Hot Mess Blessings and the Case of the Fake People

What's a friend?

To me, who I am, it's loyalty. It's trusting someone with your secrets. Your laughter. Being there when then need a shoulder to cry on. Occasionally make stupid fucking decisions with. It's being you and being accepted, and them being them, and you accepting them. I'd like to think I'm a good friend. I also think besides knowing I am an everyday hot mess, that I also try to be a good person to everyone.  It's definitely not an easy task. I am naturally a hot mess, I just said that.

My friends. I have three. Two I trust with my entire life. And both of them have made it past the 7 year mark. And not that there is anything wrong with the 3rd, I just feel like sometimes I'm too much for her to handle. And I'm certain she would tell you that. And we both love each other regardless anyway. I will always be there for her. She does suck at doing it back sometimes, but when she can and is, she meets lifelong friendship standards.

The first is an almost 80 year old woman with one arm. Nanny.. She used to live in the house directly to my back door of my townhouse. I would let my kids go outside and play and I had all the best shit, I worked at a toy store and a couple jobs, so my kids had everything. Ball pits, a moonwalk, slip and slides. So we were a hit. She lived there with her daughter and grandchildren. The kids started coming over, and as all good parents do, we introduced ourselves. Her daughter eventually said this is my mother blah blah blah. I didn't have any friends, and I'm a very cautious person that watches and evaluates the behavior of people before I engage. But these were good people. My kids went away for the evening and I decided to have margaritas and make some for them too. The mom said she wasn't much of a drinker but her mom was a smoker. This is during the I love weed stretch of my life. I was geeked, I had someone to chief with.

So me and my Nanny started hanging out, slowly, and then everyday. When she needed a break she left out her back door, and straight into mine. I tell her now after all this time I wish God would send me a man just like her because I would be happy the rest of my life.

Her daughter did some wilding out shit, selling some dope when she was younger in another state. I'm talking 15, 20 years ago, on the the other side of the country. Now she was going to school full time. Working full time in a doctors office. She was an amazing mom. On top of her kids the same as me. I respect her a lot. She got in a fight with her sons father over child support one day. He was a cop. In Georgia. And one day police cars pulled up like a felony stop, picked her and she went to prison for three years. Nanny was left to take care of the kids. This is now I'll say us being friends about 3 years. Best friends, and neighbors. She didn't work, only S.S. and now had 3 kids. One teenager, one preteen, and a 10 year old.

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this woman. She raised another one of her grandchildren all her life so she was constantly there too, one of her son's was in prison and sent money to him every month. She didn't have a car. And she honestly took care of her whole family. Her other daughter was a drug addict kleptomaniac mess. So her kids were constantly there too. She had her hand full. (I said hand because she only has one lmfao) When she was left alone, I stepped up. She had been there for me. Two in the morning break-up sobbing, my car got picked up one time and she lent me the money to get it out of the impound. She was just one of the kindest, most giving souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

So it was us against the world. I had to train the kids to call me if they needed anything because she was stubborn and wouldn't ask. I would drop anything, dates, errands, friends, I didn't care I stopped what I was doing to make sure they didn't go without. I refused to let them go hungry. And even more, and she loves telling people this about me, to get her anything she wanted. Even when I didn't have a car at one point, I would walk, rain, sleet, snow, to walk to the store and get her a pack of peanut M&M's. I never hesitated, I loved that I was lucky enough to find someone in the world that loves the people around her the way I had. I bought school clothes, groceries, took her to appointments, prepaid money on my phone so the kids could talk to their mom when their phone got turned off. I laugh, because I am a habitual line stepper.. and she got mad at me one time.. I think its only actually been once. She yelled at me and I laughed at her and asked her if she was done. This woman can't make me mad if she tried.

Sometimes with all her stubbornness I liked to watch her try to do something by herself that she would refuse to ask for help with, watch her struggle and piss herself off. Until she gives up and I just laugh and do it for her. This is my Nanny. Her government name is Gloria. I'm the only one who calls her that. To everyone else it's Nanny or Ann. My life is better because I know her. She's dying now. Liver problems. She's still kicking right now though. It's not bad. And I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I'll be front row with the family. Sobbing. She's already given me things to make sure I had something from her, and let her kids know I am to get some of her ashes. It's funny because she does the dumbest shit and disappears to do it, and I'll talk to her daughter who is home now and we joke about how you know Momma's always going to do what she does, and how I know damn good and well when she's lying to me. I love her anyway. Sometimes I call her out, but just chuckle about it. We've been through a lot. While her daughter was away, her grandson who she was taking care of hung out with some friends and went out drinking and driving. He died. I don't think any of us has recovered from that yet. Her the most. Her daughter got to come home for the funeral. I still have a t-shirt I had bought him for school. I wear it all the time. It's my Savon shirt. I'll have it forever.

