I'm home today minus the fact I went to the grocery store. I am irritated as fuck. 1) I hate being empathetic and picking up on other people's emotions. Negative emotions from others put me in a foul fucking mood today.
I hate gross vibes. This is why I shut myself away from the world. I don't need asshat people sucking my good energy out. I was in an extremely good mood when I got up. I was excited about yesterday. I got a great workout in. I was happy... I should have never text him. I have the perfect fucking meme for that too. Uggghhh I realize I only pissed myself off doing it. I'm kinda mad at him now. I even told him if he doesn't want me working with him I would stop.
Like why spend last night telling me to learn a bunch of shit and then basically say I'm not going to work... Why bother saying anything to me at all? Who the fuck does that? I go to work, I work hard, I have to in the field anyways just because I'm a woman, but more so than that, I appreciate what the fuck he did for me and I don't want him to look like an ass because of me. I want him to feel good about getting me the job, and the harder I work, the more work I can get, the more work I can get the money I can pay him back. Trying to be beneficial to both of us. And he was a total kinda jerk today.
Sorry I wanted to talk to you.. Sorry I wanted to make you laugh.. Sorry I don't talk to you at work and I'm trying to be your fucking friend. I feel like a tool for trying in the first place. I hate when my brain can't discern the the meanderings of what is going on. Does he hate me? Does he like me?
Can't figure it out. And you know up until today I thought it was mostly cute actually. The whole staring at work thing. And then he would be typing to me, and it would take forever to spit out one sentence like he couldn't figure out what to say... and then it would be something about work... Like he wanted me to do good at the job, and now today...??? Today it was just him kinda douchey.
He did tell me he doesn't mind working with me after I told him I would stop if he didn't want me there, that everyone seemed to like me and how hard I work. Great.... I don't care about those people... I care what you think.. I care about giving you back your money. It's already weird as shit. I don't know anyone. I have no friends... I'm quiet and reclusive anyways...
And it's not like it's a hey Melissa when he gets there... I got a hey twice... usually it's fucking weird.. once a half a hug.... if anything at all... He's come in and said nothing to me.. especially not even a goodbye, not even once.... I thought friends said hello and goodbye...
We've had sex before. I've seen you naked. Drunk. Assholed up. Jealous. For Christs sake.. you fucked the strippers at my brothers bachelor party. You've literally lost your shit at my mothers house after you invited yourself to a party and got pissed off you treated me like property because I got robbed at gunpoint with your shit. And I didn't want to sleep in the same tent as you because you were sloppy drunk. Not that it was nice for me to try and stay in my best friends tent at the time, and I did have a crush on him, but I didn't ever do anything with him. He ended up being a tool too. But, keeping it really real... He ruined my birthday the first incident. Promised to take me kayaking and we were going to go disc golfing. He did stunt one a week before my birthday, that I always avoid because bad shit always happens.. and he knew that... and that's what he did a week before. And then text me as if nothing happened.. are we still on?
No.. no we are not. He fucking hurt me too. Like a lot. I was fucking head over heels for the dude, left the guy I was with twice... the same guy twice... for him. Twice. And that hurt too... Not to mention when we did make up again, the second time... I was out with him and took him to the bar where the first dude was at just to rub him in his face. I was fucking smitten with Ed. I was proud of him. Things that made me disappear and hate him until I had the balls to suck this all up.
Do I think about trying to make amends? Yes. of course I do. I spent a lot of time regretting what happened between us. I fantasize about him? My kids adored him?? I brought him around my kids in the first place. Which I don't know if guys understand how big of a deal that is.. it's a big fucking deal... He with equal measure hurt me too. And I want to suck it all up, make him look good for getting me job and get over this awkward place we're both in...
I've spent the last week in my head trying to plot conversations to invite him to dinner, or cook him dinner, or buy him a drink, just as friends... so we could get over this awkward text/work thing. So we both could be normal and I could say thank you.. and we could have real conversation. Seriously a week trying to figure out how to ask him... Clearly I can't ask him to hangout now. He works a ton and is clearly fucking grumpy.. He told me he doesn't do anything when he does have alone time...
Sorry for ever thinking about that idea.... Shoot me.
I just wanted to get over the weirdness. I just wanted to be able to make him laugh. I really do just want to make him laugh. He's too serious now. I'm serious but I'm not even close to his amount. He needs a fucking bubble bath and a mimosa delivered by puppies. Like a lot of puppies.
