says or does something that upsets me, I make the grownup choice of being very clear and honest with him. So far so good.

I could love him. Something in me says I already do and yet I've never been more okay with going slow with something in my entire life. I don't want him to run, I want him to feel safe, secure, and know if he ever decides to love me again, I am not only worth it, but he will have a lions love. Protective of his heart, and his mind, loyal, giving and kind, and honest. I want what I missed out on the other two times when we were both too stupid.

The best thing I could ever say... Is only time will tell.

Tonight

Secret adventure with Ed this evening. I took him with me to run an errand and then I took him for drinks. I love spending time with him.. most the time.

I may have let him drink too much. I saw him cry for the first time. So at least I know he has a soul now. He also choked on his drink at the bar and spit all over everything. Slightly funny. Also kept spilling his last drink. To the point the bartender gave him a straw for his beer.

He danced with me in his kitchen. Rubbed my shoulders... At one point wrapped his legs around me sitting on his counters and planted a big ol kiss on my cheek. And then kissed me again on my mouth after dancing with me. I tried to kiss him back and he made a big joke about how I tried to slip him the tongue. ... I was just kissing him back.


He is a handful. He did have about 20 shots. Jess the roommate's girlfriend was so sweet to me. She says she likes me and he talks about me to her... I'm not sure what that means. She told him I loved him... I looked away, when she walked away I looked at him and said she said that not me. For him to be so reserved, and then get touchy feely with me... that speaks mountains about whats going on in his head. Jess kept saying all the things he needs and I tried to tell her he's not ready. He's not. I know him very well. But I can also say he's def afraid. In the same ways I am. He has the potential to hurt me. I already have feelings. I sincerely care deeply about him already. He terrifies me.

I like him. I liked dancing, and laughing and smiling. I like when I went to leave after putting Kid Danger to bed he told me No, and told me to go to the kitchen and was affectionate. I need that in my life. I just hope regardless that he learns to trust I have no ill will. I just want to treat him well and hold him and grow with him. I'm totes cool taking our time. I think we both need that. Slow and steady is the only way we'll ever know.

It's been years and somehow the universe keeps making us find our way to one another. I think that's something worth trying, even if it hurts every time. Maybe we eventually get it right. Maybe that's why we always look at each other the same way.

My Merry Go Round of Indecisiveness

So in the life of Melissa, me.. there has always and forever been a wheel of I don't knows. Always spinning never knowing and going with the flow of uncertainty.

On one hand, we have Mario. Dated formerly. Always fun. Fantastic. Kind. Adventurous. Never jealous. Hardworking. A bit eccentric. But great. Wants to date again. I told him my plate is full. I told him I'm not ready as my brain never knows up or down and I'm really trying to get my shit together. He checks on me. My health, my well being. He's patient and nurturing. These are incredible qualities. Lives about 40 minutes away. Haven't really hung out in years. Never did anything to hurt me. And we have fun together. Okay with relationships. Knows what I want out of life. And had never told me there isn't a hard no in that for him. Knows I have a huge fear of intimacy and deals with it.

On the other hand. Ed. Who is a show boat, generous, kind, fun to be around, hardworking, forgiving, attractive, close, fuels this fire I have inside to have intelligent conversations and is so fucking smart. He's sarcastic, which means he understands the darkness of humor I have inside me. He always enjoys the shenanigans that occur with me. We also dated already.. twice. Ending horribly both times. But there is something about him I am inevitably attracted to. I love being around him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's focused on work. Never wants to be married again. But still has this uncontrolled way of flirting. It's a natural ability for him. I gravitate to it. We keep hanging out. Started working together, and from there "working on a working friendship" Oddly enough while we weren't together and I think about him often, I find out he does the same and even stranger, lives right down the road from where I had been working and to me it's almost like fate intertwining us waiting on us to get our shit together.

I hung out with a mutual friend of Ed and I's. I got myself dolled up first knowing there was a large possibility of seeing him as they lived close and I posted pictures of the two of us having fun on Facebook. I of course was right. Spent hours with him, drinking, laughing, making awesome eye stares. Even asking him when he hit us up if he was trying to escape his roommates kids and that's why he wanted to hang out.. he said that wasn't "his reason" but didn't tell me what the reason was. I played coy.


I have a dream about Mario last night. He was going to ask me to marry him. In my dream he's just waiting around to ask me and I'm getting dressed but I can't decide what I want to wear. I try on like 30 different things and by the time I'm ready, he has decided he didn't want to wait on me and leaves me. Then this women goes postal and starts killing everyone in this building. Like a shit ton of people.

My interpretation.. My indecisiveness will cause a disaster. That I have someone waiting who is ready and wants the same things as me and then I can't make up my mind, he gets fed up and I lose him. It's fucking prophetic. And I know it is.

So knowing this you think it would be easy for me to just stop everything I'm fucking doing and just date and be with Mario right? ... Fuck No. Not in my damn brain. Ed is impulsive and I like that. I like the excitement and the plotting to win him over. I enjoy it. I go after what I want with perseverance. I am strong willed. If you tell me no and I want it, it will make me work with a boldness no one knows. It fuels me even more to get what I want. But what's worse is I want him.. but I know with almost a certainty that it will likely end badly. He's temperamental and jealous, I'm vivacious and a flirt. Not really the best qualities to mesh. But, he understands my thought process on a almost deeply intellectual brain to soul level. We are polar opposites like ying and yang.

This is my merry go round. Fuck me.


I should also throw in that Mario went on a date with anther girl and I got jealous... the same as when Ed and I hang out and he's texting on his phone. My brain doesn't like itself today.

At the hospital last night.. TMI

So I cervical cancer and have been in pain for a couple of days and end up finding a lump and go to the hospital... this is the complaint I filed with the hospital afterwards as well at the state boards..



