I came clean to Sir Ed and just asked him why he was nice to me. He said he didn't know. I spoke to him exactly when they needed people at his job and he figured why not.
I don't expect anything from him. Not even kindness. I have a total of 2 friends. One who's husband has severe brain cancer, and an 80 year old woman who is a shut in.
I am a recovering sex addict with cancer. I'm a social pariah. No one wants to be my friend. I want to be his friend though, just to show him how great he is. He in that one moment of kindness gave me something no one else had. Except my dad. He doesn't know I have cancer. He doesn't know anything about me really. He knows I'm a girl who abused his heart, and basically ripped him off after I got robbed and we got into a giant fight. The last we spoke. He's definitely allowed to be reluctant. And as he said lets just start off trying to have a working friendship. I was going to go out of my way to do that anyway. I'm perplexed by him. Vastly perplexed.
I want to cry about this. I don't know if it's because I'm exhausted and need sleep, or because of the way bigger implications.
1. I fucked up possibly the only relationship in my life that would of been worth a damn, and that fucking sucks all by itself.
2. He gave me a piece of me I have been missing for a long time. Unknowingly. And when I type that the tears are forming. I really didn't think I was capable of seeing this in another man in my lifetime. I've been not me for a long time. Narcissistic relationships taking their toll on me more than I ever knew apparently. And I only caring about myself. I remember times giving so much of me to men I had nothing left. So scorn by those feelings I didn't want to give anymore of me in that way. An innocence of kindness gone I didn't take responsibility for in my hurt, and punished not only him but many men for.
After I was robbed, after he was gone it changed my life. I really did grow the fuck up a lot. I just didn't want to be the kind of person that could do that to another human being. So instead of being mad, I started praying for the people who did it to me. Wishing and hoping they had a family they had to take care and needed to do it. And deciding to flourish the earth with random acts of kindness whenever I could. To be the coffee.
And while Ed doesn't know me anymore, and very hesitant to anyway, I really do just want to not only pay him the money that was stolen from me, but repay him for the bigger gift he gave me, he in that moment became a tight stitch in a gaping wound.. I don't know if it's because I always think I'm dying and my hysterectomy consult isn't for a couple more weeks, and when you're sick you have a different outlook on life. Or because he literally embodied the change I want to see in the world, but I just want to thank him. And while words are powerful, I stumble on mine. I'm a fumbling idiot.
And he is attractive, and I do daydream, I know it's very unlikely that he would ever give me the chance again anyways. And that's okay. It sucks, but I do understand. But that doesn't make me want to not want to woo him with kindness any less. I want him to know the real me. The person he doesn't know. I was fun and attractive before, I'm sure that was engaging. But I was a shitty human.
Now not so attractive, and he's bitter about our past. I am a good person, who is extremely flawed and working on getting it together. Who mentors and works with kids. And helps take care of her Nana. And rescues animals. And stopped eating them to make the planet safer for everyone. The kind of person who cares about carbon emissions, and dreams of bees being safe. And loves space and the universe. And the kind of person who would rather be hurt by him than to ever hurt him again. I want him to know that he could have the shirt off my back, even if he hates me forever. I'm not a party animal, I'm a homebody now. I hang out with my kids and drive them nuts. I may not be nearly as hot, but I think I'm a lot better person now.
He said the boss is impressed by my work ethic. I'm glad, I am a hard worker, and I like the job. It sucks being weird and new. Even more so with your awkward relationship ex right by. He said I might not work for a couple of weeks. I will follow up every week twice a week. I need dollars.
He didn't have to speak up for me. To try to link me up with other employees who get work regularly and say nice things about me. He didn't have to put in an extra good word in with the boss to help. He doesn't even have to attempt to talk to me while I'm there... I'm just so confused by this all...
I don't expect anything from him. Not even kindness. I have a total of 2 friends. One who's husband has severe brain cancer, and an 80 year old woman who is a shut in.
I am a recovering sex addict with cancer. I'm a social pariah. No one wants to be my friend. I want to be his friend though, just to show him how great he is. He in that one moment of kindness gave me something no one else had. Except my dad. He doesn't know I have cancer. He doesn't know anything about me really. He knows I'm a girl who abused his heart, and basically ripped him off after I got robbed and we got into a giant fight. The last we spoke. He's definitely allowed to be reluctant. And as he said lets just start off trying to have a working friendship. I was going to go out of my way to do that anyway. I'm perplexed by him. Vastly perplexed.
I want to cry about this. I don't know if it's because I'm exhausted and need sleep, or because of the way bigger implications.
1. I fucked up possibly the only relationship in my life that would of been worth a damn, and that fucking sucks all by itself.
2. He gave me a piece of me I have been missing for a long time. Unknowingly. And when I type that the tears are forming. I really didn't think I was capable of seeing this in another man in my lifetime. I've been not me for a long time. Narcissistic relationships taking their toll on me more than I ever knew apparently. And I only caring about myself. I remember times giving so much of me to men I had nothing left. So scorn by those feelings I didn't want to give anymore of me in that way. An innocence of kindness gone I didn't take responsibility for in my hurt, and punished not only him but many men for.
After I was robbed, after he was gone it changed my life. I really did grow the fuck up a lot. I just didn't want to be the kind of person that could do that to another human being. So instead of being mad, I started praying for the people who did it to me. Wishing and hoping they had a family they had to take care and needed to do it. And deciding to flourish the earth with random acts of kindness whenever I could. To be the coffee.
And while Ed doesn't know me anymore, and very hesitant to anyway, I really do just want to not only pay him the money that was stolen from me, but repay him for the bigger gift he gave me, he in that moment became a tight stitch in a gaping wound.. I don't know if it's because I always think I'm dying and my hysterectomy consult isn't for a couple more weeks, and when you're sick you have a different outlook on life. Or because he literally embodied the change I want to see in the world, but I just want to thank him. And while words are powerful, I stumble on mine. I'm a fumbling idiot.
And he is attractive, and I do daydream, I know it's very unlikely that he would ever give me the chance again anyways. And that's okay. It sucks, but I do understand. But that doesn't make me want to not want to woo him with kindness any less. I want him to know the real me. The person he doesn't know. I was fun and attractive before, I'm sure that was engaging. But I was a shitty human.
Now not so attractive, and he's bitter about our past. I am a good person, who is extremely flawed and working on getting it together. Who mentors and works with kids. And helps take care of her Nana. And rescues animals. And stopped eating them to make the planet safer for everyone. The kind of person who cares about carbon emissions, and dreams of bees being safe. And loves space and the universe. And the kind of person who would rather be hurt by him than to ever hurt him again. I want him to know that he could have the shirt off my back, even if he hates me forever. I'm not a party animal, I'm a homebody now. I hang out with my kids and drive them nuts. I may not be nearly as hot, but I think I'm a lot better person now.
He said the boss is impressed by my work ethic. I'm glad, I am a hard worker, and I like the job. It sucks being weird and new. Even more so with your awkward relationship ex right by. He said I might not work for a couple of weeks. I will follow up every week twice a week. I need dollars.
He didn't have to speak up for me. To try to link me up with other employees who get work regularly and say nice things about me. He didn't have to put in an extra good word in with the boss to help. He doesn't even have to attempt to talk to me while I'm there... I'm just so confused by this all...
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