I hadn't heard from the date guy in about a week. I more than assumed that he wasn't interested. He's incredibly hot. Not that in the realm of things I think about people that is at the top of my list. But he's edgy hot. Gauged septum. dreadlocks. Likes to wear pink. The out of the everyday norm are things I enjoy. Punk rock genius? Definitely what I would be into. Kinda the same boat I'm in. And while I had fun on our date, I mean we did hang out for something like 7 hours. Which is a accomplishment itself if you ask me, I just assumed when I had only heard two sentences from him since, he wasn't interested. Which is fine by me, I most certainly knew a long time ago I wasn't everyone's cup of tea.
But I woke up this morning with a message from him saying he had been locked out of something on his phone and wasn't able to shoot me a message, but he was really interested in me, if he didn't scare me away, he had a lot of fun together and wants to hang out again soon.
I'm down... I'm still a little thrown off that I actually know who his booty call is. Also that he claims he didn't know that when women ask to bathe at his house, or take naps in his bed, they were in fact trying to sleep with him. I am like a super monogamous person. I can deal with open relationships, I have before, as long as both parties understand the rules of engagement, no harm no foul. Neal (fake cancer) never played by the rules. He actually just thought what was good for the goose, was only good for the goose. He couldn't handle that I could separate my emotions in the same way he did. And one time, on one of our infamous breaks, started fucking this guy that I had introduced him to. He was my friend first. And we both happened to be single at the same time and found one another on a dating app. We had disgustingly filthy sex for months. I'm talking so dirty I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror afterwards.
I do miss Vegas sometimes. He was great in bed. And he was down asf. Like he understood the rules. We tried group sex with other people. Some of my funniest sex memories are with him...
But anyways, at one point Fake cancer and I had made up. We had gotten into a fight and I screamed at him I fucked Vegas. Where I thought he would hate me, he invited me over. We talked about it, and when I said it had went on for months, I still remember the question that came out of his mouth...
You fucked Vegas? or you were fucking Vegas, because fucked implies it happened only once.
I have been fucking Vegas. I didn't go into details, but he was happy I had just been honest. Fast forward to a month later.. I get a new cell phone, throw the old one in a drawer at home... Fake cancer comes to stay the night, steals said cell phone... charges it, and goes through every intimate detail of not only my sexual escapades with Vegas, but everyone I had been seeing and talking to, all the things I had said about him, and then butthurt texts me saying someone forwarded all this information to him. And the best part, even if that had been true, he acted like me having group sex while we were on a break was any of his fucking business. Mind you he cheated on me and wasn't honest for three fucking years????
I eventually found my cell phone at his house. Of course he still denied he had taken it... Like I was stupid enough to believe him. Fucking retard. But where do some people get off? I never pretended to be innocent. I just understood the rules of the game we were playing. It was a don't ask don't tell policy. Not to mention, I was forthcoming about our mutual acquaintance without going into details.
But this is exactly the problem. Men don't understand that while we have hearts, we do know how to . turn them off. We do know how to play by their rules. They don't like us being emotionally available, and being okay with any scenario. They hate they think they are smarter and yet we are fully capable of doing the same things as them.
To me sex is sex. Love is love. And you can love to have sex, and you can make love... But we are able to distinguish the difference sincerely about the options.
But the physics major.... Hot, into the same kind of things as me. I love being able to have conversations with a person who can comprehend how my brain works. It is so few and so far between. I nearly forgot what I was talking about.... I've waited since fake cancer to be with anyone. Very few even peak my interest in the first place. But I definitely don't want to start something and end up jealous, or non committed at this point. He seems to kinda run through women. He doesn't much like taking his time. And told me openly his last few ex's couldn't handle his schedule.
I'm a needy person. I am aware about this myself. I'm not afraid to tell men if you have to question if you can handle me or not, odds are you cannot, do not try, we will both end up hurt.
But this guy can comprehend my brain. He likes to read books. Even when we were on our date he kept discussing us in a future tense. Like we can go here, and we can invite friends to do blah blah blah.... I was a little thrown off by that actually. And I'm still daydreaming about a fake scenario that likely will never happen with a man who barely knows I exist.
How did my love life end up so complicated when I don't even have one?
When will my brain give me a break?
Why can't the real Tom just be in love with me? And then say fuck being on the road all the time, that he read everyone of my messages with fake Tom and he does want to hide in the woods and go canoeing and have me read books to him? That he wants me to rub him down after a long day? He wants me to make him pancakes and bacon for breakfast? And listen to vinyl together.
Oh and as far as we know, the fake Tom's name is actually Isaac. He's 25. And he still thinks he's in love with me. But I'm more mad now that I daydream about the real thing because of the ideas he planted in my head.
And frankly I just need to get laid. FML
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