I need a fucking xanex. I need to stab myself in the face.
I hate gross vibes. This is why I shut myself away from the world. I don't need asshat people sucking my good energy out. I was in an extremely good mood when I got up. I was excited about yesterday. I got a great workout in. I was happy... I should have never text him. I have the perfect fucking meme for that too. Uggghhh I realize I only pissed myself off doing it. I'm kinda mad at him now. I even told him if he doesn't want me working with him I would stop.
Like why spend last night telling me to learn a bunch of shit and then basically say I'm not going to work... Why bother saying anything to me at all? Who the fuck does that? I go to work, I work hard, I have to in the field anyways just because I'm a woman, but more so than that, I appreciate what the fuck he did for me and I don't want him to look like an ass because of me. I want him to feel good about getting me the job, and the harder I work, the more work I can get, the more work I can get the money I can pay him back. Trying to be beneficial to both of us. And he was a total kinda jerk today.
Sorry I wanted to talk to you.. Sorry I wanted to make you laugh.. Sorry I don't talk to you at work and I'm trying to be your fucking friend. I feel like a tool for trying in the first place. I hate when my brain can't discern the the meanderings of what is going on. Does he hate me? Does he like me?
Can't figure it out. And you know up until today I thought it was mostly cute actually. The whole staring at work thing. And then he would be typing to me, and it would take forever to spit out one sentence like he couldn't figure out what to say... and then it would be something about work... Like he wanted me to do good at the job, and now today...??? Today it was just him kinda douchey.
He did tell me he doesn't mind working with me after I told him I would stop if he didn't want me there, that everyone seemed to like me and how hard I work. Great.... I don't care about those people... I care what you think.. I care about giving you back your money. It's already weird as shit. I don't know anyone. I have no friends... I'm quiet and reclusive anyways...
And it's not like it's a hey Melissa when he gets there... I got a hey twice... usually it's fucking weird.. once a half a hug.... if anything at all... He's come in and said nothing to me.. especially not even a goodbye, not even once.... I thought friends said hello and goodbye...
We've had sex before. I've seen you naked. Drunk. Assholed up. Jealous. For Christs sake.. you fucked the strippers at my brothers bachelor party. You've literally lost your shit at my mothers house after you invited yourself to a party and got pissed off you treated me like property because I got robbed at gunpoint with your shit. And I didn't want to sleep in the same tent as you because you were sloppy drunk. Not that it was nice for me to try and stay in my best friends tent at the time, and I did have a crush on him, but I didn't ever do anything with him. He ended up being a tool too. But, keeping it really real... He ruined my birthday the first incident. Promised to take me kayaking and we were going to go disc golfing. He did stunt one a week before my birthday, that I always avoid because bad shit always happens.. and he knew that... and that's what he did a week before. And then text me as if nothing happened.. are we still on?
No.. no we are not. He fucking hurt me too. Like a lot. I was fucking head over heels for the dude, left the guy I was with twice... the same guy twice... for him. Twice. And that hurt too... Not to mention when we did make up again, the second time... I was out with him and took him to the bar where the first dude was at just to rub him in his face. I was fucking smitten with Ed. I was proud of him. Things that made me disappear and hate him until I had the balls to suck this all up.
Do I think about trying to make amends? Yes. of course I do. I spent a lot of time regretting what happened between us. I fantasize about him? My kids adored him?? I brought him around my kids in the first place. Which I don't know if guys understand how big of a deal that is.. it's a big fucking deal... He with equal measure hurt me too. And I want to suck it all up, make him look good for getting me job and get over this awkward place we're both in...
I've spent the last week in my head trying to plot conversations to invite him to dinner, or cook him dinner, or buy him a drink, just as friends... so we could get over this awkward text/work thing. So we both could be normal and I could say thank you.. and we could have real conversation. Seriously a week trying to figure out how to ask him... Clearly I can't ask him to hangout now. He works a ton and is clearly fucking grumpy.. He told me he doesn't do anything when he does have alone time...
Sorry for ever thinking about that idea.... Shoot me.
I just wanted to get over the weirdness. I just wanted to be able to make him laugh. I really do just want to make him laugh. He's too serious now. I'm serious but I'm not even close to his amount. He needs a fucking bubble bath and a mimosa delivered by puppies. Like a lot of puppies.
I need a fucking xanex. I need to stab myself in the face.
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