I am so in awe of the love that surrounds me on a daily basis. Yes I'm a fuck up, constantly a hot mess of a human being, and frankly I need a love so appealing that I forget me in it.
Talking with Ed last night trying to explain why I am a Christian, I think it went over his head. He told me.. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Being a martyr for love, does honestly. It gives me purpose, and I don't care what you call God or what your belief system is, I care that the message you get from it s to love others. That's the important thing. I think he likely thinks I'm dumb for believing in a higher power because to most people it means that I believe I'm right and you're wrong. And for most people that's true.
Not me. Not at all. I assume we're all wrong and all right. We can only see what's directly in front of us but my ego isn't so large by any means that it could discredit the possibilities of everything being possible. The only way for me to believe is in fact that in the first place. I can't put limits on God, or how the universe interacts with others. It's not only not my place, but not in my heart. We are each here cosmically for some purpose and mine isn't to detest other humans. To be "right".
I want everyone to be successful. I want everyone to be loved, and flawed, and accepting, and by some grand design I'm here with that core belief that everything is possible. Everyone can be right. Everyone can be certain to.
Who would we be if the universe at the same time in the same place showed everyone the same things? We would be boring. And inhospitable. There would be nothing magical about everyday life. It would be a check list we were running through to get to the end of our life.
I woke up and what I can only call Gods intervention went to church. I had planned on it but working hard labor the last couple of days my body is sore, and I was tired and running on pretty minimal sleep. I set the alarm anyway. I was convinced going to bed so late I may just miss it. But I was sick last week and didn't teach my classroom either and I missed the week before.
My son walks down the stairs. I don't remember the last time I seen this kid up so early in the morning when he didn't have to be. I was laying on the couch and pretending not to hear him hoping he would be silent and I could fall back asleep. No, he hands my shirt and said here's your Soma shirt mom. And then I hear more movement.. And I'm trying to get him to be quiet and I'm cranky and finally I get up. And I asked my Nana to go to church with me, usually when this happens she'll not go and sleep in. She gets up and gets ready too.
So we get there and we're at the beginning of a series called "Neighbors". We're also short childcare workers and I was offering to help and my team leader Hannah whom I adore is refusing to let me. She said we're short, but not you.... you go to service, you need to be in there, and you help enough all the time. Go to service. .... Okay.
My favorite songs during worship. And the message... something I wholeheartedly believe. Non Christians are better at proving God's love than we are. They are so right that we are so hypocritical and self-riotous and damning everyone else to hell. It's something I hate about the church and the stigma of being a "Christian" and while God desires to have a relationship with us because he loves us, we prove our love and our relationship with him by loving those around us. And not just the people we want to love, exactly the opposite. Because when you're wrecked by his love, living in that kind of light he is going to take you some weird places, and meeting some people and doing things that on your own you wouldn't. And it's so true... and I'm going to go full circle here.
Ed. I had a lot of hate in my heart for him, I knew he was good to me, but I was bitter and resentful too. I did think about him a lot, wondering how much he hated me, or even something as simple as I wonder what he's up to. I mean we were awful to each other. And Ny'lle actually brought him up a couple weeks ago. And I said something mean actually. After that when I was writing and getting our story out... something that had pressed against my heart hurt. God/he Universe telling me I needed to apologize, I needed to do it then. I had to say I'm sorry. I did him wrong. I needed personal accountability regardless of how he feels. And when I said that mean thing to my daughter about him, I wasn't right. So, and only God knows how much pride I have and had to actually swallow to get that apology out, but I found obedience in strange things is well worth it. So I did. And when I say I felt physical pain in my heart, I felt it like it was a wound I buried and hid away and forgot was there, and then it didn't exist because I hadn't acknowledged it came flooding to the surface. Ouch. It just didn't go away. It planted itself deeply in me and was causing all kinds of other disturbances I hadn't been accountable for. And it wasn't just from Ed but a plethora of people and me reenacting that hurt causing more hurt. My pain in life had become a maze of domino's and I had just been lying to myself.
