Meeeeeeeee

I haven't written in days. I haven't even blogged in days. My brain says so many other things are way better. Sleep. The couch. Food. Painting my nails. Checking facebook relentlessly. I need my brain to work better right now. I need focus.

I got nothing.

I did reject five people yesterday. I'm just not in a place emotionally to try to date anyone. I think they are a distraction I can't really afford. I don't need help distracting me. They are all really nice people, don't get me wrong. 2 of them took it well, I'm not sure Mario did...

I don't have anything to give anyone else, I don't have enough for me yet. And the second I thought about turning on the switch to the vacancy sign, all of them started forming a line. I promised myself I wouldn't do it, I would work on me. I don't always want to be a hot mess. I want to have my shit together. It fucking sucks.

I am making headway with Ed being my friend again. I'm taking him out tomorrow, it's a non-date. We are just going to do things as friends. So I have some tricks up my sleeve. Hopefully we can get passed this. We seemed to do alright at work the other day when I took him. We did have another person with us that broke up the weird, it would of been weird to be weird considering everyone thinks we are just friends.

None of them knowing the better about us being scornful ex lovers. I'm hoping it will all be okay. In my head it will be. So im hoping that even though it's going to be raining tomorrow that I can get him to have a little fun... I told him to dress comfortable and warm as we would be in and outside.

Asked if he was allergic to anything I should know about... Nope..

Okay then my plans, even though it's raining should go off without a hitch. Lets hope we can have a few good laughs and a bomb ass time. I'm leaving the details out right now for the simple fact I don't want him to wonder casually in here and find them out... I like to be chalk full of surprises.. I hope it's not full blown thunderstorms though... it's the only thing that could fuck it all up.. Crossing my fingers.

Wish me luck yo.

All that shimmers in the End

So falling even more in love with Spotify by the second. I don't know why I haven't had it but for the last couple of months and then on top of that only just fucking with it.. but this girl is a happy chick today.

I finally heard back from the places beyond reach. He doesn't hate me. That should take some of the nerves off of the rest of my writing prerogative so I can focus.

Funny enough I thought about texting the one baby daddy yesterday knowing I was writing that chapter. He ended up on the phone with our daughter half the night. Drunk of course, but none the less, I was getting out of the shower and heard him on the phone, asked if his ears were ringing.

So crossing my fingers that I can finish this chapter today. I stopped after 13 pages yesterday, although I had submitted for hitrecord and heard back from one of the curators. So I always feel slightly accomplished when I at least push stories there.

My hands are freezing though. And even with my meds today I feel my focus slightly off. Although admitting to my doctor my meds trail off and I'm doing 5 hours and redbull on top of them did get him to agree (his suggestion) to up my dosage so that I stop with all the extra. So we're on our way to almost the correct dose, that I was on for ten years before I switched states. Stupid doctors not listening trying to fix everything... Asshats.

Also... my son was driven home yesterday by the school officer, who told me it wasn't his fault, he was getting bullied and a teacher jumped on the bus and took him off because he was yelling...

okay..

So I called today to figure out exactly who did what. This fucking teacher had some balls. Admittedly he took my kid off the bus and then got pissed when i asked him about his special ed training. He kept assuring me he had it and running in circles with his words offended. Ummm.. No. Answer the question... Pissed when I told him to me this is a two party system and while I'm not justifying what my son did, it's part of his diagnoses when he feels threatened. Told me I'm not taking responsibility.

To which I cut him off and explained I work in the school system and deal with a plethora of children whose parents don't give a damn at all and all go diagnosed and it's chaos on a daily basis. So while I'm inquiring about what the hell was going on, I am experienced, and my concern isn't just for my son as this was now the second time something on the bus has happened, and the bus driver herself needed training, and when dealing with children like him with multiple diagnoses that had he had a little patience it would of gone a long way. I asked if anything was done to reprimand the other student?

He asked what other student....

Oh wow.. he really had no idea what the hell was going on.

I explained there was a high school student making fun of him and bullying him. That's why he was yelling in the first place. And had he been properly listened to then he would of calmed down knowing he was being heard.

He had no idea. So again proving my point that he was acting irrational towards a student with a disability.

I asked him blatantly if he knew what Oppositional defiant disorder was. He said yes. And I again asked if he had any formal training in dealing with a child with this specific diagnoses and maintaining he has ADHD as well as PTSD.

He was so fucking offended it was funny keeping it real. And again running his mouth in circles defending his actions.

I cut him off and told him he wasn't actually answering the question. He irately said no he had no formal training but he's worked in the school system for 19 years and done a couple of conferences. 

Okay.. that is the answer. So you have zero mandatory training dealing with children with disabilities, to which I now get to presume neither do the bus drivers. Thank you for the actual answer.

Told him again, I'm not defending my son, but the concern, why he's getting momma bear protecting her cub, is the fact this isn't our first incident and the first time my son was actually assaulted and removed and nothing was done to the other child. So the bus driver is actually a big concern for me currently.

He calmed the fuck down. I let him know I would be in contact with the school special ed directer and thanked him for his time.

Being super real though, I work in an urban school setting and my kids go to white bread suburban america school.

Hug fucking difference. If you don't have the heart to work with kids in any circumstance maybe you shouldn't be teaching, especially if it requires you to exude patience. Give me a fucking break. And he's teaching at the same fucking school he attended. I went to school with the guy. Lmfao.

Urban school is 30 kids to a classroom with no supplies all fighting each other with no respect for adults. Parents using the school system as a  glorified babysitter.  Till you have half the class throwing shit at one another calling every one out don't talk to me about training.

Merica.

Hurting my own damn Feelings

Benga. Lord help me.

So honestly, I don't really creep on him. Haven't in a long time. It's taken me nearly 6 months to begin to feel human again. To start to heal. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I wanted to die. I was in love with him He never wanted me. He'd fuck with my head and be with me physically and then mentally say he wanted nothing. The last time I tried to date when we were still "best friends" That's when he was totally cool with me cheating. Calling me over.

He did a lot of shit for me. He was an amazing provider and hard worker. But we had a house filled with shit and no love. It was awful. So honestly, creeping on him isn't the brightest thing I could ever do. I avoid speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. Only the major things. He doesn't visit our dog. He doesn't check in on me. We have gone our separate ways. Not an easy thing to navigate after spending three years of your life with someone. But it did get fucking ugly.

He swore I was evil incarnate and I still just think he has no understanding of how he fucked with my head. Which keeping it real, fucked my head way up. No one has pissed me off the way he could in like a decade. He brought the worst out in me. We were awful to each other and for each other.

Doesn't make me love him any less. I always will. He's a piece of my life I will hate to cherish. Hes got the biggest heart and not the brain or common sense to navigate the world with it. And I miss him. Not so much that I would ever go back to that life, but in general, he was my very best friend for a long time. He knows the fragments of me that I don't. The ugly pieces he was always amazing at pointing out like he never had flaws.

So my son stole an old cell phone of mine, that I am now using for music. And his fb update pops up. Now I personally am not friends with him, it would rehash too many hurts, again it's best we avoid one another. But my dumbass looked.

I don't even know why. He looks good. He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life. He will never accept that, always blaming me for everything that happened. I take full responsibility for my wrong doings. I had plenty enough of my own that I'm not taking credit for his too.

Not a chapter I'm looking forward too at all. I'm near dreading that day.

Mr Hottie Police Officer

So I've been in my bubble all day. I decided I needed some cigarettes and a walk. So I put the headphones on and start my journey...

I'm walking through the park and an officer is out of the car, with the door open, and across the street. Now I have no idea what cop it is, we've had a bunch of new ones here. So I remove a side of my headphones and let them know the only reason they can get away with that is because of the town we live in. He starts walking up asking me to repeat myself.

I know this voice. As he's approaching I realize it's Jason. I'm pleasantly surprised because he quit our force a few years ago. With my son being a constant mess I've had my share of run ins with him. So we start talking... for 20 minutes catching up. He's talking to me about what he's up to in life, where he's been, how long he's been back, how often he's here, how much he's making here and at his other full time job. ... 🤔 strange but okay. And he's fucking hot.

So I'm chatting it up, highly interested. He's one of the good guys. And we keep up this nice little chat until another local pulls up and beckons his name out. Apparently all of us locals are happy he's back. I say goodbye and put my headphones back on and start my trail again. This time with a little extra pep in my step.

On the way back from the gas station... that he knew I was walking to because he asked what I was out doing... he pulls up in front of me at the fire station, gets out of the car and starts talking to me some more 🤔....

Way more brief this time. But he's eye fucking me. I can dig it. Really I can. So as I'm about to walk away he says something and slightly turns his head. I give him a good small eye fuck back and tell him goodnight. Go back to strutting my stuff to my music.

Hello.. yes please... wear the uniform too..

That was a nice break of my day. Perked me up some.

I keep dancing on my own

Ten pages total now. 3 for the previous chapter got completed before I rearranged my thoughts.

7  on the new chapter, which is nice because I know it'a only a part of the way done. Although, if  I'm keeping it real, isn't a very happy chapter to rehash either. None the less at least I can look at it third person and objectively. Important concept for my writing. My ass is starting to hurt though. I need to get a real work station. Sitting in front of the couch I sleep on every night at the laptop on the floor.

This is how I write. Occasionally getting up to smoke and stretch. I should be happy I got that much done, but honestly I'm thinking about how much I have to do. I know the next part of the piece is going to be a lot more than 7 more pages. He was a whirlwind. I got stories for days about him.