I was in the ER last night with a mass on my perineum. I was taken to the express care. I had a nurse named Mike and a NP named Shawn were in charge of my care. When Shawn came in he had his scribe, and asked if he could examine me. I agreed thinking another nurse would be present, but no. He did the examination right there, couldn't find the mass as he has my legs spread wide open in front of scribe. After he cannot find the mass to the point I have to physically show him, the area and then he still misses it and decides to prescribe me antibiotics. I felt highly uncomfortable, as I said I was in a severe amount of pain I had already rated to 7-8. After he left I paged my nurse and the NP came back in the room and asked if he could help me, I said no, I would prefer to speak to my nurse, he asked again if everything was okay, I said I was fine and I just would prefer my nurse he said okay and then sent Mike back in the room. I informed Mike I was not comfortable with this doctor, he hadn't felt the mass at all and I wanted to see an attending as I was in actual pain and wanted to know what was wrong with me. He told me that was fine and then sent the original NP back into my room alone where he harassed me for the next five minutes about why I needed an attending, letting me know they were busy with actual sick patience, and he could get one but they would ask him why, and he doesn't want me to complain today so he'd like to fix the problem. I several times let him know I was well within my rights to ask for an attending and I was not comfortable with him and I didn't want to speak to him. He did not back down, I felt alone and Isolated and scared at this point. I was in a closed room where I had asked men for help and both of them took advantage of their positions and allowed this to happen. After being badgered for the longest five minutes of my life in this room alone with Shawn I finally told him I came into the hospital in pain, you didn't feel the mass at all you felt around it, I came for a reason, I've never had anything like this before, and I don't know why I'm being refused the right to see an attending. He asked me if I wanted him to call my Gynecologist. I said NO, I want to see an attending. He asked if I wanted him to order an ultrasound. I said to start yes, I have a mass in my perineum, it's painful I'd like to know what it is. He told me he thinks that's a good idea too, and he would order that for me but I would have to get undressed again. He continually letting me know he just wants to make sure I'm not going to call and complain today. So I have transport come for me, offered to give me a wheelchair, I refused as it hurts to sit down, and he allows me to walk. Thankfully a woman administered the ultrasound, and found the mass immediately after I told her where it was. When the nurse Mike came back for me he brought me a wheelchair that I tried to refuse and he insisted I sat down. I go back to my room already appalled at the nature of these two individuals and wait for my results. When the NP Shawn comes to deliver the results he lets me know that I had a Cyst or Abscess ( just as he thought)  exactly where I told him it was and that I might have puss come out of my vagina, with a very foul odor,there was a 50/50 chance it could go away itself but I also could just have puss coming out of my vagina, and a very foul odor and needed to go to my actual gynecologist. Also another reason I needed to schedule an appointment with my gyno immediately as he doesn't feel comfortable cutting it out, but it did need to be done, if it didn't just go away on its own and he wasn't comfortable doing that procedure there in the ER. He then asked, "Are we good now?" To which I'm trying to gather my things, and I said yeah. He then kept pushing me again asking me are you sure? because I want to make sure you think you were taken care of and that we have no problems. To which I responded to him, "No, I think the level of unprofessional-ism between you and my nurse was uncalled for, that when a patient who says multiple times they are uncomfortable with you while they are in a room alone, and asking for an attending and you keep pushing, you should instead get an attending, especially because you are a male and I am a female and you were dominating over me to get what you wanted and I'm a previous victim of sexual assault." He then looked at me and only at that point asked if I wanted an attending.  As if 45 minutes before that I had to listen to an endless amount of reasons why I could not speak to one as I was backed into a corner.  This situation is beyond outrageous. I assume in whatever they do on an everyday basis telling patients asking for higher up doctors that "I guarantee I've seen more women's vaginas than them and I know what I'm doing far more than they do, this is my area of expertise" may be comforting to some people, but left me in horror. The NP Shawn and his bedside manner not only scared, intimidated, and bewildered me, the fact I asked for a non partial person Mike the nurse to get me an attending to avoid that entire situation and he followed up by sending the NP back in my room let me know that it was  a boys club and my patient rights did not matter, my human rights did not matter, and they thought because I was a woman I would just adhere, something by the way they both acted I assume they got away with before. My rights were raped from me last evening. I am beyond furious, Not only has a doctor let alone a NP never administered a half ass pelvic exam without another medical professional in the room, never have I ever had to literally point out exactly where the problem was accruing because they didn't listen, but the fact they thought it was okay to have an abrasive encounter in the room with me alone without other witnesses or a patient advocate is dumbfounding. The manner in which this doctor talked to me after the results was foul, and disgusting. The Np or ER nurse had no idea what each individual patient has ever had to deal with in their lives and cornering a previous victim of sexual assault in a room alone badgering me I'm still shocked and horrified.  This was a gross Ethics violations, this is malpractice. I am a human being and expect when you go to a place to be cared for that it's actually what happens. Not to mention, not once was my pain treated except I was offered a prescription of naproxian while I was being discharged. I am still livid any person walking into a hospital could be treated this way. 

So I voted.... kinda

I believe the system is rigged... so I did what I had to do.

Also I'm still mad he sent me a picture with old girls tits and nipple out... And I wonder how many people he sent that too that also noticed...

Not smart unless you want to be caught..

Why would that ever be an okay thing to do... also I talked to Jelly last night and told her how salty I was that he fucked her sister.. 

because her sister is not a good human being in general...

She informed me to never sleep with him again because her sister has the herp.

Hmmmm... wonder if knows that.

And not that I think that I'm better than anyone, but my baby daddy did too after we split and I don't think we are even in the same category of people. Her sister blackmail people, helped get Jellys kids taken away, holding her boyfriends kids hostage over a $5k loan and has done so much foul shit that I know of that it's unreal...

I guess pussy doesn't have to have real character...  smh...

Here is part of my vote.. and the nipple picture.... 

Meeeeeeeee

I haven't written in days. I haven't even blogged in days. My brain says so many other things are way better. Sleep. The couch. Food. Painting my nails. Checking facebook relentlessly. I need my brain to work better right now. I need focus.

I got nothing.

I did reject five people yesterday. I'm just not in a place emotionally to try to date anyone. I think they are a distraction I can't really afford. I don't need help distracting me. They are all really nice people, don't get me wrong. 2 of them took it well, I'm not sure Mario did...

I don't have anything to give anyone else, I don't have enough for me yet. And the second I thought about turning on the switch to the vacancy sign, all of them started forming a line. I promised myself I wouldn't do it, I would work on me. I don't always want to be a hot mess. I want to have my shit together. It fucking sucks.

I am making headway with Ed being my friend again. I'm taking him out tomorrow, it's a non-date. We are just going to do things as friends. So I have some tricks up my sleeve. Hopefully we can get passed this. We seemed to do alright at work the other day when I took him. We did have another person with us that broke up the weird, it would of been weird to be weird considering everyone thinks we are just friends.

None of them knowing the better about us being scornful ex lovers. I'm hoping it will all be okay. In my head it will be. So im hoping that even though it's going to be raining tomorrow that I can get him to have a little fun... I told him to dress comfortable and warm as we would be in and outside.

Asked if he was allergic to anything I should know about... Nope..

Okay then my plans, even though it's raining should go off without a hitch. Lets hope we can have a few good laughs and a bomb ass time. I'm leaving the details out right now for the simple fact I don't want him to wonder casually in here and find them out... I like to be chalk full of surprises.. I hope it's not full blown thunderstorms though... it's the only thing that could fuck it all up.. Crossing my fingers.

Wish me luck yo.

All that shimmers in the End

So falling even more in love with Spotify by the second. I don't know why I haven't had it but for the last couple of months and then on top of that only just fucking with it.. but this girl is a happy chick today.

I finally heard back from the places beyond reach. He doesn't hate me. That should take some of the nerves off of the rest of my writing prerogative so I can focus.

Funny enough I thought about texting the one baby daddy yesterday knowing I was writing that chapter. He ended up on the phone with our daughter half the night. Drunk of course, but none the less, I was getting out of the shower and heard him on the phone, asked if his ears were ringing.