But this isn't only the epitome of friendship to me. This is love. The mess you get through. The good, the bad, the ugly, the horrible, the excruciating. And just as I said before, if God could just make me a man exactly like her, I will die happy. I have often wondered if our soulmates aren't actually the partners we desire, but pieces of our souls from another life before that we have the privilege of knowing again in this one. I know she may have been my best friend in every life. Two peas in a pod.

One time while she had all the kids, her meth head daughter's son had been staying there for a while on top of everyone else. And meth mom found out we had been smoking weed with him.. The bitch lost it. Like came over yelling and screaming (like she had been raising him in the first place?) He was honor roll.. 15 and a good kid. A little weed compared to the rest of life was no big deal. She was threatening to take her daughter away, (the one Nanny had raised since birth) and I stood there letting her scream. She was mad, that is totally allowed. But then she put her hands on her. I didn't take to kindly to that. At all. She popped my Nan on the forehead, and I snatched her up in the blink of a second by the head of her hair blasted her in the face one really good time, and held her there bent over. She kept telling me to let her go, she was taking her daughter. Her name s Kim btw not meth mom. And I just held her there letting her know she wasn't taking shit and the only thing she was about to do was get the fuck up out of this house. Held her bent over by her scalp for a good five minutes. kept walking her to the door telling her I'll let her out right there. She kept refusing. After the five minutes passed Nan said you can let her go. In that second she was released, she screamed some about going to the police and ran out the door. I would of beat the fuck out her but her daughter was on the couch watching, she was like 9 years old. So I didn't. But the police showed up. I knew him and he was a good friend of mine. He was about 65 years old, what he referred to on the ROAD program. Retired on active duty. And he got a good chuckle out of the situation. But when he showed up, the first thing Nanny said was "If you're going to take her to jail can you just wait a minute so I can go to the ATM so I can get bail money" I died laughing. And good old Leon, (Baker my police friend) chuckles and says, oh no, I'm not taking her, sounds to me that it was a pretty even deal. I don't think I'm going to write a report.

This is Ride or Die. This is the kind of love the whole world deserves. This is my #1.


I have someone in short terms I referred as a friend. I've known her a while. Her name is Rebecca. She can be good to have fun with. She was another neighbor in my townhouses at one point. I'm talking, doing drugs, Fucked up shit "friend" She was always really good at hanging out with you when she was mad at someone else, or needed something. She pretends to be your friend and honestly she just wants something you have. And regardless will turn around and talk about you behind your back. She has a twin sister Rachael. So I was friends with them both. Plenty of times they would fight and try to use me as leverage in the middle. One was always the good one and one was always the bad one. Regardless, these are the friends you get fucked up and take drugs with and it is what it is. Always drama, but honestly I really didn't care. But Rebecca and I work together now. I only work a couple days a week. And about a month and a half ago, her husband was being a dick about something, and I was over it. It was a headache, and I left it at that. I just told him I was done with the situation, and I didn't want to do it anymore. And Rebecca had been lying about what was actually going on so her husband didn't know. So I confront her, shoot her a text telling her he was being a dick and could she tell him the truth... Let it go. Surprise surprise we very rarely see each other at work now, and she doesn't call, or write. And I chuck it up to whatever, I'm pretty used to this with her. Honestly, she's hasn't grown up since I met her. She got married, to a fiend. He works at ford. They both still take drugs. Lie to one another. She claims he cheats and steals her money. But she can't afford a new house without him. She's always been a hustler. Shiesty. Selling, trading, borrowing, lying, stealing to make a little side cash.

They make good money. She lies to welfare so she can live in income based apartments, and says they are separated so she only has to pay $30 in rent every month. Getting hella foodstamps doing the same scheme. Meanwhile they live and maintain a very nice comfortable lifestyle. Two brand new cars. And this is exactly what's wrong with the system. People who actually need it and try to do their best and struggle get denied but there are these people, who don't need it and Milk it. There was a crazy situation with her twin sister two months ago. I had to call CPS because I'm a state mandated reporter. And she's a hot mess wreck. The difference being is Rachael, has a giant heart. She struggles with drugs too, and loving and giving to much to the wrong people. She has her faults, but she is a good person.