All of me just wants to text Ed and asks if he hates me. I think I'd only be adding fuel to the fire. Doesn't stop me from having to tell  my brain not to do something. I need to keep being distracted.

Working is helping. This song on repeat isn't though. And if I wasn't so in love with it, I could turn it off. It's what I fell asleep to last night.

I just had a comment for the story I submitted for the book from one of the curators. She said it was quite powerful. I lived it. I know. It's the ugly truth I wasn't afraid to look back on now. 

Dog days are over.

Getting there today. Started a new chapter because my heart isn't in the right place to be emotionally honest enough for the other one. Surprisingly actually. I usually have personal accountability down.

I will say in saying that though it's not easy to say certain things. The hard things that no one actually wants to say. The good, the bad, or the ugly. We all live in a constant state of denial for the most part. Being honest about them means we have to face ourselves. And I relish in life lessons. I often spend my time talking to the universe about the mishandling of my own life. Wisdom is a great teacher.

I used to pray for other gifts too. I prayed for patience for a long time until I realized that God doesn't sprinkle fairy dust. I wish it did. Really I do. But instead it gives you more opportunities to exhibit patience instead. So, knowing me, and that I would likely never step up to that plate, the best thing for everyone who was involved in any of those situations was actually to stop praying for things I wouldn't use.

Wisdom though, I use. I like being wise. It gives me a choice to use my own life experiences to do the world some justice by learning. I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with it, I'm happy to divulge in it. So as I am writing, I've moved passed the place where maybe I can be honest and say I'm not ready to go there, those two stories both may have to be the final chapters I write. Especially Ed's. I'm not sure that chapter has an ending. Even more so now than before. I don't know if we will live in a constant state of awkward forever, and how do I write something without a finish?

You can't. I need more details. I need more awareness before I strut into those pages blindly.
It's a lion and lamb story. And as Florence and the Machine plays in my headphones I'm making my peace with it as much as I can. Being resonate with it. I'll do what I can when I can. I just wish I knew his head space. That would make it a hell of a lot easier. I almost wish he would just tell me fuck me. That I can deal with perfectly fine. I'm a person in life that knows rejection like the back of my hand. I've destroyed enough people that I can handle hate. I know disorder. I know how to pretend everything is fine and smile in someone's face. Its the unknowing that kills me. That eats me alive at night now. Space, not just a place to shove stars but a place to keep all the misgivings of my putrid lovers gone astray.


The hollow place that's never full enough after I spent so much time full of myself.

I'll have to get used to discomfort again. The vast emptiness of my wrong doings. It's a sea of that I drown in often. It's a reason I hide now.

On a lighter note, I have submitted to hitrecord today. Which is an open outlet for the finesses of my brain. So moving forward...

I hope I can dye my hair soon. lol.

Big fish in the Pond

I am not going to procrastinate today. I wrote 5 pages yesterday. I will double that today. I have my face on, laundry going, headphones on, took my adderall, I will knock this chapter out today. And if I can't for any reason, I will redirect myself to my outline and just start another.

You know some ex's are fun or funny to write about... Maybe it's who I was during the time where I was involved with the both of them, but really, not much fun rehashing that shit actually. I thought the one would be easier that the other. Fuck fake cancer scarred me for life. But I think in the thick of it. they both did. They both had massive damage points. Regardless, I can't write a first person narrative non-fiction without those chapters. I need those chapters... it's part of the story. I really do hate fake cancer though. I should be bigger but really I'm not.

Paramore in background. I can bitch rock out to this shit. I have to get a hold of Bobby to see if we're still going out tonight. And I need to reschedule with River. hopefully if we decide to go goth out tonight I can convince her to meet me there instead. I need to get out more. I be in my feels way too much on my own, and not having other adults to have deep intellectual conversation leaves my brain to fuck with it's own matter.

Still favorite fun fact... Your brain named itself. Also I need to get a hold of the physicist to make our brain candy for other dimensions.  I need that vacation. I need to think about the giant picture instead of the box right in front of me I think it will most certainly help my writing anyways. Like immensely.

The scope of the entire atmosphere instead of small world small problems. 

I should be over all the butterflies

So I still didn't write anymore today. I need to. I don't know why my head space isn't there right now. I think this is what they refer to writers block. Maybe not though, it's all there, I just don't have the motivation to get it out.

I wish I knew how to be normal about the whole Ed thing. I wish even after I woke up sober and I was a dick today he would of said something. He attempted to be nice last night. I was still an ass. I'm not good at these people things. I want him to be cool yo. I want him to know me. I want him to want to want to know me. I want him to be the guy I apologized to. Who was lightweight excited to maybe know me again. I did miss him. I do just want to actually hug him. Hang out. Do something. Maybe even do nothing. Stare at a ceiling together and talk. Clear the air. I didn't really care. I just wanted to try. To get passed the weird. The hurt. The anger. The horrible between us. I wanted him to really know me. I never really showed him me before. And I thought we agreed we were older and wiser.

I thought that it meant we had an opportunity for a fresh start. Something brand new. That's why I just wanted to bypass the weird and get it out of the way. I just wanted to get it all out of the way so that when he looked at me I didn't see jaded. I hated myself for hurting him. The lingering pain devastates me. He was so awesome, even though he had faults. I don't blame him for his. I contributed. I had no idea how hurt he was about his marriage. We made jokes, I just thought he was morose like me.

I'm always dancing on my own.

His laugh is fantastic. His awkwardness, when he's not a jerk, is even nice too. I get it. I hurt him. I was self absorbed. I remember the last night we hung out. The night of the fight. He was drinking. He was always over zealous as a drunk. But I was sitting in chairs with Nick and he was standing talking to some of my mothers friends. Across the fire. He looked at me. His glasses were slipping down his face. I walked over and fixed them and gave him a kiss. I don't know if he remembers that. It was the last kiss we ever had.

There are these moments. Clear as day to me. I have my favorites. I have a lot of favorites. The day I met him. I see it like yesterday. The night at pride, I took his wallet, leaned my ass over the bar for maximum attention. I showed him off. I woke up in his car the next morning alone. I'm not sure what conspired after all the drinks. I went in my house and he was asleep on my couch. I guess I opened the door while driving and puked right in front of the police??

My birthday one year he bought me a set of disc's, took me to see the movie I had been obnoxiously waiting to see. Afterwards, we went for a drink at a bar a few miles from where I lived. We were the only ones in there. It was like nothing else in the world existed. And I know it's stupid, to hold on to these things like they just happened. Like nothing happened in between them. I know things did. But it's who I am. I hold tightly to good because it's so rare. He's rare.

The night his car battery died. We went up in Michigan to a farther course. A new one for me. Then he took me out to dinner. Famous Dave's. Then we were going to go for a drink. We did. and we started talking to this homeless guy in the parking lot. He dumped out some change for him. I think he referred to himself as hollywood. And we sat there talking with him forever. Listening to music. The battery died. We walked to the Park Inn and he got us a room. I was so afraid to be with him. So hesitant. He scared me so much. Saying it now is a hell of a lot easier than when we were there. We got up the next day and had breakfast in the hotel, and spent the majority of the day trying to figure out what was wrong with the car. I told him we needed a jump. After not listening to me and instead to his friend, who was wrong... eventually he got a jump and I was fucking hangry. I had been there all day. And I was right. The look on his face when the jump worked though. One of my favorites that stayed.

I still have pictures of us. Memories I couldn't bring myself to destroy. As if I could if I wanted to.

And now there is this. This awful. This I don't want feeling between us. He has always been head strong. And spiteful. His spite has always been destructive. I've always hated it. I can hardly even look him in his eyes. And I don't know if it's just because I'm still embarrassed about what happened. Or because I'm not nearly as hot. Because I hate the things that did go down. Because he did hurt me too. Or because I just have an instinct to tell him kind things. I want him to know all the wonderful things I think about him. He's not just a handful of past mistakes to me. So much more than that he's him.

The night he looked at me and told me he could love me. In his house, in his bed, we had just been out all day. He told me if I wanted him to, he could. I had prayed for someone to love me. (crying right now) My heart stopped. He saw me. I wasn't just nothing to him then. And now, I am.. just a nothing. And hindsight is 20/20 . Maybe in my life, in my story, I always figure it out too late. Maybe I don't ever get that kind of happy. Maybe it's never enough. Maybe we don't ever get to be friends again.

Perhaps there is always a lingering. An oddity of a feeling that doesn't pass. Because he can never trust me, or let that guard down again. Maybe he's always just an old lover. 5 years after I ask him out for the first time and I'm sitting here regretting every bit of the person I was that was too stupid to know. Who was too selfish and scared. With age comes wisdom, but what good is it to have all the knowledge in the world if you can't use it and apply it to life? I still don't think I could ever trust just anyone. Maybe I'm always too fucked up to love. I could really be doomed. Even after the first hang up between us. I was walking out of the doors at Pilot gas station. It was evening. I can remember the way the air felt on my skin. It was a little chilly. He was coming in as I was going out. Our eyes locked immediately. It was like no time had passed at all. It had been a year. A week before that I was swearing to the Universe I was ready for love. Swearing it again to her, my god was I wrong. But I didn't see him and that moment and think about any of the bad that had happened. It was like I was looking at my best friend. My soul lit up with excitement.

He always tried to make up for his wrong doings too. I know that. I don't think they were something he could buy his way back from. I think it was just something we needed time for. I don't know if that's he case now. I know I fucking think all this sucks. It sucks just wanting to have this piece of a person you knew and having it be estranged. I've slept next to him. He knows my family. I want to hug him. Have whole conversations. And I feel him hesitate. And I don't blame him. Really honestly I don't. That doesn't make it hurt any less.


