More than erasing. Benga.

I found myself going through my photos yesterday and deleting ones from Google I didn't need. Backed up photos of my ex and a million screenshots.

I got to all the photos of Benga and I, our life together, and while it was nothing to erase my ex, I couldn't bring myself to delete ours. It was years of my life and memories. It's not that I'm not moving on. It's not that I know he has. It's more for every bad thing, every excruciating thing we did to one another, I lived this life for years. I can't erase these years. He's not just some douche bag I want to forget.

And while a lot of his words are, he isn't. I know him regardless. He was a lesson I most certainly did not want to learn. But we did have so many good times. He's every where still. My photos, my Instagram, my heart. And while right now it's a giant wound, he isn't a memory that will just go away. I remember laughing. As much as getting angry. I remember all the good shit. Somedays it haunts me. But less and less. I'm not gasping for air anymore.

His sister text me today. Basic conversation at first. Then asking what happened to his last good job.

I told her it wasn't a pretty story. She said she didn't expect it to be. And I rehashed some of the hurt.

I also explained I wish him the best, as we don't speak, she should ask him these questions. We were both awful to each other for two people who had been friends for so long. Way more than we should of ever been. She agreed. And wished me and the kids her best. I did the same for her and her family.

But he has a new girlfriend. He has a whole new life. And I'm not sure what that is. His family has always been kind. I will always love them too. His sister has listened to me sobbing missing him. She knows how deeply I loved him.

And that's why it could never work. You can love someone, especially a person who is not ready for it, too much.

It led to so much backlash. So much ugly between us. So much denial and betrayal.

I can say these things now that I can breathe. It still hurts tremendously. I will always love him because I know him, because he's a good man. He has an amazing soul. But it hurts he won't see me, or my kids who loved him too, or our dog who loved her dad with a passion. And I know he wishes no ill will to us. I'm sure he occasionally misses the good times too. So I can't delete him from my pictures, or sometimes as much as I wish otherwise, my heart. Because he exsisted, with importance.

It's almost worse than a divorce. I stayed without obligation. So did he. Until we didn't. Until it was fueled with rage and devastation.

I will miss him until the end of time. Hoping that he finds in someone what he couldn't find in me. I hope he's happy. And maybe one day billions of years down the road, maybe we can be friends again. So all of our life spent, we can at least look back because we know that it was real. He's worth way more than erasing. He's worth remembering and cherishing the good in.