"Tom" aka fake Tom contacted me again today. I also sent his info to the Real Tom. That's how I know our strange interlocking connection in the universe was over. But I don't think the fake one was actually planning on me finding him. I think he thought I was a retard. I'm sure what the real one thinks along with his people do too.
I'm not. I'm not stupid because I believe in love. I am a person who looks at the entirety of the universe and hopes, and prays, and has an unyielding desire to hope for more. I see greed, and despair, and starvation, and I look for miracles, and hope, and glances of good within it. Because I don't my entire being would dissipate. Because with all the evil, who in their fucking right mind would continue without hope?
So, when he text and I called him by his name, he asked who are you calling Harrison? I said you... I got a lol and a ok back.
Then to make sure he knew I was in fact correct about knowing who I was speaking to, I told him about himself.. Navajo man.. around 60?
Silence is golden. I tried to talk to him some more after that, but my guess is he knew at that point I knew what I was talking about and likely got scared. Rightfully so.
Did you know that I test in the genius IQ range? Like I am actually brilliant. In high school I skipped nearly every class to get high. Smoking weed was way better than sitting in some class next to people I hated anyway. After the fact, when I didn't graduate, I enrolled in some program to get me GED ready. With a tutor. I missed so many appointments (smoking weed and lots of cocaine). At one point my tutor got to the point he was tired of wasting his time. He called me and said I have one more chance to sit down with him or he was going to quit. I said fine, met with him and he put the books in front of me and starting asking me questions. And when I answered all of them correctly, he looked at me puzzled and said he was going to give me a practice test. Which I did just fine. So we scheduled the actual tests.
I show up, high as fuck from the night before, trippin balls, everyone looks like midgets. Do the test and leave. I call a couple weeks later, and get my results form my tutor. To which I heard, Melissa I was just getting ready to call you, .......and? Out of 50 people, you scored the highest on every test. The lowest score you had was a 98%....
Cool. That's when I enrolled in college. I just don't like the formality of classes. That structure isn't for me.
I'm very smart. I just choose to regardless want to believe in the unknown. I want the magic. I need it. Because knowing every possibility doesn't make me smart. Being wise doesn't get you anywhere but logical answers. Who wants logic? The world is already cold and calculated. It's a giant mathematical equation. I get physics. I love physics. Really, there is magic in it too.
But to believe in love, it's not to believe in just a mathematical improvability. It's to trust what you can't see. To feel dopamine, and oxytocin course through you veins and want more, and run with the wind. It's a real life adventure. It's saying to hell with opinions, and and odds, and feeling the earth on all of it's axis, and the movement of it's thousands of miles an hour, that everyone else chooses to ignore.
I'm not a fucking retard for believing in love. Morons have all the answers and never question anything. My IQ is 122. It's not at the top of the scale, but it's higher than most. It leaves me craving for someone with an above average IQ to have real conversations with.
Even when I went to dinner with the physics major last week... At least I could have a conversation with someone who understood that there is more than meets the eye. That for anything to be possible, everything had to be. The human eye, actually only sees 1% of whats around us. That actually means that there are 99% invisible forces at work at any given time. That's worth believing in. At least for the time we hung out I didn't feel so alone.
Back to being an evil genius by myself though. At least till I find someone brave enough to embrace me. But for your enjoyment... Here are Harrison's and I's conversation today where her was caught... and then quiet. Ignore my typos I was driving and changing songs at the same time..lol
(this is about an hour after I originally wrote this) and I have heard from Harrison, who was essentially pissed off he was caught. Tried to emotionally manipulate me. As most narcissists do. Telling be basically I was just a stupid girl who wrote Marry Me on Tom greens page. And the second my dreams didn't come true I pushed love away, and talked "shitty" as he kept telling me. Telling me I'm too damaged to love. That I'm mean and pushed him away when I didn't get my way.
Asked if I was such a genius why then would I be pissed off? Because I have a heart you fucking manipulative fuck. Again, and now more so than ever I understand why I wake up everyday and choose to be the person I am regardless. This man not only told me I was right (duh) but the person I saw in him was someone he left a long time ago. Because emotions make you weak. And there is no place for weakness in this world. It will devour you.
And I saw it. Right there in that statement the reason the universe put him in my path for. I was exhausted, weakened by my own senses. Tired. And tried. And worn. I had previously been annihilated for love. This unicorn of a feeling I had been searching for was dampening my soul. I was exhausted. I was on the outskirts of my own being reminding myself again that perhaps I do need to give up. And then I heard him. In his most honest statement ever. And his words truer than any ever spoken before.
And I know.. I know if I give up even when there is less air at the top, it will turn me into him. A monster. It will make me exactly what I hate more than anything. Greedy and prideful. Everything I am maybe be a foreign object the universe made and put here, but even here, there needs to be beacons of light. I do not now, or ever wish for monetary riches. I don't have a lust for things. It does get weary being alone, but I will certainly be damned if I'm a fucking unicorn settling for just a pony show.
He thought I was in lust for a name. I was not. Would it of been way fucking cool to be the real Tom lady? Fuck yeah, but every conversation would of been the same. I wouldn't of changed. Is Tom my type? Yes, smart, comedic, uninhibited? Those are things I crave for in a partner. But what he has acquired he would never let go of, and I don't belong in that kind of world. I don't need to be in the hollywood hills. I don't like cameras. I don't need to be an idiot to get people to pay attention to me. Nor do I fit what I am more than sure is his type. He may have been a comedic genius when he was younger, but now he's just another guy who cares more about money and riches and fame than he does about actually living. To be honest, my heart breaks for both of them.
I'm heart broken over two men I have never known. This is me. This is how my heart operates. When I would fantasize about talking to him, he was gentle, I could hear his voice when I would read his texts. I imagined our room, and driving him crazy with love. Playful. Fun. When I did actually speak to the real one, I feel bad he has to be cold and calculated. He has no room for error, or passion. Where I imagined pillow fights, and tickling, and making breakfast, he is not even allowed to speak. He is not allowed to just be. There is too much risk for this once seemingly hilarious guy, to live. To just be. And while I'm sure he doesn't mind in that going home to his mansion, to his hot girlfriend. I wanted midnight water balloon fights, and kayaking, and jumping out of planes together. Intelligent conversations, and lazy Sundays filled with books. And singing together in the car.
This is the part where my own mind would like to have the ability to eat itself like a praying mantis's mate. In reality, I got an old bitter Native man taking advantage of people because of his circumstances. And an old bitter comedian, who had dollar bills where his heart used to be. The lesson I learned, is a hard one to swallow. I'd rather have love than anything at all. That's not a weakness. In fact, I'm positive now very few people have the ability to hold that strength. I'm gracious and disheartened now.
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