Maybe even makes it hurt more. To know how bad I can mess some things up. And there isn't a golden opportunity to make any of it better. In fact, I'm pretty sure with all my anxiety about it all it's only cementing in him why he shouldn't. I am my own worst enemy.  I missed him. He was more than a lover. He was my friend. That's why it hurt so bad every time he left. Every time he did these things to make me go away too. Three years is a long time to be mad at someone. I hate that we hated each other. He used to make me smile.

I'm sitting here crying hating myself for hating him. Lord knows we both fucked up. Is it always too late? How is he so cosmically intertwined in my life if that's all?

I know I'm in a rush to get passed this because I have no tomorrow guarantee and I know that's not his fault. But I don't want to waste anymore of my life bitter and broken. Not saying the important things. Not caring when I have all the ability to in the world now. Life is short, too short not to give it my all. I can still smell him sometimes.

I know I'm the queen of strange. Maybe in another parallel dimension we got it right. Maybe just not this time in this life. I'm sorry.

3 times....

I've been asked out 3 times this week.

Mostly I don't think I still have that.. je ne sais quoi

But maybe I still have it...

I didn't lose it in the war of 42 lmfao.

Poly couples love me. The are never intimidated by me at all. I can dig it.

This is the gospel

So I've written 5 pages. That's a great start, considering I've walked away and been distracted the whole day. I left and got some squares. Chain smoking cancer patient. At least I have my humor. I find me funny.

I think Bobby and I are going to goth night tomorrow. I may have River meet me there. Get all dolled up with Bobby and rock the fuck out. I need a chic to make-out with anyways. And a ride home so I can lose control. Safely. He wanted to go last night but we both were already drunk so a little too late.

My uterus hurts today. My brain hurts more. My soul is uneasy today. Still pissed of about Eddie... Like seriously... Why tell me you'd like to get reintroduced to me and then act funny? I'm can be a bitch tired but I'm not like that. Purposely trying to pick a fight. I unfriended him on facebook. I'm sure he could care less. I don't need the shit. I don't need to see his little green online light. I don't need to fucking talk  to him. I hate everything to do with the oddness. Keep it real. Don't act like I'm a fucking weirdo.. I was nice to him. I was fucking in love with the dude at one point.

It only gets weirder for me. Welcome to the life of Melissa. The limbo that lays out the boundaries of life.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me I tried to be his friend? Like in my head I really made a grown distinction like we're both adults, we can do this. And not only did I say that, I was excited about it. I'm going to be pissed off at myself about this all week and have to pretend not to be mad when I actually see him on Saturday. Avoid avoid avoid. I'm the queen of that. I imagine he won't say shit to me anyways. I can't see why he would at this point.

So glad I had to break down my life story for you to be even a little nice to me. Fuck that, I still don't sympathy and I don't want it either.

I'm a girl with adventure built into my soul. A love that surpasses time. A will to want to do good. And a an energy that is a habitual line stepper.

I just desire someone to keep up. I'm not sure why no one can. It sucks. I thought he could. I though he was decent. I'm not sorry for apologizing to him, because exactly what I told him, I have to look at me in the morning, and I need to like me, I have no guarantee of tomorrow.

This guy from high school is texting me right now. I think he was complimenting me. I made a post while I was drunk last night about how I scare boys. Referring to Ed. And he commented how I always did. I told him I calmed down a lot. He said that doesn't sound good. That's when he dmed me..

Let me know he was always found me intriguing and intimidated by me.. Thanks? My fucking whole life I think it sums my relationships up pretty well. Men.. weak fucking creatures.

I want balls to the wall still. Especially sexually. I need someone who can handle my inner masochist. Surprisingly hard these days. I need someone who can grab me by my throat and throw me on a bed and take me, and have a enough of a beast in them I allow them to ballgag me and put me in a corner and let them degrade me. I need to be spat on. Called names. No one has the balls to do these things anymore. They are all so boring. Maybe its why I've been celibate so fucking long. My own longing to trust another human. Neal ruined me in that way. Even though I hate his fucking guts he's still top one. I need someone who is equally as filthy. I thought Ed might have it in him. I doubt it now. Maybe this is why I'm craving a woman so much. If I can't get it done to me I'll do it to them. Also a sadist in a switch hit way. Very rarely do I go hardcore on a man. I don't think I would respect them again after. But a woman.. I just assume she likes it like me and in that way I can take the reins and have control. I like it. We as women are in control of so many things it's nice to forget them. It's a release. Men rally are weak.


They just can't handle my fucking honesty. I don't need to sugarcoat shit. I don't need any fucking propaganda. Just be real. Which is the hardest thing for people to do anyways. I only can be one me. Who I am today very well might not be who I was yesterday or last week. Sure in hell isn't who i was years ago. I'm controlled chaos.

I'm fucking epic. I need epic back. Clearly I may be doomed to be alone forever. That or I'm just going to start fucking the roadies I see in these shows. There has been a couple good ones I've noticed. I can fuck them and dump them easy. Even Seaseme St had some hot fucking carpenters. One had a melting Dali clock.... mmmmmmmm

I need dirty men.. who aren't afraid to be fucking manly. Gross tired, exhausted men that just need to let their beasts out. It could just be the sex addict in me talking.

I chose writing

My brain hasn't been able to get shit out since I started talking to him anyways, I need to focus. And you know honestly I think I need to get his chapter out anyways. Maybe I stopped writing because I wasn't sure how I was going to end it. I think I have a much better understanding now. I think it's obvious.

I'm not going to keep doing this to myself. I need to get the bad ones out with equal measures as my fun ones.

Bobby btw.. only guy friend/ex that really just lets me be me. Who I can call and say hold me and he's in. And then say let's listen to some Sinatra I'm in a mood and end up on System of a Down. And end up being my own one man band party all night. He just kept refilling my wine glass. We laugh because we either get along and it's wonderful or once every couple of years we have a knock out drag out fight and it's awful. But then we miss one another and kiss and make up. Oddly enough, we can do all that, but I haven't slept with him in years. I think we have a mutual understanding on how the other's brain operates. Like we're both manic depressive people who are over eccentric and lively. Our friendship works both ways. It's a nice balance. Being fucked up in the head and still loved.


For the most part I think my own IQ is my own worst enemy. It was fine when I was on drugs and self destructive, but now that I keep to myself and don't numb the shit, all it does is work. And I'm big on problem solving..  I think that's what gets me in the most trouble. I just want everything to be fixed. Well working. Clearly the exact opposite happens. Fun... My head hurts from the wine last night.

Still it's a metal day and the headphones are on. I'm full of angst.

Love me or leave me alone

Two bottles of wine will throw some courage in me.. good or stupid. I may have (I did) ran my mouth off a little too much.

You know honestly.. I did fucking care of he liked me or not, but he was a super douche yesterday. I'm a love me or leave me a lone kind of girl. So when he decided to be a dick after I was just trying to be his fucking friend... It was my fuck it mentality that got the upper hand...

I may have just told him about me to a degree where he would understand. Like I'm a nice person, but I will still go the fuck off.  Jesus, it's not like he was perfect. Attractive, not nearly perfect. So after that much wine.. and putting Bobby to bed, I kinda just let rage Melissa out. I snapped. And then I went to bed.

I woke up to a much more pleasant message from him. Explaining there are a lot bigger assholes in this business than him, and he's sleep deprived and that's why he keeps to himself and if I like the job it's not like we actually work together, we're in different departments so I can climb any ladder I want too.

1) I didn't and don't care if other people I work with are assholes. I did care if he was because I was trying to be his friend. So I have way less patience with him and our situation than I do 3rd party bystanders. And obviously I work in another department. Smh...

2) Don't fucking judge me unless you know me. I think what really set me off last night was when I asked if he preferred shallow me... And he said something stupid like I don't know only time will tell.. officially I think that is what pissed me off. Leave it to my brain to get pissed at some retarded shit like that. He didn't know me then. He had empty laughs from a shell of a girl that had a crush on him and was mean and awful and only cared about herself and was terrified to be loved. I feel sorry for him because of that girl. I feel sorry for every person that girl ever knew. She was sexy.. That's it.

It was asking to much to be his friend I get that now. I feel like retarded for even trying. He was an asshole before. I kindly reminded him of that, even told him sorry he was a bigger person than me about the whole thing but just because I'm nicer now doesn't mean I don't have a mouth and won't stand up for myself. Reminding him of his transgressions and filling him in maybe why I was  so hollow with mine. He wasn't fucking perfect. And I've spent three years regretting what I've done.

I thought if this guy's caliber was this high, he completely fits into the small closed circle. I want to cry.

I am crying now. I feel like I wait my whole life to see these glimpses of people I have hope in and then they go out of their way to just fucking ruin it.

Made sure he knew we don't even have to pretend to be friends... we basically don't anyways. Let him know if my presence was an issue I would remove it. It's what the fuck ever to me.

I don't care about the job. I cared about him and now I'm really... retarded is the best word for the scenario. Sorry I tried.

2 bottles of wine... and my previous character to possibly be adorned more... That's my limit.

Home Today

I'm home today minus the fact I went to the grocery store. I am irritated as fuck. 1) I hate being empathetic and picking up on other people's emotions. Negative emotions from others put me in a foul fucking mood today.

