And in the beginning

There are these trial and errors we go through in life. It's basically all of life. I'd like to sit down with God and ask him the purpose of everything.  Why not create a utopian vision of society? Why as babies learning to walk are we never afraid to get back up but loose that sense as we get older?

To look through a child's eyes everything is magical. It's a beautiful place full of adventure and wonder. At what age do we loose that innocence? Is it stolen from us at the moment of comprehensiveness? When you realize you work your lives away to buy back the products you make for someone else to get the money? Is it some traumatic event that forces you to grow faster than you should?

My first memory in life was sitting in a yellow plastic chair. The tiny kind with a scene painted on the seat. I was trying learn to whistle. I didn't give up. I kept trying and trying and trying, failing miserably until I eventually got my lips close enough together it worked.

Where's my tenacity for life like that. I don't remember being afraid that I would never be able to do it. But as an adult I feel like when it comes to the things I want the most, I'm an infant that will never walk.

Success has never meant money to me. It was always happiness. It was always love. And the older I get, the less the love I receive, the more I feel the need to be the love. But it's a purpose where I'm always walking on eggshells. I hear people say all the time to love yourself. Love yourself first. Unfortunately I believe we already live in an egosentric world where everyone loves themselves too much as is.

They put themselves first when they look at the homeless man on the corner. They think about what new pink outfit they are going to wear and less about kids in urban schools going without. They complain in our capatilistic society and everything is never enough.

I've recently dealt with Hollywood type people. It's oddly apparent that even though they have everything they could want, an air of snutiness runs their lives. As if they forgot to be human. As if they don't want to be human. They all run around flashing pictures of their idols as if they were children learning to whistle, but the real world doesn't exist outside of that.

I find it perplexing. As a person who loathes greed anyway, who is really killing our planet? Is it the people who against all odds make it to the top? Making millions of dollars? Or is it the people who keep buying into their showbiz dreams and idolize them over the people who do the things the world needs?

Example, teachers are grossly unpaid. And they provide a service for all children to basically qualify through life. They are the starting point of our dreams. They encourage, support, fund. Most of them come out of their own pockets when children go without. And yet we pay $20 a movie ticket and throw in the popcorn and candy and drink for another $35 and buy into a false reality for entertainment purposes. Millions of people at a time.

Personal accountability tells me, it's our own fault. We need to change what we view as entertainment and support those who support us.

After dealing with a few of these Hollywood type people I came to a vision, a way to support people with the big hearts still left in the world.

*Alert I'm going to use names here*
As some of you know I was recently catfished by someone pretending to be Tom Green... looking at his image, being a comedian at that you would think he was generally a nice kind guy. Even in Hollywood you would think there were nice people. My God was I wrong. I let him know someone was watching his Facebook page and setting up a messenger pretending to be him. Almost an immediate response... hey this has been happening are you still in contact with this person? (The person was actually texting me at the same moment) my response is yes, would you like the number? Yes, stop communication with them immediately. Block them.

Now at this point I've wasted a month and a half of my life talking to this person who played the role perfectly. Until he/they didnt... Not going to lie... pretty heartbroken, not that it wasn't actually Tom Green himself, but because this person knew me. We had talked about my family, and friends, and heart breaks, and trauma. I opened up. I woke up and went to bed with love sonnets.  I was told I love you a thousand times a day. And as a person who tries her hardest, despite my own circumstances to love the people of the world just because there isn't enough good people in it, it felt wonderful. Despite the stupidness. It's what women dream of. Especially because the rest of my life was crashing around me I had one good thing a day to look forward to.

And it was ripped from me. That's a lot to take in. So while I'm communicating with Mr. Green himself, I asked if I could ask him a question. He said yes.

The question I posed was this.. I was recently raped, lost everything and found out I had cancer, is the world really that full of bad People?
His response was this... I'm sorry that happened please call my manager.

This bothered me for a million reasons, one being this is a man who publicly went through cancer. No words of wisdom. Obviously way more concern for his career. Because having something like a catfish could hurt him, but it d idnt matter that I was a human and it already hurt me. It's like you could hear the dollar bills crashing around him.

So in the midst of the ground falling out from under me, this person who you would think was maybe less Hollywood than most, had no remorse. None.

As if my feelings of the situation weren't bad enough already, I instantly preferred the fake version I got of him everyday. At least that person pretended to be kind. Now my thoughts ponder should I have even told him? Should I of allowed even the fake happiness I explored to continue because at least it made me feel as if though there was still wonder in the world? Because at least I felt like I was back in my yellow plastic chair and could whistle?

The lie was a million times better than the real person. Who was cold. Unwaveringly cold. What's worse is when I sent the messages and called his manager, (best part here) he lectured me on being dumb enough to believe this.  Degrading the possibilities of love. And then had the nerve to tell me well the person you just actually spoke to on was actually Tom. Like at that point it was relivant to me as a human being.

The point was that I was human, living a real, struggling life, and I was wounded. None of that mattered. And if one of the only people you would think has more of a soul than say Tom Cruise instead, doesn't, where is the wonder in the world?

Where is everyone's humanity?