The Call of the Void

The French call it, l’appel du vide. It's that small voice in the back of your head at the top of a mountain that screams, jump. Just do it.

They say it's a mental instability to contemplate death. I would like to disagree. I think grappling with your own mortality is your cells ways of trying to decide to continue to multiply or understand the tragedy of life and self destruct.

Suicide in nearly every religion is considered wrong. And so much so that even in Buddhism we attend our next life to relive the karmatic events of the one you give up.

I'd like to know who I beheaded in my last life to deserve this lives Karma.

I died once. It was the most phenomenal experience of my entire being. It was also self drug induced. DMT. The most illegal substance, a class C drug not even regulated for government use. But, I suppose as most things, if the government says it's wrong, there is some truth finding path to realize you don't need the government at all.

Some people say their souls shoot straight up, some say straight down. But they always say before you do it you should have a question to ask the universe.

I didn't find out about this until I was around 24. I was immediately engulfed by the idea that you could intrinsically find life and death at the same time. So by what I can only precieve as the laws of attraction, after studying it for months,  I met a stranger,  my own personal shaman,  who parted the red sea to give me my life's answers. 

My question? What am I doing here? What is my purpose? I feel as if I fail at everything and I need to know.

As this shaman gave me the directions on what to do, as if I hadn't listened to a million Joe Rogan or Terrance McKenna stories, I inhaled, and I let go.

I didn't go up, or down. I felt my soul pass straight out into the center of everything. Where I met the heart of God.

I use the world God loosely so more can understand and grasp the beauty of what I'm about to say.

God is not a man in a white robe. His heart is two spheres with an Infiniti beams around them. Each with a million octagon diamond bright beaming rainbow prismic colors. And from those two spheres came more, and more, and more, circling about in a fibonacci spiral.

After passing through black and white rotating geometric patterns that's where I landed. I knew without a doubt I was dead. But death itself is incredible. And as my councious was scared and still in awe, a being came rotating with the spheres, legs crossed and telling me, let go of your anxiety.

Soon after that the thought of my son came to me. Zeth, Zeth, Zeth, and I felt myself being pulled back through time and space, and as I got closer, it was as if time itself was rewinding. I saw my son as he was older, playing with children of his own in a living room. Until his age progressed to the current time and I was back in my body.

I have memories like dreams I don't want to give up about this place. Trying to piece it back together because I lived with no fear, no uncertainty of what life was.

We are all Gods. Where in the after life everything may be perfect,  we cannot touch one another. We do not taste, we do not smell, we only know. There are no kisses, or long goodbyes. There is no heartbreak. No desire except to reincarnate and do it again.

And the only thing better than knowing everything is knowing nothing at all. So imagine we are all the universe playing hide and go seek with itself. Because this, even in the pain is heaven here.

I often ask the cosmos to take me back home. I've tried to kill myself. Having your stomach pumped is never pretty. I used to cut myself just so I could remember I was real.

For a long time after I did DMT I wanted to do it again, failed attempts, because I tried to remember I wasn't dead that it was merely an option I wanted to experience.  I was immediately kicked out of that place. Going to someplace of nothing. Just particles. And then back to my human shell.

I remember after reattempting the universe spoke to me and told me, there is plenty of time for death, there is much less time to live.

That's when I stopped trying.

But now I'm at this place again. Where I know that we have nothing to fear in the mundane things, but they have no longer become blessings. Where I contemplate my mortality.

To wonder why my heart is so big and the universe made it so, because roughly 85% of the time I fight the urge to walk deep within the waters and take the biggest breath of my life.

I've always found it peculiar that words are the most powerful force on the face of the earth and yet most people give them no justice. Without bones they are strong enough to build lives or break kingdoms. A single sentence has the makings of eternity.

If every word you ever spoke was written on your skin, who would you be?

The Call of the void is always loud in my brain. I have had many friends commit suicide. I never think of a place of heaven or hell in such a way as it's biblically described, I imagine it's a reset button very few are brave enough to hit.

Because at the end of the day are the people who listen to the call merely cells self destructing in a place they find no way or anything worthy of multiplying for?

The more I contemplate my own more mortality, the more I realize it boils down to love. My cells always want to self destruct when it comes to the lack of love. Because love is the only place things multiply and grow.