I hate gross vibes. This is why I shut myself away from the world. I don't need asshat people sucking  my good energy out. I was in an extremely good mood when I got up. I was excited about yesterday. I got a great workout in. I was happy... I should have never text him. I have the perfect fucking meme for that too. Uggghhh I realize I only pissed myself off doing it. I'm kinda mad at him now. I even told him if he doesn't want me working with him I would stop.

Like why spend last night telling me to learn a bunch of shit and then basically say I'm not going to work... Why bother saying anything to me at all? Who the fuck does that? I go to work, I work hard, I have to in the field anyways just because I'm a woman, but more so than that, I appreciate what the fuck he did for me and I don't want him to look like an ass because of me. I want him to feel good about getting me the job, and the harder I work, the more work I can get, the more work I can get the money I can pay him back. Trying to be beneficial to both of us. And he was a total kinda jerk today.

Sorry I wanted to talk to you.. Sorry I wanted to make you laugh.. Sorry I don't talk to you at work and I'm trying to be your fucking friend. I feel like a tool for trying in the first place.  I hate when my brain can't discern the the meanderings of what is going on. Does he hate me? Does he like me?

Can't figure it out. And you know up until today I thought it was mostly cute actually. The whole staring at work thing. And then he would be typing to me, and it would take forever to spit out one sentence like he couldn't figure out what to say... and then it would be something about work... Like he wanted me to do good at the job, and now today...??? Today it was just him kinda douchey.

He did tell me he doesn't mind working with me after I told him I would stop if he didn't want me there, that everyone seemed to like me and how hard I work. Great.... I don't care about those people... I care what you think.. I care about giving you back your money. It's already weird as shit. I don't know anyone. I have no friends... I'm quiet and reclusive anyways...

And it's not like it's a hey Melissa when he gets there... I got a hey twice... usually it's fucking weird.. once a half a hug.... if anything at all... He's come in and said nothing to me.. especially not even a goodbye, not even once.... I thought friends said hello and goodbye...

We've had sex before. I've seen you naked. Drunk. Assholed up. Jealous. For Christs sake.. you fucked the strippers at my brothers bachelor party. You've literally lost your shit at my mothers house after you invited yourself to a party and got pissed off you treated me like property because I got robbed at gunpoint with your shit. And I didn't want to sleep in the same tent as you because you were sloppy drunk. Not that it was nice for me to try and stay in my best friends tent at the time, and I did have a crush on him, but I didn't ever do anything with him. He ended up being a tool too. But, keeping it really real... He ruined my birthday the first incident.  Promised to take me kayaking and we were going to go disc golfing. He did stunt one a week before my birthday, that I always avoid because bad shit always happens.. and he knew that... and that's what he did a week before. And then text me as if nothing happened.. are we still on?

No.. no we are not. He fucking hurt me too. Like a lot. I was fucking head over heels for the dude, left the guy I was with twice... the same guy twice... for him. Twice. And that hurt too... Not to mention when we did make up again, the second time... I was out with him and took him to the bar where the first dude was at just to rub him in his face. I was fucking smitten with Ed. I was proud of him. Things that made me disappear and hate him until I had the balls to suck this all up.

Do I think about trying to make amends? Yes. of course I do. I spent a lot of time regretting what happened between us. I fantasize about him? My kids adored him?? I brought him around my kids in the first place. Which I don't know if guys understand how big of a deal that is.. it's a big fucking deal... He with equal measure hurt me too. And I want to suck it all up, make him look good for getting me  job and get over this awkward place we're both in...

I've spent the last week in my head trying to plot conversations to invite him to dinner, or cook him dinner, or buy him a drink, just as friends... so we could get over this awkward text/work thing. So we both could be normal and I could say thank you.. and we could have real conversation. Seriously a week trying to figure out how to ask him... Clearly I can't ask him to hangout now. He works a ton and is clearly fucking grumpy.. He told me he doesn't do anything when he does have alone time...
Sorry for ever thinking about that idea.... Shoot me.

I just wanted to get over the weirdness. I just wanted to be able to make him laugh. I really do just want to make him laugh. He's too serious now. I'm serious but I'm not even close to his amount. He needs a fucking bubble bath and a mimosa delivered by puppies. Like a lot of puppies.

I need a fucking xanex. I need to stab myself in the face.

Grrrrr

I hate indecisiveness like with a passion. One day he's nice to me.. the next he's not... just fucking pick one and stick with it.

And this really has fucked my writing mojo, I haven't wrote anything for the book or hitrecord in two weeks. I've been working the last couple of days and blogging just fine but I can't focus. That pisses me off. And I woke up in a great mood. He irked me. I get that he's tired... but uuuuggghhhh I just don' know what to fucking think.

The only interesting

Yesterday was a great day. Worked my ass off and was able to sleep nearly 12 hours. I cant remember the last time that actually happened was. Real REM sleep. Although I did jut dream about work. And Hobo Johnson. I was setting up his show, and he actually knew who I was, and there were these crazy parking garages that washed your car when they put it away for you? I have no understanding of how my own brain operates.

At work yesterday getting it in, one guy was really rude to me in the beginning and then he warmed up and had me kept helping him do things. That was nice, going from asshole to nice. Another guy (very male dominated field) started a conversation with me about how he noticed how hard I was working, in fact he notices all the females go way harder than the men. I noticed that too, men can get away with being slackers, they have jokes, the second a woman would do that in there someone would immediately know. We already have to do twice the work to able to stay in the game. I've worked in male dominated jobs before, I'm used to having to prove it. I like when I get in shape and run circles around them though. I don't really mind it. Most guys are jerks until you prove yourself, that you're not just expecting them to do the work for you that you're willing to jump in and do it yourself. One guy who was also a little but of a dick the last couple days looked at me and said, Well, you seem to be doing really good only doing this for a couple of days... Thanks... This are big words for little men to eat. I like that.

I was in the middle of working my ass off though and glanced up and found Ed staring at me. I'd say it was odd but I wasn't really surprised. I'm big on vibes, his speak massively. I don't really speak to him at work at all. It's an awkward situation in general. I think I weird him out now and he doesn't know how to take me. I went from being this ass fuck of a human to someone who says nice things to him and tries to have actual conversation outside of work. I think he may of preferred old me. I don't know what to think about that either. I just keep trying to reassure him that I'm just nicer and quieter.

I will say this though.. I'm a recovering sex addict, who has worked in male dominated fields. Who had a reputation of being a "man eater". In that, socially speaking, I pick up on body language like it's my job, social cues, and women interestingly enough scientifically are much smarter when it comes to those things anyway. They did an MRI study and showed men and women pictures of body language and 5 parts of the men's brain lit up when showed pictures, and then 18 parts of a woman's brain does. So we notice every flinch of an eye, every novice detail that helps us being aware of the signals men send. On top of that fucking like it was my job running through men I'm highly aware of vibrations and deeper thinking. He wasn't undressing me with his eyes or anything, but he was deep in thought about me. Like deep thought.  Which makes me wonder what he is thinking about me... Is he stuck in a deep oasis of thinking about how awesome I am now...?? Or he perplexed by me... the look on his face says perplexed and trying to figure me out.

That would be a waste of his time. No one can figure me out. All they have to do is ask though. I have a endless space of thought in my brain. It's much better from the horses mouth than it is driving yourself nuts trying to get me.

I'm actually complexly simple. What I refer to ask a paradox wrapped in an enigma. I want good. I want to cuddle and be affectionate, and have horrible sexual urges, but I really just try to be a good person. And I'm a hot mess.

The look on his face though... I still being the ass of a human I am called him out on it after work. I make myself chuckle..?? I told him not to stare at me at work because it's fucking weird yo...

He said he has a staring problem and sometimes he can stare at nothing at all.. OK..... (eyes rolled) I spend my time quietly analyzing people.. All day everyday. I tried to be as pleasant as possible and let him know I'm really not that strange. I'm still me. While he doesn't know me, he does know pieces of me. I would still like the cliff notes on why he's back in my life. Hes a good dude. Told me he's pretty reclusive now. I'm sure he really doesn't know how to approach our situation either. It is a weird one. And I'm super quiet at work. I do take my adderall beforehand though. So it quiets my ADHD anyways. And he's never worked with me before. So while he's running around telling everyone I'm a hard worker, he actually had no idea. I'm happy that I can prove him right though.

He told his roommate we dated. I hope his roommate doesn't have a big mouth. I don't want everyone else knowing my business. Being new girl sucks anyways. I wouldn't want to throw in questions like.. Oh you used to date Eddie?

I am the only person I know that doesn't call him that. He's Ed. While he is hilarious and such, a I said before he used to be a party in a person, he's always been Ed to me. I used to introduce him as that and he would correct me. It never stopped me. I think it's his way of being young at heart. It's cute, but I'm still always calling him Ed. He's not the same person to me as he is to everyone else anyways. Everyone else can have that Ed. I like the one I get. Especially now, hes like a shy school girl who does't know how to approach me. It's half adorable half odd. I can dig it.

I dunno.. for today.. and everyday.. only time can tell...

New day

I am so in awe of the love that surrounds me on a daily basis. Yes I'm a fuck up, constantly a hot mess of a human being, and frankly I need a love so appealing that I forget me in it.

Talking with Ed last night trying to explain why I am a Christian, I think it went over his head. He told me.. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Being a martyr for love, does honestly. It gives me purpose, and I don't care what you call God or what your belief system is, I care that the message you get from it s to love others. That's the important thing. I think he likely thinks I'm dumb for believing in a higher power because to most people it means that I believe I'm right and you're wrong. And for most people that's true.

