One of my friends who moved away a while ago just found out I had cancer today. To which he did not care for my lighthearted spirit about the whole thing. Yelled at me about filling out my damn insurance paperwork he couldn't loose another friend.
We were "intimate" one time only. After years of friendship he was moving away, and we decided to have the funniest sex of both of our lives. We both had a sexual tension for years, so we were going through the McDonald's drive thru when we decided we would have a farewell fuck. Which was him doing me doggy style while eating mcdoubles he placed on my back while we hysterically laughed the whole time. So what is still a half a decade later both of our funniest stories we can still chuckle. But he wasn't happy to know I've been suffering with this cancer and not doing anything about it.
We lost a friend awhile ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Nate made it adamantly clear who couldn't do that again. He didn't appreciate I was so coy with death.
Although I did make him promise at my funeral he would tell the cheeseburger story. And to keep our texts as it was my request. He promised he would. But he made me promise I would get on taking care of myself.
I've always had a Wednesday Adam's mind frame in life. Or as my dear friend Bobby would say, my Cara Mia, my Morticia. See I didn't even see myself making it this far and when you have a death wish it's kind of hard to grasp life.
Im a recovering sex addict. Largely impacted by my toxic relationships with men and my own lack of love upbring fueled by my impulse control from my ADHD.
3 years sober. Most people who knew me before believe this sobriety still isnt real. They tell me I'm a liar.
But those who know my change understand why I've done it and what matters most to me, my children. Growing up in a day and age where the world is fueled by sexual innuendos, and sex selling everything, my task is a rather daunting one.
For one, I've gained weight, my previous sex life was cardio. My daily exercise. It provided so much serotonin and dopamine.
And as my life crumbles around me, me waiting on some sort of miracle from God/Universe to give me my one. The one that beats the odds and defies the urge to jump ship, where in the beginning is was hard, and then easier and easier. The more life let's me down, the more I can't lie and say I just want to let down my hair and let loose.
I had a table of men at my job last week. All hitting on me, even as I've gained weight (a lot in my breast I never had before) they made me feel beautiful. And then instantly back to reality. They only wanted me for sex.
One of them expressed how hard it was to concentrate on me taking their orders because the second I walked away they all started talking about my tits. Something old me would feel as some sort of acomishment.
My friend (against my will) gave my number to an asshat of a guy who met me at the local bar. Eye fucking me. Putting his legs on my chair. Giving me all the go ahead signals. But he was arrogent not confident and those are two completely different things. So I was most certainly not interested.
But the more chaos that happens, the more I want to free the demons of desire. To revert back to my old ways. While I question the entire human race, I am aware I am a part of it.
I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I know that when I wake up in the morning, I am the one who has to look at me. I have to know my character. I look for the every lesson in every mistake.
But having cancer, alone, in pain regularly, holding on to something I think may regret not doing again, I might just need to be crazy and have the shit fucked out of me. Or smoke a blunt. Now, honestly those are abrasive statements, 1 because I've worked damn hard on my own celibacy, 2, I stopped smoking weed. Years ago.
So I need to figure out how to get these healthy levels of dopamine back in my brain before I loose all self control and turn into a romantic terrorist.
How do people keep the charades up when there doesn't seem to be an end game?
I go to church, I volunteer, I with a purposeful attempt try to be a good human being. Why is it so damn hard to find a nice guy?
And I don't go looking.. stopped a while ago, but if friends could hook me up with non douche bag type guys that would be great.
The fundamentals of what I'm looking for.. in order...
Honest
Trustworthy
Funny
Kind
Empathetic
Hardworking
Adventurous
Forgiving
None of those things are superficial?? Why is it that complicated? They say good guys finish last, but I would beg to differ, good women do.
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