Dear Benga

Dear Benga,

While you think I am a monster, I think of the way you smiled and did a little shimmy when you got food. How when you smiled your cheeks looked like chipmunks. While you remember me yelling and screaming, I remember fighting for you.

Fighting for your lips to be pressed back against mine. Because God had made your mouth so perfectly and gently for my own. While I screamed I wanted you to get out of my house, what I really was yelling the whole time was I never wanted you to go away. When you say I threw things in your face that I had done for you and it made you sick, I was only yelling about how much I loved you, so with what little I had I have you. It was never meant to be boastful, and if it was only to boast on love.

And it's too late. Everything always is. Everything is always some grand lesson no one actually wants to learn. You danced when you cooked and did the dishes. You played hand clap games with my daughter and video games with my son. Even before living with us I remember you spending Zeths birthday with us at the water park. So turned on in the lazy river I had to be close to you so it wouldn't show. I remember before we lived together, the night of margaritas, that I wish we could still be drinking now. And sneaking away to kiss me so uninhibited. And the night of the nightclub. When after we were caught when we made sure you got home you invited me in. But I didn't come.

I remember while I was at work sad, heartbroken so many times, you following me around like a lost puppy. Talking with me in the barn, because you were the only one I trusted enough to open up to. And I remember all the times they went looking for you,  they said check with Melissa. Because you were by my side.

I remember right after Ashley broke your heart, taking you to the alpaca farm. Watching you feed and water them. Your soul glowing with a smile.

I remember you being a horrible messy slob. So focused on your video games nothing else in the world exsisted.  And during those times you would beg me to go get food so you didn't have to get up. And the look on your face when I did.

I remember the couple times you did Molly, driving me up a wall with euphoria. Spouting from the heavens how in love with me you were. Telling me your deepest darkest secrets. And not shutting up for 9 hours straight when I just wanted to go to sleep.

I remember believing I let you live with me so I could help you through your heartbreak. I didn't think she was an awful person, I just thought that you were really for me. I remember holding you while you cried. Not only over her those times, but every time you cried and told me how you knew I was the closest thing you knew to love and you knew you were messing it up.

I watched you beg for my forgiveness. Sobbing. Knowing you were doing me so wrong. Knowing my heart was yours.

I remember taking care of you when you were sick. Or after you broke your tooth, and fell asleep on the fourth of July at my nanas house, running out to the store to grab you anything that would help. And then remembering you inviting another girl to watch the fireworks with when you felt better.

I remember you taking these girls on dates who were good enough for you places you had taken me. To the rock where we had our first kiss. I remember you kept saying you weren't ready. To be with anyone.

Saying it while you provided for our family. Because you were our family. Saying I hadn't loved you for as long as I claimed because you were with someone else. You were wrong. I did love you all that time.

It's why I picked you up off the side of the road when you were kicked out of your house. It's why I fought with Ashley because I knew you deserved better. It's why every time I went to the grocery store, I bought the things you wanted too. It's why I did your laundry. And cleaned your room.

Even after we moved apart, I came over and cleaned your new apartment. And took your cat to the vet. And still went to the grocery store, and brought you medicine while you were sick. It's why I didn't care if you never cut your hair, or looked a hot mess. It's why I stole your t-shirts and hoodies. And even while you hated me I still bought you shoes and cleaning supplies and a garbage can.

I know every horrible thing I did. I wear them as battle scars now. Wounded for a love I wish with all my soul I didn't.

But you think I'm awful, and I'm a monster,  you told me over and over and over again. Words burnt into my fleshing still hot from the iron. They will stay there forever.

For 6 years I loved you. 6.