Not me. Not at all. I assume we're all wrong and all right. We can only see what's directly in front of us but my ego isn't so large by any means that it could discredit the possibilities of everything being possible. The only way for me to believe is in fact that in the first place. I can't put limits on God, or how the universe interacts with others. It's not only not my place, but not in my heart. We are each here cosmically for some purpose and mine isn't to detest other humans. To be "right".

I want everyone to be successful. I want everyone to be loved, and flawed, and accepting, and by some grand design I'm here with that core belief that everything is possible. Everyone can be right. Everyone can be certain to.

Who would we be if the universe at the same time in the same place showed everyone the same things? We would be boring. And inhospitable. There would be nothing magical about everyday life. It would be a check list we were running through to get to the end of our life.

I woke up and what I can only call Gods intervention went to church. I had planned on it but working hard labor the last couple of days my body is sore, and I was tired and running on pretty minimal sleep. I set the alarm anyway. I was convinced going to bed so late I may just miss it. But I was sick last week and didn't teach my classroom either and I missed the week before.

My son walks down the stairs. I don't remember the last time I seen this kid up so early in the morning when he didn't have to be. I was laying on the couch and pretending not to hear him hoping he would be silent and I could fall back asleep. No, he hands my shirt and said here's your Soma shirt mom. And then I hear more movement.. And I'm trying to get him to be quiet and I'm cranky and finally I get up. And I asked my Nana to go to church with me, usually when this happens she'll not go and sleep in. She gets up and gets ready too.

So we get there and we're at the beginning of a series called "Neighbors". We're also short childcare workers and I was offering to help and my team leader Hannah whom I adore is refusing to let me. She said we're short, but not you.... you go to service, you need to be in there, and you help enough all the time. Go to service. .... Okay.

My favorite songs during worship. And the message... something I wholeheartedly believe. Non Christians are better at proving God's love than we are. They are so right that we are so hypocritical and self-riotous and damning everyone else to hell. It's something I hate about the church and the stigma of being a "Christian" and while God desires to have a relationship with us because he loves us, we prove our love and our relationship with him by loving those around us. And not just the people we want to love, exactly the opposite. Because when you're wrecked by his love, living in that kind of light he is going to take you some weird places, and meeting some people and doing things that on your own you wouldn't. And it's so true... and I'm going to go full circle here.

Ed. I had a lot of hate in my heart for him, I knew he was good to me, but I was bitter and resentful too. I did think about him a lot, wondering how much he hated me, or even something as simple as I wonder what he's up to. I mean we were awful to each other. And Ny'lle actually brought him up a couple weeks ago. And I said something mean actually. After that when I was writing and getting our story out... something that had pressed against my heart hurt. God/he Universe telling me I needed to apologize, I needed to do it then. I had to say I'm sorry. I did him wrong. I needed personal accountability regardless of how he feels. And when I said that mean thing to my daughter about him, I wasn't right. So, and only God knows how much pride I have and had to actually swallow to get that apology out, but I found obedience in strange things is well worth it. So I did. And when I say I felt physical pain in my heart, I felt it like it was a wound I buried and hid away and forgot was there, and then it didn't exist because I hadn't acknowledged it came flooding to the surface. Ouch. It just didn't go away. It planted itself deeply in me and was causing all kinds of other disturbances I hadn't been accountable for. And it wasn't just from Ed but a plethora of people and me reenacting that hurt causing more hurt. My pain in life had become a maze of domino's and I had just been lying to myself.

But Ed... even though not sharing the same belief system as me took my apology and gave me something better. Not only a job, but forgiveness. He accepted me and my mortal self  and he didn't boast or brag or freak out, he healed. He put a barrier that stopped anymore domino's from falling. He gave me a piece of myself back. And Ed and I have never agreed religiously. I don't think it's anything I was adamant about even. Because possibilities have always meant more. But to me what he did cemented my core beliefs.

For me 1. Trusting what God wanted me to do even when I didn't want to do it, was not only a invaluable to the love he has for me, but the love he wants me to share with the world regardless of who you are or what you do.

2) Broken people break people. You are very much what you put into the world. And I want to be the coffee. I don't want life to make me hard or soft, but I want to be life changing. And while I'm not null to the fact I live a privileged life here where I live, I do have a love for humanity that crosses oceans.

When I told my daughter Ed was the one who got me the new job, she said, but I thought we didn't like him? And then I felt even more horrible than I did before and had to say it again. I had to admit to my 11 year old (happens ore than you think) that I was dead wrong. I told her after she brought him up I apologized, because I did bad things to him to, but I didn't want that to be who I was so I needed to take responsibility. I was the one in  the wrong. She looks at me with new eyes and an understanding that all humans are flawed. She also asked how he was and said I should date him. I told her I didn't think that would happen again but for now we're friends

I tried to tell Ed about me some last night. He did know a shell of a human before. And it's sad to me, but he did like her too. But I want him to know the things I like about me and the person I am now because at any moment, these are the things I would want my legacy to be. I hope everyone can get some laughs out of my struggles, maybe some lessons too. I hope they don't feel alone in their battles simply because I've had to face so many they can know mine and not feel alone.

But what I on Earth for. What I want to be my grand masterpiece, the love I have in me still after all of those battles. The hope I had that survive me. I didn't stop, I didn't wither all the way, and even when I did wither most of it, and hid in the dark to hide, I just waited on the Son.

I cried like a baby during church. I got my cup filled. I needed that spiritually. God pushed and pushed and he gave me what he knew I needed today. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that no matter how much of a wreck I am, the universe/God/Christ/Buddha/Trees whatever is out there looking out for me, never gets tired of teaching me and affirming in me all the conversations we have when we're alone together. It's fucking magical. 

A sea of bodies in tight pants

Setting up the show today while the ex is standing next to me looking at the stage my imagination flashed to orgies.

I need help. I need sex. I need to get laid. I need to maybe just masturbate. Or slam my face into a brick wall to get my brain to shut up. Or people need to start paying me for porn ideas. I can start a whole new nitch. Up in the rafters, harnessed up, spread over beams a hundred feet in the air.... And the audio guy today was like dirty hot. Like septum piercing and grudge, sweaty dirty longer hair... He could get it.

My imagination is killing me daily. I don't think it's normal for anyone to think about sex as much as me. Or to the degree of filth that I do. And I think this is why I don't talk to people anymore. I asked Ed if he ever spit on anyone from way up there, he said he may sweat...

My brain was all... hot. Fucking hot... Instant porn scene played out about being spat on and sweated over....  I need Jesus.

Strange thing today as I was talking to Ed, we were making gay jokes and I said something about liking women, something I don't think I have ever told him before. Like no detail coming out about that part of my life before and he was certain of it. Like he had firsthand knowledge of knowing... it was weird. 

I mean I take no issue with it, but I'm curious as to how he knows that. People are people I find them all enjoyable, I don't like the stigma of labels about it. I like humans. But how if I never shared that with him would he know that?

I mean I'm more than happy to share... vagina... with him... perhaps someone else's and my own...

That could be fun... He could get on that page with me.

And River texting me hot ass pictures of her... Like dolled up in costume.... That doesn't help my urges. Demons raging in me.

My brain just wants me to get nailed and plowed from behind with my hair in someone's hands. I want dirty dirty sex.

Save me from my brain someone.

It's true

While I'm up this early getting ready for work I have this feeling lingering and I'm not a fan.

Why do guys only really get into hot vapid girls? I noticed it with Benga, who was madly in love with me for years, but then I wasn't a hot mess anymore, I went to work and took care of my kids and him and being emotionally attached, and not just a fuck, he didn't want me in that way.. He wasn't interested in having something normal.

Are looks more valuable than substance? When I was a man eater and plowed my way through men and relationships everyone had time for me, is it a fact of life?

I have no doubt if I work this job I'll be back to old me in no time, that's not the issue, the issue is why is finding a guy who is interested in the good things such a spectacle of a thing to do? Why when I grew the fuck up did I become a leaper?

Was is always cool to be unkind? I was so full of myself then. Emotionally detached. Hot. Not giving a damn about anything but my own self serving interests, and I was a horrible human being. Fucking my way through an endless sea of bodies. Date and dates, and dates, and dates.

Now that I'm older, I want substance. I still need adventure, but frankly substance is far more interesting to me.

I hate lingering feelings. 

And in the end....

I came clean to Sir Ed and just asked him why he was nice to me. He said he didn't know. I spoke to him exactly when they needed people at his job and he figured why not.

I don't expect anything from him. Not even kindness. I have a total of 2 friends. One who's husband has severe brain cancer, and an 80 year old woman who is a shut in.

I am a recovering sex addict with cancer. I'm a social pariah. No one wants to be my friend. I want to be his friend though, just to show him how great he is. He in that one moment of kindness gave me something no one else had. Except my dad. He doesn't know I have cancer. He doesn't know anything about me really. He knows I'm a girl who abused his heart, and basically ripped him off after I got robbed and we got into a giant fight. The last we spoke.  He's definitely allowed to be reluctant. And as he said lets just start off trying to have a working friendship. I was going to go out of my way to do that anyway. I'm perplexed by him. Vastly perplexed.

I want to cry about this. I don't know if it's because I'm exhausted and need sleep, or because of the way bigger implications.

1. I fucked up possibly the only relationship in my life that would of been worth a damn, and that fucking sucks all by itself.

2. He gave me a piece of me I have been missing for a long time. Unknowingly. And when I type that the tears are forming. I really didn't think I was capable of seeing this in another man in my lifetime. I've been not me for a long time. Narcissistic relationships taking their toll on me more than I ever knew apparently. And I only caring about myself. I remember times giving so much of me to men I had nothing left. So scorn by those feelings I didn't want  to give anymore of me in that way. An innocence of kindness gone I didn't take responsibility for in my hurt, and punished not only him but many men for.