So crossing my fingers that I can finish this chapter today. I stopped after 13 pages yesterday, although I had submitted for hitrecord and heard back from one of the curators. So I always feel slightly accomplished when I at least push stories there.

My hands are freezing though. And even with my meds today I feel my focus slightly off. Although admitting to my doctor my meds trail off and I'm doing 5 hours and redbull on top of them did get him to agree (his suggestion) to up my dosage so that I stop with all the extra. So we're on our way to almost the correct dose, that I was on for ten years before I switched states. Stupid doctors not listening trying to fix everything... Asshats.

Also... my son was driven home yesterday by the school officer, who told me it wasn't his fault, he was getting bullied and a teacher jumped on the bus and took him off because he was yelling...

okay..

So I called today to figure out exactly who did what. This fucking teacher had some balls. Admittedly he took my kid off the bus and then got pissed when i asked him about his special ed training. He kept assuring me he had it and running in circles with his words offended. Ummm.. No. Answer the question... Pissed when I told him to me this is a two party system and while I'm not justifying what my son did, it's part of his diagnoses when he feels threatened. Told me I'm not taking responsibility.

To which I cut him off and explained I work in the school system and deal with a plethora of children whose parents don't give a damn at all and all go diagnosed and it's chaos on a daily basis. So while I'm inquiring about what the hell was going on, I am experienced, and my concern isn't just for my son as this was now the second time something on the bus has happened, and the bus driver herself needed training, and when dealing with children like him with multiple diagnoses that had he had a little patience it would of gone a long way. I asked if anything was done to reprimand the other student?

He asked what other student....

Oh wow.. he really had no idea what the hell was going on.

I explained there was a high school student making fun of him and bullying him. That's why he was yelling in the first place. And had he been properly listened to then he would of calmed down knowing he was being heard.

He had no idea. So again proving my point that he was acting irrational towards a student with a disability.

I asked him blatantly if he knew what Oppositional defiant disorder was. He said yes. And I again asked if he had any formal training in dealing with a child with this specific diagnoses and maintaining he has ADHD as well as PTSD.

He was so fucking offended it was funny keeping it real. And again running his mouth in circles defending his actions.

I cut him off and told him he wasn't actually answering the question. He irately said no he had no formal training but he's worked in the school system for 19 years and done a couple of conferences. 

Okay.. that is the answer. So you have zero mandatory training dealing with children with disabilities, to which I now get to presume neither do the bus drivers. Thank you for the actual answer.

Told him again, I'm not defending my son, but the concern, why he's getting momma bear protecting her cub, is the fact this isn't our first incident and the first time my son was actually assaulted and removed and nothing was done to the other child. So the bus driver is actually a big concern for me currently.

He calmed the fuck down. I let him know I would be in contact with the school special ed directer and thanked him for his time.

Being super real though, I work in an urban school setting and my kids go to white bread suburban america school.

Hug fucking difference. If you don't have the heart to work with kids in any circumstance maybe you shouldn't be teaching, especially if it requires you to exude patience. Give me a fucking break. And he's teaching at the same fucking school he attended. I went to school with the guy. Lmfao.

Urban school is 30 kids to a classroom with no supplies all fighting each other with no respect for adults. Parents using the school system as a  glorified babysitter.  Till you have half the class throwing shit at one another calling every one out don't talk to me about training.

Merica.

Hurting my own damn Feelings

Benga. Lord help me.

So honestly, I don't really creep on him. Haven't in a long time. It's taken me nearly 6 months to begin to feel human again. To start to heal. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I wanted to die. I was in love with him He never wanted me. He'd fuck with my head and be with me physically and then mentally say he wanted nothing. The last time I tried to date when we were still "best friends" That's when he was totally cool with me cheating. Calling me over.

He did a lot of shit for me. He was an amazing provider and hard worker. But we had a house filled with shit and no love. It was awful. So honestly, creeping on him isn't the brightest thing I could ever do. I avoid speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. Only the major things. He doesn't visit our dog. He doesn't check in on me. We have gone our separate ways. Not an easy thing to navigate after spending three years of your life with someone. But it did get fucking ugly.

He swore I was evil incarnate and I still just think he has no understanding of how he fucked with my head. Which keeping it real, fucked my head way up. No one has pissed me off the way he could in like a decade. He brought the worst out in me. We were awful to each other and for each other.

Doesn't make me love him any less. I always will. He's a piece of my life I will hate to cherish. Hes got the biggest heart and not the brain or common sense to navigate the world with it. And I miss him. Not so much that I would ever go back to that life, but in general, he was my very best friend for a long time. He knows the fragments of me that I don't. The ugly pieces he was always amazing at pointing out like he never had flaws.

So my son stole an old cell phone of mine, that I am now using for music. And his fb update pops up. Now I personally am not friends with him, it would rehash too many hurts, again it's best we avoid one another. But my dumbass looked.

I don't even know why. He looks good. He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life. He will never accept that, always blaming me for everything that happened. I take full responsibility for my wrong doings. I had plenty enough of my own that I'm not taking credit for his too.

Not a chapter I'm looking forward too at all. I'm near dreading that day.

Mr Hottie Police Officer

So I've been in my bubble all day. I decided I needed some cigarettes and a walk. So I put the headphones on and start my journey...

I'm walking through the park and an officer is out of the car, with the door open, and across the street. Now I have no idea what cop it is, we've had a bunch of new ones here. So I remove a side of my headphones and let them know the only reason they can get away with that is because of the town we live in. He starts walking up asking me to repeat myself.

I know this voice. As he's approaching I realize it's Jason. I'm pleasantly surprised because he quit our force a few years ago. With my son being a constant mess I've had my share of run ins with him. So we start talking... for 20 minutes catching up. He's talking to me about what he's up to in life, where he's been, how long he's been back, how often he's here, how much he's making here and at his other full time job. ... 🤔 strange but okay. And he's fucking hot.

So I'm chatting it up, highly interested. He's one of the good guys. And we keep up this nice little chat until another local pulls up and beckons his name out. Apparently all of us locals are happy he's back. I say goodbye and put my headphones back on and start my trail again. This time with a little extra pep in my step.

On the way back from the gas station... that he knew I was walking to because he asked what I was out doing... he pulls up in front of me at the fire station, gets out of the car and starts talking to me some more 🤔....

Way more brief this time. But he's eye fucking me. I can dig it. Really I can. So as I'm about to walk away he says something and slightly turns his head. I give him a good small eye fuck back and tell him goodnight. Go back to strutting my stuff to my music.

Hello.. yes please... wear the uniform too..

That was a nice break of my day. Perked me up some.

I keep dancing on my own

Ten pages total now. 3 for the previous chapter got completed before I rearranged my thoughts.

7  on the new chapter, which is nice because I know it'a only a part of the way done. Although, if  I'm keeping it real, isn't a very happy chapter to rehash either. None the less at least I can look at it third person and objectively. Important concept for my writing. My ass is starting to hurt though. I need to get a real work station. Sitting in front of the couch I sleep on every night at the laptop on the floor.