I got a text from her last night saying she had talked to her sister (who 2 months ago did so much horrible shit to her it was unreal) and apparently Rebecca was saying some really disturbing things about me and she was really worried about me. So after I get home from work, I take the bait and ask what?

Rachael comes over this morning to talk. Apparently I'm on drugs, making huge scenes at work, pretending to have cancer, I've lost my mind, I started wearing make up and everyone is talking about me behind my back because they don't like it. I destroyed Benga's life. I did horrible things to him, and I made up being raped. And she thinks it's really sad I'm doing this all for attention. I've completely lost it, and she really needs to stay away from me because I'm sick in my head. Oh and I don't take care of my kids. They are just heathens doing whatever they want. Oh and I'm on the verge of getting fired and they have warned me several times and it's because I'm not doing my job and I call off all the time. (Funny thing is I never call off, I will get a shift covered if something comes up, but I actually just seen Rebecca at the store and she was laughing about how she called off to stick another girl there she didn't like with a bunch of work because her son got bullied at school) And she's apparently going t my bosses and saying these things. Hmmm...

I laughed. I think she was surprised, she was genuinely concerned when she came over. And I showed her the messages to Rebecca's husband when he got pissed off I wouldn't help him to do some shit anymore. And to Rebecca afterwards telling her that her husband was being an ass and she needed to tell him the truth about the drugs she was taking because he was getting pissed at me. Then my Nana walks downstairs, and I say hey Nana.... Yes? Haven't you been riding my ass about going to the doctor to have surgery because I have cancer and need to have a hysterectomy? .... Yes..? And hey, Nana.... Do I sleep on the couch downstairs every night because I got raped and can't sleep in my room anymore? ... Yes you do.. Why? ... Hey Nana, when it everything happened wasn't I pacing the floors everyday hyperventilating and having panic attacks and you wanted me to go to the hospital and I wouldn't? Yeah, Melissa why are you asking me this? One more Nana... Don't you hate that I sometimes talk to Benga because he broke my heart and it was horrible when he took everything away from me and I wanted to die? Yes.

Okay. I'm just asking because apparently Rebecca's mad I won't help her anymore and she's running around trying to get me fired, and saying I'm making up cancer, and being raped and I'm on drugs, and Rachael here was worried. I just wanted her to hear the truth from someone besides me so she knew I wasn't lying.

And Rachael, who knows her sister keeps telling me how fucked up it is she's going around and trying to ruin my life. I told her I'm not worried about it. I'm a hermit. I keep to myself. Go to work. Come home, be with my kids. I write in my blog and teach Sunday school. I don't go out. Occasionally to the beach bar. And mind my business. She asked why I wasn't more mad?...

For one, your sister has always been your sister. This doesn't surprise me. She's never changed. Rachael said but she's trying to ruin your life, her and Brian are running around telling people this.

Okay? I live by five rules. I teach them to the kids I mentor. (although if you have ever read my blog I don't have it down to a science, but the principles are the same, people can and do get under my skin) But if you can answer NO to any of these questions it's not worth it. You don't worry about it, think about it, put it into action.

1) Is it kind?
2) Is it true?
3) Does it stop you from waking up?
4) Does it change the world?
5) Is it any of your business.

Most things do not make it past question one. And then you don't have to answer the rest of the questions. And especially number 5. Because what other people think about you is none of your damn business. You shouldn't worry about it, because you can't change other people's minds only your own. And someone somewhere is always not going to like you. People come and go. Lives change, people change, you need to worry about looking yourself in the mirror every morning.

So when I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong. When I fuck up, I admit it. I apologize because even when I'm an ass, I'm an adult and in part, that means "Manning Up"

Everyone in life is a lesson or blessing. Yeah it sucks a lot of times. But learning is kinda awesome. It's why I write, I read, and think, and process, and analyze, and ponder, and explore, and research. I'm okay with me.

I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I'd much rather be a real hot mess than a really good liar painting a picture of my life that's only for show and tell and being really ugly on the inside.

I just realized that as I typed that.... I really would rather be a good person on the inside even as a hot mess outside, than vise versa. I'm totes cool with that.

I know good people. I know and love a woman with a soul just like mine. I know there are more than me. They might be few and far between, but you know what, I know they exist. So even though I get irate sometimes with the shitty people, I do have hope that we're out there. Hot mess Blessings.

Thank you Lord, for my Gloria one armed pirate stubborn best friend. She humbly and unknowingly has taught me about servitude. And thank you for my Nana, who even when I drive her nuts with the same stubbornness she has, rides my ass to have me take care of myself and loves me unconditionally.