After I was robbed, after he was gone it changed my life. I really did grow the fuck up a lot. I just didn't want to be the kind of person that could do that to another human being. So instead of being mad, I started praying for the people who did it to me. Wishing and hoping they had a family they had to take care and needed to do it. And deciding to flourish the earth with random acts of kindness whenever I could. To be the coffee.

And while Ed doesn't know me anymore, and very hesitant to anyway, I really do just want to not only pay him the money that was stolen from me, but repay him for the bigger gift he gave me, he in that moment became a tight stitch in a gaping wound.. I don't know if it's because I always think I'm dying and my hysterectomy consult isn't for a couple more weeks, and when you're sick you have a different outlook on life. Or because he literally embodied the change I want to see in the world, but I just want to thank him. And while words are powerful, I stumble on mine.  I'm a fumbling idiot.

And he is attractive, and I do daydream, I know it's very unlikely that he would ever give me the chance again anyways. And that's okay. It sucks, but I do understand. But that doesn't make me want to not want to woo him with kindness any less. I want him to know the real me. The person he doesn't know. I was fun and attractive before, I'm sure that was engaging. But I was a shitty human.

Now not so attractive, and he's bitter about our past. I am a good person, who is extremely flawed and working on getting it together. Who mentors and works with kids. And helps take care of her Nana. And rescues animals. And stopped eating them to make the planet safer for everyone. The kind of person who cares about carbon emissions, and dreams of bees being safe. And loves space and the universe. And the kind of person who would rather be hurt by him than to ever hurt him again. I want him to know that he could have the shirt off my back, even if he hates me forever. I'm not a party animal, I'm a homebody now. I hang out with my kids and drive them nuts. I may not be nearly as hot, but I think I'm a lot better person now.

He said the boss is impressed by my work ethic. I'm glad, I am a hard worker, and I like the job. It sucks being weird and new. Even more so with your awkward relationship ex right by. He said I might not work for a couple of weeks. I will follow up every week twice a week. I need dollars.

He didn't have to speak up for me. To try to link me up with other employees who get work regularly and say nice things about me. He didn't have to put in an extra good word in with the boss to help. He doesn't even have to attempt to talk to me while I'm there... I'm just so confused by this all...

Good dayzzz

New job rocks. I'm about to be in for the second half. Then have a spot tomorrow.

I like being a roadie... reminds me of hanging out with all my boys at Menards. Getting some manual labor in. And getting dollars to do It? Hell yeah.

Ed was nice and normal. My brain be tripping for nothing. It was nice seeing him today. And he gets the super fun job.. I wanna do that shit too.

This girl misses being harnessed up in the air real high. That's my shit.

And while I got no writing done today what so ever.. it was a good day none the less.

Talked to River, who told me she was married and poly. Doesn't bother me, but not necessarily getting down with hubby. I mean it's fine they have an open relationship, but I'll definitely feel her out first. I let her know I'm casually dating and if becomes an issue for me then I'll speak up. It's the truth. But she is crazy hot and talented.

Talked with Brandy... who told me to not relight my old cigarette with Ed. A re-lit cigarette never tastes the same. I appreciate the advice, I'm sure him and I need to be friends before anything anyways... but I'm not ruling out... at least on my end anything. I'm also not expecting anything either. I'm just going to let it play out. He is a good guy. And it's different nice now that I'm old enough to maybe appreciate that, and am not emotionally invested anywhere else. I think that plays a big role.

I do wish the rest of this sick would hurry up and get out of me though... I'm over being sick right now. It's been two weeks. It is finally starting to get better though.

Wish me luck...

Grow the fuck up me

I went and filled out all the paperwork for new job. It will be sporadic work so I'll have to maintain current job status as well

Hopefully it can lead to me leaving the serving industry and possible long term implications.

Talked with Ed. He keeps telling me to relax. I let him know I wasn't worried about the work, just about seeing him, and the very discouraging look he has burnt into my soul with his face and that's what I'm afraid of.

I really can't bare that look in him anymore. I think admitting that to him though he got a good chuckle out of, and it's going to be okay.

Mario asked me to go to a haunted house. I need more details. I'm not sure if it's a date because we did just do the whole sexting thing... And we do get along great.... Or just because I'm fun... I could believe it's either.

And River... Still nearly daily checking on me, and she really is adorable. Can't wait for our date, but I don't know if I can not have sex with her. She told me she's a squirter if you know what you're doing... I'm a woman... of course I know what I'm doing... And she's super artistic and creative...

In my head I wonder if I can just convince everyone to join into a giant poly situation where I'm the main squeeze, an they can see one another too, not without me, I just need to be the main focus.

This is why I wonder if I'm ready for dating yet. Giant orgies played out in head and me getting everything I want in life are what circle my brain. Melissa's secret life previous sex addiction may becoming unraveled.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I wonder too if that's my bigger fear. Hurting Ed again. I hate myself for doing it before. And I know he's single. And when we talked after 3 whole years I think we both agreed we grew up a lot. And he did say he'd like to reintroduce himself... I'm not sure what these things mean.... I'm a weirdo but I do say whatever I'm thinking, there is no room for discernment. There is no vague in my vocabulary. It is what it is. Creep or not. Does that mean he may want to date again?

Ed does really have a lot of really great qualities. Seriously, biggest heart, and funny, and loves the spotlight, tall, handsome, older, goofball. He's active and loves music and the outdoors. He's a party in a person. Although, I'd be happy if he calmed down a little. Ed's affectionate too. Huge animal lover, like equal to me, except he still eats them. My brain doesn't stop but in my defense, I've been pent up a long time. And my mind is a minefield of sexual frustration.

I haven't written for my book since I talked to him. Like I fucked up my whole mojo with this shit.

This is where rage demon sexual out of control monster who at 33 should be ready to settle down now wonders if I should fully explode and lose all control or hide deeper within the depths of my own soul not hurt anyone..

I should be ready to settle down, I really think most of the time I am, in my own way. Or at least have a healthy relationship with someone who eventually wants the same thing as me. Soup when sick. Snuggles. Books. Lots and lots and lots of books. Tea and footsie on rainy days. Midnight adventures. Cartoons. Conversations about space and time, and theoretical physics. Paint. Words. Kayaking. Caves. Parachutes. Wind in our faces. Dogs. Someone who will let me pop their bumps without complaint. Occasionally go to church (even if he doesn't agree) Marriage one day. Trust. Stories. Scotch and cigars. Communication. Sleeping in late and calling into work once in a while for sex. Deviant sex. Lots and lots of deviant sex. Someone who irritates me in the good ways. Grabs my ass when I walk by. Throwing things at me while I'm working. Someone who wants my attention as much as I want to give it to them. Someone who when I'm pissed off just grabs me, pushes me against the wall and kisses me and forces me to shut up. Someone who doesn't care I curse like a sailor. And that I'm a brat who ultimately needs someone stronger than me to put me in my place. Like a caveman. Brute. Someone who loves the smell of a bonfire and a good beer. I need someone to listen to vinyl with. Not just anything either. Classics. Sinatra, and BB king. I want someone who loves the blues. Who will sing to me when I'm mad. Who doesn't care that I have a Rick and Morty figurine collection. Who doesn't bitch when I steal all of his t-shirts or hoodies. Who likes to get out of the house but also likes to stay in. I want no phone locks, ignoring calls, I'm the most important thing at that given moment love. I want someone who wants to learn things with me. Like another language, or build stuff with. Like maybe birdhouses. I want funny faces in the car and equal amounts of obnoxious and quiet admiration. I want someone to ride a bike through Spain with. To climb to the top of Nepal and meet monks with. To meditate in Tibet with. To live.

These are the things my soul craves. These are things I'm not sure if everyone desires, or if it's only my wish list. I want to enjoy life with someone, not just survive it.

Dear God, I would really be lying if I said I wish Tom wasn't/or won't randomly fall in love with me. He's hot, and smart, and funny, those things are very attractive.. But at this point in my life, I am aware that's not the case, and very very very unlikely. But seeings how the eye only see's something like 1% of what's around us... if you could do your daughter down here a big favor and pull some invisible strings... that's what's up pops.

But if that never happens, (ehhh) then could you/ or regardless if he does actually, either way, pretty please with a cherry on top not let me hurt Ed in anyway. As his friend, if more happens, I mean frankly in general, I really think despite the fact he doesn't believe in you, that he's still an awesome human. Don't let me fuck it up.......again.. Also... in the same respect, could you please not let him turn into a blind rage jealous monster that will explode in front of my friends and family, or at work now too? That'll be great.

Also if you could just give me some cliff notes on why Ed is in my life again that would clear up a lot of my mental capacity and maybe let me get back to working on my outline. I need the brain space. I need all the brain space I can get.

On a lighter note, I think a few curators really are starting to like me, and my work. At least my submissions are getting some laughs and attention. Even though it's not my book, it's a book I can be a part of that's already been purchased by Harper Design.... I can get dollars.... And the more of my work they put into it.. the more dollars come.

My brain matter hurts. Damn.

Shut up and don't text him

Just don't do it. Why do you want to feel like an asshole? You are really good at that already. If he wanted to talk to you he would.

Labored conversation trying to hurry up and move passed something isn't going to help. It's only going to make it worse. One more day until I can get this awkward out.