This is how I write. Occasionally getting up to smoke and stretch. I should be happy I got that much done, but honestly I'm thinking about how much I have to do. I know the next part of the piece is going to be a lot more than 7 more pages. He was a whirlwind. I got stories for days about him.

All of me just wants to text Ed and asks if he hates me. I think I'd only be adding fuel to the fire. Doesn't stop me from having to tell  my brain not to do something. I need to keep being distracted.

Working is helping. This song on repeat isn't though. And if I wasn't so in love with it, I could turn it off. It's what I fell asleep to last night.

I just had a comment for the story I submitted for the book from one of the curators. She said it was quite powerful. I lived it. I know. It's the ugly truth I wasn't afraid to look back on now. 

Dog days are over.

Getting there today. Started a new chapter because my heart isn't in the right place to be emotionally honest enough for the other one. Surprisingly actually. I usually have personal accountability down.

I will say in saying that though it's not easy to say certain things. The hard things that no one actually wants to say. The good, the bad, or the ugly. We all live in a constant state of denial for the most part. Being honest about them means we have to face ourselves. And I relish in life lessons. I often spend my time talking to the universe about the mishandling of my own life. Wisdom is a great teacher.

I used to pray for other gifts too. I prayed for patience for a long time until I realized that God doesn't sprinkle fairy dust. I wish it did. Really I do. But instead it gives you more opportunities to exhibit patience instead. So, knowing me, and that I would likely never step up to that plate, the best thing for everyone who was involved in any of those situations was actually to stop praying for things I wouldn't use.

Wisdom though, I use. I like being wise. It gives me a choice to use my own life experiences to do the world some justice by learning. I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with it, I'm happy to divulge in it. So as I am writing, I've moved passed the place where maybe I can be honest and say I'm not ready to go there, those two stories both may have to be the final chapters I write. Especially Ed's. I'm not sure that chapter has an ending. Even more so now than before. I don't know if we will live in a constant state of awkward forever, and how do I write something without a finish?

You can't. I need more details. I need more awareness before I strut into those pages blindly.
It's a lion and lamb story. And as Florence and the Machine plays in my headphones I'm making my peace with it as much as I can. Being resonate with it. I'll do what I can when I can. I just wish I knew his head space. That would make it a hell of a lot easier. I almost wish he would just tell me fuck me. That I can deal with perfectly fine. I'm a person in life that knows rejection like the back of my hand. I've destroyed enough people that I can handle hate. I know disorder. I know how to pretend everything is fine and smile in someone's face. Its the unknowing that kills me. That eats me alive at night now. Space, not just a place to shove stars but a place to keep all the misgivings of my putrid lovers gone astray.


The hollow place that's never full enough after I spent so much time full of myself.

I'll have to get used to discomfort again. The vast emptiness of my wrong doings. It's a sea of that I drown in often. It's a reason I hide now.

On a lighter note, I have submitted to hitrecord today. Which is an open outlet for the finesses of my brain. So moving forward...

I hope I can dye my hair soon. lol.

Big fish in the Pond

I am not going to procrastinate today. I wrote 5 pages yesterday. I will double that today. I have my face on, laundry going, headphones on, took my adderall, I will knock this chapter out today. And if I can't for any reason, I will redirect myself to my outline and just start another.

You know some ex's are fun or funny to write about... Maybe it's who I was during the time where I was involved with the both of them, but really, not much fun rehashing that shit actually. I thought the one would be easier that the other. Fuck fake cancer scarred me for life. But I think in the thick of it. they both did. They both had massive damage points. Regardless, I can't write a first person narrative non-fiction without those chapters. I need those chapters... it's part of the story. I really do hate fake cancer though. I should be bigger but really I'm not.

Paramore in background. I can bitch rock out to this shit. I have to get a hold of Bobby to see if we're still going out tonight. And I need to reschedule with River. hopefully if we decide to go goth out tonight I can convince her to meet me there instead. I need to get out more. I be in my feels way too much on my own, and not having other adults to have deep intellectual conversation leaves my brain to fuck with it's own matter.

Still favorite fun fact... Your brain named itself. Also I need to get a hold of the physicist to make our brain candy for other dimensions.  I need that vacation. I need to think about the giant picture instead of the box right in front of me I think it will most certainly help my writing anyways. Like immensely.

The scope of the entire atmosphere instead of small world small problems. 

I should be over all the butterflies

So I still didn't write anymore today. I need to. I don't know why my head space isn't there right now. I think this is what they refer to writers block. Maybe not though, it's all there, I just don't have the motivation to get it out.

I wish I knew how to be normal about the whole Ed thing. I wish even after I woke up sober and I was a dick today he would of said something. He attempted to be nice last night. I was still an ass. I'm not good at these people things. I want him to be cool yo. I want him to know me. I want him to want to want to know me. I want him to be the guy I apologized to. Who was lightweight excited to maybe know me again. I did miss him. I do just want to actually hug him. Hang out. Do something. Maybe even do nothing. Stare at a ceiling together and talk. Clear the air. I didn't really care. I just wanted to try. To get passed the weird. The hurt. The anger. The horrible between us. I wanted him to really know me. I never really showed him me before. And I thought we agreed we were older and wiser.

I thought that it meant we had an opportunity for a fresh start. Something brand new. That's why I just wanted to bypass the weird and get it out of the way. I just wanted to get it all out of the way so that when he looked at me I didn't see jaded. I hated myself for hurting him. The lingering pain devastates me. He was so awesome, even though he had faults. I don't blame him for his. I contributed. I had no idea how hurt he was about his marriage. We made jokes, I just thought he was morose like me.

I'm always dancing on my own.

His laugh is fantastic. His awkwardness, when he's not a jerk, is even nice too. I get it. I hurt him. I was self absorbed. I remember the last night we hung out. The night of the fight. He was drinking. He was always over zealous as a drunk. But I was sitting in chairs with Nick and he was standing talking to some of my mothers friends. Across the fire. He looked at me. His glasses were slipping down his face. I walked over and fixed them and gave him a kiss. I don't know if he remembers that. It was the last kiss we ever had.

There are these moments. Clear as day to me. I have my favorites. I have a lot of favorites. The day I met him. I see it like yesterday. The night at pride, I took his wallet, leaned my ass over the bar for maximum attention. I showed him off. I woke up in his car the next morning alone. I'm not sure what conspired after all the drinks. I went in my house and he was asleep on my couch. I guess I opened the door while driving and puked right in front of the police??

My birthday one year he bought me a set of disc's, took me to see the movie I had been obnoxiously waiting to see. Afterwards, we went for a drink at a bar a few miles from where I lived. We were the only ones in there. It was like nothing else in the world existed. And I know it's stupid, to hold on to these things like they just happened. Like nothing happened in between them. I know things did. But it's who I am. I hold tightly to good because it's so rare. He's rare.