But Ed... even though not sharing the same belief system as me took my apology and gave me something better. Not only a job, but forgiveness. He accepted me and my mortal self and he didn't boast or brag or freak out, he healed. He put a barrier that stopped anymore domino's from falling. He gave me a piece of myself back. And Ed and I have never agreed religiously. I don't think it's anything I was adamant about even. Because possibilities have always meant more. But to me what he did cemented my core beliefs.
For me 1. Trusting what God wanted me to do even when I didn't want to do it, was not only a invaluable to the love he has for me, but the love he wants me to share with the world regardless of who you are or what you do.
2) Broken people break people. You are very much what you put into the world. And I want to be the coffee. I don't want life to make me hard or soft, but I want to be life changing. And while I'm not null to the fact I live a privileged life here where I live, I do have a love for humanity that crosses oceans.
When I told my daughter Ed was the one who got me the new job, she said, but I thought we didn't like him? And then I felt even more horrible than I did before and had to say it again. I had to admit to my 11 year old (happens ore than you think) that I was dead wrong. I told her after she brought him up I apologized, because I did bad things to him to, but I didn't want that to be who I was so I needed to take responsibility. I was the one in the wrong. She looks at me with new eyes and an understanding that all humans are flawed. She also asked how he was and said I should date him. I told her I didn't think that would happen again but for now we're friends
I tried to tell Ed about me some last night. He did know a shell of a human before. And it's sad to me, but he did like her too. But I want him to know the things I like about me and the person I am now because at any moment, these are the things I would want my legacy to be. I hope everyone can get some laughs out of my struggles, maybe some lessons too. I hope they don't feel alone in their battles simply because I've had to face so many they can know mine and not feel alone.
But what I on Earth for. What I want to be my grand masterpiece, the love I have in me still after all of those battles. The hope I had that survive me. I didn't stop, I didn't wither all the way, and even when I did wither most of it, and hid in the dark to hide, I just waited on the Son.
I cried like a baby during church. I got my cup filled. I needed that spiritually. God pushed and pushed and he gave me what he knew I needed today. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that no matter how much of a wreck I am, the universe/God/Christ/Buddha/Trees whatever is out there looking out for me, never gets tired of teaching me and affirming in me all the conversations we have when we're alone together. It's fucking magical.
Talking with Ed last night trying to explain why I am a Christian, I think it went over his head. He told me.. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Being a martyr for love, does honestly. It gives me purpose, and I don't care what you call God or what your belief system is, I care that the message you get from it s to love others. That's the important thing. I think he likely thinks I'm dumb for believing in a higher power because to most people it means that I believe I'm right and you're wrong. And for most people that's true.
Not me. Not at all. I assume we're all wrong and all right. We can only see what's directly in front of us but my ego isn't so large by any means that it could discredit the possibilities of everything being possible. The only way for me to believe is in fact that in the first place. I can't put limits on God, or how the universe interacts with others. It's not only not my place, but not in my heart. We are each here cosmically for some purpose and mine isn't to detest other humans. To be "right".
I want everyone to be successful. I want everyone to be loved, and flawed, and accepting, and by some grand design I'm here with that core belief that everything is possible. Everyone can be right. Everyone can be certain to.
Who would we be if the universe at the same time in the same place showed everyone the same things? We would be boring. And inhospitable. There would be nothing magical about everyday life. It would be a check list we were running through to get to the end of our life.
I woke up and what I can only call Gods intervention went to church. I had planned on it but working hard labor the last couple of days my body is sore, and I was tired and running on pretty minimal sleep. I set the alarm anyway. I was convinced going to bed so late I may just miss it. But I was sick last week and didn't teach my classroom either and I missed the week before.
My son walks down the stairs. I don't remember the last time I seen this kid up so early in the morning when he didn't have to be. I was laying on the couch and pretending not to hear him hoping he would be silent and I could fall back asleep. No, he hands my shirt and said here's your Soma shirt mom. And then I hear more movement.. And I'm trying to get him to be quiet and I'm cranky and finally I get up. And I asked my Nana to go to church with me, usually when this happens she'll not go and sleep in. She gets up and gets ready too.
