Benga. Lord help me.
So honestly, I don't really creep on him. Haven't in a long time. It's taken me nearly 6 months to begin to feel human again. To start to heal. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I wanted to die. I was in love with him He never wanted me. He'd fuck with my head and be with me physically and then mentally say he wanted nothing. The last time I tried to date when we were still "best friends" That's when he was totally cool with me cheating. Calling me over.
He did a lot of shit for me. He was an amazing provider and hard worker. But we had a house filled with shit and no love. It was awful. So honestly, creeping on him isn't the brightest thing I could ever do. I avoid speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. Only the major things. He doesn't visit our dog. He doesn't check in on me. We have gone our separate ways. Not an easy thing to navigate after spending three years of your life with someone. But it did get fucking ugly.
He swore I was evil incarnate and I still just think he has no understanding of how he fucked with my head. Which keeping it real, fucked my head way up. No one has pissed me off the way he could in like a decade. He brought the worst out in me. We were awful to each other and for each other.
Doesn't make me love him any less. I always will. He's a piece of my life I will hate to cherish. Hes got the biggest heart and not the brain or common sense to navigate the world with it. And I miss him. Not so much that I would ever go back to that life, but in general, he was my very best friend for a long time. He knows the fragments of me that I don't. The ugly pieces he was always amazing at pointing out like he never had flaws.
So my son stole an old cell phone of mine, that I am now using for music. And his fb update pops up. Now I personally am not friends with him, it would rehash too many hurts, again it's best we avoid one another. But my dumbass looked.
I don't even know why. He looks good. He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life. He will never accept that, always blaming me for everything that happened. I take full responsibility for my wrong doings. I had plenty enough of my own that I'm not taking credit for his too.
Not a chapter I'm looking forward too at all. I'm near dreading that day.
So honestly, I don't really creep on him. Haven't in a long time. It's taken me nearly 6 months to begin to feel human again. To start to heal. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I wanted to die. I was in love with him He never wanted me. He'd fuck with my head and be with me physically and then mentally say he wanted nothing. The last time I tried to date when we were still "best friends" That's when he was totally cool with me cheating. Calling me over.
He did a lot of shit for me. He was an amazing provider and hard worker. But we had a house filled with shit and no love. It was awful. So honestly, creeping on him isn't the brightest thing I could ever do. I avoid speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. Only the major things. He doesn't visit our dog. He doesn't check in on me. We have gone our separate ways. Not an easy thing to navigate after spending three years of your life with someone. But it did get fucking ugly.
He swore I was evil incarnate and I still just think he has no understanding of how he fucked with my head. Which keeping it real, fucked my head way up. No one has pissed me off the way he could in like a decade. He brought the worst out in me. We were awful to each other and for each other.
Doesn't make me love him any less. I always will. He's a piece of my life I will hate to cherish. Hes got the biggest heart and not the brain or common sense to navigate the world with it. And I miss him. Not so much that I would ever go back to that life, but in general, he was my very best friend for a long time. He knows the fragments of me that I don't. The ugly pieces he was always amazing at pointing out like he never had flaws.
So my son stole an old cell phone of mine, that I am now using for music. And his fb update pops up. Now I personally am not friends with him, it would rehash too many hurts, again it's best we avoid one another. But my dumbass looked.
I don't even know why. He looks good. He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life. He will never accept that, always blaming me for everything that happened. I take full responsibility for my wrong doings. I had plenty enough of my own that I'm not taking credit for his too.
Not a chapter I'm looking forward too at all. I'm near dreading that day.
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