In my head, and in knowing him, it could be a hug or a high five when we see each other face to face. I feel like the hug could be dangerous. Over exposing beaten down feelings.

Like  I want to ask him what's he's doing and maybe get it out of the way before work. I know he would be polite. Regardless. But I need firm established boundaries as a habitual line stepper.

I think he thinks I'm nervous about the job. Not at all, I'm sure that will be no problem and I actually am looking forward to doing something different again.

It's him that is terrifying. Seeing his face for the first time after all the hurt we both displayed. After all the laughter. All the adventures. All the shenanigans. I couldn't even bring myself to go disc golfing after too afraid I would run into him.

His looks etched into my skin and I had seen them all. So when he first looks at me, and he will try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and he is, there will be a hidden look of disappointment underneath his false smile.

I have seen that look too many times before. He has a lot of very good ones too. I'm equally afraid with measure to be caught in those. To not be who I was before when he was attracted to me. Maybe more damaged now. Not being nearly as hot. What if I get a look of disgust? What if he finds me completely repulsive and then I have to go back and wonder why the universe has him in my path again...

More philosophical debates with myself. Years of restructuring. I'm such a hot mess of a person.

The faces I make

I've had an hour of sleep. A lifetime to be a weirdo. Time to tweak out on our adderall because we can't function without it and we're on something like I dunno 4 hours of sleep in the last 72?

My pupils are dilated.

I feel like a retard for yesterday. I really do wish sometimes I could remember what it felt like to be normal.

Although in blogging yesterday I did come to a comparison about Ed/Tom. Very much both the qualities of men I enjoy.

Maybe that's why the Tom thing bothered me so much. I know what it's like to be with  an older man who relishes in life and the same things you do while still being starkly different.

The fineness. The contrast. The imagination. It's limitless. It's bold. 

I need m brain to think of other things today. I need my brain to not sit here and make funny faces at myself in my own reflection to detour from my outline. I need my brain to not make up entire conversations between my cats for them. Although, it is an intriguing part of my day. Seriously.

I have a cat that I got as a kitten, she was a single barn cat some painters found and brought into my job at the time looking for supplies for her. I took her sight unseen. Thought she was a boy and named her Neptune. Funny enough after I brought her home and then we thought she was a girl, she was feral, and not nice unless you were going to feed or hold her, so we changed her name to Melissa. But then and I'm not sure why or how we thought she was a boy again and it went back to Neptune. Didn't ever pay enough attention until two years later she was knocked up.

I have another cat named Herman. Herman was part of a whole litter I ended up with from a pregnant Momma, Now Benga's cat KitKAt. She had five babies, I was already hand feeding 5 other's from two different litters. Then her entire litter ended up with ring worm.The vet tried to convince me to put them down. Telling me shelters wouldn't take them and it's could take forever to get rid of. And it did, I had to buy special shampoo and give them bathes twice a day, and bleach everything in our house all the time. Herman was the first born from his mom and the second I looked at him he looked like a nerd named Herman. At the height of his infection even my Nana was trying to talk me into maybe putting him down. Giant bald spots hiding, rubbed in creams and meds all the time.

I couldn't do it. I eventually found an oral medicine, it cleared up and he was the last one left out of his litter. I had grown pretty attached to the fool.

So Neptune is an indoor/outdoor cat. Everyone is fixed. Herman is strictly inside. Neptune comes in the house to eat and he stalks her. Not hissing or being a jerk, but like he maybe genuinely is never going to give up trying to be her friend no matter how much she dislikes him. And she does dislike him. She hisses and wants to be left alone.

We have a 3 tier glass entertainment stand. She's behind the TV, and he just jumps up on the second shelf right below her, watching her get mad... remaining calm the whole time. I think he knows that hes antagonistic. It's hilarious. Half my day is spent yelling Herman!!! leave her alone!! stop being a jerk! She does not want to be your friend! Stop Following Her!

So as I have no life now, I often narrate the interweaving lives of my cats. As I wrote that I realized I am a crazy cat lady.

This is what I've amounted too. Shit. If I don't hoard them does that take away part of the crazy aspect? I think it should. Well maintained cats. Spoiled. Shifty personalities, the dog gets along with them all.


Officially blogging about my pet life.. This is what kills my time. conversations with myself between a human and a screen and fake conversations and parodies of pets.

And we're all just floating around on a dying rock in the middle of space (not actually the middle though, just metaphorically) in an endless sea of self devotion and ego.

That's the human experience

. 

Where's my ambition? Seriously I think I lost it in the war...

No real writing done today. Still sick. Still Insomnia. I did manage 3 hours in last night so that was nice. I need to go back to the hospital. I start new job on Thursday... should probably be able to breathe to do that.

Thanks to old lover. I'm most certain he would like me to pay him the thousands of doll hairs I owe him, and rightfully so... I mean work/hard work has never scared me.

But I know how different I am now. I know that I've basically been a life hermit for years and I've been pulling my face skin down, pulling the bottoms of my eyes half way down my face, all day trying to get comfortable with the thought of seeing him. I'm such a freak of a human being now.

First of all... years to suck it up and just say I'm sorry. Clearly I have pride issues. That was all I thought it was going to entail. But then he throws out a job offer, making decent money and  not serving people ranch. Possibly get a little manual labor in? Its like getting paid to exercise which is the only way I may do it. But I need to none the less. And it does seem like a cool job anyway. I am a jack of all trades. It's been time for the switch up.

I tried to talk to him a bunch today. I feel like a super creep about it now. I mean I always feel like a fucking creep anyway, but extra more so today. My biggest life problem is I don't talk to other adults much anymore so I don't actually know when to shut the fuck up when I do. Anxiety my best friend everyone. Obsessively think about that.

I almost text him grim statistics. I didn't. I don't think the fact I restrained myself from doing so should be a point of pride for me either? He says it will all be fine. I assured him, after prying into his private life....( fuck me right?) .. and not even casually.. just with a hey, so I know its not any of my business, and I really don't have the right to ask... but are you seeing anyone....

Then the awkward super awkward comes out... Just trying to mentally prepare myself for any scenario... Admitting that through text. Hey glad you're totally cool with all of this, but me... I'm panicking. Seriously... on a one to ten freak out scale ten being the most freaked out... like 100.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't my brain function like regular yo?

I tried to ask if he was going in the same time as me, I was going to bring him breakfast or coffee as a thank you, I think I already spent way too much time making it super odd. I didn't tell him why I was asking and he told me he was going to bed ... bleak. 😖

I wish I had the strength to smash my own face in with a brick right now. I don't know why I cant form real people sentences and thoughts? Why have I alluded this mess for so long and now with a heightened sense of awareness and I overly accosting it?

You know Brain, just shut up. Just shut up brain. He just wants his money back. If I keep it at that than my brain won't try to over produce simulations of possible outcomes of this.

I was insecure before when we dated. His ex wife was hot, I thought I was regular back then. I'm now three years hiding in my house, giving up my cardio sex routine and living like a nerd.

My sexual exploits stay in my head now. Or at least kinda, they stay here on the blog too, but they are fake scenarios made up in my head. I'm sooooo not his type anymore. I'm going to be nervous for the next two days about this.

Telling myself not to text him. Not to keep making a bigger ass out of myself. Stop pulling on your eyelid skin Melissa.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he's this nice? Seriously? Oh you apologized t me, throw out my name and get this job setting up areas making nearly $20 an hour..

He's so damn different than anyone.... he's smart, and eccentric, and talented, and funny, and a gentleman, and kind, and he reads... I always liked that he was smart.

My brain needs to not go there. Like stop brain. Please. Stop Brain.

We are so different in so many ways too. He's politically the opposite. Which is extreme for me. Hardcore. He supports trump and his last name alone should be why he doesn't but he does. He's basically a carnivore. Which is odd because he loves nature and animals.

I hate my brain in already attempting to daydream. I wanted to ask how his sister was. I'm sure his family hates me. God it was ugly when we split.

I feel like the incredibly shrinking woman thinking about all of this. So small. Like his kindness should be self serving, and even though that's what my brain wants me to believe, I know that's not who he is. I know he's both tactical and sensitive.

No day dreams. No day dreams. No more messing shit up Melissa. You said you wanted time with you. You basically left Neal and Him, moved to Flint in the middle of a water crisis, busted your ass for months to get out, to move back to Toledo, and then have Benga come along, and give so much of you this shell of a person is all you have left. You got nothing Kid. Nothing!

Melissa, you have philosophical debates with yourself. You sometimes/ most of the time don't even get out of your pajamas. The highlight of your year was going off on two different bosses because you were tired of being a doormat. You jumped out of a plane. You want to see the world. You're writing again. While financially this is a great opportunity,  don't fuck it up by falling in love. You just lost everything because you fell in love. You still have to get shit back before you can lose it again. You haven't recovered those losses. Have yet to recoup.

He doesn't want to work with you because he wants to fall madly in love.

Stop thinking about kissing him now.
Stop it Melissa.
Fuck Brain come on.

You know he doesn't want the same things as you. Yes he has adventure in his heart, he doesn't ever want to be married again. Something he made very clear before. OMG stop you're that far ahead and you haven't looked at him yet. It's crazy. Stop. He's not freaking out. He's not worried. He likely thinks you're fucking mental already.

Dated off and on for two years, and now he knows I'm crazy??.. go fucking figure. The things you can disguise in the midst of desire. I hate that I'm such a freak.

Fuck. 

My plagues

So as adults we often fuck up. For me maybe more so than most, I was doomed born into chaos.