The night his car battery died. We went up in Michigan to a farther course. A new one for me. Then he took me out to dinner. Famous Dave's. Then we were going to go for a drink. We did. and we started talking to this homeless guy in the parking lot. He dumped out some change for him. I think he referred to himself as hollywood. And we sat there talking with him forever. Listening to music. The battery died. We walked to the Park Inn and he got us a room. I was so afraid to be with him. So hesitant. He scared me so much. Saying it now is a hell of a lot easier than when we were there. We got up the next day and had breakfast in the hotel, and spent the majority of the day trying to figure out what was wrong with the car. I told him we needed a jump. After not listening to me and instead to his friend, who was wrong... eventually he got a jump and I was fucking hangry. I had been there all day. And I was right. The look on his face when the jump worked though. One of my favorites that stayed.

I still have pictures of us. Memories I couldn't bring myself to destroy. As if I could if I wanted to.

And now there is this. This awful. This I don't want feeling between us. He has always been head strong. And spiteful. His spite has always been destructive. I've always hated it. I can hardly even look him in his eyes. And I don't know if it's just because I'm still embarrassed about what happened. Or because I'm not nearly as hot. Because I hate the things that did go down. Because he did hurt me too. Or because I just have an instinct to tell him kind things. I want him to know all the wonderful things I think about him. He's not just a handful of past mistakes to me. So much more than that he's him.

The night he looked at me and told me he could love me. In his house, in his bed, we had just been out all day. He told me if I wanted him to, he could. I had prayed for someone to love me. (crying right now) My heart stopped. He saw me. I wasn't just nothing to him then. And now, I am.. just a nothing. And hindsight is 20/20 . Maybe in my life, in my story, I always figure it out too late. Maybe I don't ever get that kind of happy. Maybe it's never enough. Maybe we don't ever get to be friends again.

Perhaps there is always a lingering. An oddity of a feeling that doesn't pass. Because he can never trust me, or let that guard down again. Maybe he's always just an old lover. 5 years after I ask him out for the first time and I'm sitting here regretting every bit of the person I was that was too stupid to know. Who was too selfish and scared. With age comes wisdom, but what good is it to have all the knowledge in the world if you can't use it and apply it to life? I still don't think I could ever trust just anyone. Maybe I'm always too fucked up to love. I could really be doomed. Even after the first hang up between us. I was walking out of the doors at Pilot gas station. It was evening. I can remember the way the air felt on my skin. It was a little chilly. He was coming in as I was going out. Our eyes locked immediately. It was like no time had passed at all. It had been a year. A week before that I was swearing to the Universe I was ready for love. Swearing it again to her, my god was I wrong. But I didn't see him and that moment and think about any of the bad that had happened. It was like I was looking at my best friend. My soul lit up with excitement.

He always tried to make up for his wrong doings too. I know that. I don't think they were something he could buy his way back from. I think it was just something we needed time for. I don't know if that's he case now. I know I fucking think all this sucks. It sucks just wanting to have this piece of a person you knew and having it be estranged. I've slept next to him. He knows my family. I want to hug him. Have whole conversations. And I feel him hesitate. And I don't blame him. Really honestly I don't. That doesn't make it hurt any less.


Maybe even makes it hurt more. To know how bad I can mess some things up. And there isn't a golden opportunity to make any of it better. In fact, I'm pretty sure with all my anxiety about it all it's only cementing in him why he shouldn't. I am my own worst enemy.  I missed him. He was more than a lover. He was my friend. That's why it hurt so bad every time he left. Every time he did these things to make me go away too. Three years is a long time to be mad at someone. I hate that we hated each other. He used to make me smile.

I'm sitting here crying hating myself for hating him. Lord knows we both fucked up. Is it always too late? How is he so cosmically intertwined in my life if that's all?

I know I'm in a rush to get passed this because I have no tomorrow guarantee and I know that's not his fault. But I don't want to waste anymore of my life bitter and broken. Not saying the important things. Not caring when I have all the ability to in the world now. Life is short, too short not to give it my all. I can still smell him sometimes.

I know I'm the queen of strange. Maybe in another parallel dimension we got it right. Maybe just not this time in this life. I'm sorry.

3 times....

I've been asked out 3 times this week.

Mostly I don't think I still have that.. je ne sais quoi

But maybe I still have it...

I didn't lose it in the war of 42 lmfao.

Poly couples love me. The are never intimidated by me at all. I can dig it.

This is the gospel

So I've written 5 pages. That's a great start, considering I've walked away and been distracted the whole day. I left and got some squares. Chain smoking cancer patient. At least I have my humor. I find me funny.

I think Bobby and I are going to goth night tomorrow. I may have River meet me there. Get all dolled up with Bobby and rock the fuck out. I need a chic to make-out with anyways. And a ride home so I can lose control. Safely. He wanted to go last night but we both were already drunk so a little too late.

My uterus hurts today. My brain hurts more. My soul is uneasy today. Still pissed of about Eddie... Like seriously... Why tell me you'd like to get reintroduced to me and then act funny? I'm can be a bitch tired but I'm not like that. Purposely trying to pick a fight. I unfriended him on facebook. I'm sure he could care less. I don't need the shit. I don't need to see his little green online light. I don't need to fucking talk  to him. I hate everything to do with the oddness. Keep it real. Don't act like I'm a fucking weirdo.. I was nice to him. I was fucking in love with the dude at one point.

It only gets weirder for me. Welcome to the life of Melissa. The limbo that lays out the boundaries of life.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me I tried to be his friend? Like in my head I really made a grown distinction like we're both adults, we can do this. And not only did I say that, I was excited about it. I'm going to be pissed off at myself about this all week and have to pretend not to be mad when I actually see him on Saturday. Avoid avoid avoid. I'm the queen of that. I imagine he won't say shit to me anyways. I can't see why he would at this point.

So glad I had to break down my life story for you to be even a little nice to me. Fuck that, I still don't sympathy and I don't want it either.

I'm a girl with adventure built into my soul. A love that surpasses time. A will to want to do good. And a an energy that is a habitual line stepper.

I just desire someone to keep up. I'm not sure why no one can. It sucks. I thought he could. I though he was decent. I'm not sorry for apologizing to him, because exactly what I told him, I have to look at me in the morning, and I need to like me, I have no guarantee of tomorrow.

This guy from high school is texting me right now. I think he was complimenting me. I made a post while I was drunk last night about how I scare boys. Referring to Ed. And he commented how I always did. I told him I calmed down a lot. He said that doesn't sound good. That's when he dmed me..

Let me know he was always found me intriguing and intimidated by me.. Thanks? My fucking whole life I think it sums my relationships up pretty well. Men.. weak fucking creatures.

