Getting there today. Started a new chapter because my heart isn't in the right place to be emotionally honest enough for the other one. Surprisingly actually. I usually have personal accountability down.
I will say in saying that though it's not easy to say certain things. The hard things that no one actually wants to say. The good, the bad, or the ugly. We all live in a constant state of denial for the most part. Being honest about them means we have to face ourselves. And I relish in life lessons. I often spend my time talking to the universe about the mishandling of my own life. Wisdom is a great teacher.
I used to pray for other gifts too. I prayed for patience for a long time until I realized that God doesn't sprinkle fairy dust. I wish it did. Really I do. But instead it gives you more opportunities to exhibit patience instead. So, knowing me, and that I would likely never step up to that plate, the best thing for everyone who was involved in any of those situations was actually to stop praying for things I wouldn't use.
Wisdom though, I use. I like being wise. It gives me a choice to use my own life experiences to do the world some justice by learning. I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with it, I'm happy to divulge in it. So as I am writing, I've moved passed the place where maybe I can be honest and say I'm not ready to go there, those two stories both may have to be the final chapters I write. Especially Ed's. I'm not sure that chapter has an ending. Even more so now than before. I don't know if we will live in a constant state of awkward forever, and how do I write something without a finish?
You can't. I need more details. I need more awareness before I strut into those pages blindly.
It's a lion and lamb story. And as Florence and the Machine plays in my headphones I'm making my peace with it as much as I can. Being resonate with it. I'll do what I can when I can. I just wish I knew his head space. That would make it a hell of a lot easier. I almost wish he would just tell me fuck me. That I can deal with perfectly fine. I'm a person in life that knows rejection like the back of my hand. I've destroyed enough people that I can handle hate. I know disorder. I know how to pretend everything is fine and smile in someone's face. Its the unknowing that kills me. That eats me alive at night now. Space, not just a place to shove stars but a place to keep all the misgivings of my putrid lovers gone astray.
The hollow place that's never full enough after I spent so much time full of myself.
I'll have to get used to discomfort again. The vast emptiness of my wrong doings. It's a sea of that I drown in often. It's a reason I hide now.
On a lighter note, I have submitted to hitrecord today. Which is an open outlet for the finesses of my brain. So moving forward...
I hope I can dye my hair soon. lol.
I will say in saying that though it's not easy to say certain things. The hard things that no one actually wants to say. The good, the bad, or the ugly. We all live in a constant state of denial for the most part. Being honest about them means we have to face ourselves. And I relish in life lessons. I often spend my time talking to the universe about the mishandling of my own life. Wisdom is a great teacher.
I used to pray for other gifts too. I prayed for patience for a long time until I realized that God doesn't sprinkle fairy dust. I wish it did. Really I do. But instead it gives you more opportunities to exhibit patience instead. So, knowing me, and that I would likely never step up to that plate, the best thing for everyone who was involved in any of those situations was actually to stop praying for things I wouldn't use.
Wisdom though, I use. I like being wise. It gives me a choice to use my own life experiences to do the world some justice by learning. I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with it, I'm happy to divulge in it. So as I am writing, I've moved passed the place where maybe I can be honest and say I'm not ready to go there, those two stories both may have to be the final chapters I write. Especially Ed's. I'm not sure that chapter has an ending. Even more so now than before. I don't know if we will live in a constant state of awkward forever, and how do I write something without a finish?
You can't. I need more details. I need more awareness before I strut into those pages blindly.
It's a lion and lamb story. And as Florence and the Machine plays in my headphones I'm making my peace with it as much as I can. Being resonate with it. I'll do what I can when I can. I just wish I knew his head space. That would make it a hell of a lot easier. I almost wish he would just tell me fuck me. That I can deal with perfectly fine. I'm a person in life that knows rejection like the back of my hand. I've destroyed enough people that I can handle hate. I know disorder. I know how to pretend everything is fine and smile in someone's face. Its the unknowing that kills me. That eats me alive at night now. Space, not just a place to shove stars but a place to keep all the misgivings of my putrid lovers gone astray.
The hollow place that's never full enough after I spent so much time full of myself.
I'll have to get used to discomfort again. The vast emptiness of my wrong doings. It's a sea of that I drown in often. It's a reason I hide now.
On a lighter note, I have submitted to hitrecord today. Which is an open outlet for the finesses of my brain. So moving forward...
I hope I can dye my hair soon. lol.
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