I hope this whole fake scenario isn't the only interesting thing that happens to me in my life. He really did try again to tell me he was another famous person as if I hadn't figured out how he got a California phone number. (Text Me app) and when he did, I asked if he wanted me to send him pictures of who he was claiming to be. He told me he liked I was smart. I told him he's nothing but a coward and a liar and I'd rather not waste anymore of my time because he was living a life of fear. He made up his own opinion long before me that he was not lovable, and that's when he decided to take part in the evil of the world. He prejudged me and decided I didn't deserve the truth.
What's worse is he originally pretended it was because I posted Marry Me on the real Tom's fb page. All the deception, all the bold face lies, everything he pretended to be, was because those two words. Two words I wrote while I hysterically cried laying in my friends bed watching old Canadian TV heartbroken over Benga. Suicidal. Sobbing. Those two words written in a tragic moment to humor myself and break the heavy thought of loneliness earned me the trophy of all this.
The actual Tom thinks I'm a moron. Not to mention I'm sure for his career purposes he's not even allowed or would even want to speak to me. I'm sure he equally prejudged me. And this other person, I will just keep calling him fake Tom, in a moment of my already miserable lonely existence, decided that even though life had been hail storming shitty things on me since birth, I needed some more. So he could not only waste my time, what little heart I have left, but try to get rich quick.
I swear, I have had a shitty enough life I do not need anyone to go out of their way to try to make it worse. Just video tape it and I'm sure even after a week you'll have enough footage to last you a lifetime.
I often contemplate death. I find when you really need a friend, you find yourself alone. Unless you're my friend, then you have someone who will bend over backwards like a fucking idiot for you.
Not to say smite God right now, but lets put into perspective the last year of my life.
Benga is gone. Forever gone. Lost my house, my car, I have cancer for the third time. I have a special needs kid going through puberty, I was raped, I had to put down, not one, but two of my dogs. Who were my best friends, fuck, hella more loyal than humans. I have zero insurance, I don't work enough to feed my kids, I can't look for another job to take a month off to get a fucking hysterectomy. I can't paint. I have no funds to even do what I love. My body is tired. What I do have when I work goes to my Nana to help her with her expenses and bills too. The extent of my love life is getting catfished by someone who pretended to be Tom, and I fucking believed them for a month. For the person to completely degrade me for two words I wrote as a joke. I'm always exhausted. There isn't enough of me. I don't even know how to socialize anymore.
The majority of the world is cruel, unkind, and frankly just fucking mean. But saying I contemplate death during these things makes me mental.
This is what I wonder about suicide, if we actually do it, are we not supposed to do it, because in every reality there is a me, and to take one out of this dimension in fact creates an error? Because we are all connected but I would break the connection if I killed myself? Why then wouldn't that connection just be broken anyway when I died? I wonder what my doppelgangers are doing right now. I would if they think about death the way I do. I wonder if anyone does.
I've met death, honestly it's beautiful. It's this place that annoys me. Who wants to grow old hating the place they are? I often wonder if we are not supposed to kill ourselves because we are taking God's power out of his hands? Even though, we are God? Does that then make us not only a paradox, but a paradox wrapped in an enigma?
You're all just a bunch of tetrahedrons. Nothing more, nothing less. All these grandiose facts of life are just illusions we keep buying into.
I wonder what it's like doing DMT right as you're about to jump out of a plane to go skydiving. I bet that the entire earth would make sense. I bet whoever has the balls to do this, has a bigger idea of life, and what it actually encompasses more than anyone ever.
I'm sleeping on the fucking beach again tonight. I can't take my own thoughts anymore. I wish my brain had a shut the fuck up mode I could hit a button and put into effect.
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