I want balls to the wall still. Especially sexually. I need someone who can handle my inner masochist. Surprisingly hard these days. I need someone who can grab me by my throat and throw me on a bed and take me, and have a enough of a beast in them I allow them to ballgag me and put me in a corner and let them degrade me. I need to be spat on. Called names. No one has the balls to do these things anymore. They are all so boring. Maybe its why I've been celibate so fucking long. My own longing to trust another human. Neal ruined me in that way. Even though I hate his fucking guts he's still top one. I need someone who is equally as filthy. I thought Ed might have it in him. I doubt it now. Maybe this is why I'm craving a woman so much. If I can't get it done to me I'll do it to them. Also a sadist in a switch hit way. Very rarely do I go hardcore on a man. I don't think I would respect them again after. But a woman.. I just assume she likes it like me and in that way I can take the reins and have control. I like it. We as women are in control of so many things it's nice to forget them. It's a release. Men rally are weak.


They just can't handle my fucking honesty. I don't need to sugarcoat shit. I don't need any fucking propaganda. Just be real. Which is the hardest thing for people to do anyways. I only can be one me. Who I am today very well might not be who I was yesterday or last week. Sure in hell isn't who i was years ago. I'm controlled chaos.

I'm fucking epic. I need epic back. Clearly I may be doomed to be alone forever. That or I'm just going to start fucking the roadies I see in these shows. There has been a couple good ones I've noticed. I can fuck them and dump them easy. Even Seaseme St had some hot fucking carpenters. One had a melting Dali clock.... mmmmmmmm

I need dirty men.. who aren't afraid to be fucking manly. Gross tired, exhausted men that just need to let their beasts out. It could just be the sex addict in me talking.

I chose writing

My brain hasn't been able to get shit out since I started talking to him anyways, I need to focus. And you know honestly I think I need to get his chapter out anyways. Maybe I stopped writing because I wasn't sure how I was going to end it. I think I have a much better understanding now. I think it's obvious.

I'm not going to keep doing this to myself. I need to get the bad ones out with equal measures as my fun ones.

Bobby btw.. only guy friend/ex that really just lets me be me. Who I can call and say hold me and he's in. And then say let's listen to some Sinatra I'm in a mood and end up on System of a Down. And end up being my own one man band party all night. He just kept refilling my wine glass. We laugh because we either get along and it's wonderful or once every couple of years we have a knock out drag out fight and it's awful. But then we miss one another and kiss and make up. Oddly enough, we can do all that, but I haven't slept with him in years. I think we have a mutual understanding on how the other's brain operates. Like we're both manic depressive people who are over eccentric and lively. Our friendship works both ways. It's a nice balance. Being fucked up in the head and still loved.


For the most part I think my own IQ is my own worst enemy. It was fine when I was on drugs and self destructive, but now that I keep to myself and don't numb the shit, all it does is work. And I'm big on problem solving..  I think that's what gets me in the most trouble. I just want everything to be fixed. Well working. Clearly the exact opposite happens. Fun... My head hurts from the wine last night.

Still it's a metal day and the headphones are on. I'm full of angst.

Love me or leave me alone

Two bottles of wine will throw some courage in me.. good or stupid. I may have (I did) ran my mouth off a little too much.

You know honestly.. I did fucking care of he liked me or not, but he was a super douche yesterday. I'm a love me or leave me a lone kind of girl. So when he decided to be a dick after I was just trying to be his fucking friend... It was my fuck it mentality that got the upper hand...

I may have just told him about me to a degree where he would understand. Like I'm a nice person, but I will still go the fuck off.  Jesus, it's not like he was perfect. Attractive, not nearly perfect. So after that much wine.. and putting Bobby to bed, I kinda just let rage Melissa out. I snapped. And then I went to bed.

I woke up to a much more pleasant message from him. Explaining there are a lot bigger assholes in this business than him, and he's sleep deprived and that's why he keeps to himself and if I like the job it's not like we actually work together, we're in different departments so I can climb any ladder I want too.

1) I didn't and don't care if other people I work with are assholes. I did care if he was because I was trying to be his friend. So I have way less patience with him and our situation than I do 3rd party bystanders. And obviously I work in another department. Smh...

2) Don't fucking judge me unless you know me. I think what really set me off last night was when I asked if he preferred shallow me... And he said something stupid like I don't know only time will tell.. officially I think that is what pissed me off. Leave it to my brain to get pissed at some retarded shit like that. He didn't know me then. He had empty laughs from a shell of a girl that had a crush on him and was mean and awful and only cared about herself and was terrified to be loved. I feel sorry for him because of that girl. I feel sorry for every person that girl ever knew. She was sexy.. That's it.

It was asking to much to be his friend I get that now. I feel like retarded for even trying. He was an asshole before. I kindly reminded him of that, even told him sorry he was a bigger person than me about the whole thing but just because I'm nicer now doesn't mean I don't have a mouth and won't stand up for myself. Reminding him of his transgressions and filling him in maybe why I was  so hollow with mine. He wasn't fucking perfect. And I've spent three years regretting what I've done.

I thought if this guy's caliber was this high, he completely fits into the small closed circle. I want to cry.

I am crying now. I feel like I wait my whole life to see these glimpses of people I have hope in and then they go out of their way to just fucking ruin it.

Made sure he knew we don't even have to pretend to be friends... we basically don't anyways. Let him know if my presence was an issue I would remove it. It's what the fuck ever to me.

I don't care about the job. I cared about him and now I'm really... retarded is the best word for the scenario. Sorry I tried.

2 bottles of wine... and my previous character to possibly be adorned more... That's my limit.

Home Today

I'm home today minus the fact I went to the grocery store. I am irritated as fuck. 1) I hate being empathetic and picking up on other people's emotions. Negative emotions from others put me in a foul fucking mood today.

I hate gross vibes. This is why I shut myself away from the world. I don't need asshat people sucking  my good energy out. I was in an extremely good mood when I got up. I was excited about yesterday. I got a great workout in. I was happy... I should have never text him. I have the perfect fucking meme for that too. Uggghhh I realize I only pissed myself off doing it. I'm kinda mad at him now. I even told him if he doesn't want me working with him I would stop.

Like why spend last night telling me to learn a bunch of shit and then basically say I'm not going to work... Why bother saying anything to me at all? Who the fuck does that? I go to work, I work hard, I have to in the field anyways just because I'm a woman, but more so than that, I appreciate what the fuck he did for me and I don't want him to look like an ass because of me. I want him to feel good about getting me the job, and the harder I work, the more work I can get, the more work I can get the money I can pay him back. Trying to be beneficial to both of us. And he was a total kinda jerk today.

Sorry I wanted to talk to you.. Sorry I wanted to make you laugh.. Sorry I don't talk to you at work and I'm trying to be your fucking friend. I feel like a tool for trying in the first place.  I hate when my brain can't discern the the meanderings of what is going on. Does he hate me? Does he like me?

Can't figure it out. And you know up until today I thought it was mostly cute actually. The whole staring at work thing. And then he would be typing to me, and it would take forever to spit out one sentence like he couldn't figure out what to say... and then it would be something about work... Like he wanted me to do good at the job, and now today...??? Today it was just him kinda douchey.

