God wrecked me this morning. Like completely. I was on my way into church, and I was thinking about my story. Specifically when God really started to change my life. When I was staring down the barrel of a 22 thinking I was about to die. How that could have been the end of my story right there. That could of been the end of me. Head blown off in front of my family right down the ally.
But that wasn't the end. That was my beginning. That was where all the pieces of my brokenness started to come together to form a good human being. I was a mess before that. Only ever caring about myself, having fun, and getting whatever I wanted.
I knew God my whole life. I grew up in the church. I saw first hand how to live as a sinner and still smile in church on Sundays. But I also learned that he would leave the 99. And I had a bad habit of going astray. No matter how in love with God I was, I never accepted he loved me back.
And in the moment I didn't get shot, that was my defining moment. Today is different and yet so much not. I struggle everyday. With any kind of sobriety. If it numbs you to the outside world, odds are I liked it a little too much. A little more than a little too much. Booze. Drugs. Men.
And I went into church and we were discussing the woman at the well. And how Jesus was like hey, that's right, I know all your business. And how she ran door to door telling people how he knew everything about her. And how it lead to a two day revival. How her story wasn't a pretty one but God used it. And how God needs us to stop pretending we have out shit together so someone else doesn't think Christianity is this perfect world where they don't fit in. But instead we need to tell the world exactly how broken we are. Because he uses the weak to be strong. And how our personal life stories can make what we love about God seem plausible. How we need to just admit we are hot messes and ready to love on some other hot messes. And that's the only way we make it.
And I was crying. I cried because on the way to church I was already focused on how God really did give me a do over. How he loved me enough to give me life in that moment of stupidity. And then reinforced it when I sat down in that seat and knew that it was okay I wasn't put together yet. It was those moments the world needed to know to understand that church needs to stop pretending we are a college you have to get accepted into. We are a hospital you go to be healed.
I have an amazing pastor. He doesn't get up in front of us every Sunday and pretend like he's got his shit together either. He's honest. He talks about how he struggles to read the bible. How he fights with his wife. And they need counseling, and he has a life coach. He's honest. And I think belonging to a church so set in stone their principles are truly dedicated to really being the church, that it is such a gift. Not a building, not a philosophy, but real, raw, human beings.
And they hold you accountable. I've gone to a lot of churches I've loved before. But as me, going astray I would stop going, and not hear anything from them. I always knew that they weren't my home. Because when you stop going home... you best believe someone is coming to look for you. And I tried it here at Soma. And I got a text... Hey where have you been? What's going on? Can I just come visit you? And I knew when that happened Soma City was my home. They noticed I was gone. They came to find me. And it is such a blessing to know that you will be accounted for. You're not just another face, you mean something to them. And I don't have to be perfect, in fact, they prefer instead of that, that we are just human. And telling the truth about how hard that experience alone can be, can change other peoples lives.
So God wrecked me today. Even though I feel alone a lot. Even though I'm 33 and my life isn't close to being together. Even though I struggle with sobriety. Even though I feel like I'm going mad all the time, and I'm exhausted, and confused, and don't have answers to my prayers, and I question God everyday and I'm far from being good at being obedient. That all qualifies God to love me. I don't need to be fixed, I need to just be, and even more than that, understand that these seemingly horrific days are what makes my relationship with God all the more important. He doesn't need to fix me, he needs me to tell the world I can be loved and still not be fixed.
That's the way. That's the truth.
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