I while writing for the book yesterday rehashed a lot of old relationships. Most I have with what I think of as a healthy mentality now.

One has continued to haunt me some. Not in a way where I think I could ever easily describe in words the emotions I feel. I did have a lot of love for him. Confused already being in another nonexclusive relationship with Fake Cancer.

This guy always treated me like a fucking princess. I had never in my life been treated the way he did. Benga provided, I say that because he worked damn hard, but our life was always confusing too. It wasn't confusing in the same way with Ed.

Ed wanted to go out with me, he showed me off, he made sure I had fun. And more than that he fucking terrified me. I'd like to think we broke up twice never have officially being together. They were still break ups.

The way we left things the last time was ugly. Human ugly. Faulted and gross. I was so angry with him for doing what he did that night. The way he treated me. And the more time went on, the more I hated myself for the way I treated him.

He laid in bed one night and looked at me and told me he could love me, if I wanted him to, he tried to, the older I get I know that. We were both messes. I was so used to not being loved, so used to just reacting and not looking to settle down waiting on fake cancer. I was having the time of my life with Ed. He made me happy. He treated my fucked up family and all my friends with extreme kindness. He had a huge heart. Always a show boater. But I kept looking passed him thinking I was waiting on Neal.

When I say we left things a mess, I mean he embarrassed me for the second time in front of my family and friends drunk and disrespected me so hard that I blocked him for years.

But all these years, I still think about him from time to time. So I muster up the courage last night to apologize, I should say before he did this for the second time, (which were never just small inconveniences but monstrosities of events unfolding) a week before I got myself in trouble and lost about $2,500 of his money after he just lent me hundreds of dollars to fix my car. And me trying to hurry up and pay him back was how I ended up with a gun pointed at my head stupidly.

I tell him I'm sure he hates me, and I don't blame him at all, but for the part of my story he is, I'm grateful because I stopped doing dumb ass shit. And that I hope he's well, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry I was always damaged, even now always wondering if I'm too damaged to love.

I didn't think he would read it. I waited over an hour checking periodically. He did. He wrote back.

He apologized to me for the things he put me through. He was falling very much in love with me and having just gone through his divorce, it fucked him up equally. That he thinks about me from time to time too.

I'm not near as hot as I used to be. I don't even know if we could ever go there again anyways. I'm still a hot mess putting myself together, he told me he basically is too, but maintaining.

The thing that has always fucked my head up about him is this. Both times in my life, right before we started dating, I asked the universe to give me love. I was ready for it. To take me seriously. I wasn't expecting him. And after his first jealous drunk fuck up meeting my family we didn't speak for a year. And I spoke with the heavens and asked again, within a week I randomly run into him at a gas station.

I'm not saying he's my soul mate. I'm not saying we're meant to be together. I'm saying for years, I know that I did this man wrong and he and who he was in my life has helped immensely shape the person I am today. That I know he was good to me, and happiness, more so than love, scares me.

I can deal with shit. I can bitch and moan, and glide through it, but happiness, real happiness always seems so far up on the ladder that if I ever really climb that high, I'm afraid that it will be too far down that I won't be able to get up again.

I'm not afraid of love. Love is flawed and gross, and dangerous, and full of misfortune. But happiness, I don't know what that is. That's my unicorn in life.

I'm not sure if Ed is my unicorn. I'm sure he will always terrify me in that way..

But for now, I'm grateful I was able to say I'm sorry, and that after all this time, I know he's good. He deserved at the very least after everything he did for me to know that. That I admit I fucked up.

To know he did make me feel good.He always made me feel beautiful. Likely why I was frightened by him.

Productivity .... Is hard with ADHD

Even sick I finished two chapters yesterday. That is hella good. I did do a chapter today. I called off work again. I may even need to go back to the hospital. I may not even have a job anymore. I'm nearly certain that's the case.

Can't help I can't breathe. But I can sit down in front of the laptop and do some writing. My article is still being featured. Kind a huge deal considering most of the features are illustrations and art related. The fact my writing made it makes me feel capable.

I started another chapter today. A second one because I did write the chapter "The Clusterfuck of a Nymphomaniac" and then to make sense out of it it made sense to do the Neal chapter next. He was referred to ask Fake cancer so many times during my freedom of oppression vaginal rage that it made sense he was the next chapter. Explaining my damages. Explaining how after everything I was able to give it all up. Put the sex addict in me away and try to attempt to live a normal life. Why I had to after his extreme narcissistic traits.

Things I'm still healing from. Not wanting to be the monster he is to the rest of the world. I have two pages done. Not even the tip of the iceberg. And I'm emotionally drained form it. I don't think I could have the chapter missing. It is about me, my life, and for three terribly long drawn out years and escapades of me bending over backwards it happened.

As much as he would be the person I would eternal sunshine out of my mind, It's not possible and pieces of my story make zero sense without this chapter. So while I spent the day painstakingly going through a ton of other bitter romances, and at some times... arousing myself rehashing my sexual escapades, I got 13 pages of chapter 3 done.

I talked to my friend Sarah who is published through Random House, and got some advice from her. I also think since my article is a feature for a book picked up by Harper Design, I can stick to my timeline. My outline, and I can do this. I am capable. I am able. I am fucked up and I believe being honest about it other people will feel slightly better about being fucked up too.

It's the ugly truth. The real crappy things I've done and lied about. The drugs, the sex, the depths. The abuse, the wasting of myself. My hopes my dreams.

He even now, looking back at all the things I've done in my life and the sorted oddness they have came with, he is the most exhausting. I really do believe he is evil. To this day. Evil.

I think I may have to go back and finish his chapter at the end. To not suck me dry from the rest of the book.

It was ugly. More than broken just harsh. A story needed to be told for anyone else living though the same situation. So they know those chains are breakable.

Nothing to masturbate with that material.

I'm a little drunk

I's still sick. I called off work today. Hell I only work two days a week and still was sick enough to call of work and as my Nana kindly reminded me I should likely not teach Sunday school in the morning either. Not making kids sick is kinda in my job description. So I walked my ass to the bar. I haven't left my house in four days besides to go to the hospital and pick up prescriptions. So at almost midnight I ventured out.

Fuck it. I needed some air. I need some human contact. I think I may get fired tomorrow, but really my bosses hate me anyway and I only work two days a week. They didn't say anything back today when I sent them my paperwork from the hospital. I'm sure deciding to fire me. I make like less than minimum wage every week.

I like my bosses. I'm sure one of them hates me. I'm not overly concerned about it. I've lived a whole life of people hating me. Fuck.. fake ass Rebecca is there saying all types of shit. I don't care. I'm just me. Take me or leave me. Rebecca having manager numbers is is as funny as it comes. The bitch went to sell her mom's drugs one time and ripped off her mother and kept the cash. And half the drugs. Shes keeping her own husband around just to be able to get out of the welfare ass apartments she's in that she sells drugs to the woman who runs them. Rebecca is always going to be Rebecca.
On a lighter note....

I did kinda meet this hot chic. Lets hope that works out. Her name is River. I like that. Lets hope she runs like one.

Wet Wet. That's the barbarian in me. Like a caveman. or woman. I did try to apologize to Joe. Who also may be the broken link who watched my blog...

And If it is.... Dude I don't even get it.. I'm like so chill. Ridiculously chill. I'm sure people want dollars from your family and shit... that sucks... But with the story I have tmz or some other shit would of paid money. I hate money. It's the root of all evil. And... frankly if I have it i'd rather it be on my my own accord.

So I'm sorry for including you in the drama. I did write you to say that. I'm so awkward it's weird. I promise.... Its in my DNA. I don't really know .... just a weirdo of a woman. Awkward.

You're poor family must think I'm nuts.

I want zero from you. maybe a laugh.. I'm always up for a good conversation... ehhh... I'm just a weird chic. I don't know how else to explain myself. That's all I got.

I really slightly drunk and got the sweetest compliment from a man ever... seriously. Mario... I dated him nearly 10 years ago.  Things didn't work out as he was seeing someone else but we ended on a great note. I held nothing against him. He was tons of fun. Like a lot. Midnight water balloon fights and music for days and weeks, and paint eccentric things together. He just got me. But he was seeing more than me and was given an ultimatum and I never held it against him. He chose her....


And that's okay...  It always had been but it had always been odd between us us too. We have planed trips together.... and I backed out... I didn't really back out my other decided not to watch my kids last minute because I definitely wanted to go. Spelunking with him. He's got adventure in his soul like me. I can appreciate that. He just said the sweetest words to me.

"Yeah you are a quite a loverly visage to behold and yet difficult to discern like a Dali piece"

I'll keep that forever. Reminds me of a meme that said, she never looked beautiful, she looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to be beautiful it was supposed to make you think.

This guy had just always had the kindest soul ever. And in the best way. We drove up to grand rapids one fourth of July together to go to a city wide water balloon fight. He used to drive and I remember midnight water balloon fights.

Even when he decided to stop seeing me, and it was his choice there was never any bad blood between us.

This guy had always been able to make me smile. His character is unrivaled. And he just asked when he could see my new work... He was used to me painting..I asked what work.. He asked writing and such...

He has been keeping up...

Maybe I'm just lying to myself... Maybe it is time for me to get back to the dating world...


And there was nothing wrong between us except he had his options open. And Hes hilarious, and adventurous, and open minded, and loved God, and a gentleman, and fun. Lord knows most men are not fun anymore.

Men.... and dating... and life.. God knows it's complicated. And women... and dating... God knows that's complicated.

While at the bar today a woman staring talking about cows and I gave her a vegan speech.