He did tell me he doesn't mind working with me after I told him I would stop if he didn't want me there, that everyone seemed to like me and how hard I work. Great.... I don't care about those people... I care what you think.. I care about giving you back your money. It's already weird as shit. I don't know anyone. I have no friends... I'm quiet and reclusive anyways...

And it's not like it's a hey Melissa when he gets there... I got a hey twice... usually it's fucking weird.. once a half a hug.... if anything at all... He's come in and said nothing to me.. especially not even a goodbye, not even once.... I thought friends said hello and goodbye...

We've had sex before. I've seen you naked. Drunk. Assholed up. Jealous. For Christs sake.. you fucked the strippers at my brothers bachelor party. You've literally lost your shit at my mothers house after you invited yourself to a party and got pissed off you treated me like property because I got robbed at gunpoint with your shit. And I didn't want to sleep in the same tent as you because you were sloppy drunk. Not that it was nice for me to try and stay in my best friends tent at the time, and I did have a crush on him, but I didn't ever do anything with him. He ended up being a tool too. But, keeping it really real... He ruined my birthday the first incident.  Promised to take me kayaking and we were going to go disc golfing. He did stunt one a week before my birthday, that I always avoid because bad shit always happens.. and he knew that... and that's what he did a week before. And then text me as if nothing happened.. are we still on?

No.. no we are not. He fucking hurt me too. Like a lot. I was fucking head over heels for the dude, left the guy I was with twice... the same guy twice... for him. Twice. And that hurt too... Not to mention when we did make up again, the second time... I was out with him and took him to the bar where the first dude was at just to rub him in his face. I was fucking smitten with Ed. I was proud of him. Things that made me disappear and hate him until I had the balls to suck this all up.

Do I think about trying to make amends? Yes. of course I do. I spent a lot of time regretting what happened between us. I fantasize about him? My kids adored him?? I brought him around my kids in the first place. Which I don't know if guys understand how big of a deal that is.. it's a big fucking deal... He with equal measure hurt me too. And I want to suck it all up, make him look good for getting me  job and get over this awkward place we're both in...

I've spent the last week in my head trying to plot conversations to invite him to dinner, or cook him dinner, or buy him a drink, just as friends... so we could get over this awkward text/work thing. So we both could be normal and I could say thank you.. and we could have real conversation. Seriously a week trying to figure out how to ask him... Clearly I can't ask him to hangout now. He works a ton and is clearly fucking grumpy.. He told me he doesn't do anything when he does have alone time...
Sorry for ever thinking about that idea.... Shoot me.

I just wanted to get over the weirdness. I just wanted to be able to make him laugh. I really do just want to make him laugh. He's too serious now. I'm serious but I'm not even close to his amount. He needs a fucking bubble bath and a mimosa delivered by puppies. Like a lot of puppies.

I need a fucking xanex. I need to stab myself in the face.

Grrrrr

I hate indecisiveness like with a passion. One day he's nice to me.. the next he's not... just fucking pick one and stick with it.

And this really has fucked my writing mojo, I haven't wrote anything for the book or hitrecord in two weeks. I've been working the last couple of days and blogging just fine but I can't focus. That pisses me off. And I woke up in a great mood. He irked me. I get that he's tired... but uuuuggghhhh I just don' know what to fucking think.

The only interesting

Yesterday was a great day. Worked my ass off and was able to sleep nearly 12 hours. I cant remember the last time that actually happened was. Real REM sleep. Although I did jut dream about work. And Hobo Johnson. I was setting up his show, and he actually knew who I was, and there were these crazy parking garages that washed your car when they put it away for you? I have no understanding of how my own brain operates.

At work yesterday getting it in, one guy was really rude to me in the beginning and then he warmed up and had me kept helping him do things. That was nice, going from asshole to nice. Another guy (very male dominated field) started a conversation with me about how he noticed how hard I was working, in fact he notices all the females go way harder than the men. I noticed that too, men can get away with being slackers, they have jokes, the second a woman would do that in there someone would immediately know. We already have to do twice the work to able to stay in the game. I've worked in male dominated jobs before, I'm used to having to prove it. I like when I get in shape and run circles around them though. I don't really mind it. Most guys are jerks until you prove yourself, that you're not just expecting them to do the work for you that you're willing to jump in and do it yourself. One guy who was also a little but of a dick the last couple days looked at me and said, Well, you seem to be doing really good only doing this for a couple of days... Thanks... This are big words for little men to eat. I like that.

I was in the middle of working my ass off though and glanced up and found Ed staring at me. I'd say it was odd but I wasn't really surprised. I'm big on vibes, his speak massively. I don't really speak to him at work at all. It's an awkward situation in general. I think I weird him out now and he doesn't know how to take me. I went from being this ass fuck of a human to someone who says nice things to him and tries to have actual conversation outside of work. I think he may of preferred old me. I don't know what to think about that either. I just keep trying to reassure him that I'm just nicer and quieter.

I will say this though.. I'm a recovering sex addict, who has worked in male dominated fields. Who had a reputation of being a "man eater". In that, socially speaking, I pick up on body language like it's my job, social cues, and women interestingly enough scientifically are much smarter when it comes to those things anyway. They did an MRI study and showed men and women pictures of body language and 5 parts of the men's brain lit up when showed pictures, and then 18 parts of a woman's brain does. So we notice every flinch of an eye, every novice detail that helps us being aware of the signals men send. On top of that fucking like it was my job running through men I'm highly aware of vibrations and deeper thinking. He wasn't undressing me with his eyes or anything, but he was deep in thought about me. Like deep thought.  Which makes me wonder what he is thinking about me... Is he stuck in a deep oasis of thinking about how awesome I am now...?? Or he perplexed by me... the look on his face says perplexed and trying to figure me out.

That would be a waste of his time. No one can figure me out. All they have to do is ask though. I have a endless space of thought in my brain. It's much better from the horses mouth than it is driving yourself nuts trying to get me.

I'm actually complexly simple. What I refer to ask a paradox wrapped in an enigma. I want good. I want to cuddle and be affectionate, and have horrible sexual urges, but I really just try to be a good person. And I'm a hot mess.

The look on his face though... I still being the ass of a human I am called him out on it after work. I make myself chuckle..?? I told him not to stare at me at work because it's fucking weird yo...

He said he has a staring problem and sometimes he can stare at nothing at all.. OK..... (eyes rolled) I spend my time quietly analyzing people.. All day everyday. I tried to be as pleasant as possible and let him know I'm really not that strange. I'm still me. While he doesn't know me, he does know pieces of me. I would still like the cliff notes on why he's back in my life. Hes a good dude. Told me he's pretty reclusive now. I'm sure he really doesn't know how to approach our situation either. It is a weird one. And I'm super quiet at work. I do take my adderall beforehand though. So it quiets my ADHD anyways. And he's never worked with me before. So while he's running around telling everyone I'm a hard worker, he actually had no idea. I'm happy that I can prove him right though.

