ughhh being me...yuck

Admitting we are all human and have faults sucks. Apologizing even when you're hurt is even harder. It's not Tom Greens fault I was catfished. It was my own. Why we have this innate desire to be loved when there is so little chance I do not understand. I do actually. Its because we need love. Not to have it but manifest it. To give it to others when we can't find it.

How much better would life be if everyone stopped at the same time thinking of themselves and instantaneously started thinking about the rest of the world. The road less traveled, it isn't an easy one. Our cells were designed to crave. To exist. We have primal instinct that forces us to think about ourselves.

We dream... lots of dreams. Some of us it's applause, and some its world peace. How to we bridge the gap? How do we instead of craving love, turn into it?

I have always believed one random act of kindness at a time can change the world. It's how I live. And even perhaps why i do so in poverty. Is it the select few that hold the rest of us up? What do the haves, have? The haves? Things? Trinkets?

I can't answer that. I do believe fear plays a huge part in everything we do, or don't do. It's why we stop ourselves from kissing in that moment of what could be passion. Why we never ask the girl out in the first place. Its why we eat alone during lunch afraid no one will like the real us. Very much the ugly side of us, is in fact hard to love. But more so than the ugly part of us, that we hide away from the world, and not very well at that, is greed.

I hate it with a passion. After screenshotting over a thousand messages and now being stalked. Having to start from this place of ugliness.

Where Benga after 6 years crushed me. Left me when I needed him the most. And is not his fault, I did not make it easy to love me. I envy those who do. I  laid in a bed sobbing, curled into a ball, my grandmother begging me to go to the hospital and check myself in. Hyperventilating, having panic attacks, walking around as if though all of the air had just been taken out of my lungs. He was the air I breathed. I loved him so much I lost myself. Something that took me years to regain.

I didn't even realize how much I had given away until it was too late. Till I felt nothing. Empty.
Rewind right before he did this to me, and I did this to myself. I had three years of celibacy stripped of me. Raped. because I trusted. Days after finding out about the cancer. How and what does anyone do with these things?

How do you rise above the circumstances when your life is something out of a bad lifetime movie? When you didnt ever have people to care for you? Basically sold into sex slavery. Incest. Beatings. Locked in rooms. When you're old enough to look for love, you ruin it because you were never told what to watch for.

I'm not ungrateful for my life. I'm very grateful actually, because God forbid, I hadn't learned every lesson, I wouldn't know what to teach my own children. Who I pray escape the things I endured. To
be not so trusting.

Is trust what's to blame? In our world that is so cold that inhumane, is trust what ruins us and leaves whats displayed?

Why in the world do we trust capitalism? But not love? Is it greed, or trust that makes us discredit each other? Always thinking the worst?

Or even worse when you do let your guard down... being hurt. I assume most people are like me. Scared to love and try anyway, despite the terror. I don't know anyone's story. I only know my own. And maybe its because I missed out on so much of Love that I want to embody it so much. The reason I want to know everyone's story. The up's and down's and what makes each individual who they are.

I find it awing that some of the poorest nations are also some of the happiest. Why can't we find that here?

Also.. if everything is backwards here, Dog spells God backwards, and I think maybe its why they love us so much. And maybe we should be taking lessons on loyalty from them.