So we get there and we're at the beginning of a series called "Neighbors". We're also short childcare workers and I was offering to help and my team leader Hannah whom I adore is refusing to let me. She said we're short, but not you.... you go to service, you need to be in there, and you help enough all the time. Go to service. .... Okay.
My favorite songs during worship. And the message... something I wholeheartedly believe. Non Christians are better at proving God's love than we are. They are so right that we are so hypocritical and self-riotous and damning everyone else to hell. It's something I hate about the church and the stigma of being a "Christian" and while God desires to have a relationship with us because he loves us, we prove our love and our relationship with him by loving those around us. And not just the people we want to love, exactly the opposite. Because when you're wrecked by his love, living in that kind of light he is going to take you some weird places, and meeting some people and doing things that on your own you wouldn't. And it's so true... and I'm going to go full circle here.
Ed. I had a lot of hate in my heart for him, I knew he was good to me, but I was bitter and resentful too. I did think about him a lot, wondering how much he hated me, or even something as simple as I wonder what he's up to. I mean we were awful to each other. And Ny'lle actually brought him up a couple weeks ago. And I said something mean actually. After that when I was writing and getting our story out... something that had pressed against my heart hurt. God/he Universe telling me I needed to apologize, I needed to do it then. I had to say I'm sorry. I did him wrong. I needed personal accountability regardless of how he feels. And when I said that mean thing to my daughter about him, I wasn't right. So, and only God knows how much pride I have and had to actually swallow to get that apology out, but I found obedience in strange things is well worth it. So I did. And when I say I felt physical pain in my heart, I felt it like it was a wound I buried and hid away and forgot was there, and then it didn't exist because I hadn't acknowledged it came flooding to the surface. Ouch. It just didn't go away. It planted itself deeply in me and was causing all kinds of other disturbances I hadn't been accountable for. And it wasn't just from Ed but a plethora of people and me reenacting that hurt causing more hurt. My pain in life had become a maze of domino's and I had just been lying to myself.
But Ed... even though not sharing the same belief system as me took my apology and gave me something better. Not only a job, but forgiveness. He accepted me and my mortal self and he didn't boast or brag or freak out, he healed. He put a barrier that stopped anymore domino's from falling. He gave me a piece of myself back. And Ed and I have never agreed religiously. I don't think it's anything I was adamant about even. Because possibilities have always meant more. But to me what he did cemented my core beliefs.
For me 1. Trusting what God wanted me to do even when I didn't want to do it, was not only a invaluable to the love he has for me, but the love he wants me to share with the world regardless of who you are or what you do.
2) Broken people break people. You are very much what you put into the world. And I want to be the coffee. I don't want life to make me hard or soft, but I want to be life changing. And while I'm not null to the fact I live a privileged life here where I live, I do have a love for humanity that crosses oceans.
When I told my daughter Ed was the one who got me the new job, she said, but I thought we didn't like him? And then I felt even more horrible than I did before and had to say it again. I had to admit to my 11 year old (happens ore than you think) that I was dead wrong. I told her after she brought him up I apologized, because I did bad things to him to, but I didn't want that to be who I was so I needed to take responsibility. I was the one in the wrong. She looks at me with new eyes and an understanding that all humans are flawed. She also asked how he was and said I should date him. I told her I didn't think that would happen again but for now we're friends
I tried to tell Ed about me some last night. He did know a shell of a human before. And it's sad to me, but he did like her too. But I want him to know the things I like about me and the person I am now because at any moment, these are the things I would want my legacy to be. I hope everyone can get some laughs out of my struggles, maybe some lessons too. I hope they don't feel alone in their battles simply because I've had to face so many they can know mine and not feel alone.
But what I on Earth for. What I want to be my grand masterpiece, the love I have in me still after all of those battles. The hope I had that survive me. I didn't stop, I didn't wither all the way, and even when I did wither most of it, and hid in the dark to hide, I just waited on the Son.
I cried like a baby during church. I got my cup filled. I needed that spiritually. God pushed and pushed and he gave me what he knew I needed today. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that no matter how much of a wreck I am, the universe/God/Christ/Buddha/Trees whatever is out there looking out for me, never gets tired of teaching me and affirming in me all the conversations we have when we're alone together. It's fucking magical.
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