He told his roommate we dated. I hope his roommate doesn't have a big mouth. I don't want everyone else knowing my business. Being new girl sucks anyways. I wouldn't want to throw in questions like.. Oh you used to date Eddie?

I am the only person I know that doesn't call him that. He's Ed. While he is hilarious and such, a I said before he used to be a party in a person, he's always been Ed to me. I used to introduce him as that and he would correct me. It never stopped me. I think it's his way of being young at heart. It's cute, but I'm still always calling him Ed. He's not the same person to me as he is to everyone else anyways. Everyone else can have that Ed. I like the one I get. Especially now, hes like a shy school girl who does't know how to approach me. It's half adorable half odd. I can dig it.

I dunno.. for today.. and everyday.. only time can tell...

New day

I am so in awe of the love that surrounds me on a daily basis. Yes I'm a fuck up, constantly a hot mess of a human being, and frankly I need a love so appealing that I forget me in it.

Talking with Ed last night trying to explain why I am a Christian, I think it went over his head. He told me.. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Being a martyr for love, does honestly. It gives me purpose, and I don't care what you call God or what your belief system is, I care that the message you get from it s to love others. That's the important thing. I think he likely thinks I'm dumb for believing in a higher power because to most people it means that I believe I'm right and you're wrong. And for most people that's true.

Not me. Not at all. I assume we're all wrong and all right. We can only see what's directly in front of us but my ego isn't so large by any means that it could discredit the possibilities of everything being possible. The only way for me to believe is in fact that in the first place. I can't put limits on God, or how the universe interacts with others. It's not only not my place, but not in my heart. We are each here cosmically for some purpose and mine isn't to detest other humans. To be "right".

I want everyone to be successful. I want everyone to be loved, and flawed, and accepting, and by some grand design I'm here with that core belief that everything is possible. Everyone can be right. Everyone can be certain to.

Who would we be if the universe at the same time in the same place showed everyone the same things? We would be boring. And inhospitable. There would be nothing magical about everyday life. It would be a check list we were running through to get to the end of our life.

I woke up and what I can only call Gods intervention went to church. I had planned on it but working hard labor the last couple of days my body is sore, and I was tired and running on pretty minimal sleep. I set the alarm anyway. I was convinced going to bed so late I may just miss it. But I was sick last week and didn't teach my classroom either and I missed the week before.

My son walks down the stairs. I don't remember the last time I seen this kid up so early in the morning when he didn't have to be. I was laying on the couch and pretending not to hear him hoping he would be silent and I could fall back asleep. No, he hands my shirt and said here's your Soma shirt mom. And then I hear more movement.. And I'm trying to get him to be quiet and I'm cranky and finally I get up. And I asked my Nana to go to church with me, usually when this happens she'll not go and sleep in. She gets up and gets ready too.

So we get there and we're at the beginning of a series called "Neighbors". We're also short childcare workers and I was offering to help and my team leader Hannah whom I adore is refusing to let me. She said we're short, but not you.... you go to service, you need to be in there, and you help enough all the time. Go to service. .... Okay.

My favorite songs during worship. And the message... something I wholeheartedly believe. Non Christians are better at proving God's love than we are. They are so right that we are so hypocritical and self-riotous and damning everyone else to hell. It's something I hate about the church and the stigma of being a "Christian" and while God desires to have a relationship with us because he loves us, we prove our love and our relationship with him by loving those around us. And not just the people we want to love, exactly the opposite. Because when you're wrecked by his love, living in that kind of light he is going to take you some weird places, and meeting some people and doing things that on your own you wouldn't. And it's so true... and I'm going to go full circle here.

Ed. I had a lot of hate in my heart for him, I knew he was good to me, but I was bitter and resentful too. I did think about him a lot, wondering how much he hated me, or even something as simple as I wonder what he's up to. I mean we were awful to each other. And Ny'lle actually brought him up a couple weeks ago. And I said something mean actually. After that when I was writing and getting our story out... something that had pressed against my heart hurt. God/he Universe telling me I needed to apologize, I needed to do it then. I had to say I'm sorry. I did him wrong. I needed personal accountability regardless of how he feels. And when I said that mean thing to my daughter about him, I wasn't right. So, and only God knows how much pride I have and had to actually swallow to get that apology out, but I found obedience in strange things is well worth it. So I did. And when I say I felt physical pain in my heart, I felt it like it was a wound I buried and hid away and forgot was there, and then it didn't exist because I hadn't acknowledged it came flooding to the surface. Ouch. It just didn't go away. It planted itself deeply in me and was causing all kinds of other disturbances I hadn't been accountable for. And it wasn't just from Ed but a plethora of people and me reenacting that hurt causing more hurt. My pain in life had become a maze of domino's and I had just been lying to myself.

But Ed... even though not sharing the same belief system as me took my apology and gave me something better. Not only a job, but forgiveness. He accepted me and my mortal self  and he didn't boast or brag or freak out, he healed. He put a barrier that stopped anymore domino's from falling. He gave me a piece of myself back. And Ed and I have never agreed religiously. I don't think it's anything I was adamant about even. Because possibilities have always meant more. But to me what he did cemented my core beliefs.

For me 1. Trusting what God wanted me to do even when I didn't want to do it, was not only a invaluable to the love he has for me, but the love he wants me to share with the world regardless of who you are or what you do.

2) Broken people break people. You are very much what you put into the world. And I want to be the coffee. I don't want life to make me hard or soft, but I want to be life changing. And while I'm not null to the fact I live a privileged life here where I live, I do have a love for humanity that crosses oceans.

When I told my daughter Ed was the one who got me the new job, she said, but I thought we didn't like him? And then I felt even more horrible than I did before and had to say it again. I had to admit to my 11 year old (happens ore than you think) that I was dead wrong. I told her after she brought him up I apologized, because I did bad things to him to, but I didn't want that to be who I was so I needed to take responsibility. I was the one in  the wrong. She looks at me with new eyes and an understanding that all humans are flawed. She also asked how he was and said I should date him. I told her I didn't think that would happen again but for now we're friends

I tried to tell Ed about me some last night. He did know a shell of a human before. And it's sad to me, but he did like her too. But I want him to know the things I like about me and the person I am now because at any moment, these are the things I would want my legacy to be. I hope everyone can get some laughs out of my struggles, maybe some lessons too. I hope they don't feel alone in their battles simply because I've had to face so many they can know mine and not feel alone.

But what I on Earth for. What I want to be my grand masterpiece, the love I have in me still after all of those battles. The hope I had that survive me. I didn't stop, I didn't wither all the way, and even when I did wither most of it, and hid in the dark to hide, I just waited on the Son.

I cried like a baby during church. I got my cup filled. I needed that spiritually. God pushed and pushed and he gave me what he knew I needed today. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that no matter how much of a wreck I am, the universe/God/Christ/Buddha/Trees whatever is out there looking out for me, never gets tired of teaching me and affirming in me all the conversations we have when we're alone together. It's fucking magical.